SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted this in NB also. Sorry for the duplicate post, but I feel I need multiple perspectives. If you post on either this post or the NB post, I will read it so no need to post again. Thanks.

X contacted DD. He last contacted her in early July via email. Told her to wish me a "happy birthday" I did not see her replay, if there was one. I snoop but not always quickly enough before she erases her messages. Before that was an email response to a vmail that she left him on Father's day. And before that was Memorial day after he told me that this "was not a good time" for him to be a father. I picked her up from what was supposed to be a month-long visitation that day. She has been with him 5 days. *I* have had NC with him since that day.

So I checked her email today. Apparently she has not checked it recently. he sent this message last week, on Sept 1:

Sorry that I have not written to you...my life is in a shambles! I am trying to recover from everything. Anyway, when will you be available for me to see you this month? Hope your school started well, I really do miss you!

Bye,

Daddy

I thought he was out of the country. Perhaps he is back. he has NOT contacted me. I am very tempted to delete the message because it seems inappropriate -- his life is in shambles??

This child has had to deal with his total abandonment. I don't want her exposed to any more crap from him.

I am very tempted to break my NC with him and tell him his message was not appropriate.

Please advise!!

NOTE: If I delete his email to DD I WILL send him an email from me stating that he can see her. Just that the message was inappropriate so I deleted it.

How old is DD?

Don't you think you are overstepping boundaries by spying on your DD's messages?

Concentrate on bringing up DD the way you would want her to be and then pray and hope that she will mature well and exercise good judgement as you have taught her. Sorry but sounds like after you have been unable to control your spouse, you have now extended it to daughter. You will be much better when you concentrate on being there for your DD than trying to fix her relationship with her father. My point of view is based on the fact that I would be mad to learn that my mom is spying on my messages for whatever reason.

Wishing you peace

[This message edited by LuvingMe at 2:56 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

Luving, thanks.

DD is 13. She knows I look at her FB. That was a given when she got FB. She likely knows I look at her email and texts. We have never specifically discussed it, but I have never hidden the fact that I do that.

She knows that I watch out for her and I care for her. I have previously discussed with her "freaks" who may try to contact her on FB or the internet. I have asked about specific FB friends before.

I try to walk the fine line between trust and watchfulness.

I hear what you are saying about concentrating on bringing her up to be a respected and respectful young woman. I mostly do that and mostly concentrate on that. My "snooping" at his point in her life (at 13) is part of protecting her from the child molesters online.

I stumbled across this message from X. If it has just said "I want to see you, let me know when you are available." I would not have thought twice about it. She has her own relationship with X. She mostly schedules her own time with him, and she knows that if she asks then I will be the "bad guy" and tell him that she is not available.

What I am concerned about is his statement that his life is "in shambles". Is that really appropriate? Should he be saying that to her? And if not, should I intervene so she does not see it? If I do, I will still set up a visitation between them.

I have been up all night fretting about this.

Can you try to guess what he means by his life being in shambles based on the fact that atleast you know him. does he mean you created the shamble by D/S or that he messed himself up or he is blaming fate or what...is he like wanting pity from DD or playing victim...if this is what he is doing then he is sick but i would not advise that you delete it. Continue setting a good example for your daughter, training her up well and if it does come up discuss it with her and your feelings but leave the judgement to her. 13 is a very crucial point in once life. I think she might be able to spot that he is looking for excuses to justify why he has not been keeping in touch with her as frequent as should be

I have read your profile and wow, what a story!!

So that is the 'shambles' he means!! I am incined to the thought that he is in the path to regret and is ashamed of himself but too proud to admit and choses a general approach towards DD.

Do what you think is appropriate, if you dealt with this then I trust you to deal with this one too.

My kids know that if they are going to have a FB page, then I have total, 100% priviledges to it.

If they is putting it out there on the internet, I need to know what stuff they is saying.

Just yesterday, I asked him "Is that XXX dancing on a pole?" 16 year old girl. Yea, they can be stupid.

That said, it has been a great source for sparking conversation between us about what is going on with people he knows.

You can use this as a way to start a conversation about what her dad said.

I have been finding out recently that my kids have been keeping things from me they saw Rat Bastard do and say, now and in the past, to not hurt my feelings. They don't want to see me hurt anymore.

Your DD might be doing the same thing.

I told my kids they can tell me anything, and if it is bothering them or tey are confused, to please talk to me. We are going through this together.

It is a delicate balance being a parent of teens, because we are trying to build trust with kids whos other parent has blown trust out the window.

But bottom line, we are still the parent. And that is what they need, someone to take the lead when they are not equipped to.

He is playing the victim and that pisses me off. Rat Bastard does the same thing and the kids don't buy it. He even told them "You have no idea what is was like living with your mother!"

Yeah, that went over well.

If it were me, I would talk to her first, then shoot an email off to the idiot. He needs to know you are aware of his game-playing and that it is not in the best interest of your DD.

He doesn't get to choose when it is a good time to be a dad. That will play on her self-esteem more than anything. I might not be the popular voice, but I would nip this in the bud now. Smackdown.

It is still all about him.

Idiot.

[This message edited by notgonnabreak at 6:27 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]