SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

bewuzzled - What does it mean to be "in love"?

I think that if you have to post that question, then you already feel on a gut level that the "love" within your relationship is different from what it was before.

I would like to share something that I read in the book, The Rules of Life by Richard Templar on knowing where true happiness (love) comes from which might illustrate another view to this.

“I’m not about to reveal the secret people have sought since time began, where does true happiness come from. But I do know where it isn’t to be found. And I do have inkling where it might be. Let’s take a scenario. You go out and buy a new car/house/suit/computer/whatever turns you on. You have the money and you buy whatever and it makes you feel incredible/happy/excited and fantastic. Now imagine whoever it was that built/made/created whatever it was that you bought. When they made it, where did they fit that feeling in? I don’t think that they packaged some joy/euphoria/happy time inside the product did they?

I think you might have brought that feeling with you.

Now imagine that you fall in love. It is again an incredible experience. You feel fantastic, happy and excited. You go to meet your new love and when you see them, that feeling spills out in all directions. You fee amazing when you are with them and they are generating that feeling. Right?

Wrong! Again you brought it all with you. You may look to them to trigger it but even if they go to the other end of the planet, you’ll still have that feeling and they’re nowhere near you.

I think you might have brought that feeling with you. The secret is knowing how to trigger that feeling without anyone else or anything else being involved. No, I don’t know that secret. You have to find that one for yourself. Clue. It’s the one place that you never think of looking at, yep, right inside you.

When I hear the words " I still love you" in any post affair conversation, the phrase seems to speak to me of the words "duty, responsibility and an acknowledgement that you have shared experiences and you get along and care about the other person" but it doesn't talk of "being in" love.

The words "in love" with someone seems to talk of passion, of happiness and joyful smiles and a gladness within that needs to explode out. And one of the saddest things that happen post affair is that the love that may have existed changes wholly and completely. The loss of that “happiness within” is another one of the consequences of the affair. Broken trust, faith and the devastation of a marriage will do that.

Burntashes - “In love” is a fragile thing. I’m not sure how to bring that back.

I think that if you reflect on the article above, you will come to see that this “being in love” thing is something that your BS has to come to terms with on their own. Yes, you can establish some foundations such s trust, honesty and intimacy, but in truth, the "falling in love" part has to come from your BS. I’m not sure if it comes despite their broken heart or whether comes because of a healed heart.

Either way, from my own experience, I know that LF loves me but I also feel on this fundamental gut level that her feelings for me are 100% different from the way it was before the affair. She “loves me” but struggles with the “being in love” part.

HUFI

Dr. Helen Fisher, anthropologist at Rutgers, did a study where she put people who claimed to be in love into an MRI to study the effects of love on the brain.

She talks about the differences between lust, romantic love, and deep attachment to a long term partner. She says they can exist in combination or alone. She also says that it is possible to feel them for different people at the same time.

You can watch her talks at ted.com. i really enjoyed them and found them very informative.

Boudicca, I love her work and her books!!! She an awesome speaker too.

[This message edited by Mrs.Confused at 2:39 PM, April 2nd (Saturday)]

the "falling in love" part has to come from your BS.

I agree. Pre-dday, when I didn't exactly felt his love or loving actions were somehow lacking (because of hectic work schedules, studying for professional exams, etc) the memories of what I thought were his loving actions and my loving actions/feelings from before sustained my "in love" feelings. So I do agree that part of sustaining "in love" feelings were because of me.

Love this string thanks everyone for the insight i wanted to ask the same question and i agree that things change after the A however things can also change before the A and the A can be because of he lack of love you feel while your looking for that feeling.......just a thought

I honestly feel they don't have to subside. I know I've read that it's based on chemicals and that it only lasts 2 years, but I know of 3 couples right now IRL that put the lie to that. They're still head over heels in love with each other after 10, 12, and 20 years of marriage.

Even in a marriage where the couple is head over heels, the romantic feelings wax and wane.

Honestly, I was madly in love with my WH for 17 years. There were days it was overwhelming passion, and days it just felt sweet and comfortable. The romantic feelings were always there, but the intensity varied. The stresses of everyday life influence our feelings about everything.

ETA

UO,

Glad to find another Helen Fisher fan! I want to be Helen Fisher when I grow up!

[This message edited by boudicca at 12:40 PM, April 2nd (Saturday)]

And TED fans! Yay!!

boudicca, I totally agree with that. In fact I think is the knowledge and acceptance of the "waxing and waning" of those feelings that plays into the successes.

Love is many things but one thing it is is an emotion and just like many emotions it's fleeting in it's emotional "state" but just as there is custodial responses needed for many emotions I think the continued effort, respect, care, prioritizing plays a huge role in the process

In fact I think is the knowledge and acceptance of the "waxing and waning" of those feelings that plays into the successes.

This is it in a nutshell. Feelings are fluid like water, but they are more like an ocean than a still lake. They move and change, but they don't disappear.

Some people think their ocean of love has dried up when it is low tide. Sometimes you just need to wait. The moon will do her magic, and you will be in deep water again before you know it.

I am a BIG CHEESEBALL TODAY!

Inchoate, ted IS awesome. Watch the Mary Roach talk on orgasm if you want an entertaining 20 minutes!

ETA

I don't want to discount the fact that sometimes, when your world is turned upside down, the ocean can empty. Sometimes love does disappear. Also, sometimes maybe the love wasn't there to begin with. Maybe it was something entirely different.

[This message edited by boudicca at 1:04 PM, April 2nd (Saturday)]

Someone in a previous response made a comment about the WS having to woo the BS. I believe this is key. Many WS's do not consider this and it could go a long way in reconciling. In my case, I was always in love with my husband. I don't really know if he felt the same way about me and now cannot even imagine how he could have been and still have an affair. I don't think that people who are "in love" with their spouses have affairs. I think that spouses who cheat may, and often do, "love their wives or husbands but are not doing the work it takes to be actively "in love" with them. I know that if my WH had tried to woo me back, kept up trying to win me back, things would have gone much better. He does not try very hard. That is the key. If a WS was pulling out all the stops and putting a maximum amount of energy into his BS, there would be many more successful reconciliations. My heart would begin to warm over time if my husband had consistently attempted to really dig deep for me. To show how important I was. To show me that HE was "in love" with me. That is the responsibility of the WS.

Unfortunately, many of us who find ourselves in the position of BS were often the ones putting in the effort with the marriage all alaong. That was our role. We were the ones making plans and trying to keep things going. After this kind of betrayal, we lose interest in keeping this part of our marriage alive. Many of us are just trying to survive. An affair has damaged us and we are just trying to keep our heads above water. There is NOTHING LEFT OF US for keeping romance alive. That must be done by the WS. End of story. If it is left to us, it will not happen.

Bewuzzled, I hope you don't take this the wrong way and can listen to this advise intently if you plan to heal your husband's broken heart. It is your job, at this point in R, to work at this "in love" piece. How can anyone be in love with someone who has done this to them? Spouses who have involved themselves with another person that is not their spouse crush their marriages. This is Trauma. It is very difficult to recover.

My WH has not put in the effort. I don't feel that I am worth his efforts, so therefore the "in love" part of our relationship is gone. Even after 2 plus years, he could make it come back for me. I have asked and explained what I need. He understands what I need. He knows I will always love him.. he has been part of me for a long time and we have a child together. I will always be connected to him in some way. But I am not "in love" with him right now.

It gets harder as time passes to even remember what that was like.

I'm not sure what "in love" really means. I do know that I love fwh deeply but in a different way than I loved him prior to dday.

My love prior to dday was nonrestrained because I fully trusted fwh with my heart...my heart felt safe with fwh...now I know fwh is very capable of throwing my love away with yesterday's garbage...fwh took my love for granted and traded it in for cheap moments with a skank.

How can I trust my heart (fully) with fwh again?

Now, I don't expect I will feel "in love" again anytime soon, but I hope to feel those wonderful feelings again for fwh.

I can't allow myself to feel free, safe, and "in love" with someone that enjoyed putting the proverbial knife in my back...time and again.

In a nut shell...I afraid to be in love with fwh again...sad but true. My love is restrained and filtered through the eyes and heart of a betrayed spouse now. I don't know how to change that.

In fact I think is the knowledge and acceptance of the "waxing and waning" of those feelings that plays into the successes.

Feelings are fluid like water, but they are more like an ocean than a still lake.

i call myself a happy person...though i have had periods of great suffering, and experienced a range of emotions i never knew existed, good and bad.

to say i spent a life time in love with a spouse, to me, would never imply that the "rush" chemicals were there everyday. how would we ever get anything done in this world? i was "lovesick" with WH when we first fell...useless! i almost couldn't wait for it to be over so we could get to the "real" part.

to say i spent a life time in love with a spouse, to me, would never imply that the "rush" chemicals were there everyday. how would we ever get anything done in this world? i was "lovesick" with WH when we first fell...useless! i almost couldn't wait for it to be over so we could get to the "real" part.

I think it is all real. The lovesick part where you can't concentrate on anything else mostly subsides.

I have to say that i still work better when my husband is not right next to me. If he is near me, I want to touch him and look at him, so we have different offices. I still kind of pine for him if he is gone for a few days.

It isn't that dreamy, can't ever focus, new love feeling, but it is a deeper , more stable variation of it.

That sounds lovely. You are very fortunate.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts in this topic.

I've been thinking that this may be the most difficult thing about my A to accept. The way that I have altered our love forever. The innocent, "one and only" love that we shared for so long is gone. It is replaced by doubt, fear, and uncertainties. And it's so hard for me to know that he loves me, but that he may not want me anymore. I may have broken us beyond all repair.

But he still lives in our home, we are still talking, and I will keep trying to glue the pieces back together for as long as he'll let me.

I wonder most days if we could ever fall into love again with each other, in time. Is it possible the love we find post A could be even better than what it was? Thats what the MC's seem to think. That couples can actually come out of this 100% better than going in. I so hope this is true. I can't see it right now, but I hold on to the chance.

That sounds lovely. You are very fortunate.

Inchoate, I know that I am.

Now go watch that Mary Roach TED talk!

I asked Bewuzzled if she wanted me to reply in this and she said "please do" - I've been Meaning to since she started the thread unfortunately procrastination is on of my many strong points So without further ado...I still love her immensely in the "I care about you and your well being" part. I also am still "in-love" with her. But the betrayal has diminished that. I'm not sure to what degree (I'm not sure that I can be sure that I'm sure about anything these days...) but to what degree I just don't know. I did correct myself and tell her that its not that I'm not "in-love" with her but she took the former and kinda ran with it. Seems as if I say or do something it ends up a thread here in some capacity...anyway thought I'd just attempt to clarify where I was trying to get with her.