SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've gone through the 180. Seems to be solid advice, and I've violated many of the rules, before readind it.

My question, how steadfast are these rules? I know that every relatonship is different, and that only certain rules of the 180 will apply to each person.

But my question is, the root of our prob is my unattention for too many years. It seems, according to the 180, that I don't pay much attention to my WS. Am I reading it wrong, or am I cerifialbly goofy? Sorry for my spelling btw.

You're shouldering and carrying way too much of the blame here. Your WW CHOSE to have A's!!! Regardless of whether you were overly attentive or flat out ignored her... she made a conscious decision to step outside the marriage. She had the choice to address the problems in the marriage in a constructive way...she chose to obliterate it! That is N-O-T your fault in anyway.

The 180 should be followed as closely as possible. Others will be along to offer more advice... but STOP blaming yourself. You may have contributed to the marital issues... but it was totally her choice to cheat!

elad,

Firstly brother, stop apologising for reaching out here on SI. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. All of us are here have received the benefit of the collective wisdom of those who have walked similar paths in the past. That is what makes SI so great .

I would suggest that (at least for a moment) you stop looking at what you think are the causes of your WW choosing to be unfaithful to you and trying to work out how you can fix it. The problem is not within you. It is within your WW. It therefore follows that the solution to your WW's continued cheating is not within you, it is within your WW.

You can be the most attentive H in the world and wait on her hand and foot 24/7 and from what you've described in your earlier posts, she will still not give up the OM in her life. Your inattention to your M is what your WW may well be using as the excuse or justification for her A(s), but it is not the cause.

I take it that you are worried that by implementing the 180 you will push your WW into the arms of the OM in her life. I hate to say it, but she's already there.

Have you read the thread on Understanding the 180 yet?

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785.

If so, I suggest you read it again. If you haven't read it yet, do so as I think you are likely to get some clarity there.

Keep posting and posing questions. As the old saying goes "the only stupid question is the one you don't ask".

Thanks for the advice, and the links.

I'm being given a conflicting message from my WS. I havent't been attentive for years. and now that i am, i'm suffocating her. i want us to work. maybe i'll stick to the 180, and run with it.

nothing else works.

I'm being given a conflicting message from my WS. I havent't been attentive for years. and now that i am, i'm suffocating her.

Key issue here. The reason you are getting mixed signals is because her “excuse” or “reason” isn’t the real one. Therefore when she uses it on you and you react appropriately compared to what she says then it simply doesn’t work because it’s not covering the REAL issue. Her real issue isn’t that you are lacking. Her real issue is that SHE is lacking.

Compare it to a drunk driver going off the road at 100 mph. This driver will probably say the reason for the accident was the rain. Or the tires on the car were worn. Or there was a sneaky curve in the road. Or he swerved to miss a cat… Whatever. He won’t admit the real causes were speed and loss of sensory ability due to alcohol. If this driver got away with it – If we were to believe that the real reason for the accident – was that pesky cat crossing the road then we can’t address the true issues. We would spend efforts fencing the road when we should be making sure the driver didn’t DUI and speed.

So as many have pointed out: Stop laying all the blame on YOU. You could be the worst of all husbands but that would not explain her actions and/or behaviors. It would definitely give her fantastic reasons to divorce or demand change but NEVER to have an affair.

Look – your fear of losing her is controlling you too much. Like I asked before: if you are such a POS then why hasn’t she left? She too has a fear of losing you. The only difference is that frankly you are hanging on to the hope of getting what you had whereas she is hanging onto the hope of maintaining what she has. What you HAD – as in the past. So basically you are hanging onto something that is dead. Sure it DEFINITELY can be brought back to life but right now it’s completely dead and starting to stink. IMHO your only chance is firming up on boundaries and creating the changes that are within your power. Chances are extremely high your wife will resist initially but then follow.

Elad,

Everyone's story on SI is unique to their own in several ways, yet so many BS's stories parallel each other. All we can do on this site is give you the best information we can from a viewpoint of someone that has either (1) gone through a similar situation, (2) are much further along in their situation, or (3) are very close to your timeline. But the one thing we all have in common is that we can look at someone else's situation from the outside looking in, something you cannot do.

What I, and many others can see from this viewpoint is that you love your WW very much and don't want to leave/lose her. The other thing we can see, and sticks out sorely, is that she does not want to change at this time. Her definition of R at this time is for you to treat her well AND for her to continue in her current adventures.

Try to step back, without looking at your faults for a moment, and ask yourself--How f*%king ridiculous is it for me to ASK my wife to stop screwing around with other men? You already know the answer.

If your WW was a decent person, she would have essentially performed a 180 on you. She would have said,"You are ignoring me in our marriage. This is not the way a marriage should be. I want more than anything to be close to you in this marriage again. But until you show change, I must move along the lines of divorce. I must strengthen myself and better myself so I can go on in life with or without you."

That my friend, is a 180 that should have been used by her, on you, to snap you out of your "fog" and re-engage in your marriage. That would have been a proper, moral way.

She chose to do nothing of the sort. She took your vows to each other and threw them away. She took care of herself, in the most deplorable ways, and has sent you into an uncontrollable tailspin. You have to break out of this mindset.

If you read someone else's thread here on SI, and they were being physically and mentally abused, but wouldn't leave the relationship, I'm sure you would be thinking,"what are you doing?!! get out of there!" That is what we are saying to you. Friend, you ARE being mentally abused. Many of us were. But we can see this clearer than you at this point, and we are saying," What are YOU doing? Stop blaming yourself! Don't make ANY excuses for your WW!"

I know this response was too long, but I am just trying to get the point across that you have to take control. If you are fine with her and 2,3,? other men in your life, than that is your choice. But if you don't show some resolve now, and accept the fact that you have to be willing to walk away from this marriage, then your WW is going to get more and more sucked into this fog that she may NEVER come out of. The only chance you(and she) have is for her to truly see and BELIEVE that you will no longer stay like this and are fully ready to leave.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 6:32 AM, September 3rd (Friday)]