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Maintaining NC

I've maintained NC for 6 months and my marriage is doing really well!  I wanted to share an exercise I use to do when I triggered and/or found myself pining for my AP.  I would allow myself to play out the scenario....

I break NC.

The A starts again.

We get caught again.

I get divorced.

EVERYONE knows my darkest secret.

My children know my secret.

My children come from divorced parents.

My children visit my fun but crazy in-laws without me.

My husband is not around to do ALL of the rituals and family traditions we created.

My AP gets divorced.

For the sake of arguement - we get married.

My kids hate him!

His kids hate me!

I have to deal w his x-wife forever (kids, grandkids...)!

Perhaps my husband remarries.

My kids have another 'mother-figure' in their life.

Weddings - separate divorced parents tables.

Split holiday

Grandchildren - split visitation

Not having family traditions from my children's childhoods to share (not the same).......

There's just NO WAY to make this a desirable scenario!  I'm so thankful for the beautiful gift of forgiveness I have been given!

Just to be clear - these are NOT the reasons I stayed with my husband. I stayed because I LOVE him and WANT to be with him.

This is just something that helped me out of my fog. I believe that the fog is a defense mechanism. As long as my A was about true love and fairy tales I was a good person. I didn't have to take the real hard look into what I was destroying.

Under standing consequences is a very good thing. Learning to consider consequences BEFORE taking action is a even better thing.

With tremendous regret and remorse, I learned that the hard way!

Funny you should bring this up because BH texted me just last week thinking of reasons that i might "justify" breaking NC such as getting closure. This was my reply:

First of all I would NEVER break NC because i love you and I don't want to do something foolish for you to ever doubt that love again. Second, I am realizing that I don't need closure. I don't love him and never really did. You could divorce me tomorrow and I am still not calling him. I deserve better than that! Third, i don't need the consequence of a messy divorce to keep me from contacting him. That isn't what is stopping me. What stops me is knowing that NC is the right thing to do. Loving you is the natural thing to do.

Although I have to admit there was a time that the consequence of a messy divorce was very motivating! I am glad that's not the reason now.

Ditto! I'm so happy to be out of the crazy and feel normal (lol whatever that is)!

Where did I go

I LOVE YOUR POSTS!!! For some reason (Thank God), you can always put my Hs perspective into a WOMAN'S POV!!! You may never realize how much my H appreciates your help, so I'll tell you for him!!!

Thanks A!

I glad your moving in the right direction. Even if it's baby steps...forward motion is forward motion!

Although breaking NC has not even been a temptation of mine, when I choose to remind myself of the consequences I need only to imagine my H marrying another woman :(

That and the look in my son's eyes when I had to tell him we would be getting a D (on D-day)- I saw his pupils shrink immediately. Makes me sick just thinking about it.

AugustSeptember is my wife and yes....thank you very much. Your posts have helped her understand my affair and what i was thinking at the time and now. If you ever visit North Carolina we owe you lunch.

Fool (I had to call you that!) ~ Your wife is a wonderful person! We are both very blessed to have married such loving people!

I'm glad that my story has helped your marriage! I am however a little scared that there is another person out there that's as crazy as I am! LOL - lunch would be wonderful!

Many blessings to you and AS!

Where - That's a good technique. My therapist calls it "play it to the end". I wanted to stop in the middle, but he said you have to get to the end of the scenario!

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Although breaking NC has not even been a temptation of mine, when I choose to remind myself of the consequences I need only to imagine my H marrying another woman :(

Face, wow, thanks for posting this. It had never crossed my mind that a WS might feel that way. I just read that to my FWW, and she absolutely cringed. She said, "OMG that would be awful, horrible."

It had just never occured to me.

I think it's awesome the way you played it all the way through. I wish I had thought about all of these things BEFORE I had my A. I am new here but from what I am reading so far I am glad to find some support, and not judgement. When D day came it was surreal and all I could think was "what have I done to my family?" "How would my children handle a divorce?" Lucky for me it doesn't look like that is where we are headed at this point. I am very, very lucky.

Crossbow, it really is true in many cases that a WS loses track of reality when living deceitfully and unfaithfully. I never stopped loving my H, but became very good at rationalizing my obscene behaviour. The thought of my H leaving me never entered my mind because he was never supposed to find out. I had even convinced myself at a certain point that I was actually a better wife because of it. It horrifies me to think about how twisted up my mind became.

Nothing clears the Fog like coming clean and staring down the barrel at consequences (hence the name), particularly D.

They say it's men who are best at compartmentalization, but I disagree.

I am almost obsessive now about NC, and define most interactions with men that were previously acceptable as breaking NC. I consider all men potential risks and am almost paranoid of going over the line.

[This message edited by facethemusic at 3:25 AM, November 17th (Wednesday)]

Wow. I think this should be required reading for WSs, or those thinking of making that step. Very powerful. Thanks.

Face, my FWW also never imagined divorce because I, too, was never supposed to find out. She says she loved me throughout that time and never had any thought of leaving me. When I met her at the door with a packed suitcase and told her I wanted a D, she was literally in shock.

She, too, has been very vigilant about NC, even avoiding former friends who are having As or think they are okay. She wants to avoid even the appearance of impropiety.

I'm so impressed with the work that she - and all of our FORMER Waywards - have done on themselves and their marriages. Truly impressed.

Thanks Crossbow, it really means a lot to me to have my efforts recognized.

I think it's great that your W is avoiding supporters of infidelity... none of them can ever be considered friends of the marriage. It really astonishes me even now to think back to how many people supported me during my infidelity and how a few people who know about me now defend my behaviour (even though I do not). This makes rationalization SO much easier!

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