SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I cannot speak for the other former waywards of this site and I am sure there is plenty information in The Healing Library on this.

The biggest question from a BS is WHY?

Why did you betray me?

Why didn't you just talk to me?

Did you think how badly you would be hurting our family

The answer to the WHY lies strictly with the WS.

The BS in no form or fashion responsible for an affair. The marriage may have had issues, but none justify an affair.

The WS may tell you they were unhappy for a long time.

That they love you, but not in love with you.

That we grew apart.

You were never there emotionally for me

You were never home, even when you were.

Those are reasons for marriage and individual counseling, but no reason for an affair.

My becoming a WS was due to major conflict avoidance and being passive aggressive. Instead of facing an issue head on, I would do other subtle things.

Get silent or leave the house and do something selfish like hanging out by myself.

Instead of telling my wife I had an issue, I would just blow it off and see if she would notice and fix it.

9 times out of 10 she never knew I had an issue. She couldn't know, I didn't say anything.

Like I felt she didn't want to be around me.

This was not true, if you do not make yourself someone people want to be around, then they really don't want to be around you.

You can give off a negative vibe and people can feel that sometimes.

My wife just thought I was having a bad day. She had no clue I was feeling that way about her.

Eventually this will lead to resentment and entitlement and you feel that you are entitled to attention. You feel unappreciated. These are all coming from YOU, not your BS.

You open that door in your heart to a person that either knows your situation or you reveal it to them.

Most of the time with your perspective.

Most of the time with your own spin.

Things that you have created in your own mind that are not true.

Poor boundaries,selfishness and even disorders play a part, but still are not excuses.

To a full blown wayward, they have to demonize the BS. Make everyone think that they have a right to go outside of the marriage.

A wayward may even know that they are wrong, but have to convince themselves that they are entitled to do and behave the way they are.

Also having developed "feelings" for the OP clouds the mind of the wayward to make them further believe they are justified.

Not being in the right frame of mind to know if you invest feelings into someone other than your spouse, then you will most likely fall for them.

The wayward mind is full of fantasies and made up scenarios, also along with "feelings" for the OP, that it becomes hard to really see the damage they are causing and what their "real life" is.

However once the third person is removed and the wayward can really see how much their spouse cares for them, "real life" starts to become more visible.

The wayward mindset is unconventional, irrational and irresponsible.

It takes unconventional methods, rational thinking and true love and endurance for a BS to get them back on track.

Most of the time a wayward will snap back once they realize they are about to lose their spouse.

Because most of the time, a wayward really does not want to leave their spouse nor do they want their BS to leave them. They think they do, but they really don't most of the time.

Only after they can see what they are really about to lose, especially if the BS was a really good spouse, will they start to leave the wayward mindset and take a look at real life around them.

That and NC (which is first and foremost) will be key tools in fighting the wayward mindset.

Just my thoughts. I'm sure others have more valuable information.

awesome and on point!

Very, very well put!

Great post, floridaredman.

I can relate to a lot of it too.

Much of this makes sense. But I have to say, Floridaredman, you are obviously married to someone who loves you. And someone you - for all your conflict avoidance and passive aggresseive behavior - loved as well.

If you are married to somebody who does not love you, someone who has not your best interest but your destruction at heart, this changes the situation profoundly.

Not saying this provides reason or justification for an affair. But it does change the dynamics utterly and completely.

I know that by the very nature of this board, most waywards here are of the first kind - they have loving spouses in viable marriages that they betrayed for purely selfish reasons. But a small minority is of my ilk. They had unloving, abusive spouses and deeply dysfunctional marriages that they could not get out of. They engage in affairs for purely selfish reasons too - but one of those reasons may be self preservation.

I know it was for me. After all these years on SI I have finally come to my peace - it was selfish of me to have an affair, but if I hadn't, I would possibly be dead now. I would for certain not have been able to leave my xH -another selfish act- and my xH would still be carrying on, abusing not just me but my daughters.

I have been here over five years now. Those who remember me will attest to the fact that I did not shy away from difficult questions or self examination. I am not a foggy WS looking to justify.

Hell, I linger here long after xH moved on (he never wanted to join SI), long after anyone in my life even remembers. I remember. I am not done, and continue to seek clarity and understanding, and perhaps offer a little along the way.

And one of the bits of clarity I found is this: sometimes you can get caught in an abusive and destructive relationship with a person who sucks the life out of you. That doesn't mean you are a bad person (really, it doesn't). It doesn't mean you deserved this, and need to just take it. What it means is that you need to get out (and sometimes: that you need to get your kids out before he abuses/kills them).

If it takes an affair to do it, that is awful. But if it gets you out - it gets you out.

I am sorry, and I am sorry every single day and am still lingering on how awful my behavior was after all the other players have long moved on. But I am grateful, too. It got me out.

Hi. BS here, treading lightly and politely.

That was a great post! Thanks so much for that. I will never really understand "why", and i have been divorced for three years.

You sound like you have actually given a lot of thought to what happened and how to repair your marriage.

Great job. It is very nice to read someone who "owns it." and "gets it."

Thanks for sharing.

Thanks to all of you for your kind input.

lostall

Much of this makes sense. But I have to say, Floridaredman, you are obviously married to someone who loves you. And someone you - for all your conflict avoidance and passive aggresseive behavior - loved as well.

You are right. My wife really, really loves me and I her.

Yes I can definitely see your dynamic. Thank you for posting your experience.

thanks everyone.

Most of the time a wayward will snap back once they realize they are about to lose their spouse.

Because most of the time, a wayward really does not want to leave their spouse nor do they want their BS to leave them. They think they do, but they really don't most of the time.

Only after they can see what they are really about to lose, especially if the BS was a really good spouse, will they start to leave the wayward mindset and take a look at real life around them.

this is pretty much what my WS said to me, he told her from the beginning that he did not want a divorce and he didn't even when he told me about the A. He worked with her and thought he could get away with it, then she became pregnant and he had to tell me and ended it with her. I struggle daily with this because I keep thinking how truly selfish he was, wanting his cake and eating it too

lostall,

You had an exit A. I'm sure if you had realized at the time that was what you were doing, you might have found a different way to end the marriage that would not have hurt you.

I am glad you got yourself and your children out of an abusive marriage. NO ONE deserves or should tolerate abuse.

Thank you all for sharing your views. My H has said many of the same things to me.

[This message edited by fairyfriend at 6:24 PM, May 19th (Wednesday)]

hey floridaredman. How is your wife feeling? I think about her and pray for her.

that said...

I think my WS had feelings for OW...but he won't own that. It was almsot a yr long affair. He was very proactive to be with her. Not so much with us.

He's never had another A or been tempted to...according to him.

Do you think that's possible? Or he's still in denial? I just don't know how you could risk everything for nothing and not have some feelings for that OW.

Peace brother. If you have an opinion, I'd be interested. Thanks. I edited this bc I realized it sounded more like a statement than a question. :)

[This message edited by strongandwomanly at 6:31 PM, May 19th (Wednesday)]

I loved my husband. I was a good wife and mother. But, in his eyes there was always something wrong. Nothing made him happy. An A on a report card was not an A+. The house was never clean enough. The kids were too noisy. Life for him sucked. Porn became the perfect partner, then hookers. Only when I left did he realize what he had lost. But, he did not love me enough to give up the addiction.

Thank you so much for your post Lostall. I see so much of my situation in your words. I get so much from the wonderful WS's here, but feel so alone in my situation. Thank you so much for your courage.

Hey strongandwomanly, V is doing great..she has lost 16 pounds. She had a panic attack about 3 weeks ago,that was the last time so far. Thanks for your prayers

I think my WS had feelings for OW...but he won't own that. It was almsot a yr long affair. He was very proactive to be with her. Not so much with us.He's never had another A or been tempted to...according to him.

Do you think that's possible? Or he's still in denial? I just don't know how you could risk everything for nothing and not have some feelings for that OW.

Yes. It is very possible for a man to have an affair with no feelings of love. Just lust. your husband was cake-eating to the 100th power. Men do not need an emotional connection or "feeling of love". Your husband was driven by lust and this OW somehow fit his lust criteria. He simply used her for sex.

Only when I left did he realize what he had lost. But, he did not love me enough to give up the addiction.

flowermom, it was not you that your husband did not love. he did not love himself and you were just caught in his storm. His hate for himself spilled over to you and his children.

Glad to hear about your wife. Tell her I'm pulling for her and proud of her weight loss.

Thank you for your words. He swears this is true. It's so hard for me to understand. I'm trying with all my might to do so. This is so exhausting. I'm just so tired.

If your ears were burning YESTERDAY...my WS and I were talking about people that we get alot from on SI...you were one of them. So, needless to say, I was thrilled to see your post.

Take care. Now go kiss that skinny woman!

If your ears were burning YESTERDAY...my WS and I were talking about people that we get alot from on SI...you were one of them. So, needless to say, I was thrilled to see your post.

Take care. Now go kiss that skinny woman!

My ears were not burning but my skin was. It was hot here in Florida.

Thanks for the accolades. I am just trying to give what I learned so others can see how there is hope.

The kiss has been delivered to V

floridaredmanThe answer to the ‘WHY” lies strictly with the WS... The BS in no form or fashion responsible for an affair.... These (feelings) are all coming from YOU, not your BS.... Things that you have created in your own mind that are not true.... Not being in the right frame of mind to know if you invest feelings into someone other than your spouse, then you will most likely fall for them.... The wayward mind is full of fantasies and made up scenarios, also along with "feelings" for the OP, that it becomes hard to really see the damage they are causing and what their "real life" is.... The wayward mindset is unconventional, irrational and irresponsible.

So true and yet so sad that our wisdom has to come on the heels of remorse and betrayal.

HUFI

BS here...

Dittos... a great post! I will never really understand "why" and my H to this day just passes his behavior off as "just the way it was"...

You sound like you have actually put a lot of thought to why it happened... a WS has to process everything that happened the same as a BS has to process everything... you have and now you are working at doing whatever it takes to repair your marriage.

It is heart warming to read someone who "owns it." and "gets it."

Thanks for sharing.

[This message edited by Bobbie at 8:18 AM, May 20th (Thursday)]

Great Post!

Another BS here and a Floridian at that! Thanks for the post, it makes so much sense.