SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok, I've been here long enough to know not to get too excited about signs of progress, but this seems significant to me. We're not finished by any means, but this is the most promising development yet.

Some of you may have read some recent posts of mine regarding the topic of forgiveness and my struggles with getting there. See, I didn't really ever think my WW had "gotten" it. She was rug-sweeping at best, and blame-shifting at worst (you know, the conversations that go "I know I did a bad thing, and you were hurt, BUT..." The sad thing is, as worn down about this as I am, I was inching toward accepting that as my fate should I choose to stay married.

Anyway, I decided last week to order Janis Spring's How Can I Forgive You? to see if it would help me get there. Looking for a miracle, you know? Well, after I added it to my Amazon cart, the genius gremlins on that website suggested another book, one I had not heard of yet: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald.

"Compact", huh? She probably won't read it, I thought, but at $9.05, what the hell? If nothing else, I could read it and get validation about all the necessary things I was missing, lol... So I ordered it.

My wife called me at the office Thursday to let me know a package had arrived, and I told her what it was and that I had ordered one for her as well.

At 1:54, she texted me that she had read 2 chapters. When I got home that evening, she was halfway through (it really is compact... ~100 pages) and it was like a different (but familiar) woman was in my home. A humble woman. A compassionate woman. A kind woman. And I'll go ahead and say it: a remorseful woman. WTH? For less than $10?

I never really knew what to look for when looking for remorse, you know? I fight a codependent streak a mile wide, and my WW has been in full-out selfish mode for some time, so I was willing to settle, seemingly. Well, not quite, because I was not at ease and things were not going that well, honestly.

Anyway, Friday afternoon rolls around and I get this text from her:

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You are constantly on my mind today! I'm reading and finally "getting it!"

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Now, I've heard some "words" before, but none like this. And the important thing is: we've had a couple of tough conversations in the last 24 hours, and she's not defensive, not attacking, being very contrite and remorseful... she has the word "humility" on her phone's to-do list and apologizes to me frequently for hurting me so badly. I really don't know what to think. It's like she's been reading on the Wayward Forum and she's channeling HUFI...

But seriously, what the hell is in that book?

Good when your done with it, send it to my WH!

Sounds like a book more WS should read. I hope it has lasting effects on your WW, and for your marriage.

Good when your done with it, send it to my WH!

Pfft... if this attitude sticks long-term, I'm having that sucker bronzed!

Hooray? I really hope it sticks; this sounds wonderful.

I have been trying to get my WH to read several books, but he has started reading Not Just Friends but didn't get very far. He did go with me to a marriage communication seminar and in recent weeks has been very good about opening up and talking about the A.

So I just ordered it for him WTH, it could be the right book at the right time. Thanks for the post.

I think "at the right time" is the key. My WW even admitted that she may not have even read it 4 months ago. Even when she read After the Affair and Not Just Friends, she did so in a pugilistic stance, almost arguing with the authors. I don't know if it'll help, but it can't hurt. And it seems to have worked wonders on my WW in the short term.

Time will be the ultimate judge, but I love what I see so far! Good luck to you. To all of us. "B" and "W" alike...

Just bought it! 100 pages should be easy for my husband or me to read to him...lol

GeauxTigers - BS here. Wow, I cannot believe the timing of your post. I did the exact same thing. EXACT. I bought the same Janis Spring book and I saw the recommendation from Amazon so I bought the How to Help your Spouse Heal From Your Affair book too for my WW. She hasn't read one article or book that I'd asked her to but i thought I'd take a flyer on this one since it's only 100 pages so she might find some interest in it.

She's almost done with it now and I cannot explain in the proper words how much change I've seen in her. She is remorseful, loving, she wants to talk about it, she has been crying a lot expressing how much she messed up. Wondering if I can ever forgive her.

I know it's only been a week since she started reading it, but I can honestly say I've seen change.

I was going to post a similar thread once she finishes it.

I highly recommend this book to all waywards.

I wonder if this would offer some insights to a my stbxaws who is now sober and finally manning up to his responsibilities. We will not be reconcilling, but have to parent 2 children together. I don't think he "gets it" when it come to the damage he has done to me and what it took for me to get to this point in my recovery. Definitely wishful thinking here, but I feel like we could co-parent better if I felt like he was truly remorseful and finally acknowledged the devastation that his behavior caused. Let me know if it is worth my perusal.

(eta - he is still with ow/gf so any affair partner bashing won't fly)

[This message edited by lorilook at 8:30 AM, March 13th (Sunday)]

@itsjustnotfair - wow, thanks for the confirmation that the book really soes have an impact. Its Sunday morning now, and she's still in an awesome state of mind. Cautiously optimistic now... she's said things like "I stole your ability to trust me, and I'm in it for the long haul. I'm going to work every day to earn that trust, to give you back what I stole."

@lorilook - not sure what's in it, but I'll let you know. Seems like the timing would be tough in your case since he's still with the OP, but hell, you never know. Good luck!

This is interesting Geaux, I see a pattern..not with her, but with the size of the book and timing.

I think they are getting the key points other than a saturated version of what they should feel and how they should be treating the BS.

The WS has a switched tripped in their brain that keeps them believing their own marital re-write. They have to vilify someone and deep down..let me say that again deep down They know they are wrong for doing what they are doing.

However they have gone into ultimate rebellion mode and it's all about me mode.

I get the vibe that your wife can be stubborn and hardset in her ways. It takes a lot to soften her because she puts up a front. But really she's not so tough and is easily ashamed, but will not let that be seen.

I think the timing and key points being hit got to the switch and tripped it back.

Hmmmm. I will be looking that book up.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 1:01 PM, March 13th (Sunday)]

Maybe so, FRM. I imagine even the most remorseful Wayward would be a bit overwhelmed if subjected to the enormity of damage they have done all at once.

As I said, it's only been a few days, so time will tell if it "sticks.". But as of right this moment, I'm absolutely blown away at the change in her. And not just the words, but her demeanor, her body language, and her overall spirit.

I don't want to get too far ahead of myself, its just a book and its only been a few days, but for the first time since D-Day, I actually can envsision getting a "real" marriage back...(at least one with her in it). I never really believed that before.

I'm definitely buying those books! Thanks much for posting!

Those are really really positive signs.

Hope it sticks Geaux, I really do. And thanks for sharing the title with us.

I have ordered the book - quite often WS will say something like "what can I do?" ie to make things better, but then he doesn't hear what I say. Maybe this will help, I really don't think it can hurt at this stage.

It is funny...My birthday was yesterday and a friend gave me an Amazon GC. I went on tonight and ordered that book and a few more similar to the topic. I figure wth right? It can't hurt. Thanks for putting it out there.

[This message edited by LisaReg at 8:01 PM, March 13th (Sunday)]

Oh man, the pressure's on now. Just know I'm not offering a money back guarantee!

Seriously though, I hope it helps.

(and Ms. MacDonald may want to consider an SI sponsorship slot if it does!)

Just ordered it! This is so timely for issues FWH and I are having with R. Thank you for sharing!!!!

Thanks for the recommendation! I just ordered the book on Amazon. I hope it gets here soon.