SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone.

Here is a “just broken” heart from India. As I may be taking a bit of your time reading this, I will try to be brief and to the point. Also /i hope its allowed to use the same text as I have posted on another forum. honestly I can use all the help I can get as I have no where else to go right now.

Basically after installing a spy software last week on my wife’s computer ( coz she would get very uneasy even if I came anywhere close to her blackberry) I read some messages that my wife had sent to a “friend” of mine with pretty strong suggestions that she is having an affair with him. I copy paste one message from about 2 weeks ago. All the subsequent messages end with “love you” or “Love”.

I will let you read the English part of the email ( some of it is in Hindi) so that you can let me know if I am reading more into this. Here we go....

<<<<<

Champu ( a “love name”...not her real name)

>>>

Ok! So lets get this going again. Here is a quick background...

1. We met in year 1997 ( a long time ago). We dated for 5 years and then been married for 7 years.

2. My wife left for Delhi to study in 1999 and then did a job from 2002. She and I had a long distance marriage ( not uncommon) and I supported her wish for a career push even though I was doing increasingly well ( making about 5 times money than her).

3. She came back to my town in 2006 and for some period resented that she had to leave the buzzing life in Delhi and her flashy career. I reason her into thinking that career was a path to financial prosperity and not an end unto itself.

4. She joined my business in 2007 and since then she has been a great help ( I will be fair in this post, even though its 2 AM right now and I can not sleep) in increasing it. For most parts I would say she has been mature, sensible, supportive person in my life.

5. Now things start to get a little randon so please bear with me. We have been each other’s best friends and have seen each other through some rough times on family and professional ends. May be I have been a fool all this long, but until this morning, I have felt so.

6. Our sex life has not been great ( to say the least) . I think that in years of living far away from each other, I was always faithful to her but that led to a bit of porn addiction that did not help our life in bed. I have read that women need more emotional bonding than just sex ( even though its necessary) and I did my best to make sure that I did good in areas where I had more control and hence I forced myself into being a stable pillar of her life, understanding, liberal etc.

7. I would also partly blame her for poor sex life as she would be disinterested ( at time when I was interested) and I tried to be novel and try different things and she would not do anything to get herself into more action. I bought her a vibrator a few years ago but even that seemed to fizzle out for her. She always thought that sex could only be with a man and I was not doing too well in that department.

8. I am personally an average looking person but I maintain a good physique and carry myself very well. Starting working at the age of 21 years with my own business, I have grown it into an international company with over 100 employees. It has been helped by my wife’s support for sure and she is more intelligent in some ways than I am.

9. Besides the flaws of my appearance and sexual activity, I am smart, funny and very likeable guy. I am also very open-minded to other’s suggestions and I am always looking for ways to better myself as I would like to live a happy life and make people around me happier.

10. The person she is having an affair with is a better looking slightly younger guy ( 30 years) . By the way I am only 33 and so is my wife. He has been a close friend of ours for the last 1 year and the email record of my wife shows that this could be going on since the last 9 months or so (...It did not seem to take them much time to “hit it off”)

11. I also run a small NGO in my town which runs programs tohelp poor people, orphaned children etc. This has made I am my wife discuss not having children of our own and to adopt children as we would not like to add more children to this already overpopulated country.

12. So we have no children. But last year( 2009) , around October my wife got pregnant and she wanted to have the child aborted ( although she was not sure). I supported her as she and I agreed that we wanted to have adopted children and that as soon as her abortion thing would be over, we would go over adoption agencies and take in our first child. Between the time she was getting voer the abortion and we could start the process I went to the US for business and throughout the trip I would dream about having our first child with us.

13. When I came back, she was not so sure anymore !!! I was devastated and had some arguments with her about making me lose a child and then just casually changing her mind. And she would not talk about it, until in February this year when she clamed that she needed more time to clear her head and think about whether she wanted adopted children or natural born. I still gave her space to make up her mind and we agreed that we would have the family going, one way or another, by my birthday in November .

14. When I look back at the sequence of event I am wondering if at first she was not sure whose child was she having and hence wanted to have an abortion. Then she wanted to continue her affair with her lover. And about 2 weeks ago when we were having sex, she jokingly said “Dont do it unprotected until November and let “us” enjoy some sex until then”. I didn’t think much of it then but now I am thinking what she meant about “us”.

15. Everytime we would socialise with this other man and his wife, I would sometimes suspect that the man and my wife would be too close physically and were perhaps touching each other ( under the table) or at some other pretext. I makes my heart cry as to why my friend 9 my wife I mean ) would play such a game .... why have fun with “risk of getting caught” kind of thrill at the expense of someone who has been with her through bad and good time for over a decade..... may be because I have never had an affair that I don’t understand this.

Anyways Guys, it has become pretty long and I would try to be “business like” about this ( I am not denying myself the “feeling shocked and hurt” which a natural thing and even cried to let some frustration go away and clear my head) :

a. What should I do....move towards confronting her with it with the aim of salvaging the marriage. Or should I move towards preparing for a divorce.

b. Is “once a cheater, always a cheater” true ? ... I think my wife has had too much comfort in her life and too soon and maybe a lack of challanges ( stable income, supporting husband and family) has “bored her into” an affair.

c. Right now I am inclined to think of what will I miss from the great times we had together and potentially we could have together.

d. Can I trust her again...or do I need to. Can I not become a cheating bastard myself. But I would not have much luck at becoming that because while travelling around the world I can get many opportunities but have never swayed. I have loved my wife.

Ok ! Enough of my story guys ( I am grateful for you to read all this) ....please share with me what you think would be prudent, mature and right thing to do.

Thank you for sharing my pain. I would tell more if you need to know to advice. Please be so kind to ask.

aVerySadIndian

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am sorry these awful events have brought you here.

If you feel that you have enough evidence that the affair cannot be denied, I think you should confront her about it. You could also wait and see what else the spy software reveals. The fact that she doesn't want you to get near her Blackberry is pretty telling.

If she wants to save your marriage she has to stop all contact with him and work on reconciling with you.

The issues in your marriage did not cause her to have an affair. All married couples have problems, but most work them out without cheating. That was a choice she made.

Click on the link for "The Healing Library" in the yellow box on the upper left. There you will find a lot of helpful information and advice.

Take care of yourself and don't blame yourself for what happened. It was her choice, and now she has to face up to it.

Good luck.

My "wife" threw herself at a better looking man. I'm not ugly, I'm an 8 or at least a 7........but she is a model, and he too. They are 9's or 10's........

She treated him like a lover, and me like a friend.

So I left.

I later found someone who loves me.

Hi SadIndian,

First off, long posts dont deter to many around here, if anything a good long post like yours helps us by providing information that we can use to identify with your situation, to draw paralells with outh situations we have experienced directly or read about here.

Next thing to note is that it is completely normal that you feel a little like a leaf blown in the wind at the moment, one minute you will feel hopefull, the next a deep despair, then angry, then empty, there is seemingly no pattern to this, it is something nearly all of us have gone through, and although i know it helps littel to hear it, you will survive, in time your thoughts will crystalize. At the start just making it through the next hour or day is enough. Be easy on yourself, make sure that you are eating a drinking enough, often we have trouble sleeping, if you do, see a doctor for some assistance.

The next big decision you probably face is when to confrot your W with your suspicions.

I would recomend that if you can, that you hold off on this for as long as you need to gather evidence. This is because as soon as she knows that you know, she WILL delete all incriminating evidence. Thus if you are interested in gathering more evidence it would pay to let the keylogger do its job and track her computer usage for a while, find out if she has any secret email accounts you didnt know about, and alternate social website logins, and get a pattern of website usage.

You can also use this time to gather other records, it may be possible for you to gain access to her mobile telephone without her knowledge and copy her messages and contacts list.

There are even more options available as well, GPS tracking of her car, Voice activate recorders in potential meeting spots, and so on.

The point to all of this is to secure information while she is continuing her current behaviour. The information will be invaluable when it comes to assessing if she really is involved in a full blown physical Affair (PA) or if it is still only an Emotional Affair (EA).

It will also help you once you hace confronted her. The more you know the better your chances are at being able to recognise when she is telling you the truth and when she is lying, or gaslighting you.

Because it is a sad reality of infidelity that when you do confront her she will almost certainly lie to you about it, she will gaslight you to make you think you are wrong.

The hard part of this though is living with knowing, or at least believing that your wife is engaged in an Affair. and still carrying on as if nothing is happening while you gather evidence. I only managed a week, but in that week i gathered enough information to give me a good base to work from.

When you no longer can take it anymore you should confront her, it is important to remain calm during this, expect her to lie, expect her to blame you, expet her to become angry, to attack you for even suggesting she could do such a thing. It may be necessary to provide some information to her to show that you really do know whats going on, but do not reveal how you found out about it. She will allmost certainly ask so she can discredit the source, but dont reveal it. especially not the keylogger, it is one of your most valuable resources.

That should be enough to keep you going for now. If you have questions feel free to PM me, or aask here and benifit from our combined experience.

as to my opinion: There are many Red Flags in your story, It certainly sounds like your W is having at the very least an EA with this man. Unfortunately its a sad fact that for a lot of BS's the story that they originally post here is often just the tip of the iceberg. Your situation sounds like there could be plenty more that you have yet to uncover.

Finally, please remember that infidelity very rarely has anything to do with the Betrayed Spouse (BS), rather there is an unfullfilled need in the Wayward Spouse (WS) that combined with poor personal boundaries allows them to seek that outside of the Marriage. The choice of the Affair Partner (AP) is often just random, if it wasnt this guy, it would have been the next one that was able to fulfuill that need. (a common theme is a need for external validation to make them feel good about themselves)

One last warning that applies to my advice as much as anyones elses. Remember we all offer advice coloured by our own experiences, the advantage of a site like SI is that you will get a wide variety of opinions and advice, take it all in, then apply what resonates with you and ignore the rest, trust me few of us will balme you for ignoring something we say.

p.s. feel free to join the men in the Betrayed mens thread in the I can relate section, there are lots of men in there that know how you feel.

avsi,

So sorry you are here. From what you have posted already, I would be very surprised if your wife is not having a physical affair (PA). It sounds very likely.

You asked

What should I do....move towards confronting her with it with the aim of salvaging the marriage. Or should I move towards preparing for a divorce.

You can do both of these things at the same time. Continue to gather evidence, and speak to an attorney about what divorce would entail for you, financially and in terms of a timeline. Often, the real threat of divorce will snap a wandering spouse (WS) out of the "fog" and make them realize what they stand to lose.

You don't have to make a decision about moving ahead with divorce right now. You don't have to confront your wife right now either, though it sounds like you don't need a whole lot more information to be convinced, or to have grounds for divorce (not sure what the laws are like in India).

You will get lots of good advice here. Do read through the Healing Library for tactical advice on moving forward, and focus on taking care of yourself. As others have pointed out, it's very common for cheating spouses to blame the betrayed spouse (BS) for problems in the marriage, but the fact is you did not cause this to happen.

You guys are great ! And with teary eyes I can tell you that a person in India really, really appreciates that you chose to help someone with no return in mind. May you go on with your lives with true happiness and contentment ...that eludes even the most successful and intelligent of all people.

Today is more emotional for me then yesterday. But I will cling on to your support for a bit longer. But I will be clear in what I write.

Some more background : in February 2010 my wife was very withdrawn and in office (she works with me) I would see her not do much work and sometimes found her smiling over nothing while being lost in her thoughts. I asked her at that time ( very categorically) ..“Are you having an affair”...and she said no. At that time I was not so sure about this and thought that my direct question would serve as a deterrent if there was any chance that she was.

Then last week when I saw her being very insecure about her blackberry ( she will even take it into the bath with her) , I acted as if I am having a bout of depression ( I have some of those for a couple of days, far and few between) and told her ( acting mildly paranoid) that I had a feeling that someone was hiding something important from me. Then slowly I asked her if she was hiding something from me ( sort of crossing people from my mental list) and she assured me that she ( or no one else) was hiding anything. I did not believe her and installed the software to her computer. I had also thought that this would dissuade any “ideas” she may be having.

But when I now notice the dates on the emails to the other man, this last attempt of hidden questioning also did not have any impact.

I breakdown my thoughts into 2 parts: in what direction I should think and what should be my steps.

About practical steps :

1. Hire a private investigator to get proof of her actions when I would be gone to Europe for a couple of weeks in 2 weeks time.

2. If there is proof then I confront her with the affair and demand a NC. That way even if does stay in contact with the person I can track with the software. That way I would know if its a hopeless case or not.

The emotional side :

a. Is sexual fidelity necessary for good marriage (I know it sounds very stupid question, but I am perhaps trying to hold onto anything) . Or can marriage work based on an arrangement of basic care for each other.

b. I see that my wife spends a lot of time looking at facebook profiles of other ( nearly all men). Does this mean that she is indeed seeking other men besides her present lover. Does this indicate that this may be a chronic problem or is this just a phase of life in which she just bored out of her wits.

c. If she is a supportive friend and has shown ( many times) that she has my best interest at her heart, would it be wise to end this marriage and leave her and myself alone.

d. I am not being sentimental... but what about her being with me for 12 year ( minus one year , lets say)...does she not deserve a second chance. But on second chances I wonder if second chances lead to second rate lives for both of us. I am still young and why do I want to put myself into this for the next 30 ( or 40) years.

This is some general stuff I managed to write today...Its been hard...

I think once you confront her you will have a better idea of how to move forward.

If she is remorseful and apologizes then you may feel you want to give her a second chance. If she is defiant and angry and not sorry for betraying you then that will make things harder.

I think that hiring a private investigator while you are working abroad will be a good thing. Sometimes it's better to have proof when you confront so they cannot lie their way out of it or call you crazy.

I tend to be wary when people aren’t sure about affairs or not. However the email you post really doesn’t leave much doubt does it? There are sentences and words there that IMHO clearly indicate an inappropriate relationship. I think you CAN confront with what you have but have some things in mind:

Have a plausible explanation on how you got the information. Telling her you have spyware on the computer will only mean she changes her mode of communications with this man. If you need to then lie – tell her you found a printout in the printer, that she left the computer open, that the mail was in the company SPAM filter, that someone saw them together, that you got an anonymous tip-off… whatever. Once you confront then STICK TO IT. It’s up to her to prove to you that you got it wrong and not yours to prove she is having an affair.

You don’t need “legal quality” proof to confront but you MIGHT need legal quality proof if this goes to divorce. One of your first steps (in fact – your absolute first step) should be to consult a lawyer. When dealing with infidelity you need to keep a “Pray for sun – prepare for rain” mentality. The goal MIGHT be to save the marriage but the process MIGHT lead to divorce. So ask a lawyer whether infidelity factors at all if this leads to divorce, what level of proof you need an how best to obtain it.

Depending on your lawyers answers you might need to wait for the required proof. Confronting her now will only force the affair deeper. However – if you don’t need further proof then do NOT delay in confronting.

Sad – My advice is based 100% on the goal of saving the marriage. I feel a need to stress this because the following advice is EXTREMELY tough and will sound as if I think this is a lost cause. What you are facing is an extremely tough situation and there really isn’t ANY easy way out. This requires tough action.

Basically it all boils down to ONE question:

Do you enjoy or like sharing your wife?

If your answer is “yes” then good luck. If it’s “no” then you have to grasp this statement and repeat it regularly to your wife:

“I love you to pieces BUT I have realized that losing you is the lesser of two evils compared to sharing you. I can recover from losing you given time but I can NEVER accept sharing you.”

Once you confront and let her know you are aware of the affair you lay down your ultimatums:

Either you end the affair and work on the marriage OR this inevitably goes to divorce because I refuse to share you.

A telling line in her post is this:

but honestly, right now I am not thinking about it... I just want to live in present, with you.. which is such a happy feeling..

This is typical affair talk. In your post you talk a lot about your inadequacies. STOP IT! Her affair has nothing at all to do with you or what you did not or cannot do. Her affair is FANTASY. It’s about something other than reality. The quote from her letter underlines this. She is saying: I want to live in this fantasy and not face reality. So what you do (once you confront) is that you make her fantasy reality.

Fantasy NEVER lives up to reality. Once out the chances are immense that the affair will fade away. IMMENSE. This has been shown again and again here on SI and is one of the few more-or-less ironclad guarantees we can give.

So how to make a fantasy reality?

The key is exposure. The OM wife should know – typical reaction is that OM will end the affair and work at saving his marriage. That’s the start and something you DEFINITELY need to do. Depending on the situation you might need to expose to more.

You also make the reality of divorce clear:

Divorce is a very misunderstood concept. It’s not an alternative relationship but rather a termination of a relationship. It’s not clear (to me) if your wife is pregnant or whether the pregnancy was terminated but IF you don’t have a child and IF this ends in divorce then 2-3 years from now there will be no contact whatsoever between you two.

As a rule a WW thinks of divorce as keeping all the benefits without having to deal with her BH. As a rule a BH thinks of divorce as leaving his house with a suitcase and spending many years in poverty while supporting the former wife. Neither is true.

This is why you speak to a lawyer regarding divorce, infidelity and division of assets. Divorce isn’t “fair” and as a rule both people think they “lost” when divorcing. It’s better to have a firm, fair and realistic goal for divorce rather than allow WW to maintain a fantasy of an unchanged life – only without you.

If you want to save the marriage then once you expose you give your WW the line about not wanting to share her. Then you tell her that until she ends the affair (and in doing that meets some requirements you will set to assure you it’s over) divorce is the only inevitable solution. You then refuse to talk about divorce particulars – you say “I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to make rational decisions regarding divorce. Talk to my lawyer.”

Then follow the 180 to the letter. Carry on a normal as possible daily life focusing on the 180 and work on divorce UNTIL or UNLESS she ends the affair and asks to work on the marriage.

She will try to lay the blame on you. Each and every time she does you answer along the lines of “That is definitely an issue I would be willing to work on with you IF we decide to reconcile. However until I am convinced the affair is over then this is a moot point.”

To summarize:

1) Get a clear picture of the legal status IF this leads to divorce.

2) Once that is clear then confront your wife. Don’t give away sources.

3) Make the fantasy reality. Tell OM wife. No warning, no threats. Just do it.

4) Work on moving out of infidelity. Your wife can come with you IF she commits to reconciliation.

5) If she does not then carry on with the inevitable early steps of divorce. Remember you can always back down.

Finally – IF she is pregnant and you have even the slightest doubt regarding paternity then get legal advice on how to proceed. Chances are you will have to refuse paternity within a period after birth otherwise you will – as her legal husband – be decreed the father. IF this is leading to divorce and IF there is a realistic chance OM is the father then this is something you want to deal with.

Sadindian,

I am so very sorry you are in the same 'infidelity' boat as the rest of us here. It is an extremely shocking situation to suddenly find ourselves in. Try to remember that YOU ARE IN SHOCK and now is not the time to be making major life decisions about whether or not to divorce, IMO.

Yes, I think you should hire a PI to check things out while you are traveling. Let him snoop around and you use the next couple of weeks to decide how you want to handle things.

I do have a concern for your wife though. This may sound ignorant on my part, so please bear with me. I honestly really don't know anything about Indian culture other than what I have heard on television, but I have heard some horrific reports on what can happen to adulterous Indian wives. Please tell me this could not possibly happen in her situation. And I'm not suggesting that these type things could happen at your hand, but possibly at the hand of another person that might have knowledge of her infidelity? If so, I would stop right now, and give this much much more thought.

I hope I haven't offended you with what may be complete ignorance on my part.

averysadindian,

Heartbreak knows no geographical lines....nor do helpful souls. SI has a tremendous amount of caring people that will go above and beyond to help you on this path because they have been in your shoes too and someone helped them. Doesn't matter if you are in India or US.

My old friend was from India with an arranged marriage. At that time (probably 20 yrs ago), divorce was not much of an option based on her country. She told me if they did ever divorce, he would be able to go on and remarry but she would never be allowed too and she would wear a stigma of disgrace. She would be deemed 'spoiled', etc.

Is the culture still the same there? Or is divorce more acceptable? I am just wondering because they may or may not have influence on her admitting to the affair and working on the marriage? It could affect how you guys opt to proceed, etc.? Whether she is having an emotional affair or a physical affair, there is a lot of work to heal. Are you in a geographical region that will aid with that? Meaning would you guys be able to get any sort of counseling to help you?

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 10:28 AM, August 18th (Wednesday)]

SadIndian,

Please read Biggers advice several times, he is one of our very well respected old hands round here.

To answer some of your questions, (Note im assuming that your wife is already involved in a PA in my responses, and has been for some time.)

Hire a private investigator to get proof of her actions when I would be gone to Europe for a couple of weeks in 2 weeks time.

If you can last that long without confronting her and its not to much of a financial cost then yes that would seem like an ideal approach, especially since if they are being carefull at the moment once you are gone they will have a lot more opportunity to incriminate themselves.

If there is proof then I confront her with the affair and demand a NC. That way even if does stay in contact with the person I can track with the software. That way I would know if its a hopeless case or not.

When you confront if you have proof then you know the truth and so does she, there isnt really any need to give up any of your sources. just present some of the information. If she persists, then you can say respond that where you got the information from is not the issue at the moment, that you both know that it is real, and that her infidelity is the issue.

Is sexual fidelity necessary for good marriage, Or can marriage work based on an arrangement of basic care for each other.

No sexual fidelity is not a requirement of a succesful marriage, infact there are many many variations of what makes a successfull marriage around the world. For some an Open marriage works fine, however a key point underpinning an open marriage is trust, honest, and respect. Even in open marriages there are typically boundaries that the partners are expected to uphold.

I see that my wife spends a lot of time looking at facebook profiles of other ( nearly all men). Does this mean that she is indeed seeking other men besides her present lover. Does this indicate that this may be a chronic problem or is this just a phase of life in which she just bored out of her wits.

Id doubt that its because she is bored, other that in the very trivialist sense, that she has some time to kill just at that moment. Take on its own it wouldnt necessarily be considered a problem, however in the context of the situation you describe, it is at least cause for concern, it may not indicate a pattern, but this type of behaviour, fishing for other potential partners is not that uncommon, my own WW had several simultaneous A's several of which started on either social websites of on 'hook up' websites. You wont be able to get a definitive answer from us, just opinions, clouded by our own experiences.

If she is a supportive friend and has shown that she has my best interest at her heart, would it be wise to end this marriage and leave her and myself alone.

Only you can answer this question, take the time that you need to decide if you want to try R or D.... its often recomended that unless you have a strong feeling one way or the other that you take some time to let the initial emotional shock and turmoil subside before making this decision. Certainly If you can split ammicably if may be a good outcome for both of you, However i would caution you against assuming that once you confront that your W will continue to have your best interest at heart. In fact many would say that by being involved in an A that she has clearly demonstrated that she hasnt since atleast when the A started. Im a little softer an think that often they do not believe that any harm is being dona as long as you dont find out, and then they push what would happen if you do out of their thoughts and avoid thinking about it at all.

I am not being sentimental... but what about her being with me for 12 year ( minus one year , lets say)...does she not deserve a second chance. But on second chances I wonder if second chances lead to second rate lives for both of us. I am still young and why do I want to put myself into this for the next 30 ( or 40) years.

I had decided that i would offer my wife the chance to R even before i had confronted her, even before i knew all the details of exactly what she had been up to. For me it wasnt about what she deserved, but what i deserved. I deserved a chance at the life we could have if she was able to show remorse and we could Reconcile (R). My children deserved that i be willing to try and R the M. and yes i felt that even my WW deserved the chance to try and work things out. At the same time i knew that if R failed, as it ultimately did, that i was strong enough and that i would eventually survive the alternative as well. Both paths are hard, and its not uncommon to think the other one would be easier, i think this is a fallacy. you need to choose what you feel is best for you, what you can commit to do. Walk your chosen path with honor and you will allways be able to hold your head high. If you offer R be prepared to give it your every effort, true R is a lot of work, but as the R'd BS and WS here on SI would testify the end result is well worth it. D is also not easy, nor often as bad as we think, there are many BS's that have gone on with their lives without their WS and are better for it.

If you are capable of holding out for the next two weeks withut confronting here, then your trip to europe might well provide you with the opportunity to do some self inspection, to give you some time to yourself to decide what you really want. If you have to extend the trip a couple of days to find the time, it might be worth considering.

verysadindian, we have a lot in common but our situation isn't the same. I will send you a private message.

I just found out last week myself and am just starting to figure out what I need to do to recover from this. Take one day at a time and don't make any hasty decisions. Nothing needs to be solved in a day or a week or a month. You take your time to figure out how you will handle this new information.

[This message edited by punkdagain at 2:27 PM, August 18th (Wednesday)]

Hello friends !! I can not thank you enough. But I am slow at typing and therefore can not write as much as some of you have been so kind to share with me. Here are some thoughts and questions.

1. First thing to reply is what painpaingoaway and EvenKeel have expressed. I am not as angry as I am sad and while I am still undecided on what line to pursue, even if I decide to go for D, I would be very sensitive to the future of my WW. If I go for D then its coz I want a new life for myself and not coz I want her to suffer in anyway. You are partly right that I can make my WW’s life a pretty bad hell if I got down to it and pretty much make sure that she has no social life left, much alone have a relationship. But while it helps to know i have the choice there is no way I am going to do it that way. But India is not like some middle East countries where women get stoned to death just on the suspicion of infidelity. She will be fine and can remarry if this all ends in a D.

2. Here is the most important question of this post: I am more and more inclined towards a D ( I know right now is not a time to think about big decisions)...but please bear with me. The reason is that I have given her a 100% of myself to her ( she has done that too ...until sometime in the past). I am not comfortable with the idea of forcing a NC on her. I have always been liberal and trusting. Plus I think a little higher of myself than to police over her after confronting her. I am not that kind of person who would want to snoop around ( for example, even though suspecting it in Feb 2010, I did not act on my suspicion).

Friends!! for me the point number 2 above is the most fundamental question right now. I would be very grateful for your advice on this fundamental question.

Now, with immense gratitude to all the friends here, I will respond to some key points mentioned by you guys.

@SourCherryDrops : I will surely hold out for 2 weeks. And as family is a big thing in India, my ( and her) parents would get severely affected by this ( her would get devastated) . My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks ago ( last stage, will survive for 4 months maybe) so I may hold taking any publicly visible action on this until then. For the rest you have shared so much good advice with me. I will not waste everyone’s time venting out what will not help.

@Bigger : the pregnancy came to light last October and was terminated then. For the rest you have written so much good stuff and I am just reading it again and again.

GUYS...PLEASE LET ME KNOW ABOUT POINT NUMBER 2 ABOVE....I HAVE MADE IT BOLD TO HIGHLIGHT IT.

I am not familiar with your divorce laws but if it is based on English Common Law, much like here in Canada, ask your lawyer about a Postnuptial Agreement. In the event that you divorce her because of a new infidelity she suffers a much larger financial consequence. Instead of a 50/50 split of your assets she agrees to say 20%. Her words mean shit at this point, it is her actions that are her true expression to you. You need to decide if you want to stay with her first. Make sure you expose them if you want the infidelity to stop. Be very clear about your bondaries with her and what the consequences are if she breaks them. Take action friend, no one deserves to be in a marriage with infidelity.

SadIndian,

How do I live my life in future with her ( lets say 2 years from now, when things have gotten better between us) and trust her that this will not happen again. Why risk that when I can make use of my financial independence, young age and other very likeable traits and move on with my life and perhaps aim higher for myself. I don’t want to ( at least right now) live my life feeling compelled that I need to keep an eye out for her activities because this is not how I would spend precious years of my life.

I think the love you have for her will guide you in this. And, your assessment of her love for you once this is exposed. But, IMO, it is still way to early in the process to tell how either one of you will feel until this is out in the open between the two of you.

But, I absolutely understand how you feel...why stay with someone who really doesn't want to be with you? I get it, I really do, and I agree with it. But, you still don't know how things will play out until everything is out in the open.

I wish you well.

Peace.

I am not comfortable with the idea of forcing a NC on her. I have always been liberal and trusting. Plus I think a little higher of myself than to police over her after confronting her. I am not that kind of person who would want to snoop around ( for example, even though suspecting it in Feb 2010, I did not act on my suspicion).

You wouldn't be forcing no contact on her. She would have to agree to it freely if she wanted to reconcile and save your marriage.

I feel your pain my brother.

SadIndian,

Classical_fan is right, Its something that some of us realise quickly and others take a long time to internalise. But at the end of the day we cannot control anyone other than ourselves. You cannot control her choices, you cannot force her to go NC. no matter how much you monitor here, no matter what constraints you place upon her, if she wants to contact the OM again she will.

You could request that she go NC. And then ITS HER CHOICE if she does it or not. Just as its your choice how you react to whether she upholds a NC or not.

I can see by what you have written that the little mind demons are starting to ply with you. You are already playing the what-if game with yourself. You are already considering what you would do if she says that she doesnt want to be with you. At this point before you have confronted her its too early to say whether she really doesnt want to be with you or not. Its a cruel twist of fate that so many WS#s seem to be able to compartmentalise their A behaviours, to keep it as an almost completely seperate fantasy world. Bigger alluded to as much in his post. It may be that when she is faced with the consequence of loosing you that she drops her AP... unfortunately the opposite is also true, she may decide that the fantasy s preferable. So while a little what-if thinking is ok, in fact i normally recomend trying to reach decisions in advance when your not entrenched in a particular moment, It would pay to keep tabs on yourself and make try to make sure that you dont sink into a game of what-if with yourself, of second guessing every littel thing thats happened and that might happen in the future.

You talk about your hesitancy to act like her jailor, to constantly check up on her. Unfortunately for vaery many (but perhapes not all) BS that are trying to R with their WS's checking up, or verification as we like to call it becomes a part of your everyday life, in the begining many BS's will be verifying the whereabouts and the communications of their BS#s several times a day, as the trust slowly increases the need to verify deminishes so that they may only verify every few days, There are plenty of threads in the R section that deal with this, Unfortunately it also seems not too uncommon for a BS to still occsionally feel the need to verify once in a blue moon even many years after A, even if they consider themselves fully R'd. So bassed on the experience of others i think trying to R will involve verification.

We verify not to control, not to catch them lying, but to rebuild trust, the broken trust is one of the fundamental issues in infidelity, every time a BS verifies, and finds nothing a small deposit is made back into the WS's trust account. Trying to build up a significant trust balance again without verification could be a difficult task.

Another theme from your question is whether or not she will do it again. This is difficult to say, generally we say that there is a fundamental difference in the WS that allowed them to commit infidelity, whether it is some sort of addiction, a personality disorder, poor boundaries, a pattern of behaviour, whatever... ultimately they were faced with the CHOICE to commit infidelity, and they CHOOSE to do it. If the WS does not address this difference, does not takes steps to correct or ammend it, then there is a very good chance that sooner or later they will return to the same behaviour and have another A. However if a WS does work on themselves, does do the introspection and self analysis to identify the issue, then they may well never CHOOSE infidelity again. Unfortunately there is no guarentee that they are willing or even capable of doing what needs to be done. The catch 22 with tthis is that even with a new partner there are still no guarantees, the new partner may have a whole new set of issues that are not immediately obvious at the start of the relationship (we all like to wear a set of rose coloured glasses the first couple of years)

But you are right, as a still young man, that is succesful, financially independant, you probably have (if youll excuse my crass wording) good market value. If you did D you still have plenty of time to find a new partner, to start a familly, and to build a beautiful future.

I probably have not helped you answer your question, but i hope that i have provided at least some additional information that may help you reach the best decision for you. You may find it usefull to have a look through some of the threads in sections like Reconciliation, or D & S, or even New Beginings just to get a feel for what might lie ahead depending on what path you choose.

I am sorry you are going through this. I really really like Bigger's advice!

Spot on!

Hi avsi,

Your point #2 is very important. "No contact" and "no future lying and cheating" are obvious necessities for reconciliation but there is the problem of verifying, especially in the beginning.

Since you are waiting to confront you are probably going to worry about this for a while; once things are out in the open, the workings of NC may be more clear to you, and you'll have a better idea of what you can tolerate.

You will see some people on this board who have continual trouble getting their WS to establish NC, not to break NC, not to lie about breaking NC . . . that is a very tough situation to be in and while in some cases it does end up working out eventually, I for one could not have gone through it. In my case, my husband had already established NC, told me about the A voluntarily, and ever since then has been 100% transparent about anything I might possibly consider dodgy behavior on his part. And I STILL have bouts (fifteen years later!) of hypervigilance, wanting to check up on him, asking pointed questions about where he's been. This doesn't happen often and he suffers it with good grace, but it will probably never go away.

So, what you might ask yourself is, could you live with that? If your wife re-commits to your marriage, is completely honest and above-board and transparent in all her actions from here on out, can you accept that? Then realize that it's possible, especially in the early days, that she won't be willing to cooperate, be transparent, etc. How long are you willing to check up on her? Can you be patient for a few days or weeks while she realizes what she's going to lose by not reconciling?

And of course, if she refuses to go NC, I think Bigger has made your options quite clear.

I'm so sorry this is happening. Do please take care of yourself.

Hi Folks. I am few hours short of 72 hours ( time is moving differently right now) since the first shock. And because I am not confronting my wife with this stuff yet ( keeping it inside while I plan to use other means of gathering evidences) my behaviour is noticeably abnormal to my wife. She probed me today and her questions seem to suggest that she was probing if I am having an affair ( how ironical). ... She was aggressive in her approach which made me back down a bit coz I don’t want to blow my cover as yet. I am acting and saying as if I am feeling a little depressed. I hope that this acting strategy is not counter productive ....if you think so then let me know but to me this is the only way I can continue to act until I gather more evidence.

But seeing her “concern” with my “depression” I for a moment forgot why I am in this state in the first place. Its ok if you think that I am being a little ridiculuous but I had to go over the emails again to tell myself that there is a reason why I am suffering and not bursting out is making it harder. By the way I will quote another email here, which was sent by her after seeing pictures of this guy on Facebook.

“Oh!! u look real handsome in black jacket and white shirt... never saw you wearing this one...

Moving on ...first I would like to reiterate that, you all have been incredible ( I am running out of words to praise you guys for your effort) and therefore I will answer some key points one by one which will perhaps give me clarity.

@PPGA : Thanks for your kind words. I will hope that there is something that will make the decision easier when it comes out. But right now I am holding this inside as I gather more evidence...

@classical_fan : I understand what you are saying about her agreeing to the NC and abiding by it...but thats what I don’t know if she will ( and I don’t want to keep checking) and because I have lost the trust....I have come to a dead end...

@ SourCherryDrops : I fully get what you are saying and that I have no control on what anyone else than myself does and I accept that.

KINDLY EXPLAIN THIS PART OF YOUR OST AS I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THIS: “So while a little what-if thinking is ok, in fact i normally recomend trying to reach decisions in advance when your not entrenched in a particular moment, It would pay to keep tabs on yourself and make try to make sure that you dont sink into a game of what-if with yourself, of second guessing every littel thing thats happened and that might happen in the future.”

MANY thanks for clearly putting on the table what R involves. Its helps a lot to clear my mind towards what’s involved.

I also get that there is some hidden issue that might be leading to the A. And that its not even sure if its recognisable ( poor self esteem seems a likely case though) much less “treatable “ . The problem for me is that I thnk that my wife will ( very likely) get on her knees and beg me to not leave ( else time will tell...I am getting educated each day)...but that might still not prevent the behaviour pattern to stop while she may claim that she is “working on it”. I have already asked this question in the last post and so this is just a thought.

PLUS : I am not thinking about another partner right now...but your straightforward words do make me see the other side a little clearer.... I am quite likely to have trust issues from now on with anyone....as

I can see this will hurt my self esteem a little too... average looks, average sized sexual organ, etc...(Sorry ! Still on the roller coaster) .... If a partner of 12 years can turn to someone else...isn’t it likely that someone else might too...etc etc. ( I am not thinking about this right now but I fear that I might).

THANKS SCD ! You have helped me reach my answer quite a bit.

@ Sherman : Wonder and kind words from you. I want to wait until I answer those questions for myself as I am hurting still from the deception. I can not make the judgment when I am angry but I am getting more and more sure that I wont want to verify....I find it a little demeaning to myself...maybe its stupid to think this highly of myself ...but I feel deceived and for all the willingness to challenge myself and better myself etc that I have done in the last years, I am NOT willing to keep tabs on someone... I would rather separate. If this was my teenage kid I think I would have no problem to keep her/him out of trouble...but maybe its ego or maybe its pain of broken trust that I DO NOT find myself willing to police my ( supposed to be grownup and adult ) wife. Do you know what I am saying?

Thanks again to everyone... I am concluding this post here.