SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here's the passage that struck home with me:

The enmeshing Nice Guy makes his partner his emotional center. His world revolves around her. She is more important than his work, his buddies, his hobbies. He will do whatever it takes to make her happy. He will give her gifts, try to fix her problems, and arrange his schedule to be with her. He will gladly sacrifice his wants and needs to win her love. He will even tolerate her bad moods, rage attacks, addictions, and emotional or sexual unavailability -- all because he "loves her so much".

I sometimes refer to enmeshing Nice Guys as table dogs. They are like little dogs who stand beneath the table just in case a scrap happens to fall their way. Enmeshing Nice Guys do this same hovering routine around their partner just in case she happens to drop him a scrap of sexual interest, a scrap of her time, a scrap of a good mood, or a scrap of her attention. Even though they are settling for the leftovers that fall from the table, enmeshing Nice Guys think they're getting something really good.

This was me for much of my M. One of the things I need to work out post D is where the healthy line is for me. When is it being nice for the sake of wanting to be nice, and when is it (even unintentionally) being manipulative?

Brokensmile

Did your WH read the book too? What did he learn from it.

I read this book and thought it described my WH and made it seem way too easy a "fix."

He's passive-aggressive, likely NPD, and refuses introspection, all while moaning about how he's tired of making everyone else "happy."

That level,of entitlement can't be fixed with a book, so I caution those who think this book might help fix a WS. Maybe some, yes, but alot of people who fit Glovers description are severely broken. And the book may give them more fuel for manipulation.

Melenaro

Your husband sounds like mine except he doesn't complain about making everyone else happy. He only complains that he can't speak up to me. Its ironic because he does what he wants as though I am not even a consideration. He sees himself as someone who spreads happiness and encouragement to the world. He gets angry with me when I speak up about his hurtful behavior to me...dishonesty, cheating, not following through, putting everyone and everything before our marriage.

I agree this book could help a NPD, passive-aggressive man permission to increase his abuse on his wife as he sees her as not submitting to everything he demands of her. As for healing from his affair, the idea that he is in control of his life and its not his wifes business goes against the idea of being transparent, remorseful, and gentle in helping her heal. I have to heal by myself as it is. Now he just has justification for shutting me down if I want to talk about it.

[This message edited by LearningToFly at 1:30 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

Learningtofly, I really rolled my eyes at your H's behavior!

Dear God, could he play any bigger a violin?

In terms of this book and other justifications, for several months my H has been on a fairly mysogynist kick. Feminism is to blame for everything. Any male who does not act in a certain way (according to my H's definition) is sold out, gay, or an affront to masculinity. Being "sensitive" means selling out.

WTF?

Mine shuts me down, too, ltf.

Books like these don't help :(