SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So....here's how's this all has gone down I am guessing for many of us...WH leaves for OW...he's sees his children W nights and every other weekend...he is well rested, happy...and ready to play super dad for two days...Single mothers...are struggling to make ends meet working often more than one job, are tired, hurt, angry, struggling...and we are asked to suck it up and be superwoman...Don't speak ill of your children's father...keep your chin up for the children...be brave...don't be bitter...you can do this...except I am bitter...I am angry and I am tired. STBXH emailed yesterday and wrote "I am much better now with the kids than I would have been if I stayed..." right cuz babysitting is easier than raising kids... Just needed to vent...it is an awfully unfair situation...I know, I know...as my mother always said "Life isn't fair..."

I will try to have an attitude of gratitude...but somedays?!@$$%^^&$(*&^%$#@

Amen sister!!!

You are so right! Dont talk negatively about WH, dont be resentful, or bitter.

WTH! I am the mother taking care of everything while Disney Dad babysits. Hell yes Im mad!

Mine told me that too "I have so much more patience now" with the kids. Right dumbass because you babysit them then bring them home.

I cannot even imagine what you are going thru. But, your reward is that your children are going to grow up loving and respecting you for all that you are doing. They will see it, will realize that you did it all without complaining or demeaning their father to them. You are setting the best example possible.

Hug yourself everyday; you truly are the better person.

What bigpicture said-- your kids may not realize it now but one day soon, they will let you know that they know who was really there for them.

My best friend's 12 year old recently came up and hugged her and said, "Mum, I know you do everything for us, and our Dad's irresponsible." 12 years old! And he can see who is there for him.

[This message edited by ntgvngup218 at 11:44 PM, September 14th (Tuesday)]

Yup.

I try to keep my mind on my positives (and I have a TON of positives!) but when I haven't had (1) morning to not get up at 630 since Memorial Day... ugh. And don't get me started on trying to make dinner when 2/3 kids just want you to HOLD THEM for the first half hour you are home.

I hear ya. Oh boy, do I hear ya.

All I can say the rewards are when they grow up and are OK.

I was a single Mom for 9 yrs.

Her Dad wasn't there for her most of the time. It was me with all responsibilities but I also got all the rewards.

It gets easier in time. Almost a good normal.

Make sure when super dad has them you do adult down time. It keeps you sane.

Hugs,gma

I couldn't agree with you more. I really get it now 8 months into it. It kills me knowing stbxh is with the kids now at his (rich) brothers house with all his divorced buddies and their kids. Then all the guys will leave kids with brothers maid and head out on the town. He doesn't fix them a meal or do a stitch of laundry.

I hear ya!

Since stbxwh left in June, he has spent about 12 hours with DDs ... yep, you read it right. So, Disney Dad sweeps in (when he can cut loose from psycho OW), takes them for 2 or 3 hours to some arcade/play place and then drops them back off.

After that much time with him, he is exhausted and needs "me" time.

Whatthefuckever!!

Then there's his swoop by the house for 5 minutes on his way to or from work to drop something off/pick something up ... says hi to DDs puts on a 5 minute show of affection (which makes me sick because it's SO fake) and he's gone in a flash. That's a good enough visit for him.

I am so happy that I get to spend 99.8% of the time with DDs. However, it's hard to compete with Disney Dad for the "fun" stuff though. That's all they see in him now.

He never, ever would have offered to take them somewhere when he was living here though.

But it is hard ... to hold it all together ALL of the time.

To add to the plight ... WH is "happily" living his life while we are struggling with the emotional roller coaster from HELL and WE are supposed to hold it all together 100% of the time. We must be very strong people ... let's be proud of that because WE do a great job, WE are SUPERWOMEN !!

I agree 100%. Being a single custodial parent, no matter what your sex, is the toughest job in the world. You have the weight of the world, your world, on your shoulders. Putting on a brave face and keep it all in can be next to impossible.

That's one of the things I really love about SI. I can't vent to my children. My family and my friends are probably all sick and tired of me complaining. But here on SI, I can vent whenever I feel like, and get all the support I could ever ask for.

You ARE asked to be superwoman. And while I'm sure you're doing the very best job you can, you can only do what you can do. Don't be too hard on yourself. Some day, your children will be grown up and you will reap the reward for all of your hard work.

You are so right! Dont talk negatively about WH, dont be resentful, or bitter.

And so what ends up happening is that we bite our tongues - constantly - and just plow forward.

And another thing that really pisses me off is how the WH's always say that the kids will be fine...that shuffling them around isn't a big deal....that since the kids are getting good grades and seem happy, everything is working out fine.

You know what? If I was the one who left to go pursue a new life and find "happiness", I'D be saying all this shit too. I'd be telling everyone that the kids even seem HAPPIER than they did when we were together...that they LIKE having to go to a different home every other weekend. I'd be saying all that to make everyone else believe that leaving my family was actually a GOOD thing. A WH isn't going to admit that the kids lives will be FOREVER affected by what they did.

I really, really hope everyone is right when they say that someday the kids will look back and realize who was the parent that did everything.

[This message edited by thisisterrible at 9:33 PM, September 4th (Saturday)]

Right now my X has taken my youngest two out of state (presumably without my knowledge but I found out) to meet his internet girlfriend. He has also not paid at all for our oldest DS to go to college, yet saw fit to go pick him up his second night there when he was homesick and told him he'd pay for community college in town here. So right now, this DS is a mess.

So, it burns me up right good that he LOVES to talk about what the good daddy he is and how he has to "learn do it all even being their mom" - he actually says this!!!!!- because he has our teens every other week (never mind that the 18 year old refuses to live with him.

In reality, he only screws with them so while he's late with his support,

I,

pick up the pieces,

go to conferences and talk to guidance counselors,

rescue them in the middle of the night from themselves or their friends,

buy clothes and school supplies for them,

plan for and pay for college,

console them when they are down,

help with homework that I sometimes don't even understand,

hand out endless quantities of 5, 10 and sometimes 20 dollar bills I don't really have,

host their friends,

drive all over creation,

and smile, hug and hold my heart at the joy of it all

and he DOES. NONE. OF. IT.

They don't want him to even if he wanted to. They just endure the hours with him til they can come home.

So, an attitude of gratitude? I don't even know what direction to go looking in.

I've been a single mom for 2 1/2 yrs now. Asshole only sees the kids for a few hours, every other weekend. I try to make time for myself when I can.

He doesn't have any of the responsibilities but he also misses out on 99% of the kids lives.

I had a difficult time in the beginning with holding my tongue. I sometimes didn't. The kids will see what's going on. They know who is there for them and who isn't. You really don't have to say anything at all.

As a child of divorce, I can tell you that these absent parents will regret their choices one day.

I am 6 years out and have 3 kids under 11. Please believe me when I tell you it gets easier. Infact, you might realize that it is even better to not have to answer to anyone and to build your family your way.

Yes the kids hurt...still and always but they develop (with your assistance) coping skills for managing their lives and relationships with the useless parent. They DO realize who they can count on and respect. I have read many "My Mom is My Favortie Person" essays in the last 3 years of school (and they never get old! )

Early on I asked my children to write me a love letter in leu of a christmas gift... my intent was to ease their stress that mommy was not getting any gifts from santa (or daddy).little did I know that these letters would become my "pay checks". On the toughest days I re read the letters (which are taped to the back of my bedroom door of "love").

The idea of the love letters have become our greatest tradition, Now love letters find there way into lunch boxes, the overnight bag for dads house, under our pillows at bedtime etc...I purchased a package of heart doilies and ask my kids to write 2 things they appreciated about each sibling in the past week and tape the heart somewhere in the siblings room for them to find.It has reduced our bickering and really bonded us as a unique unit.

I have come to accept that good dads don't walk out on their kids for other women/families. My kids father simply does not want to be a good dad. I am never going to change him and once I understood that I could let go of my resentment and begin to build MY family. The joys outweigh the struggles. I never consider myself a single mom. (I am not a fan of the connotation ) I have always been a solo parent and I have never known any different.

For the record twinges of "getting it" hit the ex every now and then as he lingers longer and longer at drop off or cries on the first day of school (or calls and begs for parenting tips because he has lost control of our kids and her kids). I dont blame him....we are a cool family!! Who wouldn't want to be a part of this??? (but he should know by now , I don't like to share)

Hang in there....it is heavy lifting now but the rewards are incredible!!!! I always tell my kids that "God picked your mom and dad before you were even born " He obviously knew your strength and capabilities...

Early on I asked my children to write me a love letter in leu of a christmas gift... my intent was to ease their stress that mommy was not getting any gifts from santa (or daddy).little did I know that these letters would become my "pay checks". On the toughest days I re read the letters (which are taped to the back of my bedroom door of "love").

I cried reading this! May I borrow your tradition?

Healthyself, I hear what you are saying. This single parenting stuff is not for wimps. During pms especially I get so resentful at him. His one weekend a month WITH a partner and extended family. I do it all with no partner to help, no extended family close by only to get criticized by him on how I'm not doing it to his satisfaction. No life isn't fair. That doesn't stop me from fantasizing about feeling smug when he has to write that CS check every month. The one that probably keeps him up late scared of going to jail, losing his license. How does that feel, FT? Oh not to forget QDRO going through now, another little zinger when a chunk of his retirement goes to me. Since I "didn't work" for 10 years. His def. of didn't work was raising kids.

HAHA courts don't look at that as he does. "didn't work"

Yes healthyself I can't "be nice" all the time. Not proud of this but sometimes I hate hearing "don't speak ill of him in front of kids" yes I know why just hate hearing that, along with "be brave don't be bitter". People mean well but inside I say/not aloud "oh shut the fuck up you have no idea how hard this is"

YES! YES! YES! Thank you for your replies...it's just a big ol hard job...24/7...we need to support eachother...cuz it can be a lonely road...Thank you!!!

and yes...I am often thinking STFU when people say all the cliches about how it's it's own reward...right now, some days it's just plain hard and unfair. CHIN UP!

I really, really hope everyone is right when they say that someday the kids will look back and realize who was the parent that did everything.

It hasn't been long for me and my kids are older but already I hear it from them. Inside every card they give me, every letter they send, they thank me for always being there for them.

One of the best things for me though is that I get the day to day stuff with them - I know their friends, I know their day to day lives, I know the background to their stories about their days, I get the inside, family jokes - in short, I get a relationship with them.

Sure FW shows up and takes them to the movies or out for dinner but it's all superficial stuff and nothing of substance. It really is his loss - they are awesome kids and I will never ever understand how he is able to let someone come between him and his kids.

Yep, it is what it is. Great Vent!

Just remember kids never thank their babysitters when they grow up, or mention them by name when they graduate!

Yes...part of why I am so sad and stuck is I've done this before. I was a single mom for 5 yrs before choosing STBX to move on with. I thought I chose carefully, but I was a chump- used bled dry and tossed aside.

Now I'm having to try to re-enter the work force as a single mom again- 3 kids rather than 2 last time.

And he has her EO weekend/W nights and every other M night. The weeknights he takes her for dinner and returns her b/c she's only 4.5.

I have had to ask permission to have her for family b=day parties and know full well how it will feel to go to Thanksgiving alone, wake up on Christmas Day alone etc.

He never has done that. And never likely will do that.

He has always had someone, and SD at least whenever there was no one else in his life.

He jumped to me as soon as his D was final from BM, then didn't even wait to D me before finding the next Mrs-tho her H might not be too appreciative of it.

I am so exhausted just knowing what I'm facing I can't even tell you how I will do it again.

I hate every single bit of my existence right now. Wish I had a FF button like a remote.

Feel like I'm not quite present enough for BD a lot of days due to the stress and grief.

Sometimes I think it must be nice for the WS's who never have to feel those feelings of loss etc. They just replace people like we're expendable.