SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out about the A a few weeks ago. The pain is still very new for me and changes each day. Background: In January my H casually commented that he met an interesting person in customer development. She worked for a different company. They met at a conference. My H travels one to two days per week. Sometimes overnight, sometimes not. They went to dinner, I didn't think too much about it. No big deal. Well last spring he casually mentions that the person was kind of bugging him with lots of emails. I told him to just ignore her. He called her "wacko". In April I was using my husbands lap top and came across 4 naked/semi-naked pics of a lady. The head was left out of the photos. I went ballistic and confronted my husband. He said the wacko sent them to him and I said why? He stated I don't know. He added that she did it to show she was interested in him. I flat out asked if he was having an affair. He stated NO WAY and assured me he would erase them. I was really upset he would keep them in the first place. He obviously made a folder and placed them in it. (funny side note:) I found them because I was selling a piano on craigs list. I had an interested party that wanted pics. I replied and attached the 4 pics that were in "new folder" i had just made. Unfortunately, that was also the name of the nudie folder and you guessed it, the 4 nudies were sent instead of the piano pics. I discovered the error right away and had to call this poor person and seriously apologize. She was cool about it but I was SO embarassed!!!!!! Worst part was when she and her husband came to get the piano, they kept looking at me, I'm sure they thought the pics were of me even though I told the wife they were not me. I was a fool and believed my husband. Fast forward to July and my husband says out of the blue "I don't know what to do about that person" I said get rid of her, just ignore her. He says "I can't" "Im in love with her" My world was shattered at that moment. Little by little he told me the truth. They had been sleeping together since January, had fallen in love and he wasn't sure he wanted to stay with me or be with her. I am still in shock. How could I be so stupid and blind? I did notice he was texting A LOT, but he said it was work. Come to find out, they texted through out the day and slept together everytime he was in her city! I feel so betrayed! 27 years we have been married. All the red flags were there--he caring about his appearance more including having me shave his back hair. He bought lots of new underware and t shirts (he was embarrased by his old stuff). The texting, the pics!!! That is the worst part, seeing those pics forever seared her into my mind/imagination I have such vivid visuals that are driving me crazy. Oh, and to top it all off, she is 12 years younger. It hurts so bad!!! I can't stop crying!

Dear CW,

I am so sorry for your pain. In my opinion, the fact that she sent those pics shows how low class she is, someone willing to cheat with a married man. That is a person with really probably no morals whatsoever.

It sounds like your husband is in the fog, he is not thinking clearly. He may come out of it on his own, he may need to be jolted out of it, or he may never come out of it.

If you start by reading in the healing library, you will find a wealth of helpful information there. And first and foremost take care of yourself. This is such a huge trauma, you need to be kind to yourself.

You will survive this, and things will get better, I promise. Take care of yourself, and keep reading and posting. We care.

welcome to si caliwife

the mind movies are brutal! everyone deals with them in their own way. putting a rubberband on your wrist and flipping it when it happens to snap you out of it.

picturing a big red stop sign in you mind.

occupying yourself with other activities.

exercise.

pampering yourself.

I would count things. yep. at one time I could tell you how many spindles were on the stair case and how many petals on a flower in a painting in our living room.

I promise it gets better. going through this is hell, but we'll be here to help.

Consider EMDR it's helped MANY!

Hugs. The mind movies are brutal. I'm finding that by my staying busy doing things I've been putting off, I'm keeping my mind busy and the movies are decreasing in frequency. Many hugs to you during this very difficult time.

First and most importantly, you are not stupid or blind.

You did the rational thing that loving spouses do: you trusted.

The mind movies, as unfound said, are brutal. I'll be honest with you. You are going to have them for quite awhile. They may consume you for a bit, but you can control them. unfound gave you some great suggestions.

When the images would start for me, I would watch stupid sit-com reruns (only the safe ones I knew wouldn't make it worse).

These days, I cook. If I can absorb myself in a recipe, I can forget and not see the images of the pics I found.

Just so you know you are not alone, I believed what my H told me about the pics I found of OW#1 (drunk friends daring each other). It took me several more months before I found the real, undeniable evidence of the A.

(((((caliwife)))) Right now focus on taking care of yourself.

Welcome CW sorry that you are here on SI.

We are all here to help and support you.

Like most of us those mind pictures can be brutal.

The best way that I found to help get them out of my mind was to stay busy and try not to focus on them. Then when they did appear I would try and step back and make a rerun of the picture, but with a different slant. The one that is bothering me the most. I would actually recall the image then change the scenario by making the people in it into different shapes,and forms even changing the color, distorting the background of the image. Let your imagination go and do what you will. It is an image and you can change the way that you see it. You can have control over your mind if you take control of it. These are images that are under your influence. it is difficult painful and frustrating to start with. You will cope. it is only an image. Eventually they will just be a shadow. I have done it and it does get easier.

I was given a suggestion that I used to lessen the impact of the mind movies.

Turn the image into black and white. Turn the image into a grainy image then break the image up dissolving it.

I have them no longer and now have trouble picturing the s...s face.

Keep on this board and read as much as you can. Most advice on here is tried and true and very practical.