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I thought WS and I had a good marriage. I thought we were happy. Turns out I was wrong. Looking back he was anxious/avoidant and mostly in 'child', which left me with most of the responsibility for most things and me in

'parent' mode. Both of us have ended up resenting these roles.

Anyway, we're supposed to be 'trying again'. BUT my life has been so demolished that I don't know what a 'good marriage' is anymore.

He has changed many of his destructive behaviours. He has finally

stood up to his parents and largely puts me and the kids first. He is getting counselling for the anxious avoidant. And somewhat 'gets it'.

I don't know, maybe I'm expecting too much too soon? His anxious avoidant has nearly cost him his job (he's off sick and supposed to email his boss weekly, and send in his sick notes weekly. He didn't do this and was on a disciplinary for breach of contract. I sorted it all out with his boss. And am now point of contact for his boss. So I'm STILL wiping up his mess, and he's still running away :s).

He's only today (six months after dday3) gone to the STD clinic because I insisted. Again, anxious avoidant.

So very very tired of always being the parent. I want an equal partner. He obviously is suffering with anxiety and depression and also PTSD. Am I asking too much. Is this as good as it gets? So very very tired and confused. Be grateful for your thoughts.

[This message edited by PDOFF! at 5:07 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

Any thoughts?

I just want you to know that I hear you and can sooo relate. I have always been the responsible one and he has always avoided his responsibilities, which end up on my shoulders.

I'm not sure how to deal with these types. I've tried place the responsibility back where it belongs and it usually comes back to bite me in the ass as " not being supportive of him in his efforts to build "our" future".

WTF

If you find the answer, let me know!I could sure use a helping hand in dealing with this childish behavior.

A good marriage is what works for both people. My marriage was good. It worked for us. Husband wasn't good! He would give his you know whats to have a quarter of what he had before. It's not going to happen. We now live in a bad marriage, but it doesn't mean I have to have a bad life. And while it is not easy, it is doable.

Your husband, as well as many others, didn't become the person they were overnight. He isn't going to change that quickly. I don't know how old he is, but if he's over 40, he's had lots of practice being mothered. Let' face it, it's nice to be taken care of. He will need lots of therapy, and want to change badly, for him to ever change.

[This message edited by Skye at 10:58 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

(((huge hugs)))

Your H sounds very much like my XWH. Very passive-aggressive, had social anxiety, etc. It left me in a more parental role, which I grew to resent. Then I think he started to resent my resentment.

I don't have any good answers for you, except to say that I am now married to an extrovert; almost the complete opposite of my XWH. While we still have some issues in our marriage, it is definitely more of a true partnership in every sense of the word. It is VERY different from my first marriage, and looking back, I can't believe what I accepted back then.

I'm not saying you should leave- I left XWH because I knew he didn't have it in him to do the hard work to R.

Your H is in therapy- that's a very good start. If he recognizes his issues, he can work to change. I do think this will take more than 6 months, though.

(((more hugs)))

[This message edited by hill at 11:26 AM, September 8th (Wednesday)]

PD, I don't know what a good marriage is, really. I thought I had one, or one that was good despite some major obstacles--and I was wrong.

I do relate to your situation, though. I'm glad your husband is starting to get it.

I think a good marriage involves two people who respect each other, as well as care about each other. Two people who understand their own strengths and weaknesses, as well as the strengths and weaknesses of their spouse - which takes honesty, so I have to say a good marriage involves honesty. I also believe a good marriage involves kindness - every day, normal kindnesses.

I also believe a good marriage involves two people who accept responsibility for themselves, rather than expecting the partner to provide every need, stated and unstated.

I also believe that a good marriage involves a willingness to forgive, forgiveness for things little and big, yet still also demands accountability.

That is my dream...

A fairytale.

I always tell my WH, that I want old people love, lol...you ever see that old couple in a restaurant, and they're so comfortable with each other and themselves. You know in the course of their marriage, they've probably dealt with their share of crap. But it's just so in your face that they still love each other, it's not a physical shallow thing, our bodies age, but still they're there, loving and caring for that person. cutest thing I think I've ever saw, was a couple probably in their 80s playing football with a drink coaster at their table in a restaurant. Of course, it may all be appearances, but that's the kind of marriage I'd love to have.

Thank you for your replies. I guess WS has changed considerably, in a relatively short space of time. And, I think we may have had a breakthrough! Whilst he told me that he didn't think he needed IC, he has since emailed a summary of his difficulties to the counsellor, seems he does 'get it' after all.

I loved the idea of the two 80+ happily marrieds. I used to think that would be me and WS. The fairytale has been invaded by a cursed WS and a wicked witch. Not sure if there's going to be a happy ending in this fairytale anymore.

Here's wishing us all a dose of magic and happily ever afters.