This is something I have been trying to get my head around for some time. I truly believe that there are many reasons why they lie from reading here. Some may fit your WS some may not, but understanding some of this lessened the power of the lies for me. I wrote this about a month ago. Why do WS’s lie? There are many answers the first being the simplest: it’s easy. Affairs are built on lies, and most WS’s are pretty good at it. Many WS’s have known nothing but lies, they have learned to lie at a very early age. Many as children perfected the lie to avoid getting into trouble, dodging punishment, make themselves feel better. Some grow up in environments where they are taught and encouraged to lie to protect another’s feelings, their parents teach them how to tell these white lies early in life. For example, “Tell Aunt Pat she looks great in those jeans.” . But by the time most WS’s are adults, lying is second nature. In fact, I believe they become best at lying to themselves. This is more insidious and problematic as it becomes part of their natural coping skills under duress.
There is a component of the WS’s lies that are about control. Many WS’s desperately want to control how others see them, and they don’t want anyone to see them for who they really are. In fact, they are scared of who they are and they even want to control how they see themselves. I believe with my WW she would lie to appear more agreeable and to impress others in a social situations. In effect, they want to elevate their self-esteem. Once the Wayward self-esteem is threatened, They tend to lie. They will lie about just about everything, the kind of life they have, where they live, and how much money they make, how their spouse treats them. After the affair is exposed these control oriented liars tend to TT, a lie of omission as easily as just lie. WS’s attempt to control the fall out of the affair, and when they cant exercise control over the fall-out they can’t tell the truth. They want to be in control how things should be in this reconciliation, in thier mind they still want to “manage” this, and they do it with the tool they know best, lies. They try the “tell what my BS wants to hear” game. They tell a lie, choose words could put themselves in a better light or choose an answer that is going to help keep your BS quiet for more time.
Another reason for their lies besides control is FEAR. They fear that with the ugly truths out the fall out of the affair will be worse than what is known. They again lie to themselves, tell themselves my BS doesn’t need to know about the oral sex that is not important, BS already knows I had sex once and that’s all BS needs to know. They are afraid if you know the real person they were in the affair that again you will be gone and they can’t relinquish the control over the outcome.
Many WS’s also TT or lie because they are massive conflict avoiders. They cant stand to be in opposition to another. Either they have an inferiority issue that doesn’t allow them to engage the conflict or they have FOO issues where conflicts usually = violence, but conflict avoidance is best handled with a lie, don’t allow the disagreement to happen in the first place. Many WS’s fear conflict more than they fear themselves, so they lie to avoid the issue.
Then there are the WS’s that are pathological liars. A pathological liar is a liar who believes the lies he is telling, the WS manages to convince themselves they are true, in comparison to a compulsive liar who will lie for any reason, and knows they are lies but apparently can't stop himself from doing so. Pathologic liars don’t see their lies, a pathological liar may not know that they lie, they may believe themselves to be as honest and trustworthy as anyone else. Some of them actually believe their own lies until someone can show them proof that they are wrong. The sad truth is that most pathologic liars lie to build themselves up because of feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.
Point is there are many reasons for the lies and TT related to the affair. Not many of them made sense to me, but I quickly realized none of them were about me. They all point to a broken spouse. TT is chiefly that, the spouse even after the affair is uncovered is so broken they cant even be honest with themselves about what happened. They are by definition not owning their shit!. Which brings me to the ramifications on the BS?
As BS’s the lies are the hardest part, they are the tools of the devil. They destroy all that a marriage is founded on honesty, love, intimacy and trust. Being dishonest about the affair only serves as another SI poster stated as “roundup on the marriage, it kills everything”. As I have said before “From complete honesty up sprouts small shoots of trust, intimacy, and healing.” It's difficult to stay in love with one another when we discover they are dishonest about things that matter. Lies makes us question our own reality, are we BS’s nuts? We feel that way, we have no center, no firm ground to stand on. I know this because my WW was not honest, and all the TT makes me question reality even today. Lies and deception have driven a gaping hole in our relationship. My WW destroyed the love, trust, and intimacy in our relationship with the inability to be honest with me and herself.
I hope this helps BS’s get their minds around why their WS might be lying and WS’s understand that they are killing the love, intimacy and trust that any health relationship.
