SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This may be TMI but in asking all my questions about this A, I found out that the OM was WELL above average, if you know what I mean?

Since this discusssion I have had such a low self esteem. I can't stand to be naked in front of my wife. I don't want her to see me shower, dry off, get dressed etc... I literally hide my body from her. When we are intimate I am so overly concerned with the whole "is it good enough, is she satisfied, is she comparing me to him". I get very uncomfortable during sex, sometimes forcing myself to get through it so she doesn't think something is wrong.

I used to be a very outgoing, self confident and motivated person. This hell I am in is overwhelming. I question EVERYTHING I do now.

Yes.....you are not alone. I don't know the specifics of the OM, and I'm terrified to know. I feel exactly the same way you do about being uncomfortable in front of my wife, and unfortunately, 13 YEARS LATER, I still feel the same. Truthfully, I think I always had a shyness about that, but since the A, it's been so much worse.

While your specific tale isn't universal, I think the insecurities you talk about are. My albatross is oral sex. Apparently he was quite talented. Damn. I like performing oral sex. Always have, and I always thought I was pretty good at it, too. Later, to "soften the blow" she said "well, he's been single his whole life and is a sex addict... he's had more practice."

Well who the HELL's fault do you think THAT is? I've only been with her the last 20 years, and she had become more and more unwilling to grant me practice time! Maybe I should find my own pet SA so I can bring home some new tricks for her? (I kid, I kid)

Sigh... anyway, I still like it, but the "competition" sure puts a damper on the mood.

So how do you NOT ask yourself "am I good enough?" "is she enjoying this as much" etc...? Its both normal and extemely hard to deal with, but I wish I knew. I'm over a year out, R is going well, and I still have at least a passing thought on this in every sexual encounter we have together, particularly when oral is involved. (I'm still pretty confident when I'm on my own )

Anyway, its a cruel, tragic relic of a nearly unbearable situation. Most cruel because you (and I) are the injured parties already. The phrase "adding insult to injury" must have been coined by a BS. I think its in the WS handbook.

This is something that I think every BH is going to wonder about, the whole "is she really happy with me?".

Well, to me the best answer to this is who is she with? Some things you can control, some things you can't. Worry about the things you can control.

As far as any wife, wayward or otherwise, belittling a husbands performance after the fact, well, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, Lady. If there's something she'd like from me, all she has to do is ask. She can't blame me if she never did.

so she doesn't think something is wrong.

If you are trying to R, why doesn't she know that something is wrong? Hiding your hurts and fears from her won't help either of you.

Dude, it is not how big it is but how you use it.

Sorry TMI:

I have been told by women that a really "big" guy cannot fully insert if the end of his penis touches the back of her vagina (and can hurt/ cause injury if not careful), and being fully inserted with pubic regions rubbing gives the best feelings to most women as the most sensitive area is near the front, not deep in back.

Your 'angle of attack' can also cause very different and strong sensations too, so experiment.

If it helps, just like how men can get insecure over size, women can too...

They can worry about how 'tight' they are.

This may not be helpful but

if she goes on about how 'big' he was, maybe you could point out how 'tight' a previous partner was, or maybe point out any loss of elasticity.

Again not recommended if you want to R though.

However keep the above in mind and like C64D said, who is she with at the end of the day? You must be doing something right.

PR

Although your title asks about BH experience, I want to say that I am a BW and I think "am I good enough" often and spent a long time hiding my body due to the affair.

I just read your 4 posts.

I do not think you can truly heal if you are hiding so many things from her. She needs to understand that while she might be over the affair, you most definitely are not. And she has a responsibility to help you heal by giving you what YOU need and NOT what she wants to give.

The key to it all is COMMUNICATION. Honest, open and both ways. She may not like it and get upset by what you say but guess what? You are even more upset and hurt by her having had an affair.

She has never outwardly or openly compared. It only came up when I asked the "was he better than me" question. This is I am sure my own insecurities but I don't know how to deal with this self caused shame. And (wifehad5) I guess I have become good at masking feelings, maybe too good

I read your other posts too, fyrman. Your WW wants to rugsweep. Common instinctive reaction, but she needs to understand it won't work. The damage is too great.

The good news is: she may be out of the fog and it sounds like she's willing to work. You said she doesn't like you reading here b/c it keeps you from "moving on". Perhaps the problem isn't you reading too much but her not reading enough. Has she read "Not Just Friends"? She should. Also, my WW had a HUGE breakthrough after reading "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From An Affair" by Linda MacDonald. Its about $10 on Amazon, and less than 100 pages long. I wish my thread about it was still up here so you could read it. It was an amazing transformation.

Anyway, no matter the tool, she has to do some (a lot) of work to help you "move on", unless she's prepared for you to "move on" without her. This shit doesn't go away on its own...

Good luck, my man.

As a women I am going to say that size does not matter. The average penis size is 3-5 inches and the vagina is only 3 inches deep which will expand to accommodate a larger penis. So all you really need is 3 inches.

Before I was married I was wild and young and experienced alot of casual sex. My H is the smallest person I have been with and he is also the best lover I have had.

What you are experiencing is self doubt. I do it too. The betrayl of what we have been through is big and tramatic.

I hope you feel better about this soon.

I have been hunting for "rugsweeping" and I can't find a definition for what it really is. I have seen it referred to in several posts but what is it?

It's not so much that he was bigger as it is that I am so overly uncomfortable with me now. If I think she is looking or can see me I almost have an anxiety attack, can't cover up fast enough. Man this sux...

Sorry fyrman, "rugsweeping" refers to the old idiom of "sweeping things under the rug" in the hope that you can be done with it, no one will notice, and you don't actually have to do any real cleaning.

Dr. Drew (some like him, some hate him) says that most women do not care about size and it really doesn't make a difference in the satisfaction department.

I can go along with what Heartacheagain says, and although my FWH isn't the smallest he is the best lover I've been with. I think what it is more important is the feelings and what you do with what you have.

I can also say *generally* women don't look at men the same way men look at women. Meaning most women aren't as visual as men are. JMHO

edited to add the missing words!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 5:41 PM, April 23rd (Saturday)]

So that could be why it seems so easy (to me) for her to deal with some of the issues we have had? She says she deals with things herself, goes through it in her head and compartmentalizes it and moves forward.

I have been hunting for "rugsweeping" and I can't find a definition for what it really is. I have seen it referred to in several posts but what is it?

It is pretty much what it suggests. Guests are coming, gather the broom & sweep, let's say what the dog left behind in pieces, underneath the rug. The dog poopy pieces are still there under the rug, no one can see them, your guests therefore won't need to talk about what a bad house you keep, but you the "sweeper" and any other witnesses, know it's still there. So essentially when the guilty party wants to rugsweep, they want to pretend to make it go away...out of sight, out of mind...they hope.

Now from the female side, this subject is brought up from time to time. As Hearthache explained size does not matter, it's what you do with your size. The vagina "accommodates" & properly aroused expands or contracts to accommodate said penis. Let's not forget that in men there are also show-ers and grow-ers. Some men might initially look bigger, but don't grow much beyond what you see. Others, the grow-ers, once erect, appear to double in size. Not to mention there is more to sex than just intercourse As a member of the Make Love, Not War generation I'll just say nothing surpasses being with someone you love versus the more casual sex.

I would suggest when you feel safer & more comfortable with your wife, if you feel you're actually in R or trying for R, you share these insecurities with your wife & let her do her part in helping you recover your machismo.

She says she deals with things herself, goes through it in her head and compartmentalizes it and moves forward

Sounds like big time *rug sweeping* to me. And the really bad part of it is she isn't dealing with it. She isn't trying to figure out how she told herself it was ok to do this to you and how she is going to change to never do it again.

I suggest you get two copies and read "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass together. This is what my FWH and I did. We would read a chapter and then discuss it. We learned alot about each other and my FWH had alot of light bulb moments of how he got to where he got and how he'll never go there again.

fireman,

Were you "enough" for her during all the years you were intimate before WW's A?

Having bigger equipment cannot replace true "knowing," love, experience and technique learned together over many years.

Also remember, part of what is exciting about an A is everything that is "different." Things were probably not as good as WW thought, it was just exciting because everything was different.

To think that just because OM was a giggalo/ whore with many women, he was a great lover is ludicrous. All women are not exactly the same. It has taken my H and I years to learn about each other, and to do things "just right" for each other. I'm sure it is the same way with you and your WW.

Heartache again made a very good point, and combined with Phoenix Reborn's comments you have some good ammunition to combat your WW's new experience.

Now I'm going to be a bit crass here:

Is your WW so cavernous and/or floppy that it takes a man with a huge _____ to truly satisfy her? If she is, then she is also outside the norm size wise.

Even after giving birth to 4 children, I cannot tell any difference in how my H "fits" and my H loves the fit as well.

For "normal" women,"normal" is enough, especially if it is combined with thoughtful technique.

(I'm glad no one know who I am in real life, after being so graphic here..... )

Not sure how to respond, but I just know I need to. First of all, I understand your insecurities. I once believed that size did not matter. Now I question everything, including size. Of course it doesn't help matters that I am hung like a chipmunk. But what can a guy do but learn to live within his means. You are who you are.

My wife was in a big hurry to "put this all behind her" as she would say. I couldn't do that. Its just not healthy to rush things. Mostly because it doesn't fix anything, you just hide it.

You have to 180 if you are not already. Get your self esteem back. Once you do that, then you can talk about expectations..... What you expect of her. What you expect of yourself. What she expects of you. And, what she expects of herself. Once you do that, then you can start to make decisions about R, M, etc..., based on those needs.

Maybe it would help if you tried to get in better physical condition? Do it for you, and for your self esteem.

Good luck.

I hear you. In my case I found pics. It sucks.

Don't know what to tell you. You guys in MC or anything? Not talking about this stuff with her won't fix anything. Just gonna fester.