SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so sorry.

I think you need the 180... however, I think you need to also make it known that her only option from you is full disclosure. Granted, I'm relatively new here, but I made sure my WH knew exactly that. I did get a little TT from him, too. It took a good month before he was open and honest with me. Fr me, the 180 helped to shock him out of the fog, stop blaming me (he did that A LOT), and man up! Just NOW is he able to take full responsibility for his actions, and realize what an iodiot and how horrible he really was.

I don't think the 180 is about anger, or about hate. It's about preservation, and promotion of YOU, what you want. what you need!

Honestly, do you want to baby her and coddle her when you know she is being untruthful and manipulative?

I agree with TXMommy. FWH and I agreed to radical honesty henceforth in our marriage (he has had a chronic problem with lying). After a week of TT, I told him that so long as everything was in the past, I was willing to work on the marriage if he told me EVERYTHING. He now says that was what he needed to hear to be honest with me. The lying and trickle truth is a self-preserving mechanism because they think that if you know everything, then you will surely divorce them, or if you know everything, you really cannot handle it. I told FWH that together we could work on saving our M, but I could not/would not do it without full knowledge of the betrayal.

Good luck to you, hoping she de-fogs soon.

Edited for spelling errors

[This message edited by shattered123 at 10:40 AM, December 1st (Wednesday)]

today is a feeling broken day, but I wish not dwelling on it. I will move forward and I will seek peace through faith. I broke 180 last night, was difficult for me to see her worry for the OM, rather than me, I have not felt remorse and although difficult to accept, most of the advice folks posted here came true.

I pray for strength, for inner peace.

thank you all for your ourpouring support

Hey man. Doing the 180 is being pro-active. You ARE doing something. Take this time to work on you. Also if you haven't already, consult an attorney to know your rights. A lot of wiser SIs gave given good advice. Take heed. Come back if you need more advice.

So, did you get upset with her, or did you comfort her? For your sake, please don't try to comfort her. She should really be the one comforting YOU!

Sorry you're having a rough day. Those days come, but good days do, too.

((HUGS)). You can get through this.

TXMommy

thank you, I needed to hear someone tell me what you had posted. thank you....

Waywards want comfort because it is still all about them. Don't do it. They have to understand their are consequences to their actions. The 180 is the best method to do something. It gives you an action and helps you detach.

In the beginning I made the mistake of sharing the blame for the A and trying to fix me. I tried to comfort him, begged him to give us two more months, fed his ego. It wasn't until I started getting stronger, that I got the truth and he snapped out of the fog. The 180 is hard in the beginning, but it does get easier. And the more you practice it, the more sense it makes. And there are going to be days when you fall off the 180 wagon. Don't be hard on yourself, just get back up, dust yourself off and get back on the wagon. You can do this.

Rightbefore, your wife is a seriously troubled soul. You are being way too kind and understanding in your posts. Seriously.

Your WW is a liar and a cheat. She, the mother of your 6-year old child, fucked a man on your marital bed, and you're actually wondering how many times they might have had sex??

What business does she have taking ANY calls from this POS at this point? That's a boundary that needs to be set NOW, unless you like sharing your wife.

The suicide talk is utter, denial-fueled, panicked, I-better-say-something bullshit to deflect your questions and your righteous fury. Seriously.

Who gives a rat's ass about the OM, anyway?

Your wife needs some serious reality shock therapy, my friend. She is playing you and she doesn't fear losing her family, apparently, because you have given her no direct, obvious reason to have that kind of fear.

Please, please take my signature line to heart. You need to lay down serious boundaries first, with clear consequences, whether or not you consider whether even trying to R with this woman is in your best interests and your daughter's best interests.

And 180 the whole time. The 180 is for your own sanity, and the secondary effect of perhaps speeding up the fog-erosion and replacing it with raw fear and shame is just an added plus.

I have never seen a BH on this site who subsequently reconciled with his spouse who EVER indicated regretting being too harsh and brutal at the beginning of this ordeal. Only the opposite, really. That should tell you quite a lot, my friend.

She told me that the OM had called her today at 3pm using a private number

Rightbeforebday, have you checked her phone and/or phone records to confirm that this is true?

I agree with TXMommy, you are the one who has been wronged, you are the one deserving comforting.

You are a kind and generous soul. So I am sure all of this 180 stuff must go completely against your grain.

But if you are to have a chance at saving your marriage you MUST do this.

Don't worry about a slip up from last night. TXMommy is right. She IS the one who should be comforting YOU.

But see...by you comforting her, you are showing her that you are her rock and you will be there for her through ANYTHING. You are TELLING her through your actions that you will tolerate her BAD BEHAVIOR and even reward it. See what I mean?

She needs to feel and KNOW that maybe you WON'T be there for her. That maybe you're NOT SURE what the future holds for your marriage. That you need "space" and "time" to figure out what you're going to do. (this is where the 180 comes in) She needs to know that even IF she pulls this thing out of the ditch, you're STILL not sure you can forgive her.

The 180 is not to "trick" you WW into doing anything. It's to give you some distance from her and the whole situation. In the process, you gain clarity and become more strong mentally and individually.

You need to go on the OFFENSE and pull the rug out from under her little fantasy. Right now, she's foggy. She's daydreaming about OM and oh boo-f'ing-hoo-ing about missing him and giving you this horse crap about how he might commit suicide. She needs to be worried that her husband might be ready to throw her out of her house and she might lose custody of her daughter becasue of her behavior. That might snap her out of it.

See a lawyer. Leave the business card laying on the kitchen counter and the telephone book open to the yellow pages for attorneys. Don't TELL HER ANYTHING. Then just sit back and watch her behavior change.

My bet is she PANICS and starts to back peddle.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 2:45 PM, December 1st (Wednesday)]

thanks for all the advice and words of encouragement for me to "grow a pair" :)

Just to clarify, my little slip off of the 180 was not because I comforted her instead I lost my cool and almost got into a full on fight, she does not take "threats" well at all, that I know for years. Basically what happened was that I couldn't accept how she worries so much for them(OM and his BS) and continue to believe my message to OM's BS is a massacre, and she shows no "remorse" for shattering my life nor make ANY attempt to comfort me(may be I'm keeping a good proper 180 straight face). She's acting as if nothing's ever happened and spend her time on her computer doing research for our daughter's next birthday party(in Jan.)

I'm trying to follow the rules of the 180, and I agree it's designed for my benefit, but I don't see how any of it would be considered a "shock therapy" nor a "de-fogger". If the real shock therapy is threat of divorce, it'll be extremely difficult for me to put that on the table I'm not gonna lie.

at this point I'm just praying and planning things to keep myself busy, getting back to music, start going to gym(a new thing for me), and just keeping myself busy. but I'm afraid and unwilling to let it go just like that, by pretending nothing ever happened.

I know I had just started 180 YESTERDAY, can anyone share any SUCCESSFUL 180 story?

thanks

can anyone share any SUCCESSFUL 180 story?

Once I implemented a strong 180, then and only then did life start to change for me.

The more I focused on myself, my healing, my interest, my life, etc... the more H wanted to know what in the heck was going on with me. He was unable to control what I did because I was finally in control of my life instead of him. I knew I was getting stronger when H admitted to me in a sad, defeated kind of voice that he thought I was seeing someone else because he was no longer able to control me. He purposely tried to push my buttons and when he saw that I stayed focused on my personal goals he felt defeated. His behavior towards me and our children have changed drastically for the good.

I don't know if you realize this or not, the 180 is meant for you to regain control of your own life. WSs are controlling. Yep, broad general statement; however, I don't think too many would disagree. Part of the control is controlling their BS. Your WS is controlling you through your emotions. She is telling you what she wants you to know, how you are supposed to feel, how you're supposed to react, etc... through manipulation of your emotions.

If you're here you have been mindfuc--- for awhile by your WS.

Do the 180. Stick to the 180, easier said then done. It's not about getting the WS to snap out of it. The 180 is about your regaining control of your life. The 180 does not guarantee that your WS will not cheat again. It will help you build up your strength and find yourself.

Now, what I've learned through all of this by talking to (F)WSs and (F)BSs is that in order to deal with a liar you must think like a liar and at times become a liar to get the truth.

RIghtBefore...

It sounds like your WW is just being selfish, and hoping this will just ALL go away. My WH wanted the SAME thing. He kept telling me to stop talking about it, and that we needed to leave it in the past. Really?

I finally had to send him an e-mail detailing what *I* needed if he wanted me to stay. I also told him that I needed to know what HE wanted from this marriage, because I'm not staying with a man that is just going through the motions. I was very careful to keep emotions out of it, and stick to facts. No flowery words of comfort, no I love you. I stated exactly what I wanted him to hear, very matter of fact-ly (which is SOOOOOO not me, so I suppose that's why he actually paid attention). I'm wondering if your WW needs that. You not only have to take care of yourself, she has to take care of you, too. That's the hard part. It's frustrating, I know. There were days that I just wanted to shake WH and ask him, "What the hell are you DOING? If you WANT ME, then SHOW ME!" It takes time, though. I have just now gotten to the point where I actually feel SOMETHING other than anger and resentment for my husband. It's been almost 6 months, and I'm finally starting to see the man *I* need. HE is finally, after 6 months, owning his crap.

My 180 won't look like yours, and yours won't look like anyone else's. The main thing that you have to keep in mind is to put YOU first... don't play in to her manipulations, stay strong, and take the wheel for this relationship, and try to find what YOU want. Then, go from there.

rightbefore, sounds like you are making progress. I can tell you at 5 momths out there is a truly big difference in how you will feel and I can promise that it does get better.

One bit of advice on SI - take what you need and leave the rest. Not all the stories end the same, and while most WS's do seem to follow the same "handbook" there are always exceptions to that rule.

Her telling you he called is HUGE. It was a private number and she could have easily kept that from you. So take comfort in the little things like that for now.

Do you continue to check up on her? Absolutely. I still do for my own reassurance.

I will not be in a false R so 1 hint of the A continuing again and I'm out of here, that is why I still check. Maybe I always will. He does not mind though and leaves his phone out so that I can check it without him being present. This is big for me.

I am hoping you and your little family have a wonderful holiday season.

My summer was ruined and I wish, looking back I would have focused on summer and not this because it went by in a blur. You are thinking much more clearly than I was and I know you will make this holiday magical for your daughter regardless of the mess that maybe inside your head at any given time.

Call me cynical, but is your wife spending a lot of time on the computer planning a birthday party? Research? My guess would be she's taken the affair underground and is talking to OM. Not what you want to hear, but time spent alone on the computer sounds shady. Have you considered a keylogger?

Just underscoring everything everyone has advised you on the 180. Don't take divorce off the table. That's what we're trying to tell you -- you have to face that divorcing your wife is better than sharing her. If OM goes away (an if), the fuckupedness that let her cheat is NOT going away.

She's not going to have her come to Jesus moment until she gets scared and things affect HER (that's the way selfish WSs are). Custody, divorce, those things will get her attention.

And you have to mean it. You have to be ready to lose your marriage either way. Maybe you'll save it, maybe she doesn't want to save it. I know that's hard and awful and you did NOTHING to deserve that. But you have to find the strength to walk away from someone who would do this to you and not be one bit sorry. (She's NOT sorry. I don't care about her sputterings, she is not SHOWING you sorry in her actions.)

Successful 180? I got one for you. I 180ed. Fell of the wagon many times. Moved out, divorced. Did it get his attention? Yep. And he never did stop cheating on me either. (That's the great thing about double lives. One life can be trying to save the marriage. The other life can be fucking around.)

Anywho... I moved on. Met an incredible man (a BS too). Fell in love and remarried. Now I think XWH... WHO?

There's a better life out there after this. You just have to be prepared to step out into it and stop taking crap. It's scary and it's the hardest thing you'll ever do.

Hang in there. But please lawyer up!

Brother,

Lawyer up. Just find out how you can protect yourself-- because the lack of remorse or care for your feelings is not a good sign for- the affair being over in her head, and your possible reconciliation.

She wants to rug sweep because she has no fear of loss. She is mentally still in the affair.

You gotta be strong and firm with your boundaries and what you need from her. Do not settle.

Don't threaten. Go to the lawyer, get a decree, hand it too her with your list of needs for reconciliation.

(((((Kamkim,TXMommy)))))

thank you both for your continuing support and encouragments.

squiffle,quedagh

thank you both, and I'll be seeking an attorney to find out my rights.

RBBday... Good for you. Stay strong, and take care of YOU.

Kamkin... I could have written your last post word for word, girl.

rightbeforebday,

Are you checking your wife's computer history and phone records?

It appears she's still in contact with OM.

Personally, I'd inform OM's spouse of each and every contact he makes to your wife.

seems like she is going into deep depression. it's not something I've done because I haven't done nothing other than telling myself to begin 180 two days ago. haven't consulted an attorney, nor threatening with divorce.

from a very typical "how are you feeling today" chat initiated by her, it eventually let to this point after I told her "would it help if I tell you how much I love you and care for you"(I know slightly off the 180 wagon).

she started saying things like:

-Apathy, deep sadness, hopelessness...

-I'll never be happy.

-I'm sorry, you should've marry a nice girl.

-I just ruin everyone's lives.

-I'm doubtful about being what's best for our daughter.

-nothing can help me but time, if this lowest point don't pass I'll check myself in.

she ended the conversation with

-I am a cancer that sucks the life out of everyone. Let me stay detached for now.

of course now I'm worry about her being at work and she's home alone, I gave her a call to make sure she's alright, she told me not to worry(in a stern/emotionless) voice.