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Is there anybody who is a fan of these books? I watched Wayne Dyer last night on PBS - enjoyed him as well.

I am not fond of "The Secret" but do like Byron Katie and find "Abraham" interesting.

Definitely like Dr. Dyer and Deepak Chopra.

Grace

Hi Graceisgood,

This is from the Byron Katie cd/book 'I need your love'

"How do you treat us when you want our approval and we don't give it"? You have a huge investment in us. You have sacrificed your life for our approval and when we don't give it - How do you treat us"?

The passage goes on but towards the end the "turn around" - I should give me my approval. BK - "Give me three things you approve of"

I wrote that passage in my journal - because it really strikes a nerve with me. It is me! During our marriage (25plus years) I did so MANY things just so he would love me. I often went against my own better judgement. Now when I try to find 3 things that I approve of about myself - I am lost. I even asked my Mom - and she couldn't come up with anything either. Mom told me I was "nice"

It really upset me that my own Mother couldn't find 3 things. I know it is not her job - but still. DAM!

What am I missing here? I don't even have an idea where to begin.

So if you ask yourself the same question - how would you answer?

Thanks!!

Hello Strike3-

It really upset me that my own Mother couldn't find 3 things

Yes, that would be disheartening to say the least.

I did so MANY things just so he would love me. I often went against my own better judgement.

I too have done this. I personally feel shame and weakness for those things. But when I stop, and pretend that I am looking at someone else's life then I can see the "turn around" of those things.

Say I let my H spend all our extra money on his car, I never bought myself anything because I put him and his wants first. Well, looking back now, I see that as pathetic, but objectively I see that as a form of being giving.

I have always had empathy for others, always tried to see the good in others, tried to see how/why they did what they did. Some would say I made excuses for them or their actions, but that is not true, I tried to see behind their poor choices/actions to what motivated them.

I never did this for myself though. I always just pounded myself, I was never good enough for myself, I knew my thoughts and I knew where I failed, sure I may have DONE the right thing, but I knew that I did not want to, or I knew how hard it was and how I wanted to stop doing the right thing, so that invalidated the fact that I actually did the right thing in my mind.

Now, I try to give myself the same courtesy I give/gave others.

I see that I did many things to "be loved" to earn love, etc. things I should not have done, things that were not beneficial for me or my H, but I did not KNOW any better, I did not KNOW I had choices, now I do.

So, I would say I am teachable, I am trustworthy, I am loyal, I am open minded (of course there is a limit to open minded, one can only be as open as one is, that is always a work in progress),to name a few, and I approve of all these things.

So, all those things you did/do that you do not approve of, can you do a "turn around" on them and see that you may have veered off course but that your deep down motivation was something you can approve of, or that perhaps with just a little tweaking will be something you approve of?

Hope this helped some and that I really did understand what you were needing. If I did not please let me know.

Grace

Thank you!!! Yes!! Your kind words really did help.

Especially where you said " I am teachable, lovable & loyal" - I too can see that in myself.

Shortly after DD#2 I had a surreal moment - I had been crying, very down on myself - I was questioning "why didn't I leave the 1st time?" "Why did I always do whatever HE wanted?" At that point I heard my inner voice say "so he will love me best".

A flood of childhood memories came back. It hurt me to my core. I know that I compromised so much of who I am just to survive the marriage.

I think it was very "conditional love" (from me). I would love him, bend over backwards and basically DO ANYTHING as long as he "loved me" and kept the marriage vows.

As far as my Mom, I know she loves me. I know she did the best she could when I was growing up. We are just very different people. Right now I am staying with her - and through this process we have actually gotten much closer.

I will try to sort through some of my garbage and do turnarounds. I think that is a wonderful idea.

One thing that I learned from BK - is when I feel insulted or I want to go into defending myself - Now I stop and ask "is it true"? That has been eye opening.

Again many thanks.

You are very welcome

I am really glad that some of it resonated.

Yes, it is very eye opening to ask if things we think/feel really are true, and it almost always seems to lead down more paths and on and on

Grace

Hi GraceisGood:

I just re-watched "The Secret" - can you tell me what about the movie you didn't like? Just curious.

Strike3 - hello, this is just my personal take on the movie, please do not see it as a judgment, just how the movie does not "work" for me.

Fist of all, I do not appreciate how it mostly focuses on "material" things to get. I feel one should think positively in order to be the best they can be to be whole, not to get things.

Also I look at my own life and really scrutinize it and do not see it playing out as the movie/book suggests.

For example since we are here on SI, my only requirement in M was that my H be faithful, so one could say I attracted an unfaithful spouse because of my fear of being cheated on (really though it was a fear of abandonment). If that were the case, then why did I not cheat, because my H believed that I was cheating on him that I had to be cheating on him, he focused on it, he treated me as such, etc, yet I did not cheat, and he did not abandon me, sure he cheated, but he never left me (he did ONS, one could argue that during the ONS he was abandoning me, but it just does not make sense in the grand scheme of our M).

I do totally believe that our thoughts are extremely powerful and that mastering them is important and useful and letting them run a muck is problematic.

I see the secret as just too simple in a way that can actually keep people stuck in life focusing on attracting thing to them instead of doing the deep soul work of becoming whole and healed. I believe the more one works to be whole and healed the more their life takes the shape that reflects them and provides them with what then need to be happy and content, the intention to heal brings more than just healing, the intention to focus on attraction can keep one from healing IMO.

Again, this is just my personal opinion based on my life experiences and how the movie makes me "feel".

Grace

Hi,

I too have abandonment - FOO issues. I always believed (focused on) the idea that my husband would NEVER cheat.I never wanted a divorce. I focused (or dare I say attracted) it. The more I focused on "his behavior" and was angry and bitter the more he lived up to my worst fears. He cheated multiple times over many years

I agree personal growth, self analysis is HUGE. Now I'm focusing on how I can be a better person. I work on gratitude. I am trying to focus on the benefits of getting divorced. I get to start my life over. I am free to make my own decisions. I still have my beautiful children. I still have my health. etc. I recently created a time line of the affairs, and instead of getting angry - I was truly happy - because in my heart I knew that leaving was the absolute best decision I could have made. My leaving put an end to a lot of misery.

I'm not a "die-hard" fan - however I agree with some of the concepts.

Like attracts like:

when you get a new car - suddenly you see them everywhere

when I am in service to others - I am filled with humility, and gratitude. I get more out of the experience than I give

When I free up my mind - and go out and enjoy nature - I have inner peace, and more creative ideas flow

I do not try to stop my thoughts. I do try to question my thoughts. IMHO - The Secret, Byron Katie, Wayne Dyer etc all give pretty much the same message - only the wording is different.

It sounds like the secret resonates with you and your life experiences, and that is a good thing, we all need resonance and those ah ha moments when we know/feel a commonality.

I just see it different is all.

Grace