SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

“A Word About Adultery” by Bob Lonsberry

Adultery is the most selfish, destructive and hateful thing a person can do.

It’s funny what you don’t know going in.

Or what you choose to ignore.

And it’s tragic that you don’t realize until it’s too late, until what’s done is done, how utterly wasted a life can be. How hopeless hopeless can become. How the promise and joy of life can slip like water through guilty hands.

Hell is merely realizing what you’ve done.

Mostly to others, but ultimately to yourself.

Hell is the flash of memory, snippets and snapshots of a happy spouse, a newlywed or new mother, pleased and pledged, her future and hopes tied to you. Her whole life in all its stages gambled on you. The very nature, substance and quality of her life, through all its years, depending on a promise you have casually or repeatedly broken.

How you can take an hour or a decade of selfishness and condemn an innocent person to a lifetime of loneliness and disappointment.

How you can steal someone’s dream and leave it tattered and stained, unrecognizable and unsalvageable. And not just any someone. The one person who has given you more than any other. The only one who truly understands you and cares about you, and who proved it by giving herself to you. By having faith in you and supporting you. By taking your name and taking your fate.

That’s the one you destroy.

It’s an emotional murder. The snuffing out of a life that should have been lived. Not the stopping of a heart, but the breaking of a heart.

Taking the “happily” out of “happily ever after.” It’s an emotional murder.

And that’s the hell.

For you because you deserve it, and for her because she doesn’t.

Then there are the children.

Innocents whose lives are forever and unfairly changed. Who have a mommy and a daddy one day, but not the next. At least not in a real way. Not in the way they are supposed to. No Christmases and family reunions and weddings and graduations, no family nights around the dinner table or the TV, it’s all just shattered and broken.

You’d kill someone who hurt your children a fraction of how badly you’ve hurt them, and yet you’ve done it, and they tell you it’s OK but you know it’s not and you’ve done it and you can’t run away from it and Humpty Dumpty can’t be put back together again.

And children cry.

When they are young, and decades later when they are old.

The family died, and daddy did it.

That’s the hell.

Realizing that.

Realizing that you did that to them. That you have returned hate for love, betrayal for trust, evil for good.

You have broken the only promise you really had to keep. And in the world of cause and effect they reap the harvest you have sown.

Adultery isn’t something you do with another person, it is something you do to your family. To the hopes and lives of the only people who will ever really matter to you.

It is a blind and hateful selfishness, a universe out of kilter, an arrogance of priority and interest. You are all that matters, nothing else counts, and you have everything backwards.

And it seals you off until you are alone and they don’t have you even if you are in their midst. Ultimately you rot so much that it collapses, the marriage and the family, and out you spin, not realizing a fraction of what you’ve done and who you’ve hurt and what you’ve lost.

But it comes eventually. In the dark of the night, in the realizations of the soul, in the honesty of humility.

And you can’t think about what you’ve lost, because you’re too ashamed of what you’ve taken. Ashamed and anguished and wrong.

And that is hell. The realization of what you’ve done. Of who you’ve hurt. Of the damage you’ve caused. Of the fact it’ll never go away.

That is the lake of fire and brimstone.

You realize that life was a test. And you failed. You failed your family.

Adultery brings nothing but sorrow and pain. The likes of which words cannot communicate and imagination cannot conjure.

“Thou shalt not commit adultery” was not a restriction, it was a warning.

Which only fools fail to heed.

- by Bob Lonsberry © 2004

Great article

and then stupid me broke my NC promise for today and sent the asswipe that

That is so hard to read.

Thank you.

I sent it to my asswipe too.

[This message edited by 3boysmom at 1:54 PM, November 15th (Monday)]

I dunno.

I kinda put this in the *o cry me a fucking river* category.

Look at the ratio of BS:WS here. Look at how FEW WS really get it. And even those that do - they dont really. At best they kinda get it. But can put it on the back burner and forget about it for a time. They can go on and have good - even better M.

I cant do that. And I see allot of other BS here who cant do that too. The A is a shadow I sit in allways. It is THERE. It colours every convo I have with WW. Even tho we hardly ever speak of her LTA any more. I think its been 4 years or so since we talk of it. But the LTA and the fall out and the destruction of ALL previous happy memories of the M. All that is there ALL THE TIME. It colours every thing.

I see a apparently happy couple on the street. I think *shes cheating on you probably bucko*. I see couples and I invariably believe 1 of them is cheating.

Some times when we visit were the A happen. And me WW want to go here or there. I wonder. Did you go there with OM? When she go to places they share. Does she miss him?

WS have the time of they life while out screwing around. Then they vacation ends. And sure. Yes. There is some payment. But the memory of that great time stays behind for them. Just as the pain of it all stay with the BS. The happy memory of the LTA stay behind for the WS.

And now when they say the pain they cause tarnish those happy memories?

*o cry me a fucking river. You think you got it bad? try it from over here. pig shit. I would trade places and memories in a fleeting second with any of them.*

So yeh. These are nice words spread out in a line. Just like a politicians speech or a lawyer argument. Pretty words that say nothing. And mean nothing.

Razor

[This message edited by Razor at 2:02 PM, November 15th (Monday)]

I agree it is a hateful act. Very hateful. You don't hear that said very often around here, but I believe it.

Razor- you have an on-again-off-again remorseful WW, and I can imagine that this all sounds quite a bit like "oh cry me a fuckin river." That's fair... Now, please let me humbly offer you the side of the truly broken, honestly remorseful WS (and WW at that).

When my dday happened, I felt as if I had literally been hit by a 2x4. Was I embarrassed? Hell yes!! And did I lie for a few days? Oh, yes!! You'd better believe it! But then I stopped, and I looked at the person I vowed to love until I died... And I haven't stopped being broken and honest (een now as we are headed towards D).

You're right... We can't feel life from your side, but can you imagine, truly imagine what it feels like for those of us WS that totally commit to life-changing, soul searching recovery and healing? We are dealing with our pain- that we caused, your pain- that we caused, the loss of who we thought we were- that WE caused, the loss of trust- that WE caused, and sometimes the loss of our families- that WE caused...

Those of us that are truly remorseful don't need a "fucking river" cried on our behalf, but I'm telling you, we have to deal with losses- only we have to be the ones that truly take responsibility for the fact that our selfish, disgusting behavior is the cause of those losses...

I pray that, if we are the sum of ALL of our actions, may all of us WSes that truly feel the pain we have caused not have to live in filth for the rest of our lives...

It is a great article....but I also think that only a WS that GETS what they have done would completely feel like that. Only they would feel

Razor's

pain and feel like hell.

If they didn't feel like they could cause all this pain..that it was not all of "their fault"..etc....sending them an article like this would only make them roll their eyes and accuse the BS of dramatization.

Sadly there are really only a handful of WS that would get the pain and devastation that they have caused.

Razor...

Please speak of your own WS and her actions or lack of, but the generalizing really needs to stop.

Thank you.

I just wish that WS's, in general, would actually take in the words of that article. I agree 100% that adultery is that hateful and destructive. I would say that maybe only rape, murder and some forms of torture are worse.

But how many WS's, lost in a fog, are going to read that and get anything from it? If I thought it would do anything other than fan the flames, I would send it to my wife. She would rationalize her way right around those words, and fire up the blame-thrower.

I think many adulterers do end up in some degree of the hell the writer describes. I've seen it happen to parents of my friends. I think you have to be a bit sociopathic to not feel bad once the fantasy and the fog clear. Of course, going from the many posts I've read on SI, it seems many of us are dealing with sociopaths. I think my WW is one of them, unfortunately.

trytoforgive.

First and most of all. Thank you for not being upset by my venting.

I truly hope my case is unique. But have spoken to a few other BH that have similar experiences. (actually nearly identical)

TT? Yes I got that. But I got a bonus of *Im not going to tell you THAT* and a heaping dose of *thats none of you business*. When I ask about where they went I get *I forget* and *I dont want to tell you*

Blame shifting? Got that in spades. You get much kudos for admitting fault and taking responsibility. I got that the LTA happen because I was/am a bad husband. Never mind that I provided VERY well for me family. Was very rarely away working on week ends. Allways had at least weekly date night. Work from home as much as possible. I STILL got *you were never there for me*

WW admits freely to no empathy. Cant put her self in my situ. In her place I would turn me self in-side-out to do that.

Remorse? Only for her self. What the LTA did for/to her. She dumped OM after 3+ years because she finally realized he was using her.

Freely admits to many fond memories.

WW resents that I dont want her to go visit *friends* in the city where OM lives. This was a excuse she used to go there during her LTA.

I have evidence that clearly say WW misses OM to this day. And feels she was happier with him than she could ever be with me. (that is nearly a direct quote from a discovered email)

And yet I have heard time and time again the litany of *o I feel so bad* but this is allways about what she did to her self. Once in a great while I hear some thing about how the pain I feel lingers forever but never taking any responsibility for that. Remember its all MY fault.

I have also heard some *pretty words* that could have adorned a card by Hallmark. In the end they were only words. Not backed by action. Not back by true feelings. So these were only lies and tools to manipulate.

I have been inflicted repeatedly with *punishment by truth*. Answers given in the most hurtful way possible.

Why dont I leave then? I cant. Im retired and dont fancy living in a shanty down by the river with the other homeless blokes.

I honestly believe that WS such as you self are a rarity. And take that to you credit. IMHO most either never tell at all. Deceiving they BS and stealing they life from them. OR they TT and Blame and justify. Then skate happily allong thru they life like nothing has happened. And say the M is better after they A.

I am truly sorry for the venting. Its Monday. And I will be better by Friday (after a few days reading and posting on SI) SI helps me via providing a escape. A place where I can speak me peace and not be abused for it.

I humbly apologize if me words sting. I am not being spiteful. I am only speaking MY truth.

Razor

Thank you for posting this; it really sums up how I feel right now. I think I will send this to WH eventually (once I've confronted him obviously).

t/j:

That is so hard to read.

Thank you.

I sent it to my asswipe too.

I'm so sorry 3boys, but your reply cracked me up. The sincerity of your pain reading it, then "I sent it to my asswipe" just was totally unexpected!!

It just made me smile.

end of t/j

The article...wow.

I'm so sorry 3boys, but your reply cracked me up. The sincerity of your pain reading it, then "I sent it to my asswipe" just was totally unexpected!!

It just made me smile.

I'm glad you smiled!

I'll send this to fuckface when I file for divorce.

Now he usually deletes everything I send him.

Maybe I'll print it and tape it to his car when he's at work. Now, there's an idea.

..first..((((man-hugs 4Razor)))..

..your WW just isn't cutting the mustard for you when it comes to remorse, and i can see how you live in the shadow of it all..

..especially if you sense that WW still lives in some after-glow of her affair, enjoying the memories..

..that is not a place any BS would want to live in..

..BS's and WS's each live in their own special world of pain and perspective..

..one cannot know the other's pain, but i believe both are emotionally crippling and devastating in their own right..

..Lonsberry at least, give us a window into some of the emotional fallout a WS who 'gets it' might feel and as a BS, i can only hope my fWW gets it and can understand how i feel, being on the receiving end of such a monumental LTA double betrayal.

..all of Lonsberry's points combine to confirm 'why' it takes so long to get over it, IF we ever do!!!

..'a lifetime of disappointment..' [that] ..brings nothing but pain and sorrow.

..in my 63+ years of life, the 40+ years that have been coloured, tainted and forever changed are undoubtedly the worst thing that could have happened.

..only the death of one's child could result in greater anguish and heartbreak for a parent than this nightmare..

..thanks Crushed1 for posting this insightful piece..

smy

I've seen this article and variations of it several times in the past, and I really think it's a very eloquent statement about the consequences of infidelity.

Unfortunately, it also reminds me of the years I spent growing up church when all the old bikers and hippies would stand up and testify about the thirty years they spent drinking, whoring, shooting drugs, etc., and how much they regret it now, so you, young teenager, should learn from their example and tread the straight and narrow.

To which we already responded, "So, you got to have your fun and now you want to piss on ours, eh?"

What I mean by that is that the message in inherently hard won and valuable. It is the voice of bitter experience. It is also the voice that no one is actually going to heed except the people who wouldn't have cheated anyway.

The thing is, I don't think the intended audience for this is BS's. Lonsberry's BS, yes, but not BS's in general. The intended audience is WS's who are experiencing the consequences of their behavior, in the same way the Big Book is full of drinking horror stories for alcoholics to meditate on and remind themselves why they shouldn't crawl back into the bottle.

For any other audience, it's just an example of preaching to the choir.

Unfortunately, it also reminds me of the years I spent growing up church when all the old bikers and hippies would stand up and testify about the thirty years they spent drinking, whoring, shooting drugs, etc., and how much they regret it now, so you, young teenager, should learn from their example and tread the straight and narrow.

To which we already responded, "So, you got to have your fun and now you want to piss on ours, eh?"

The life of St. Thomas Aquinas come to mind.

Don't you dare go all high brow "St. Aquinas" on me, Razor. I simply won't have it.

I never considered Aquinas *high brow* Just another low life scum bag (sorry to those of the religious persuasion.. just IMO) who got up on his high horse to preach on how every one (else) should behave after he led the life of his pleasure.

This is one of the best articles that I've ever seen on the truth of what adultery is and what it does to a BS and a family. It clearly defines the damage, destruction, and devastation which result in the wake.

Someone posted this article when I was a newbie here and I printed it out and laid it on my H's desk. He read it and cried. It was like a sledgehammer to his foggy head. He saw *himself*, me, and our children in this article. It opened his eyes to the truth.

This showed him who he was and for the first time he actually *thought* about *his actions* and what he was doing to all of us.

It helped change the way he looked at the A, he saw that it was about hate and not love, that it was about his utter selfishness, and it painted a whole new picture for him of himself and the truth of the ugliness of the A. He cannot bear to see that article even today, it must bring back some frightening memories of what he came so close to losing and destroying forever.

I hope it will provide a sledgehammer to someone who needs one!