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I told my wife I was proud of her today. And I meant it. I should be proud of the integrety she showed in the end. It should never have come to this in the first place but it has and I have come to see the bravery it took for her to confess especially only 2 weeks after the A ended and having zero consequences for not confessing - I would never have found out otherwise. Especially since she had absolutely no support to do the right thing. Only 2 people new besides her - OM and toxic friend. OM even tried to convince her to take the total fall, to tell me she had the affair with some random guy she’d met at the bar and leave him out of it. Toxic friend told her before she started the affair that if it made her happy to go ahead and do it. Told her during the affair she seemed happier then when she was with me. Told her after the affair that she should never tell me. Told her after she decided she had to come clean that she was making a mistake. THE MISTAKE WAS THE AFFAIR YOU FUCKING HARPY(at toxic friend not WS)!

She is remorseful, repentant and committed to R. Against all her “friend’s” advice, she came clean. I feel lucky in a sense, I didn’t have to find disgusting texts or emails, I didn’t have a friend tell me that they saw my wife here when she told me she was there. My heart break was quick, almost merciful.

She has been completely open and honest since that day, not holding back details when I ask, not shifting blame, taking full responsibility but also seeking the reasons, seeking help. She is to be commended for her honesty, her commitment to truth and reconciliation. We are trying to heal and I have to admit I am overjoyed at the progress. It will be a long time before I can trust her again but I see at least that it is possible. To me this is amazing progress. I have begun to forgive her but this too will take much time and evidence for me to do fully. Toxic friend is gone and of WS own choice - I did not need to force the issue which gives me more hope. WS said she cannot be friends with someone that wants her to do the wrong thing and to lie for her in the process. She is in counseling for the issues we talked about before D-day – issues we know contributed to her rationalization during the affair. We are in counseling together as well and we continue to make progress everyday. Not every day is as good as today but every bad day is not as bad as the last one. I am cautious but hopeful.

Hi, just want you to be careful. OK

I am happy things are going well for the two of you right now. But you need to be sure that things are fixed right.

Sounds like good progress.

THE MISTAKE WAS THE AFFAIR YOU FUCKING HARPY

Is harpy a Stephen Harper dis? It made me laugh.

Just make sure to take care of yourself too and know that it really is a roller coaster- it often takes months to disclose all of the info or details. It is kind of like peeling an onion as the WS has new insights with greater depth as time goes on.

Tolmodur,

I am one of the 'lucky' ones in that my WH confessed (also two weeks after finishing the affair). He finished the affiar because OW was subtly and less subtly pressing for commitment and it was no longer the 'no strings' fun deal he had signed up for.

He confessed because I was concerned about him and was offering to relieve him of some work anxieties. His confession was not planned or thought-through or a positive commitment to honesty or change. It was merely a continuation of the 'care'-less and selfish thinking of the A: a 'here, have the full load of this' to relieved him of the stress of secrecy and guilt, to pass over the responsibility of his actions and their aftermath COMPLETELY onto me, as well as the responsibility of breaking the addiction, as well as partly seeking in some wierd childish way my permission to continue. The confession (made at the worst possible moment just before a 'happy family' christmas get-together was not that of a grown-up and done in grace, but rather that of a confused and frightened little boy needing his parent to fix 'it' (his feelings). The lack of empathy and compassion displayed in that single act (and in all the months thereafter) seriously caused me much doubt as to whether his self-awareness and emotional intelligence could ever reach a level that I could 'respect' and feel I was sharing life on an equal basis. I say all that not from a position on high as Mrs Judgy Judgemental Mrs Know-it-all: on the contrary, I did have sympathy and compassion for the deep dark pit he was in, and knew that I had to help him out of it (didn't offer a rope, just occasionally 'engineered' often invisibly some crossroad signposts). So I guess I did take on board the responsibility that was being asked of me. None of that affords me any pride or self-satisfaction or self-righteousness, either then or now. In fact, I knew then that my life-lesson was to divest myself a little of my sense of responsibility, and so if anything I am self-critical for not heeding that more fully.

Anyway, I am writing this not cynically nor to pour cold water on the motives for your WW's confession. On the contrary, her sense of remorse and cognisance of your pain seems genuine and profound, with none of the self-protective behaviour evinced by my WH. However, I get the sense she may get stuck or paralysed in shame, self-loathing and guilt, (and as you seem to be approaching this a s team), and so I am just encouraging you for both your sakes, and that of the marriage, not to become her therapist.

Apologies if this post is off the mark.

Dirk - believe me I know you are right. This is one of the few times I have felt like encouraging her so I thought it would help but I have no illisions about how long it's gonna take to get the trust back.

Ocean - LOL no not a Harper dis. A Harpy is a horrible female demon from greek mythology. Toxic frind just really pissed me off.

Edie - great advice and I take it to heart. I will be careful of this - I have been this to her many - too many - times since the begining of our marriage and do realize that professional help would likely have prevented all of this. Her username is Erica8 if you would like to read her perspective on the wayward forum. We have decided no more secrets, not even on here.

(((Tolmodur)))

I am one to always look hopefully at signs of remorse, total transparency etc. I would have loved for my H to have already ended the A prior to having the d-day that we did.

That being said, my H has gone to any length to do the very things you have mentioned your wife doing. I'm 10 months out and while it has been a painful journey, my H has made it possible for me to heal and be in a way that I would never have predicted day 1.

You will have your days of rage and anger and tremendous sadness. I always believe it is the WS responsibility to allow us BS to trudge through these things. I know as time goes on, the A has become very painful for my H as he has had to sit back knowing that where I find myself in any given day was served to me by him on his silver affair platter. We had a total blindside this week from the OW side (details in my post from Saturday). Be prepared for an OM not going quietly nor the toxic friend acting on the same page as you and your spouse.

Welcome to the Reconciliation board...sounds like a good start. Hold on tight for the roller coaster ahead of you. There is no way around it - it will come. Just know you are not alone and you will survive it!

[This message edited by liveandlearn47 at 7:55 AM, March 8th (Tuesday)]