SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BTW-she doesn't decide what she will or won't do.

YOU decide what she MUST do for you to even consider staying.

Taking a polygraph would be at the top of the list.

Oh she doesn't want to take a second? Then she needs to move out.

Be tough. Stand your ground. You must-must-must to save your marriage.

Your wife has been with this guy for 15 yrs or longer----I am sad to say but your whole mge is a lie-----You must do what is best for you-

---right now you are actually dealing with your wife who could almost be called a bigamist---take plenty of time and think everything thru----you have your whole life ahead of you---again as before---you have to do what is best for you for the rest of your life---no quick decisions---get plenty of info---and think it all thru

15 years? Wow, that's the longest LTA I've seen in a while. Like jnj express said, basically the whole marriage was a lie. There is no repairing this. Far too many memories have been tainted. It's just too much.

Take care of yourself.

JNJ and Lordmayhem are correct. She's been banging this guy for 15 years at least. When you did the poly did you ask if there were other guys? Does your daughter look like you?

What do you want? You call the shots from here on out, not her. Start going out. Don't tell her your whereabouts. Take advantage of that 10 lb loss and start bodybuilding. Make yourself attractive, mysterious, and debonair. Flirt with women right in front of her. Give her something to think about while you make up your mind to divorce or not. There are a lot of reasonably hot old chicks out there just waiting to get their hands on you.

[This message edited by palerider at 1:31 AM, March 7th (Monday)]

man....

I just spoke with his wife after tracking her down.

How'd that go? Is your wife still in any contact with him?

Bufffalo

To MoreThanMe,

She is home right now and I am sick. She said that she needs help through counseling to "talk to me and to help her own up to what she's done. I agreed to go.

To, jnj express

lordmayham

palerider,

As for the poly, she denied having slept with ANYBODY during our marriage before the question was even asked so the sleeping with other guys question couldn't be asked until after she failed that question. And she failed the question has she EVER slept with the OM? On the second poly he could get right down to the details, but she refuses to take another one. And My daughter does look like me and she is mine. I'm positive of that!

After speaking with the OM, he confirmed that they didn't really do anything again until the last 2 years which I find hard to believe. He told me he was in this relationship with my wife because his marriage was in trouble for a few years. He also told me that he could never get my wife to tell him WHY she was doing what they were doing. He did say it was physical and I told my wife what he said and she said he was lying to save his own skin.

To Buffalo.

I had a 45 minute conversation with his wife and she told me he confessed everything to her and that they DID have marital problems and they had been trying to work on it. She was not surprised that he did it, but was surprised at this most recent(2-3) because she thought they were really working on their marriage.

As far as I know there has been no contact. My wife changed her cell phone number but who's to say she can't use her work phone to call him at his work? I will never know that.

I have been off work since this happened. I am burning up my vacation and sick time to try and come to grips with this. I'm going to set up a MC session again and try to get some resolution and answers. All of you that are talking to me right now, your thoughts are REALLY appreciated.

So sorry you're part of this club no one wants to join.

Refusing to take a 2nd poly = lying outright or concealing something major. Sorry. There's no other explanation.

Her comment that OM is lying to save his own skin in telling you that it was physical also makes absolutely no logical sense. If he wanted to save his own skin, he would also insist there was nothing physical. She's gaslighting you big time. Don't fall for it.

Read up on the 180 here if you haven't already. Implement what you can of it. I know it's terribly difficult in these early days. Do the best you can for yourself right now. Breathe deeply and slowly whenever the feelings get too much. It sounds ridiculous, but it really does help just a little bit. Drink. Eat what you can. Go for a slow solitary walk whenever you can. Fill that prescription for sleeping pills, and use them to get some sleep. Keep reading and posting here. For now, achieving those things means you're doing well.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would recommend trying the anti-depressants and sleep meds. Right after D day, I took Paxil for the depression and Elavil for sleep. They helped me so much!

I know some people are afraid that meds like this will impact their ability to make decisions, but in my case, they did not. If anything, they took some of the edge off of a very awful period in my life and I was able to move forward with a D, which is exactly what I needed to do given my situation.

Big hugs and please continue to post. It really does help.

Hugs.

No advice but just to let you know that you are not alone. You will get through this a much stronger person. Thinking of you.