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The posts here have been really helpful. I am the WS and my husband and i's reconciliation is going fairly well. For the most part.

Sex has always been an issue in our marriage mostly with the lack of my libido. I am trying new ways to get aroused with him without the use of porn or thinking of my AP. He still is having a problem dealing with the fact that if I could get turned on with my ap than why not with him. I've explained to him about the dopamine rush etc. But he still thinks it can be a choice with me. I tell him my affairs were not about the sex but then he yells at me and says why then did you let those other men f#c% you?!?!

We are in MC but he is getting tired of re hashing things every week or 2 weeks with our mc. OUr mc insists that affairs dont happen in truly intimate marriages and while I see that he is relating to me differently than in the past and that in spite of my terrible actions we are growing closer and may actually have a better relationship than before the affair.

I told him this morning that he may be bottling up too much of his resentment and he says that he just cant deal with rehashing things and he doesnt believe he is acting any differently since the Affair.

I can bet your answer will be to continue to reassure him and be patient. Do I have the right to ask him to not yell? I know I deserve it but his yelling about me "turning it on" only creates resentment in me which is one of the reasons we had sex issues.

Even after a volatile night last night, he just called me to tell me to remember that he does love me and he wants to be there for me to help me heal. And to ask me to think positive and not let this spiral. I reassured him that I love him as well and told him I am truly remorseful and want to help him heal any way I can. But physically it is not the same for me as a woman. I cannot as he does, just think about how much he loves me to get me aroused. I just havent been in that habit before. Im trying but things dont change over night.

I havent told him however that I still have feelings for my AP. You see, I still work with him. We dont speak and barely interact. But if I'm honest with myself I still wonder why he seems over me. And why am I not over him? It was a very short affair, a month to be exact and he is reconciling with his wife. I am abhorred by the fact that I would have left my wonderful husband for him! I am plagued with thoughts about asking him how he can be over me. He is the one that said goodbye and that even tho he had feelings for me, a relationship based on lies and deciet is not a good foundation. Plus he knows how much my husband wants me. My husband has confronted him and threatened him with not talking to me. I have assured my husband that I wont have any contact with him. Of course, it is hard working around him but even when he is not at work and off on vacation, I am constantly thinking about him. WHY?????? My IC is working with me about the whys and trying to give me ways to conquer my need for excitement but it seems to be not working!!!!!!

Help!!!!!!

Even though I am the FWS with NO marriage to save, one of the most helpful things I ever read was the FIRST TWO CHAPTERS of NOT "Just Friends", by the late, great Dr. Shirley Glass.

Also read everything Maia has ever written here. Here's just one link: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=137622

Not to diminish the feelings you/we think are real - they FEEL real...down to the deep of our soul, and we question the reality of everything else.

I resisted for a long time the time-tested words of SI, but I have to admit, I'm a believer now.

There is no other way out but through, sadly.

As NB suggests, Maia's posts might be very helpful for you to read.

I imagine it has been asked in past posts of yours, but can you find a different job? You need to remove yourself physically and mentally from the vicinity of OM.

Is your BH here on SI? I think that there are huge differences in how men and women process things in a M, but sometimes those roles can be somewhat reversed, like the H being more able to talk about things than the W. In you case though, it sort of sounds like your BH is not able to comprehend or accept any other process for dealing with the A except to do what he is doing. Simply, he is angry and will be for some time.

You do have a right to ask him to stop yelling, if it is abusive, or in front of people or has been a pattern in your M that was part of the pre-A issues. You don't have to take it, but you need to be honest with yourself as to whether you are using his anger as an excuse to leave your M so you can continue to think about all the good things you feel about your OM.

You really need to work on that though, getting OM out of your head. You really aren't giving your BH an honest chance if the OM is taking up all of your mental and emotional energy. Time and distance will help that.

Also, and it will likely be painful for both of you, you should consider telling your BH about your struggles. Yes he is hurting. No he can't heal you or fix you. But turning to each other instead of keeping things inside may be what sets you both on the path forward.

He still is having a problem dealing with the fact that if I could get turned on with my ap than why not with him. I've explained to him about the dopamine rush etc.

It may not be the dopamine aspect for you as much as the lack of intimacy.

I'm a child SAB survivor as well and intimacy has always been very difficult for me as it was linked to excrutiating pain.

A dinner with someone can actually be more intimate that physically sharing my body with someone.

I'm working through that successfully but I'm thinking that your level of intimacy you're achieving with your husband, even if it isn't to a healhty stage is actually working against your sexuality as it's becoming far too invasive for your comfort level.

The intimacy achieved through affairs is often self created and controled by ourselves so therefore very safe. The OP only sees what we show them and what we choose for them to be privy to, whereas our spouse lives with us daily and gets to know us for more realistically.

I'm so glad you're in IC.

Do I have the right to ask him to not yell? I know I deserve it but his yelling about me "turning it on" only creates resentment in me which is one of the reasons we had sex issues.

Based on what you've written in this post, I'm very much doubting that resentment is the problem behind your sex issues as porn and AP thoughts are using very "safe" non-intimate things to stimulate you.

Also, if a little yelling is all he's doing, not thinking that is something that should be mentioned.

(((lotsofhope)))

I have read that it is impossible to reconcile if there is any continued contact with the OM. Thye liken it to an alcoholic working around booze or something.

Obviously, this guy coming into your field of vision, occassionally is causing you to continue to have feelings for him. You need to leave your job and maybe your community.

Another thing about your post that struck me is that your ego seems very involved in this concern over how the guy could be over you. All breakups seem to have this element in the one dumped. And, again, just as in a typical, non cheating relationship, it really helps the dumpee not to have to see the other person.

Why is it that you have not taken monumental steps to get new employment? Where is your priority?

[This message edited by reggie at 10:57 AM, March 31st (Thursday)]

Thanks everyone. YES MY EGO IS DEFINITELY INVOLVED!!!

I thought about leaving my job but there just isn't any opportunity elsewhere. I thought I had it licked for awhile there but it has resurfaced. But I may have to quit if this continues. But I think about the OM even when I am not at work or when he is not at work. We don't always work the same days.

uncertainone:

Also, if a little yelling is all he's doing, not thinking that is something that should be mentioned.

I don't understand this post. Do you mean I shouldn't worry about a little yelling?

Yes, as long as it's not accompanied by violence or intimidation coupled with abusive name calling.

Your post didn't indicate that that was the situation, thank goodness

[This message edited by uncertainone at 11:49 AM, March 31st (Thursday)]

You need to do mmore research. where did you get the idea that you could 'lick" this , when you continue to see the guy.

Let's leave out the effect your continued contact with the guy is having on your poor H. Isn't now obvious to you that you need to vacate the premises, pronto.

Yeah, you still think about the guy away from work. But, you get the occassional fix at work that drives the offsite fantasizing. Pretty simle. You need to get a new place of employment, now.

I am constantly thinking about him. WHY??????

1. Because you still work with him.

2. Because you're hung up on how the OM could 'just get over you' the way he seemed to.

I am plagued with thoughts about asking him how he can be over me

Speaking from my own personal experience with my WH, it looks like the OM got over you when reality hit him. Dday forced him to compare the feelings he had for you to the feelings he had for his BW. Those feelings didn't compare.

Whatever strong feelings you shared were of the moment and unsustainable. It allowed him to turn away from you.

There's so much information to read on A's and what they are and what the feelings mean. You're doing yourself, your BH and your M a disservice by being stuck on how the AP was able to get over you so easily.

But I may have to quit if this continues

IMO, you need to let your BH know how you feel so that he can make decisions for his future. Right now he's battling the unknown just like he was when you were involved in the A...I mean, you're still very much involved in the A even if it's one sided.

[This message edited by lotsofhope at 1:07 AM, April 1st (Friday)]

SAB survivor here. It really screws one up, which is really unfair.

Rather than get all psychological and delve into thos issues and what the abuse did to you(you can do that later), just do something practical that works_Leave your job , now. You do not have to understand how a telephone works to use it. Leave the deep seated stuff for later. Stop gazing upon this guy and stop exposing your H to more trauma.

I'd say NC is a must to recover (NC = no new hurts).

Anger and yelling is an expression of his hurt. However, he has to deal with it in a healthier way. Is he in IC? That'd help him.

It's also a vicious cycle. You have feelings for the AP, which hurts him, which makes him yell and be angry.

It's hard, but he must realize he should show his hurt to you and share, and you must let the AP go.

Showing his hurt to you makes him vulnerable again, so anger and yelling is easier. Although I did not yell, it took a long time for me to deal with my anger and realize I just did not want to be vulnerable to my FWW again.

Unfortunately we can't really love without being vulnerable.

What is sab? I did suffer childhood sex abuse by my older brother whom I love. Intimacy issues may be it.

Because I agree, a nice dinner or conversation would be very intimate.. But I do get that with my husband!

Exactly, and because of the level of intimacy you've achieved with your husband it could be triggering the SAB and feeling rather incetuous.

The porn and AP interjects a detachment that may allow you to be "purely" sexual.

It's a fucked dynamic, no lie and takes a very competent IC to help with.

It can be breached though and successfully.

I agree with everyone else...get away from the OM completely to get some clarity and perspective.

You say you are in MC. Could you bring up the fact that you still have feelings for AP in MC? It might go along way to completely break with the fantasy about the AP and the A.

My WH sometimes gets frustrated with what he terms re-hashing things too. But it is my opinion that my WH is not wanting to dig too deep yet and he feels that we are re-hashing things because we are still scratching at the surface.

I know my WH is still holding some things back (not the history of the A but what he is currently feeling), and it is frustrating for me. Could that be what is happening with your BW?

This is not an easy road. Be patient.

But if I'm honest with myself I still wonder why he seems over me... I am plagued with thoughts about asking him how he can be over me. He is the one that said goodbye and that even tho he had feelings for me... Plus he knows how much my husband wants me.

I want you to understand that I'm saying this in the nicest way possible.

You were convenient to your AP and you spread your legs for him. He has no respect for you. If he had respect for you he would not have screwed around with you to begin with. He didn't respect you as a woman, as a wife, as a mother or as a coworker. AND he certainly doesn't respect your husband or he wouldn't have fucked his wife. If he had any respect at all he never would have fucked you. He's "over you" because it really wasn't anything more than a booty call. You were an easy lay.

I read your profile.

Who called who for the last goodbye hurrah?

OUr mc insists that affairs dont happen in truly intimate marriages

I'm of the camp that thinks this is bullshit. You made a choice to cheat. While every marriage has problems, it is not ever the "reason" (IMHO) that you cheat. Marriage "problems" make a handy excuse.

It sounds as if the MC and you are rehashing "Problems in the marriage b/4 the A". (I'm sorry if I'm reading that wrong.) Doing the rehash of the b/4 the A marriage can lead some BSes to feeling like the WS is blame-shifting.

I'm not saying that you both shouldn't be working on the marriage. It's huge that your BH is trying to work with you on this.

I would be very careful about pushing your BH to heal the way that you or your MC wants him to. He has to find his own way through this.

IMHO, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. Intensive work, before you start looking for your BH to "change". You say he's acting differently now than b/4 the A. Ask yourself if he is really acting different or if YOU are? Are you just now noticing your BH?

Personally, my mind was a twisted, inside out mess. I finally got my cranial extraction complete. I found a lot of what "I thought" was my skewed perception and not reality at all. A lot of my resentment was based on misinterpretation, bad communication and my own insecurities.

There is a lot of good information available here on SI and there are lists of books available here as well.

Take a read through the "Sexual Abuse Survivors/Spouses of SAB's" thread in "I can relate".

Good luck.

[This message edited by wincings_sparkle at 8:04 PM, March 31st (Thursday)]

I'm of the camp that thinks this is bullshit. You made a choice to cheat. While every marriage has problems, it is not ever the "reason" (IMHO) that you cheat

That's not what the MC said. She said that affairs don't happen in truly intimate marraiges.

I believe there is a lot of truth in that statement. It's not an excuse or a way to blame shift or not own it as it is many times the WS that is the inception of the intimacy issues.

I believe that in order to be intimate with someone we must be truly authentic, open, honest and transparent. That's the only environment that intimacy flourishes. That is the very antithesis of what happens during an affair.

I think this should be the focus of MC as the intimacy problems in the marriage existed far before the affair and need to be addressed and worked through so you can open up to your husband and truly be a partner to him.

The only way this can happen is if you sever ALL ties with the OM and that means no contact whatsoever.

You need to dig deep in yourself and also discover what thought processes you have that enabled you to view an affair as an acceptable choice.

IMO, you need to let your BH know how you feel so that he can make decisions for his future. Right now he's battling the unknown just like he was when you were involved in the A...I mean, you're still very much involved in the A even if it's one sided.

I completely agree with this.

Talk to him. Open up to him and be completely honest with him. He deserves nothing less.

I am beginning to think you are a person who is a victim of "addictive personality".

You like the guilty pleasure rush and that is not healthy for your marriage.

You must...must...must change jobs as soon as possible. It appears your self-will is not going to last in this scenario. You cannot get over your AP if you see them at work..even sporadically at work. People who do work with their affair partner and manage to keep distance and interaction to business only, are very relieved when they get out of that situation.

I believe if he had not stopped this..you would still be stealing away with him if he requested. If I am wrong..I will apologize, but am I?

If I am not..you working their will make it very difficult to reconcile.

Of course, it is hard working around him but even when he is not at work and off on vacation, I am constantly thinking about him. WHY??????

You are thinking about him because HE is the one that ended it- not you.

It's human nature- you want and value what you don't have. Your husband's love is something you already have, so you don't have to "earn" it. It's taken for granted and this happens to everyone (men and women) to a certain degree.

Meanwhile, the sudden departure of the OM's affection engenders feelings of loss and grief. It was suddenly taken away from you, so you yearn for it. The best thing to do is realize the cause of your feelings and make a conscious decision not take your husband for granted

Flaredman: yes you are right. I do have an addictive personality for sure.

Tonight we hit another low to this roller coaster. BH had been doing so well. He really has been amazing by dealing with his anger and love for me. I expressed my thoughts of intimacy issues and that made him angry thinking that our whole marriage has been a lie. I told him no. Yes we had issues in the early years but my shit didn't start until 2008, after 22 years of marriage. A strong faith and commitment to being a good mom kept me out of harms way I believe. And suppressed it obviously. I hadnt even thought of the SAB until my first affair in 2008. But I also had depression issues and some addiction issues with alcohol and smoking. Addiction issues run in my family. I've been on anti-depressants for 17 years and my BH saw me through some very tough times. Sometimes patiently, sometimes not but he was doing his best and I'm thankful for that. And I have expressed that as well.

Tonight he has been using abusive name calling to vent his anger. And I get it! I deserve it! But I also know it's not a safe way to deal so I've moved to another bedroom for the night. Its only the 3rd time we have not slept in the same bed since dday #1, just 3 months.

Sorry to be rambling. And I wish I could be better at expressing my gratitude for all the responses. It's late and I'm going to try to sum up what I've learned from today's posts.

1. I have a lot more IC to do. I think I need a new IC as I don't feel like im making any progress any more like i was initially. I need to work on why i could believe cheating was an acceptable behavior. I need help with my addictive personality.

2. Leave my job! Problem: just as I was summing up the courage to believe it's true that I must, BH tells me tonight that I cant quit bc he may have to quit his job as he is so emotionally overwhelmed with his struggles to work effectively. Sure get another job if you can find one but don't quit this one first, he says. Ahhhhh

3. We need a sex counselor as well. I have owned up to my shit. I am the one in this marriage who has the issues. Initmacy, SAB issues, Catholic guilt, you name it I got it. BH is willing and the job will be finding a competent one.

4. I need to remind myself constantly of the facts of affair feelings. They are not real! My BH and I love each other despite it all and we can get through this with god's grace. I will start wearing my rubber band again to snap it each time I think of OM.

5. Be careful about pushing my BH to heal my way. Let him find his own way. Prevent him from feeling like blame shifting. Never take him for granted.

6. And FINALLY AND MOST IMPORTANT, I need my faith back. Because only God can help me now. At the risk of sounding helpless, "I can do all things through Christ." When I was truly committed to my faith for many many years, I was supernaturally protected from my past. Now I am just flailing out there in the sea of evil. Because I have turned away. I turned away from God because I was ashamed. Ashamed because of my feelings. Ashamed because of how I acted on them. I am still turning away from God because the pain is so deep realizing the hurt i've caused to my family.

7. And I almost forgot: Read Maia's posts. At first glance, it looks really helpful. My problem is time to be on SI. My husband is wary of it. So I get 20 minutes here and there. :(

[This message edited by lotsofhope at 3:10 AM, April 1st (Friday)]

Because I have turned away.

I turned away from God because I was ashamed. Ashamed because of my feelings. Ashamed because of how I acted on them. I am still turning away from God because the pain is so deep realizing the hurt i've caused to my family.

Since you are a woman of Faith, I will say this to you:

You are doing the opposite of what you should.

God knows all your character flaws..all your weaknesses..all your transgressions.He loves you anyway. He sees what you can be, not who you are now, but who He has made you to be.

Turning away from Him is saying He can't handle your problem.

He says this:

Matthew 11:29-30 (New King James Version)

29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Which says come to me and I will and can help you and it will not be burdensome. Just learn from me..don't turn from me.