SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, I've been a member here for a while and through the ups and downs of reconciliation. I have a general question for those of you out there in reconciliation-land: how do you feel about porn? Specifically, your WS using/viewing porn without your knowledge. I am highly offended by it, especially since it sort of went hand in hand with his cheating profile, and cannot believe I just caught him using this stuff again. What do you guys think?

There is a thread in General thY was started last week.

I just bumped it up for you.

I hope it helps.

It's one of my non-negotiables. Because it went hand in hand with his drinking and the A, and I find it offensive, it's off limits.

Not yet sure how I feel about it. MY FWH and I have used it together and it's kind of lost its appeal for him and me (this is good - like a desensitisation) but IC did say if you use it, use videos/dvds not the internet stuff which is full of invitations to connect.

This is also a non-negotiable to me considering he used it a lot without my knowledge over the years and classified his affair as porn. I just found that his friend has been sending him porn. He deleted it from his email. But i still dont trust him obviously. Thats a long way off. But if I did find out he was onto porn again that would be the end of the line for me.

Sadly, i've just come on here to post something similar to you, crazyforever.

FWH and I have been in R for over a year, following a looooonng time of TT.

Things had been going really well.

Prior to finding out about the A, I'd found history on FWH's computer that indicated he's been looking at soft porn sites; fairly 'mild' stuff, but it seemd out of character for FWh. FWH said it was just a moment or two of madness, he wished he'd never looked, i said well, i wish you'd not left it on the history of our sgared computer wher our young sons could have clicked on and found it...my issue was the carelessness and secrecy, at the time. He agreed not to look again, said he didn't want to , and it became part of our deal when we went into R.

I work with women who want to exit prostitution, and because I see the darker side of the sex industry, and how it literally uses people up, I really struggle with porn and the 'idealised' image it creates of sexuality; and the pressure it puts women and girls under to do and behave the way actors do on screen. To me, it takes a lot of the realness, and playfulness, and choice, away and replaces it with something fake.

OK, this might be TMI.

Last night, during sex, my husband made a comment and used a phrase which he could most likely only have heard from watching porn; and not the soft porn stuff he's viewed a while back! (I know what it means because one of the women in work talked to me about being asked to do this by a client, by the way!)

I didn't want to over react, so just said ' oh, how does a good boy like you know about stuff lime that?' In the heat of the moment, he admitted to seeing it on 'some dumb website'. He's been looking at porn again, or has looked at more in the past than he told me about.

I didn't want to cause a scene at the time, but now I don't know what to do. It seems like there is a load of stuff he still isn't telling me; and my gut says that it's not right, that it's a further betrayal of trust.

It also affects our sex life; we've always had fun just kind of 'playing', now I feel like I'm just playing a part in some script in his head....

I just don't know how to talk to him about all this, without making him feel guilty and clamming up. Bleughh......

Porn is out of the picture in our case.I did so much research on the subject of how porn affects men. It desensitizes them to sex and was an active part in leading my husband to act out the porn fantasy to strip clubs and unsavory people. He grew to have a very warped perspective on sex and women due to intense porn use over many years.I think research of sex addiction sites, and sites like Marriage Missions can be helpful . One also needs to take a look at the sites that are viewed. Today online free porn involves 1000's of options on one site including themes like rape, incest, anal, younger and younger women. There are constant pop ups to solicit the viewer to chat about what is being viewed or meet up with a local girl.And there is tracking so they know in what community the viewer lives.There are many sites where people post secretly made porn videos of sexual partners made without their knowledge.

Getting a husband to give up porn can be difficult if they had an intense involvement with it as they will lie and sneak.It helps to know that many men in general will push the envelope for what they want, there is a drive to control and manipulate the situation.So, setting boundaries is an important part of rebuilding a marriage. Oftentimes a husband may react negatively to setting boundaries so the spouse must be firm and enforce them. Complete and total transparency can help . In our case it was the porn that led to the cheating so I made it clear that porn use would be a marriage breaker.He did continue to sneak it behind my back, thinkiing he knew me so well. When I became tech savvy and found out I was calm.We put keyloggers in all his computers and the line was drawn, any more porn use and the marriage is over. He WAS able to stop the porn use!In the beginning it involved mental toughness but he was able to replace it with other online hobbies like sports, politics, current events and business.ALSO, we remade out sex life together. Porn use stifles sexual intimacy so we had to rebuild this together. I check his computer use asiduiously and don't mind at all as IMO I am protecting myself.He has been completely porn free over a year.Our life together is so much better now!Our sex life is wonderful and I am very happy!A marriage is a partnership and if something is upsetting one patner to an extreme degree there has to be a solution. Thank goodness we were able to solve my husband's porn problem!

[This message edited by moreroses at 6:47 AM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

It's one of my non-negotiables. Because it went hand in hand with his ... A, and I find it offensive

ditto

BH's opinion here--I watched porn secretly for years. I didn't know how she felt about it, but I just hid it from her. She caught me and said she felt like I'd had an affair. From my "guys" point of view, I didn't get it. There was no other woman, no emotions, no STD risk, etc. Plus, most every other guy I know did it too. Anyway, that doesn't matter. Porn is something that needs to be discussed between the couple and decided how it will be treated. In contrast, my sister jokes about how my brother in law watches porn and she has to knock before entering her bedroom. Different people just see this different ways and you need to talk about it.

It's one of my non-negotiables. Because it went hand in hand with his ... A, and I find it offensive

I third this statement.

Porn is a complete deal breaker for me.

Hi there.

This post hits home for me because I have been on both sides of the equation. I watched porn for years, thinking it was OK, and now, I don't, and I understand how harmful it is.

BTW, I am writing as a WS here, and I can tell you I have first hand experience with the devastating effects of porn. I completely agree that you should not allow your WS to watch porn...period. There are many reasons for that, and I hope I can share some thoughts with you that might help you make a decision.

I have had a long, sad history with porn. I was exposed to it at a very young age, and it became a part of my daily life for a very long time. Then, I met the love of my life, had four beautiful children with her, but was unable to shelve that nasty habit, and, I am convinced it played an intricate part in leading me down the path of the A...

It has been over a year since I have logged on to a porn site, and I am thrilled about that. I have learned so much about love, and intimacy since then. I am so sad, and quite sick, of society's acceptance of porn, and how guys feel it's just ok to watch porn, I mean, it's just a thing guys do, right? Bullshit!

Porn is wrong on so many levels, it's unreal. The first thing I discovered after my FBS found out about the A, was that, by watching porn, I was isolating sex as a stand alone thing. No matter how much you try to do that, it inevitably fails, because sex is not a stand alone thing. A sexual relationship is only a part of what defines that relationship. It's just a part of the whole that love should be between two people. In my case, I had an intimacy issue. I didn't know how to be intimate. I was rejected so many times by girls in my teenage years, that I turned to porn. Those girls NEVER said no! So, in my case, it became a safe place to turn to...I know, that is totally screwy!!

After my A was brought out in the open, I turned the mirror on myself and started to evaluate what had led me to cheat on the love of my life and turn my back on her and my children. I wanted to know why I acted in such a horrible way, and, after some discussions with both my FBS and my IC, and with a lot of self reflection, it became clear that porn was a huge issue I had to tackle. There was only one way to go: I had to stop watching porn. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

I firmly believe that cheating starts in the mind. When I was watching porn, and pleasuring myself, where did that really place my wife on the love/relationship scale? Did she matter at that particular time? The answer is no. I was being completely selfish, and living in that separate, alternate world I had created, one in which she was not allowed to come into. How can that sort of thing be healthy for a loving relationship?

I think that if your WS pretends to be in R with you, and he secretly is watching porn, all sorts of bells should be going off in your head, and by you posting here, I think that they are. I cannot think of a single good, or acceptable reason why it should be acceptable for your WS to watch porn. By doing so, he is not only stealing time away from you, but he is stealing intimacy away. What he ought to be doing is take that time, those thoughts, all that energy, and direct it to you. That's what R is about, at least it is for me. You know what, I have done that, and my sex life is so unreal now, no porn star would even come close to making me feel like I do when my FBS and I make love.

OK, I was a bit wordy...sorry! I just feel very strongly about this because it has affected me so much, and still does. The temptations are still there, and good god, soft porn has infiltrated every aspect of the media these days. But I refuse to be a slave to porn again. Not only do I have much to lose if I do, I am simply not interested because I now now how empty porn is.

Not to mention, and I feel bad to mention this last, but it is an industry that takes advantage of women...well, not only women now, but men too, small girls, boys...it's very sad. I remember watching some videos, and some girl would speak with a russian type accent, and now, I wonder if that girl was truly there by choice, or was she kidnapped, drugged, and then forced to perform. It happens. Just watch the movie Taken, or better yet, Trade, with Kevin Cline. The sad thing for me was that I watched those movies before my A, was appalled by what I saw, and yet, still logged on. There's a lot behind all that, but in the end, it's because I was being incredibly selfish.

In closing, I will say that you should be offended by it, and there is no way in hell you should put up with it. Your WS cannot truly focus on your R while his mind lives in fantasy land... At least, that's how I feel about my R.

I hope that helped.

(((crazyforever)))

Hidden activities are not cool, porn viewing included. If a person feels compelled to hide something from their SO, then they *know* it is wrong.

That is really all the argument you need, and getting into philosophical discussions about porn only serves as a distraction.

It's a deal breaker here too. I've made this abundantly clear to FWH from the jump. His reaction was, "well, what am I supposed to look at when I j/o?"

After I peeled myself off the ceiling I pointed out that A: the world does not revolve around his pee pee and B: the world does not revolve around..his..effin' pee pee!

ETA: oh typos, you never let me down!

[This message edited by USMC-Wife at 9:55 PM, September 7th (Tuesday)]

Porn is something that needs to be discussed between the couple and decided how it will be treated.

This is the crux of it. It's a non-issue for some people, it's a huge deal for others. In a relationship it's like any other vice, both parties have to be comfortable with the level of exposure.

I firmly believe that cheating starts in the mind. When I was watching porn, and pleasuring myself, where did that really place my wife on the love/relationship scale? Did she matter at that particular time? The answer is no. I was being completely selfish, and living in that separate, alternate world I had created, one in which she was not allowed to come into. How can that sort of thing be healthy for a loving relationship?

This quote from FrenchGuy1969 sums up how I feel about WH's secret porn life. WH didn't use it as an addition to a healthy sex life, it REPLACED our sex life, which created the lack of intimacy leading to his A. He finally admitted after repeated denials that he was addicted to it, and last year asked me to password his computer so he could use it only when I was in the house. I believe this helped him to break the habit and restore our intimacy. Now I have parental controls on his computer account to block porn and report on sites visited. It helps me stop checking all the time, knowing that there will be no way to hide his tracks if he relapses.

Thanks everyone for all of the responses. We had a huge fight/blow up on my part in response to this. In the end, we ended up discussing the root of why I was so upset: that he knew porn was a deal breaker for me and did it anyway - no consideration for me or thoughts about how I feel. yet again I was not a consideration or a flicker in his thoughts - he was only thinking of himself. He was very angry with himself and has a whole new can of worms to discuss with his therapist this week. I feel a lot better about things, and now know even more that I simply cannot tolerate porn.

WS/BS here. I think porn is only a problem if a) your partner doesn't approve and b) it is something that you hide from your partner. That's a recipe for disaster.

We both watch porn occasionally, both together and apart, but we are OK with that and would never hide it from each other.

No win argument. Men watch porn. Women do not accept typically that “their man” watches porn, yet most can accept other men do. There will always be a difference of opinion. This is one of those things that is not accepted in our society, but nearly every man does just like masturbation. Pornography has been around since man figured out how to draw... I bet their wives were pissed too.

I’d bet those studies that say it leads to bad things are like the violent video game studies... guess what, I’d bet if you had a sex issue like SA, you’d be drawn to porn just like violent offenders are drawn to violent video games. The games didn’t cause the issue, but they are a symptom.

With that said, when you are trying to rebuild a marriage, looking at porn is in no way, shape or form going to help the situation, particularly if it’s a trigger or a sign of some deeper issue. Stand your ground and refuse to accept any further emotional pain from entering into the marriage; you have enough on the plate already.