SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is nothing new...

It was always like this....and I just didn't notice...

He has no natural curiosity about so many things....rarely asks me questions....

He is intelligent and can do almost anything…..but he’s never been that interested in my life….my world…I normally volunteer the information…and…he listens…but doesn’t ask many questions….he knows about me, but it’s things I’ve told him….

It was always like this....

I thought we knew enough about each other after 30 years together to KNOW each other.....I believed in my heart he would/could NEVER betray me...

I was wrong.

I can depend on him to do anything....so I know that says a great deal...

But he would rather chew off a limb than say, "Let's talk!"

He would rather sit and watch mindless TV than say, "What are you thinking?"

When he asks, he doesn't really want to know...rather it is just a perfunctory statement not meant to elicit any real response from me…hoping I have nothing to say….

All of this making me vulnerable to someone who is a deep thinker and talker….I adore long, rambling conversations about anything…everything….FWH zones out….I’ve seen him almost go to sleep…he unplugs…has no interest in such things.

It was always like this…but I still felt connected….we had something real in our love and marriage, now that is gone and I don’t know how to get it back…..

It is not OK anymore….and I have told him this…but nothing really changes…Oh…he’ll engage for a while, but then…..right back to dead silence….no comment…nothing to say….I’ve seen his father sit silent for hours…never speaking to his mother…not a word…not a peep….so he has learned this from his family.

And so it goes….

I either learn to live with it or….find someone who loves to talk….the one dear friend I had that filled that gap died suddenly last year….he had known my first husband and my history and we could talk about anything….anything! Now, he is gone….Yes….it was unusual to have such a friend…he was dating and in love with another woman and she knew about our conversations and was fine about it…there was nothing between us but words….but it helped me…

Now, I am back to silence…how many times can you discuss this with friends? They get weary (I can’t blame them)…how many people know your history and can help guide you….not many…

He should worry about the first attractive man who says to me….”Let’s talk.”

Replace "He" with "She" in your thread title and we are exactly in the same position. We're even the same age. My WW will talk about anything except the marriage. Bring that up and it will be a chilly night or weekend. Being here on SI has helped but it still doesn't replace those intimate conversations one should only have with their wife/husband.

We haven't been together 30 years but I could have written your post.

Until infidelity we really never had any problem bad enough for me to notice the silence. We can talk about anything (finances, kids, other people, business, politics) except our problems or negative feelings. It is a lonely feeling.

My H is not a talker and I'm a talker of the 1st order. (I'm sure you already know that if you've read any of my posts! ) We have been together 30 yrs. next Monday (since we were 14 & 15 yrs old)(married 24 yrs as of this past Aug. 23)

Anyway, when separated, he saw an OW and I saw an OM. The OM was a talker like me. We thought alot alike. We cracked each other up all the time. We could talk about anything. I have to say, since H & I R'd about 14 mos. ago, he does talk more than he used to, but I have to admit I do miss the witty banter the OM and I had together.

But, that being said, I love everything else about my H, so his quiet nature is just something I have to accept and nuture as best I can.

We may need to look into bigamy statutes...I believe we may be married to the same person!

I think I am also married to your H.

I thought I was the only one...now I see there are many others.

We can talk about anything (finances, kids, other people, business, politics) except our problems or negative feelings. It is a lonely feeling.

I understand the sentiment in these posts...my marriage has been the same way. Makes me wonder why I put up with it for so long!

I have the same thing. We could talk about everything, BUT US. If ever I brought up that something he did hurt me, OMG!!

He could twist and turn it until I was the one apologizing!

I bought into it because WH was so logical, intelligent and insightful on all other subjects, so I naturally believed him when he spoke about how bad I was to bring up the subject of "us".

Yes, it is lonely.

((((Lost&Hurt)))) I totally, totally understand. It is very painful.

My husband, too, would rather do anything than make himself vulnerable to me in any way---sexually or otherwise. It hurts a lot, doesn't it?

We've been together for over 30 years, too. I asked him yesterday who, on this entire planet, really knows him. He thought for a minute, and said, "I thought you did, but I guess not" (rather petulantly). I reminded him that he'd hidden himself from me for the entire time---that I don't know him at all.

He then said he was close to a work colleague. Intimately, I asked? No, no---the guy really doesn't know him either.

The kids know him, but not intimately (emotionally).

No.One.Knows.The.Man. But mainly because he's so scared of being himself--he'd have to face things about himself that really, really hurt.

((((Lost&Hurt)))) I totally, totally understand. It is very painful.

My husband, too, would rather do anything than make himself vulnerable to me in any way---sexually or otherwise. It hurts a lot, doesn't it?

We've been together for over 30 years, too. I asked him yesterday who, on this entire planet, really knows him. He thought for a minute, and said, "I thought you did, but I guess not" (rather petulantly). I reminded him that he'd hidden himself from me for the entire time---that I don't know him at all.

He then said he was close to a work colleague. Intimately, I asked? No, no---the guy really doesn't know him either.

The kids know him, but not intimately (emotionally).

No.One.Knows.The.Man. But mainly because he's so scared of being himself--he'd have to face things about himself that really, really hurt.

Some things need to be discussed. I have this struggle too. Anything real ... it will get ugly.

You know what though. I will not accept this. I would rather fight everyday than accept quiet as a status quo.

No real talks after the affair ... start looking for another d-day IMHO.

I wont do that dance again. The anger she does does not stop me.

I would not be suprised of those with spouses that do not talk they have a tactic they use on you taht works. Crying anger withdrawl. How about you do not allow it to work anymore and push for what you need?

It is hard because the tactics have worked so long.

I wish you luck.

Since alcohol is a type of truth serum--get them drunk?(See Mel Gibson)

The WW doesn't drink so that's out for my situation. I've noticed that when she flies into a rage though, things are spoken that she usually keeps hidden. Recently in a burst of fury she told me she hated me and called me an a$$hole. Would that qualify as TT?

I noticed the silence for years before WH's EA, which makes his EA that much worse to me. He could sit on the phone and talk for hours with MOW, but can't talk with/to me. Said he needed someone to talk to, that was his reason for the EA, but he hadn't talked to me in years. I had brought it up over the years and nothing changed. I need someone to talk about the "bigger" things in life, he obviously needed to talk to her. The silence is deafening some times. I see other couples talking at dinner, and we just sit there not saying much of anything to each. OMG and if I bring up the A, those talks never turn out good for either of us. I want answers, he says he can't remember or doesn't know. I am intelligent, so is he, he gets to use his brain at workwith adults, I get to use mine helping the kids with their homework .

I want answers, he says he can't remember or doesn't know.

I get the same b.s. Yet things that make me look bad are recalled in a crystal clear fashion. It's called selective memory.

Her: "Remember when you said such and such in the spring of 1982?"

Me: "No, but I certainly would have remembered jumping in the sack with someone other than my wife, no matter how long ago. It would be indelibly etched into my mind."

Her: "Well I just can't remember a thing, honest."

He has no natural curiosity about so many things....rarely asks me questions....

About the world in general, or about feelings, or about your feelings in particular?

I can relate a bit. In our relationship, I am the quiet/shy one...he is always pretty outgoing with most people. Except with me. I have told him time and time again, I *need* more than just talks about the weather, tv,movies. I want so much to have deep conversations with him but he's never been interested. One of the most hurtful things about all his extracurricular activities is the talking/emailing/texting that goes on. He is fully capable of doing it...just doesn't want to do it with me. I'm not enough.

BetsyBG, there is truth in this:

No.One.Knows.The.Man. But mainly because he's so scared of being himself--he'd have to face things about himself that really, really hurt.

I'm sure he does not realize this, but that is what I see.

Yes, he knows how to stop the conversation cold....he becomes defiant and angry....

Not always...but if is something he does not want to talk about (the A).....we will go in circles until I give up....Oh, I have pressed it, but it was those times we ended up in a brawl on the front lawn or in the kitchen...not pretty....

I know it is wrong to respond this way, but, unfortunately, he pushes every last button and I end up wanting to throttle him....

After a while, you just realize it isn't worth it...

He has no natural curiosity about so many things....rarely asks me questions.... About the world in general, or about feelings, or about your feelings in particular?

Mostly, my feelings...oh, he will ask or express something akin to sympathy, but....I can tell he really doesn't relate....he simply did not learn how...and does not know how...and further...doesn't really want to be bothered....you know if it involves emotional insight...or emotional anything, he's not going to buy it....

I credit this to a bullying mother...he learned to hide his feelings and not show emotion....now that he is an adult...he uses the same method on me...it is easier...if you don't feel anything, you can keep the pain away....

I'm curious about many things...and fascinated by many subjects....not that I study them, but I enjoy reading or watching about so many things....he loses interest quickly...says it confuses him...and that I think too much...which is puzzling because he truly is smart...he just has a limited number of things he "thinks" about and that's it....

He's broken down a few times...walked through the fire with me...but it is always just too much for him and he pulls back...he doesn't understand the concept of going through the fire to the other side...doesn't want to learn, doesn't want to know...

As far as getting him drunk to loosen him up...yea, that works sometimes...but I always get drunker faster....and honestly, I was married to one alcoholic for 10 years and I don't want to encourage another..he already sips a bit too much wine nightly....Me, I just get sick and upchuck....

Honestly, it is what it is...I will no longer try to fight it....

The only way to get beyond it is leave....and...I'm just not ready....and may never be...

I'm just profoundly and deeply sad about and disappointed in the person I've come to know...

[This message edited by Lost&Hurt at 2:21 PM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

Until infidelity we really never had any problem bad enough for me to notice the silence. We can talk about anything (finances, kids, other people, business, politics) except our problems or negative feelings. It is a lonely feeling.

Oh, how I can relate... My H and I can talk about anything, BUT he really would rather 'cut off his arm' than talk about the past. Every time I brought up the A's, the talks always turned UGLY. The uglier the talks got, the worse I got... I knew we had to talk and talk and talk about the A's, or we were never going to make it. I needed answers, I needed feelings from him and he would just say "I can't remember" to keep from talking about feelings, he would say, "I can't remember having feelings", OR he would just say "I don't know", than I would get that deadly 'silence'... this went on for over 3 years. He would never go there with any kind of 'thoughts' or feelings to put into words about his affairs...

My H is a lot like (((Mr. Kite))) WW... My H remembers insignificant crap that I can't remember, but he can't remember seeing me anywhere during the time of his A's and for years after. For God's sake, he doesn't remember that I was pregnant. I mean 'see me' at all in his life other than just being there... At the time, I had several meltdowns, we had several conversational 'yelling sessions' about his late nights, I was miserable. First D-day, I was a mess asking and begging for answers from him before I just STOPPED... he says he doesn't remember any of that... Yes, he remembers his women, but he can't remember me, his wife... I call that selective memory... and that's his choice.

We've been together for over 40 years and all through those years he hid himself from me the entire time---I didn't know him at all. I will say, recently, he is putting more effort into showing 'feelings' about what he did... trying to talk more (he's good at talking about 'feelings' NOW in the present), but he's still evasive, avoids when it comes to talking about what he did... He goes out of his way to not bring up anything relating to the past.

I have accepted 'his effort' as best I can and leave it at that.

[This message edited by Bobbie at 7:18 AM, September 9th (Thursday)]