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I am a control freak, I am the do-er, the planner. I get things done, I make things happen. I am action oriented. I am the fixer, the problem solver, the efficiency expert

This makes is SO VERY HARD, because I am not one to sit around and wait for things to happen to me. I want to make R happen....I want to control that....and it just doesn't work that way. The ball is not in my court.

I have no control...

I realize it's my action oriented nature, that I have to do something, that motivates me to do sweet things for my BH.(bringing him cheesecase, buying him some new shirts, cleaning up at the house a little when I am there) These are not attempts to manipulate my BH into considering R with me, but rather attempts to exercise some control over the situation. To "do what I can" to show my BH I care, I love him, I want to help him out, I want to make his life easier. I can only control myself, right? So I feel like I've done something, I controlled something....

Well, no. It's fallacy control. At the end of the day, I still cannot make R happen. I have no control over that.

My BH wants us not to talk for a while, I have no control over that.

My BH can file for D with or without me, I have no control over that.

My BH could be feeling lonely, having mind movies, obsessing, etc, I have no control over that.

It's control...the lack of it, that is driving me crazy.

Must learn to let go....

[This message edited by Wishful Thinking at 11:15 PM, June 7th (Monday)]

Wishful Thinking,

I am the exact same way in a similar situation.

No control, and I'm learning the value of patience, and I don't know towards what (whether I will get the opportunity to R or not).

You can still do things as if you were in R - which you are already doing.

If your BH chose R, how different do you think your actions would be? What is it that you expect to do in R that you are not doing now?

This post was a vent about not having any control over my BH decision to work toward R or not,

But after sleeping on it, I realized that the sweet things are I do, are just that. Sweet things that I like to do for him, that make me feel good. They are nice, and BH appreciates them, but they do not equate however, to working on the M.

It's a nice path, but it's not a path to R.

What I would expect to do in R, that I am not doing now, is work on the M. Go to MC, uncover each other needs, make plans to meet them, schedule dates with each other, read books together, relationship building exercises, spend time together.

Basically, in R, I would be working on my M with my BH.

But my BH is not on board for R at this time. Takes two to R...I'm there, he's not. I hope he gets there, someday.

Very sad, and very hard...

(((WT)))

you are doing the best you can with what you have.

A tough situation indeed. I'm understanding my situation to be we are being selfish because R is what we WS need and want, and it's losing focus on what the BS needs and wants.

I'm 4 months from D-Day/Breakup. Time and space. It's such a tough concept for me. I, too, am thinking it may be time to let go - it could possibly help towards R, though I definitely don't see it right now. I want to keep trying but the request to respect BS's space is something I HAVE to give right now.

Best of luck...

From my perspective as a BS, one of the most loving actions you can take is to get into IC (if you aren't already) to figure out how you could have given yourself permission to cheat. Doing so shows your H that you are taking responsibility for your actions. You would control what you can control--yourself.

My H is a control freak, too. I believe his being one contributed to his A because he tried so hard to control his environment, but couldn't and turned to an A to escape his problems. He has been working hard to let go of trying to control others.

Good luck with your R.

ff

My H is a control freak, too. I believe his being one contributed to his A because he tried so hard to control his environment, but couldn't and turned to an A to escape his problems. He has been working hard to let go of trying to control others.

This struck a cord in me. I thought I was completely in control, thought I could "get away with it" even. Didn't consider consequences because I've always been in control and got what I wanted. I was definitely in the fog, and in my false sense of control, didn't realize that I didn't have any at all. I got so lost in it and my world fell apart once cheating started.

H & I both saw other people during our separation but he originally left because I caught him calling the bartender where he played pool (nothing came of it but it was the last straw for him - me checking up on him for no reason other than trust that I was too afraid to give.)

But in a nutshell, while we were separated, I realized that I was a MAJOR control freak. Didn't treat my H as an adult, didn't take his opinions about anything - even our kids lives - seriously. This made him feel unloved, unmanly and miserable for quite a few years before he reached the breaking point and left.

When I realized that I was a control freak, I vowed to change and even so, he had a hard time believing it and didn't come home and started seeing another woman. So, I filed for divorce because he would not believe I had changed my control freak ways. But I had.

So I started seeing another guy and he was the one in control in our relationship and you know what? I found out that I actually LIKED someone else driving the bus! It felt really good to let someone else make the decisions.

So, when H realized I really had changed, and that life w/o me and his family wasn't worth living, he asked to try again and we did. I give him MUCH more say-so in everything now. And in some ways, I can tell he really appreciates it. But sometimes, I will get the feeling he is wanting me to make the decisions and solve the problems. But now, when someone even asks us if we want to do something, I look at H and say, "It's up to him."

We have finally found a balance and it feels really good.

I don't know how to explain how a lifelong control freak gave up this intimidating trait, but I did it and it was not easy and still isn't easy all the time but like I said, sometimes letting someone else drive the bus can be a relief and even a turn on sometimes!

I thought I was completely in control, thought I could "get away with it" even. Didn't consider consequences because I've always been in control and got what I wanted. I was definitely in the fog, and in my false sense of control, didn't realize that I didn't have any at all. I got so lost in it and my world fell apart once cheating started.

This is my FWH, yep.

And another thing he learned was that he was not in control of the OW's mouth and what she was going to tell his wife.

FF, I am in IC, and am figuring the why and what led me to cheat. I'm owning what I did, and learning from it.

However, it never occured to me that my control freakness had anything to do with the why or how, so this thread has been insightful.

I will explore this with my IC. Certainly I controlled a lot during the A's, as I compartmentalized, and that takes a level of control. And certainly I made the A's happen, as I did things, said things, to up the ante, and keep the interest, and yes, I usually DO get what I want, because I take control and go get it. That's how I got to be with BH in the first place. I saw him, I liked him, I asked him out.

Hmmm...something to explore, as a possible peice of the selfish, destructive, hurtful puzzle....

I believe I am "codependent". Wanting or trying to control everything is, from what I've read, a typical symptom.

You may want to explore if the behaviors fit you as well.

FWIW, my H was diagnosed as having Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD, which in Europe is called the less-confusing Anakanastic Disorder). It is NOT the same as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, which I have. The two share the trait of anxiety in the patients.

My H tried/tries to control his environment in an effort to control his anxiety. Of course, doing so or attempting to do so does NOT lessen his anxiety; in fact, it often increases it because he truly can not control the enviroment around him, only himself.

Learning about the disorders we both have has helped allay our anxieties because we now understand the cause of them and have learned healthy coping techniques. We still have anxiety, but have learned to recognize it for what it is. When we don't feed the anxiety, it lessens or disappears.

Good luck WT. I hope you and your H are doing well.

ff

Edited for spelling and content.

[This message edited by fairyfriend at 11:51 AM, June 10th (Thursday)]

It's hard, isnt it?

Same here, I'm exactly the same way.

My advice to you is this: If you can see it you can be it.

So visualize yourself being calm about this. What does it look like? How would you act? What would you say? How would you feel if you were able to be calm?

Try it.

(((Wishful Thinking)))

I can only offer you a few words I have learned in the last couple of weeks...I have known them for so very long...but only recently put them into action...

so here they are

God

Grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change.

The COURAGE to change the thngs I can

and the WISDOM to know the difference

we all know it...but can we live it

D

What I would expect to do in R, that I am not doing now, is work on the M.

WT:

I try to focus my control freak on myself instead of everything and everyone around me. Sort of a control center. (I'm sure there is an analogy somewhere but I'm tired.)

You can do what you would expect to do in R.

Go to MC = Go to IC.

uncover each other needs = Learn how to communicate effectively. (Learning to listen effectively and talk therapeutically helps a lot.)

make plans to meet them = (By them you mean your BS?) Offer dates and times that you are free. Give a full itenerary of where you will be and when, so that you are always available.

schedule dates with each other = All you can do is ask your BS out and let them know that you would like to take them to ___ to experience ___with them.

read books together = Reading books is something that you can do without your partner.(If they don't want to read and don't want to hear what you have learned, extend the offer to talk about it if they ever want to talk.)

relationship building exercises = You can still do a lot of these on your own. Fill out your part. It's a little harder to do without their input but possible. (You can always offer to share your part so that your BS can see what you are thinking.)

spend time together = Offer. Ask if there is something that they would like to do. Then, if your offer is turned down, don't take the rejection as a failure or personally.

I found myself totally out of sync with my BH for three years.

It's crazy frustrating to not be on the same page. I had to learn patience. Hind-sight is 20/20. I let my BH's rejection and anger stop my efforts to communicate about anything other than mundane everyday stuff. I don't know if we would have reconnected sooner if I had kept trying all of the above. I may have irritated him to the point that he left to get away from my efforts at communication. (I still mess up and have to explain when I am unclear expressing something.)

Because of who we are (BH and I) and because we were in different places at different times, we each did so much alone instead of together. Now, we do more things together as a couple and I am different, so he is learning how I am different as we go.