SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a while since I've posted...and last time I received (some deserved) 2x4s for some of my actions. I'm hoping to avoid 2x4s and get some sound advice BEFORE acting.

Here's the backstory:

Last week we went on a family vacation that had been planned pre-A. We decided to go ahead and go--try to just relax and enjoy time together. There were ups and downs, but overall I felt like the trip was promising. This week we had counseling together for the first time in at least 7-9 weeks (we had just been doing IC). I was glad to be in there; I was ready to report that I felt like we had a good time together and that we had overcome the small bumps of the week.

I completely lost it when our MC asked my BH if he had felt the same way about our activities. It broke my heart to hear from him (for the first time) that our time together was "nice" but there was no connection for him.

After some other discussion, our MC gently suggested that we consider separation as a way to grow and heal individually, then perhaps to come back and reassess.

I lost it, completely lost it. I used a whole box of kleenex. She encouraged us that we are not over, but that we cannot be stagnant in our relationship anymore. She pointed out many positives of the time to heal and grow.

I didn't get any sleep that night, and have gotten little since.

I have grieved, denied, yet I am not ready to accept. I want to fight this with every ounce of my being.

Tomorrow I'll take my munchkin back home after having him for the weekend (a good distraction). My husband and I are supposed to talk about the session for the first time. I don't know yet what his thoughts are--only that after MC he teared up to and decided not to go back to work. I wanted badly to be held and hold him--I almost got in the car in the middle of the night to let myself into the house.

I don't know what to do. Fight, give in, move on. I honestly don't know right now if my BH will ever be able to get over this. Part of our session included some discussion of events over the vacation, including some times where I felt like despite every effort by me, he refused to connect. Our MC asked if this happened before the A--I answered yes, that we both had discussed that we felt like we had trouble connecting with each other. She asked if I thought it contributed to the affair. I answered yes, especially since the OM gave so much attention. Sometimes I wonder if we were done before the A--but then I wonder if that's just making excuses and the easy way out.

What should I do tomorrow? Regardless of what outcomes and choices are made, what can I do that is best for him, for us, for me, for our child?

My H and took a weekend trip a couple of months after dday and it was SO hard. It felt weird- we wanted to reconnect, but he didn't trust me (obviously) and I was helpless to do anything to speed that process along.

Really, all you can do is be patient and humble and let your H see you doing the work. You say you don't know if he'll get over this. Hon, HE probably doesn't even know that. It's still very early on in your recovery.

I'm not sure your counselor is giving you the best advice. Separation works for some people, but I think it can also create more distance when what you need to be doing is closing that distance. Your H needs to see that you're in this for the long term. You may worry that he won't get through this, but people DO. It's just a long process and if he senses you worry about him "getting over it" that can cause some big damage to R. I would suggest that you do not word your fears to him in that way. Getting over it implies it's something easy to get over- that you want him to stop thinking about it. All WSes want that, but it's not realistic, nor is it fair to the BS trying to live through their pain.

Please... be patient and give him the time he needs to sort through things and begin to trust again. If you want R, you can't rush him. You might want to check out the book "Should I Stay or Go?" It is about controlled separation as a tool for preventing divorce. My BH and I both read it and it helped us see that neither of us wanted S or D.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Fallen at 12:20 AM, March 27th (Sunday)]

I understand how you feel, daylily80,

I am also terrified of separation. I want my BH to stay in our home and give us a chance. Witness the changes in me, and know that I'm there, where I'm meant to be, and not out running around or anything, behind his back.

I don't know if separation can be good for both people, some say it is. It just seems like a trial run for D. ??

My BH is still in our home at this point, but I could very well be in your shoes sometime soon...

Praying for the two of you

[This message edited by bewuzzled at 4:35 AM, March 27th (Sunday)]

daylily80 - It broke my heart to hear from him (for the first time) that our time together was "nice" but there was no connection for him.

I feel for you because this is one of those “consequences” that hits home with me too. Things that we do now are just different. It’s hard to pinpoint but for me, it’s when she uses the word relationship instead of the word marriage. Sort of like when your BH says you had a nice time together instead of a good time. It’s such a subtle change in the choice of a word but to the scared and fearful ear of a WS it has a very ominous ring to it. It heralds changes in our spouse’s feelings to us and to our marriage that is fearful to us.

daylily80 - My husband and I are supposed to talk about the session for the first time. ... What should I do tomorrow? Regardless of what outcomes and choices are made, what can I do that is best for him, for us, for me, for our child?

In some respects, you are very lucky to be having a conversation with your BH on this issue. For a lot of WS’s, the BS’s decision to separate was immediate and quite unilateral. So, in my opinion, the sheer fact that he is going to sit down with you and talk this over is a positive sign. It shows that he is still confused as to how he will respond to the pain that he feels. He loves you but you hurt him and that is the conflict that he is feeling.

So, be there for him tomorrow. Open up to him with your feelings and thoughts. Do this honestly and with all of your heart. Now is not the time to hold back saying something because you’re saving it for another time. If you love him, tell him. If you’re conflicted about how the affair makes you feel, let him know that too. Only by putting everything on the table will he be able to make a good decision and feel confident that he and you are making the right choice.

I wish that I could pump you up with false hope and send you on your way but you also have to be prepared that tomorrow’s conversation may signal the end of your marriage. Sometimes, the affair is a deal breaker from day one; it’s just that the BS hasn’t come to that conclusion yet. And yes, that is the ultimate consequence of our actions and so you can’t deny or hide from it. If that is the case, then you have to do what is right for your H and your child. You smile, grit your teeth and dig deep for courage and strength. You continue in IC and you show your H day by day that you are changing. You hold onto some faith and you move forward. After all, what else can you do?

Here is some mojo for a great conversation tomorrow!

HUFI

If you have lost hope, hold onto faith. When faith deserts you, hold onto sheer stubbornness and pigheadedness - HUFI