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My ex and I are now divorced, but the rage he felt and expressed post-D-Day scared the living daylights out of me. He would scream and hit things (not me) and threaten all sorts of physical and other harm on me and/or xOM. I would shake and try to remain motionless - like he would stop if I didn't call attention to myself.

Up until our D being final, my xBH wanted to R, but I did not. The A was long over and I am working very hard on dealing with the issues that led to my devastating choices, but I had asked my xBH for a divorce before I even met the AP, and the disclosure of the A did not change my mindset about the marriage.

Anyway, when the D was final, my xBH lashed out at everyone - threatened the xOM and the xOM's BW (!!) with physical harm and litigation. He also used information he'd gleaned from VAR and hacking my email (long after we'd been granted D by the courts) to threaten several of my close friends - he told them he'd disclose highly personal information about them they'd told me in confidence if they kept talking to me. Most cut me out of their life, and I don't blame them. He followed through on his threat with one of them with grave consequences to her.

Anyway, all that to say, the first antiversary of D-Day is coming up and he is referencing wanting to "hurt" certain people. He is entitled to feel rage and anger and I can't stand that I have hurt him so badly and caused him to feel this way. That said, he's shown that these are not just feelings he's working through - he will and has taken vengeance in the past.

The anxiety and fear that he will hurt someone are overwhelming and I guess I am wondering, how long will rage of this magnitude last? Will I be bracing myself that he may try to kill someone, sue someone, or destroy people he believes condoned the A in some way next year at this time? Five years from now? There isn't enough Xanax in the world for that.

No stop sign so I'm going to reply:

He's got serious anger issues. It is totally understandable for him to be angry and hurt... but to threaten and intimidate you and your friends and family is completely over the top.

In my opinion, if he's threatening physical harm you should take that information... text messages, emails etc. and file a police report.

You are divorced now and there is no reason for him to continue his crusade to ruin your life. Seriously consider getting the law involved, he sounds very unstable and potentially dangerous. Threats should be taken seriously. I'm sorry you are going through this... you don't deserve it regardless of your choices.

I would suggest not talking to him over the phone forcing him to communicate via text and email so you have proof of your claims. If it's just your word against his you don't have much to go on. Voice mail messages are admissable in court as well as texts and emails. Let him hang himself... and then hopefully the courts will order him to attend anger-management classes.

HUGS!

[This message edited by CryingGreenEyes at 12:16 AM, September 3rd (Friday)]

Ground...

I do agree with CGE....

You can file harassment charges...they're criminal charges - and you dont need a lawyer....

Hes crazy...take care of yourself...

Bufffalo

He's way out of line. At the very minimum I would warn him one more transgression and you will go to the police.

It may be more prudent to speak with the police as it is however.

GZ,

I totally hear you on having my mind made up before the A. My husband knew about mine but has had anger issues as well.

I'm a little confused, though. I see that you've posted recently about choosing to move across country away from friends and family to live a few blocks from your husband and that your divorce was amicable.

Is this something new that's come up since you've moved?

Take care of yourself above all!!!

Thanks, everyone. No, this isn't something new, though I have not seen the extreme anger since March when our D was finalized (court granted in December, but there is a mandated 90 day wait before it became final-final). So March is when he last went ballistic. But since then, nothing until this recent reference to hurting people in conjunction with the first antiversary. The thing that scares me most is that the night that he started to unleash in March, he had just sent me a very sweet and kind email about how much he valued me and our amicable relationship. Followed five minutes later by a dose of C4 explosives (figuratively) to my good friend's life. It shows me that I will not see it coming.

He is very...mercurial. That seems to be the only word that fits. He is all sweetness and light to me until he is anything but. And it seems to be simmering just below the surface. I had spoken to my various mental health professionals (I've racked up an assortment at this point!) about his behavior and all said he is a pretty classic abuser - that's the cycle with him. Crazy anger, then he falls all over himself apologizing, it will never happen again, I am a saint, blah blah blah. Then the manipulation starts up again and if I don't "cave" the explosion follows soon after.

We ARE amicable when it comes to the kids and, in general, when it comes to money issues. On the surface, we are very friendly toward each other. My friends (including those that used to be mutual friends) and family think that I should hate him with every fiber of my being. But, honestly, I cannot afford to hate him or let myself even consider it. I have seen what happens to children whose parents hate each other and it is very damaging. So this is one arena where the ability to compartmentalize that paved the way for the A comes into play in a different way.

99% of the time he will take full responsibility for his role in the end of our marriage. But that 1% is scary as hell. He is SO full of rage about the "man who fucked his wife" as he puts it. He pays lip service otherwise, but it is clear that he thinks if I had never met xOM we'd be living happily ever after right now. In fact, as twisted as it may seem, I think he's even MORE angry that I DIDN'T end up with xOM and divorced him nonetheless, because in his mind, either I should be groveling for a second chance with him or I only would have left him because I was deluded into thinking I had found something better. The truth - that I would rather be alone than be with him - is crushing.

I am stuck. If I did not move as I did, my kids would have to continue to fly across the country to see their parents (or wait for us to fly to them). It was taking it's toll on them very clearly. And since I had lost my job after xOM's BW disclosed the A to my boss last year (hence my xH's rage toward her though I completely understand why she did it), there was really nothing that legitimately kept me in that state. My family actually live much closer to me here (I moved to xH's state yesterday - they are now about an hour and a half away) than they did where I was living, so that is a positive for me.

I am trying to be careful. I am documenting everything. And I am ready to get a PO if I feel physically threatened or I think he is spying on me again - but since we D'd, the way he hurts me is by hurting the people around me and severing my connections to others. Something that is tough to protect against with a PO.

Ugh. He is sick, I know that. I just want the outbursts to stop or at least have some faith that it WILL end someday. I have been going to Al Anon meetings, and that has helped a bit with support in dealing with him. I just feel like I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall and knowing that I may have absolutely no warning to brace for the fall. And it sucks. Sorry to ramble. Thanks for "listening."

Again, no sign, so I hope it's okay for me to post.

You could file restraining order, but keep in mind that it's largely symbolic, a piece of paper cannot stop someone on a mission.

Do everything you can to protect yourself. Change locks, get outdoor security cameras, etc. Even a heads up email to friends and family could keep him from blowing things up if he's discredited ahead of time.

Is he still allowed to see the kids? Any act of violence would most certainly interfere with this.

Reminding him that lashing out at your loved ones could effect his custody rights might be effective.

gz, he sounds like he's got really deep seated issues...the rage may never go away, the rage may escalate to the point where he does something totally irrational....

the point is, he is a time bomb, you will never know when he will blow until he does...its a horrible way to live...he sound extraoridnarily bitter and from the sounds of it will remain so...he will not be able to let it go without admitting he has a problem...which is highly unlikely...

i see no way through this mess for you, you are bound together by children...

HOWEVER...should his rage ever escalate physically, you need to move fast and furious..to prepare you may want to talk to law enforcement and to an atty to find out what recourse you would have...remember you have children together...and if you cannot cut this man completely out he will always be able to get to you through them if he deems it necessary...people like this scare me...and i am sorry..i wish i had answers for you that would help...

I'm sorry I didn't say in my previous post - it is absolutely okay for you to post. I left the stop sign off knowingly. Who better to know how long the intense rage may last than a BS? Though I am increasingly painfully aware that far and away, no SIer has expressed his or her anger the way my xBH has. So I am not sure that anyone can speak from personal experience because feeling anger, while normal, is not normally expressed like this.

I guess I am having a really hard time balancing doing everything I can to protect myself against doing everything I can to ensure my children come out of this disaster relatively unscathed. I know that if I seek a restraining order or doing something similar that - even though he knows very well how scared I am of him - he will see it as a declaration of WAR.

And I have what my therapists have tried to convince me is a misguided perception that I can protect everyone else if I sacrifice myself to a degree. He tells me the only thing that keeps him from taking action against various people in my life is that he respects me and values our relationship. That I am the only thing stopping him.

I guess when it comes right down to it, I feel like doing the things to protect myself - things I'd urge my friends or family to do if they were in my shoes - is selfish. Extremely selfish. Because I will be putting the welfare of all of these people that I care so very much about after my own. Including my children (though I am positive he would never hurt them - the total annihilation of our relationship would). I've been told I think I have too much power - to much ability to control this situation. That I cannot control anyone - lest of all him. But when he lost his shit in March, I refused to speak to him at all. Mutual friends ended their relationship with him after telling him that I'd been sobbing to the point of vomiting for days and he initially refused to back off. He only called off the dogs and tried to repair some of the damage he had done when he saw that I was not changing my mind about interacting with him at all and that once I felt like I had nothing left to lose I would then fight. Before (and now, frankly) I'd do just about anything short of remarrying him or otherwise romantically engaging him to keep the peace.

It's hard for me not to feel like I am the only thing keeping him from harming lots of people. The worst is xOM's BW. I am responsible for so much of her pain. The thought of her suffering substantially at the hands of my crazy xH is too much.

I feel like I will be holding my breath through the end of the year - through the antiversary, the date we filed for D, the date we were granted D and all the holidays. Each seems like it could trigger rage.

Thanks again for wading through the complexities of all of this with me. I guess I just wanted to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I've told those close to me, I feel like the dutch boy with my finger in the dam. I know I can't hold out forever, but maybe if I hold on long enough, the waters will recede and the danger will pass.

((((GZ)))). How horrible for you. Your ex is clearly unbalanced.

What you're describing is a terrifying situation. Your main focus has to be your children and your safety.

Everyone else you mention seems to already know him and what he's capable of so they need to take the necessary steps as well. He's completely responsible for his actions and choices.

I think he's way beyond "anger issues". He's a sick twisted man and someone that needs to be watched closely and taken seriously.

Very worried for you

I think it really unfortunate that you did not follow through on the divorce before becoming involved in another relationship as you had already expressed your feelings regarding your marital situation and your desire for divorce. That's when you should have made the decision to move out and divorce. However, you dragged an affair into a failed marriage which some folk on here call an "exit affair"

If I was him (female though) and my husband had stayed in the marriage for whatever reason after considering divorce, I would have taken that as a message that he wanted to work on the marriage or reconcile and would have thought that was the case.

If he had then gone and had an affair BEFORE leaving the marriage, I would be full of rage too (like all BS's). We all know there is a rage period.

In very many ways I can understand his feelings because in his mind you had an affair that broke up your marriage. He's not equating the two in the way YOU think he should.

On the other hand, I do believe his anger is out of control, but then again, so was mine. Affairs are painful, confusing and hurtful. NOBODY leaves a marriage unaffected.

he told them he'd disclose highly personal information about them they'd told me in confidence if they kept talking to me. Most cut me out of their life, and I don't blame them. He followed through on his threat with one of them with grave consequences to her.

What was the nature of the personal information? I'm guessing it was not personal hygiene tips.

What was the work relationship between you and the OM? Was the xOM fired?

Why is he angry with the xOM's wife?

On the other hand, I do believe his anger is out of control, but then again, so was mine. Affairs are painful, confusing and hurtful. NOBODY leaves a marriage unaffected.

That's very true and GZ has been quite clear that she accepts total responsibility for that.

One thing that cannot be discounted is one's reaction to rejection. As I've mentioned, I work with women involved in DV and often times divorcing someone gets these exact same extreme responses when infidelity is no part of the equation at all.

Some people do not deal with rejection well and basically lose their shit...become stalkers, abusers, violent. It's about control and the loss of it.

There is no excuse for it and it needs to be taken very seriously.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 10:00 AM, September 4th (Saturday)]

Totally agree with you uncertain one. There's no way to predict how someone handles rejection.

Have to admit I was a rageaholic. Of course his infidelity with my SIL has affected our whole family in horrible horrible ways.

Not making excuses, and now am separated, but am seeking help in all different directions.

It helps

Uncertainone, thank you. Just thank you. Reading your words makes me feel better even when you are affirming the fear I have in this situation.

Onlyonce, you are right - I should have divorced him when I had made the decision to and told him that. It was stupid and ultimately callous and cruel not to. As uncertainone mentions, I do not know how much of this fallout I would have avoided as so much of his rage comes from the rejection, but I would have avoided inflicting incredible pain on him. The reason I did not D him right away is that right after I told him what I wanted we listed our house way under what we had into it and it would not sell. Then he lost his job and we were struggling to make mortgage payments on the house that he had really wanted and I had not been so keen on. So he was in a deep depression about that, feeling he was responsible for all of our financial problems. Feeling he could not take care of his family and had to rely on his wife 100% financially. I never had an issue with that, but it was always a point of pride for him to make more money than me. He was already a heavy drinker and he stepped it up quite a bit in the midst of all this. And he kept telling me that if he didn't have me he would not want to continue living. I feared that he might kill himself if I pushed the D forward, so I laid off it. I had never even looked at another man at this point - it was as if they never even registered to me - so I thought that there was no big rush to end the marriage. I thought we could get the house sold and he could find another job and when the rest of his life was more stable, he'd then be strong enough for me to push ahead on the D. Then I met xOM and made a series of devastatingly bad and cruel decisions.

wwashington - the information was about things that she knew about that were going on in her workplace that she had asked me for advice on how to handle - things that would jeopardize her job. She had also talked to me on the phone (VAR in the car) and email (he hacked that) about the fact that she was thinking of ending her marriage. She had shared a lot of her issues that she had with her husband sexually that were deeply personal and that she was so unhappy. As to her, my xBH told her husband about her feelings about his sexual shortcomings and that she did not want to be married to him anymore. He threatened in an email to her that he cc'd me on to disclose the sensitive work information as well, though he backed off that as days passed. He apologized to her for what he'd done. I know from her "make him stop" calls to me at the time that the damage to her husband and their relationship was significant, though I do not know what happened to their relationship as she stopped speaking to me after that, which I don't blame her for.

xOM and I worked in different offices of the same company. We worked on the same projects and usually communicated several times a week by email and phone. Even though our offices were only a few miles from each other, we didn't meet for the first several years we worked together. We met at a company party and the attraction was immediate. Then we started down that path that I see so often on these pages - increased professional messages, then we became FB friends, started writing each other there every few days, then once a day, then going out for drinks and sharing with each other the issues we were having at home, then confession of mutual attraction, and so on.

No, he was not fired. We have different bosses and I am a woman, to be blunt about the true reason that I believe I was fired and he was not. We work in an industry where As among the men are prevalent, and I think that it just was much easier for them to swallow that he had done it than for me. I know that if I had made a stink about gender discrimination that they would have fired him too. But what good does that do me? And I had already brought such pain to his family (yes, he was an equal participant), but he was the sole breadwinner and they were barely making it. I did not need to take him down with my ship.

My xBH is angry with xOM's wife because she outed the A to my boss, which resulted in the loss of my job. At the time, my xBH still had no job and according to our divorce agreement, I was paying him massive sums of money each month and giving him a significant share of bonuses and stock options. She took all that away from him in his mind. I have no anger whatsoever toward her for it - she did what she felt she had to do to save her marriage and I understand that, but my xBH does not share my sentiments, even when I point out to him that it was I who cost me my job, not her. She just told the truth.

Anyway, that's more of the background.

Lots of BSes become unhinged (again) on the anniversary of d-day and so do ex-spouses who did not want or initiate divorce. Watch his actions/words after the anniversary passes. If he is continuing this way at 16 or 18 months then I think you can assume it will continue until he finds another relationship or until he gets help.

BorrowTrouble, yeah my various therapists and my divorce attorney (!!) all agreed that rage like this doesn't usually go away until he has another love interest on which to focus. I have my fingers crossed that he will find a new love soon.

He really refuses to get help, except for taking boxing lessons as he so helpfully tells me. (Though I do see that as therapeutic, if scary. I'd prefer he become a Buddist and meditate rather than learn how to hit well.)

After the meltdown in March, when he groveled and apologized, he told me he scared himself and that he has lost control of himself. I told him that he tells me that, but what is he doing about it? I told him that his rage could cost him more than his good relationship with me, it could cost him his new job (he is in a political government position - criminal charges will not go over well), custody of his children, jail time, money, friends, etc. etc. I pointed out that he had stopped going to AA (and I believe, started drinking again, though he denies), stopped going to therapy, stopped taking antidepressants. It's like he realizes that he is a runaway train, but refuses to get his brakes fixed.

Realizing it is a crucial first step, so the fact that he sees it is a really, really good sign. The intractable abusers I've worked with have never gotten to that point. So, that is hopeful for you and your ex. He may just have to stew in his misery for a while longer to get the motivation to change.

I urge you to get some additional eyes and ears on what he's doing. PLEASE do not assume that he's just making threats. Take it seriously... file police reports accordingly. Don't fight a threat with a threat... ie... "if you threaten me again, I'll get a RO." Don't give him the opportunity to stop threatening and start acting.

Just use every available resource and protect yourself. Be sure someone else knows where your documentation is in the event he acts on his threats (if you're not ready to file a report)

Be careful and like I said before, regardless of your choices... no one has the right to harass or threaten you.

>>>He is all sweetness and light to me until he is anything but. And it seems to be simmering just below the surface.<<<

This resonates. My now-X BH is a charming, wonderful person. Unless he is angry. And the anger is always there, just below the charming, sweet surface he so carefully maintains. BTW: my XH has a drinking problem as well (though I don't think it's limited to just drink - more like addictive to various substances)

Like you, after D, I did anything within my power to spare my two kids the harm of a hostile break-up, and for some years we continued doing things in harmony, even celebrating b-days, X-mas as a family to make the transition as painless as possible to the kids.

What I failed to admit to myself (until it was too late) is that the reason that I spent so much time with him was because the anger, though primarily directed at me, was affecting the kids, too. They sensed it. It scared them.

It was the main reason I stayed close - to protect them.

Still, if anyone would have asked, I felt absolutely sure he would never harm the kids. I told myself this and really believed that.

But my own actions were belying my beliefs. I felt increasingly anxious about leaving them alone with him during visitation, and I increasingly bent over backward to make him pleased with me, to soothe his anger so he could not take it out on them.

Like you, I reached a point where I would do anything short of remarrying to keep the peace. And at some point I even considered that. To provide the kids with a warm, two-parent home. But deep down: to save the kids from harm.

Why am I telling you this? Because a year ago, I finally found out that I was a fool for telling myself his rage did not damage the kids. A fool for thinking it would be better for the kids if we stayed close and if I kept the family together as much as possible... A fool to think I was the real and only target of the rage, a fool for believing I could diffuse his anger, for believing he would stop well short of hurting our children. A fool for not taking my kids far, far away and amicable co-parenting be damnded.

A year ago, I discovered he hurt my children, had been hurting them and terrorizing them for years. They were to scared to tell me - and as driven to keep the peace and keep the family together and save us all from any unpleasantness, as I was. He had been secretly hurting the oldest for years. Only when he turned from physical abuse to sexual advances, did she finally find her voice and speak up.

People who behave like your H and mine are sick. They do not limit the damage to us only. We are not that great and powerful - they are equal opportunity 'destructors'. And you *cannot* keep your kids from harm as long as he has any impact on their lives. These people *will* harm your children. They will harm everything and everyone that they perceive has wronged them (including, in your case, the innocent betrayed spouse of your OM).

You may think I am over reacting. But my exH is still a much-loved, highly respected member of the community. Very charming, Sweetness and light. Meanwhile, I deal with a teenage daughter who cannot sleep for the nightmares of Daddy touching her, pushing her down the stairs, and laughing at her, and mommy groveling, rather than protecting her.

Please be aware. Be alert. And get your kids out - at the first sign of trouble.