SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WW's,

Please be honest about these questions. Do you ever look back on your A fondly? Do you relive what you did and are you secretly glad you experienced it? And last but not least have you disclosed everything?

My WW disclosed her A after 19 yrs of deceit and seems to be very remorseful and is doing everything she should to R but I still have many trust issues. Two of my biggest fears is that she secretly doesn't regret her A and is only saying what she knows I want to hear because she doesn't want to lose the faithful stability that I provide. I also fear that there is more that she hasn't disclosed and that she will never disclose the rest because she sees how what she has disclosed has destroyed me.

[This message edited by played-a-fool at 6:33 AM, September 5th (Sunday)]

To answer your questions:

Do you ever look back on your A fondly?

No

Do you relive what you did and are you secretly glad you experienced it?

Sometimes I relive what I did but it's not in a good way. I would have much rather have experienced the personal growth I've had since the A without having the A as a catalyst.

have you disclosed everything?

Absolutely. And it ticked me off when xOM "confessed" to my H that there was a lot more to it. I knew he was lying and my reaction told my H that he was.

Thank Clarrissa. I hope my WW is in the same boat as you. I just can't shake this feeling that there is more. I neglected my gut feeling for 19 yrs and now they have been proved right. Now my gut is telling me there is more but my head is telling me that there isn't. Very confussing. Thanks again for your response.

I do not look back fondly on the A. I'm am not glad that I experienced the A (pural in my case). I have disclosed everything. My H is still constantly challenging me on whether I have disclosed everything because he has the same fears that you do.

Try to focus on the positive of what your wife is doing now to try to R.

Do you ever look back on your A fondly?

No. And even during the affair 'fond' was not a word I would have used to describe the feelings involved.

Do you relive what you did

Not often, thankfully. I hate that.

and are you secretly glad you experienced it?

No. It was an experience I could and should have done without. That goes for the whole thing, no matter how well I turn out from now on, I'll always detest and regret the experience.

And last but not least have you disclosed everything?

Yes. But not without a struggle including trickle truth.

However, what I did, do and feel has no bearing whatsoever on your wife. Good luck!

~L.

(edited for paragraphs)

[This message edited by leftoolate at 8:32 AM, September 5th (Sunday)]

Played-a-fool, after I posted this I read your response over at General, about the shoe on the other foot. Hope you don't mind me elaborating a bit here, instead of thread jacking over there.

I think that theoretically most if not all of us would cheat under the 'right' conditions. For many of us, the chances of such conditions ever really occurring are vanishingly small. For some of us, those conditions occurring are staggeringly common. Sometimes I think it is a miracle that I didn't go into an affair years earlier. I've known for most of my life that was lazy, arrogant, fearful, and mostly externally motivated. I had my husband's trust when I went about my business, and enough time to myself. All it took was some idiot willing to fall for it. By now, the conditions it would take for me to betray my husband have changed, both those within me and the external circumstances that would compound my weaknesses. I think I'm now less likely to cheat than most. It may be too late, but at least I'm getting there.

So. That's what I meant by the 'right' circumstances.

Now, as I'm discovering myself and looking at things anew, I realize that all of us are fully responsible for and to ourselves. This means my husband doesn't have to be here. Yet he is, and I'm very happy he is. I do hope your wife appreciates you, and knows that secrecy is not what kept you there.

The trust will not magically grow back. The secret has been kept and guarded for too long. If you have enough reasons to stay, stay. If you don't, find them or move on. You will be all right, eventually.

~L.

(edited for clarity)

[This message edited by leftoolate at 12:04 PM, September 5th (Sunday)]

Do you ever look back on your A fondly?

No. When I look back I think of a dysfunctional, sad, confusing time. I shake my head and wonder wtf was I doing?

Do you relive what you did and are you secretly glad you experienced it?

No. I make it a point not to relive it but if a thought comes into my head about it, it just makes me sad and disgusted at myself.

And last but not least have you disclosed everything?

Yes, but I didn't at first. It took me two rounds of TT (16 months) to finally tell everything.

After the second TT, my BH insisted on a poly and wouldn't consider R without it. I took it and passed (something to consider).

My FWH says that he looks back on his A with disgust, regret, and shame. That he was a dumbass and it was the worst mistake of his life. And the sex was gross, guilt-ridden, and not worth one sorry minute of it.

Does he relive it and glad he experienced it? He says it comes to his mind everyday of the devastation and pain he inflicted on himself, me and our marriage. He also says he can't stand to look back because of the shame and guilt, and he has difficulty in facing people. Everyone found out about the A.

Has he disclosed everything? I don't think so. I believe that he has not admitted to how many times they were intimate on the job..at the hospital. He did tell me the truth about the one time they went to a motel..she confirmed that when she ratted him out, when she tried to stab him, so I do believe that.

I don't fish for all the details of their times together at work, it would only make my mindmovies worse, and I don't need that.

I also want to say that I have read WS's posts on SI for a while, and for the ones that are no longer in the fog and realized what true reality is..they regret the A and do not look back with fondness. They all say they are disgusted and ashamed.

I'm only a few months into R. My data point, for whatever it's worth:

I don't look back on it fondly. Everything in the A that, at the time, I treasured, it all looked so tawdry after "the fog" cleared.

As I said, I'm still only a little ways out from D-day, and I do relive what I did, more often than I'd like. I try to shut that down as quickly as possible, as it can throw me into a downward spiral of shame.

I have learned so much about myself as a result of the A, but at a terrible cost. I am determined to make this a transforming experience in my life, but I am not glad I experienced it. There was a much better path I could have taken.

Lastly, I am not deliberately holding back any more secrets. There are details BH has not asked about, or that I genuinely do not remember ("what were you thinking when..." is especially slippery for me.) But I am pretty sure he can tell the difference between that, and deliberate keeping of secrets.

Just a thought..

how could anyone look back with fondness of something that caused total destruction in their life?

And no one wants to have the label of being a cheater...that's why A's are kept secret. It's nothing to feel good about.

Oh how I wish my FWW would post her answer here.....Oh how I wish! But I know she won't.....

There is so much I would like to know and I know it will never happen how she still feels about her OMM and their A after loving him for over 25 years. The last 25 years of our 50 year marriage.

I know deep down inside me she still has fond memories of their A.

My GUT tells me that because of the way she responded when he threw her under the bus on several occasions.

All she was was disappointed, not angry at all when she learned he told his wife my FWW was just a An Easy Piece Of Ass....plus a lot of other things he told his wife the way he felt -- which wasn't LOVE on his part at all.

He only told my FWW he loved her to keep her on the string for years and years. So he says now.....

Here is a response I received when I posted the question similiar to yours..wondering if fwh misses the OW or relives the 'fun' memories...hope this helps.

Forever:

As yourself this, when you wonder about how fondly your husband thinks about his secret life with OW in his private memory: would you rather be you or him?

Seriously.

All of us who aren't repulsive, at one time or another, could throw away our integrity and have the kind of responsibility-free "fun" that often ends up destroying marriages, children and families.

Whatever his private nostalgic memories may be, the definition of defogging, in my book, as that those memories will soon be counterbalanced and eventually swamped by a realization of the price that was paid.

Not only that, but a WS who ever gets his or head out of their ass (and there seem to be a few of them on this very site) will come to a soul-crushing realization eventually that good people who have their shit together in any real way don't screw other married people. It really is that simple.

Your husband almost threw everything away, and he appears to know it, judging from your story.

He would, if he truly becomes the kind of person he is apparently trying to become, and whatever his private "fond" memories may or may not be, trade those in a New York minute to get back your respect and his own self-respect, not to mention the respect of anyone else who was affected by his assholish behavior and his lack of integrity.

Hey, all of us can just go out and cheat with another broken person, and we can fill our memory bank with these kinds of "fond" memories too. Big deal. The price for this fantasy denial-fueled romance may be your own soul.

So not worth it. That's why, in the very long run, at least, I am sure it sucks much worse to be a WS than a BS.

How 'bout them apples?

But, Forever, know that this question occurs to just about every betrayed spouse. If your husband can still possibly enjoy fond memories of his romance and "excitement" with the same OW who revealed her true ugly colors after D-day, without simultaneously thinking about what he almost lost (and may still lose, if the changes he has made do not stick) then I don't know what to say!

Never compete, even in your own mind, with a fantasy

I just can't shake this feeling that there is more. I neglected my gut feeling for 19 yrs and now they have been proved right. Now my gut is telling me there is more but my head is telling me that there isn't.

These are almost the same words my BH told me after I confessed to the A. It took me 5 months after the PA ended to tell my BH. It was with the same OM I had confessed to have feelings for starting 6 years ago. BH forgave me the last two times I told him of my EA, and he really tried very hard and trusted me, but his gut was telling him that there's still something with me and OM, and my confession of the PA confirmed his fears. I trickle truth for 3 months since the first confession of the PA, and it made life total hell for BH because he kept having to restart all over to recover. He was ready to R and I could feel it, but I knew he still didn't know ALL the incidents and the thought of how much he loves me and such a good man living a lie for the rest of his life, and of me living some stolen R that doesn't really belong to me is too much to bear. Six years is alreay far too long to live a lie. I can't let our future, if we have one, be built on false trust. I wrote him a letter with every single incident, including how I felt or what I used to justify my actions, and OM's reactions, to a very detailed degree. It was very difficult writing that letter, because I hate what I did and thinking of the actions made me feel very ashamed of myself, but I feel it's the only way to start changing myself, and the most important first step to give BH some justice - for me to receive the consequence for everything I did.

BH at first reacted by saying he now has less than no trust in me, because one day before the letter I said I told him everything, and divorce is the only option. But after a day of asking a few questions about the content of the letter, and my honest response to everything he asked, he told me earlier today that he finally feels he can have a small amount of trust in what I told him. He hugged me and for the first time since my confession I felt that hug and closeness was completely real and mine to have.

Only your wife's conscience knows if she has told you everything, but you can read her reactions to your questions and her actions for clues. At the end of the day, you have to go with your gut feeling. You can encourage her to tell you the whole truth by letting her know that it's not the telling of the A that hurts you and the marriage, but the actions of the A that does the damage. If there are more details revealed, you may at first feel more devastated, but the most impact would be on your WW to have to suffer the consequence for all of her past tresspasses. It's more difficult to hurt all at once for everything, but it's far better than trying to regain trust that continues to be destroyed when new details surface. Complete truth is the only way for a marriage to move forward after A. I hope your wife understands this and give you the truth you deserve.

Do you ever look back on your A fondly?

Depending on your definition of A, I've had plenty. I don't look back fondly on any of them.

Do you relive what you did and are you secretly glad you experienced it?

I kept one A a secret for 10 years and I felt that if I hadn't had it I wouldn't have made the decision to marry my H. I knew the A was wrong but I thought H would never find out and I was glad I was able to progress our relationship because of it. I guess you could say I was glad I had the A in a weird way. I am looking at things very differently now. I never use the A's as material to 'get off' if that's what you're asking.

And last but not least have you disclosed everything?

This is tricky. My first A was over 10 years ago. I have disclosed every sexual encounter but I simply can't remember all of my feelings, things that were going on at the time, and every conversation etc. I've not kept anything back intentionally.

I haven't read any of your other posts but I did want to tell you, if you didn't already know, that there's a thread here for "Those that found out years later" under the "I can relate" forum.

P-A-F, good luck with ever getting this one. I'm probably way too negative right now, but I won't ever believe she has told me all. She has always had some demented fondness for the OM, and I don't think she regrets anything she has ever one, as long as it works out for her.

Nevermind...wrong forum.

[This message edited by NewAttitude at 12:23 PM, September 6th (Monday)]

Played, If she says she's told you everything. If she's claiming to be 100% honest. If she's remorseful. If she's interested in what you need to heal and is giving it a genuine effort then she probably wouldn't be opposed to a polygraph test to put your mind at ease.

[This message edited by cuckhold at 7:44 PM, September 6th (Monday)]

I just can't shake this feeling that there is more. I neglected my gut feeling for 19 yrs and now they have been proved right. Now my gut is telling me there is more but my head is telling me that there isn't. Very confussing.

I know exactly how you feel. My wife is doing everything right. She is telling me everything I ask for. I told her the other night how I am having these mixed feelings because I want to trust her but at the same time I trusted her before and that trust was misplaced.

I also told her that if there is anything she is holding back to not be scared to tell me. I am afraid that if too much time goes by and she keeps things from me it will just get harder to tell me. I think MY attitude and reassurance helps her to be completely honest with me and to trust me not to leave her.

Play a fool,

this is an excellent question and post.

I give credit to all the WS who have replied and it seems 100% of them don't look 'fondly' on their wandering behavior.

Having said that, their responses are from a scewed population. As for my WW, all I can do is suspect she does look 'fondly' on her admitted 2 yr A. I have been given minimal details and frankly tired of asking and will ask no more. My WW would die before ever posting on this site. I encouraged her to visit and read in past (mostly hopin she gain some insight as to the degree of hurt inflicted on BS).

My point is that I applaud those WS who have taken the painful journey to gain insight into the damage their behavior caused. Problem is, the WS who truely deep down enjoys re- living the memories, probably don't visit this site, or, would be very reluctant to admit it. I share your fears Play A Fool. I think that there are some things we will never know and just have to decide if we can R knowing that fact, or just go in another direction.

S09