SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know WH had severe consequences and I know he learned a hard life lesson so from that perspective he didn't get away with anything.

But if the answer to whether or not he got away with it were based on comparing his post dday hell to my post dday hell, then the answer is a very easy yes, he most definitely got away with it.

In that sense, the severe consequences he suffered are more equivalent to spending 10 minutes in a timeout chair.

Did every WS "get away" with cheating and lying? Yes, most assuredly, but only as long as the BS was unaware of the A. Once the BS knew, the WS was no longer "getting away with it."

But every remorseful WS is suffering consequences from his/her choice to have an A just as the BS and family are suffering the consequences of the WS' decision to have an A.

So, yes, TECHNICALLY, the WS got away with it.

Whether or not the WS thinks the A was worth it or not is a whole other question, one the remorseful spouse has no problem answering no to. The unremorseful spouse is, well, unremorseful, and DOES think the A was worth having.

[This message edited by fairyfriend at 9:47 PM, May 9th (Monday)]

BETRAYEDDADDIO:

I'd quote you but itd be ridiculously long.

But I agree with every word of your post.

I also like the cake analogy, in that they stole a cake so they could eat it. They succeded and ate it. Yeah they got caught on tape and had to pay fines. But they still succeeded in eating it.

So I guess my definition of "got away with it" is succeeded.

The emotional scars that my W and I have over the A will be with us forever. Thus, no, I didn't get away with anything because the repurcussions are on going. I will forever have to be totally accountable for everything I do, even the most innocent things. My kids will forever remember when daddy did "that". I will always remember that I didn't keep my vows to my wife. No, I got away with nothing.

I am just getting back on. I guess that definitions of "getting away with it" differ and that's OK. I htink the cool thing about si is that we can DISAGREE without being disrespectful. Have gotten some really good perspectives from bs as well as ws. Thanks. Here's to the bs who went out on a limb to try r and to those remorseful ws trying to do better.

caspers1wish - I understand what you are saying and you do have a valid point, but please consider this.

Lets say you went grocery shopping. You go to the bakery dept. and you take a cake and eat it all in the store, every last little crumb, and it was super yummy, too. But, you get busted because they have you on film. So, you pay all the legal consequences. But, you ate the cake and you enjoyed it. You got away with enjoying your stolen cake.

And the money to pay for the stolen cake comes out of your JOINT bank account!

To elaborate even further? He stole (and ate) that cake full of preservatives and fake food coloring. Yes, it may have been yummy, but it's also extremely unhealthy. And guaranteed to rot your insides out if you eat them often.

All while there was someone at home baking a cake from a recipe that had been handed down for generations that was a lot of work that made the house smell wonderful and made everyone's mouth water.

Yet, he chose the artificial Devil Dog to snack on in secret.

My FWH and I were High School sweethearts. He was my first. Yet he had sex with someone else.

While he got his ego stroked I got my self esteems totally demolished.

While his family doesn't know, I had to tell mine because I thought I was going to be homeless and I have to face them with it all of the time.

While he doesn't think of HER unless I bring it up I can do NOTHING but think of her.

While he sleeps each day I have nightmares and get little sleep.

While he is "happier than he has been in 15 years" I cry all of the time and need therapy.

Yeah, he got away with it.

My FWH and I were High School sweethearts. He was my first. Yet he had sex with someone else.

While he got his ego stroked I got my self esteems totally demolished.

While his family doesn't know, I had to tell mine because I thought I was going to be homeless and I have to face them with it all of the time.

While he doesn't think of HER unless I bring it up I can do NOTHING but think of her.

While he sleeps each day I have nightmares and get little sleep.

While he is "happier than he has been in 15 years" I cry all of the time and need therapy.

Yeah, he got away with it.

Bingo - you hit the nail on the head.

Life was fun during the affair and and then our marriage is now better after the affair for WS. Sucked for me during the affair, although I didn't know the cause, and is nearly unbearable in the aftermath of the affair.

My H says he now feels closer to me than he's ever felt to anyone. Why didn't he put this effort into our marriage before cheating?

I am a shell of who I once was. For me, it's only bad and worse.

I hope this isn't too harsh for this forum. But every time I see the title of this thread, I think, "Really???"

I feel like my WS did get away with it.

He got away with it. It is done, over, can't be undone. He got a trip to Fantasyland, and I got to stay home and take care of his kids and wash his underwear.

The OW is single. They both got a trip to fantasyland, both kept their jobs, both still respected by other employees. His only consequences are internal. It would still be going on if he hadn't been caught! So, yes, I do feel like he got away with it.

sudra...

If you can't handle it.. don't "hope" it's not too harsh.. just stay out of this forum.

This is not a vent thread for BS's.

I can not get this thread out of my head.

I think the heart of the issue is that for many BS there just is no "punishment" equal to the crime.

Its like a murderer getting life in prison. While that is a harsh punishment is it really "equal" to the other persons loss of life? Yeah life in prison stinks and its hard and you have to spend the rest of your life feeling bad about the murder....but is equal to the crime?

Or perhaps its better to think of it as if you raped someone and went to prison for life. The raped person has trouble with relationships, trust, sleeping, eating... for years after the rape. They never truly enjoy sex again. They look at everyone with suspicion. Their entire outlook on life has changed. Every morning they wake up and think about the rape. What would be a fair punishment for this crime?

And I truly do not mean this to sound as negative as it does. I am just trying to help you with some BS mindsets so perhaps you can understand where they are coming from when they say these things.

I truly admire all the work my FWH and the FWS here on SI have done. There comes a time when the "punishment" has to end and life has to go on. Which is of course where forgiveness comes in. There will just never be a "punishment" to equal the "crime". So we have to be willing to let that "crime" go and do the best we can with today. We have to forgive our spouses and we have to forgive ourselves because without forgiveness we can never make things equal.

I tried to make it "equal" so much in the first years. If I was hurting I wanted FWH to hurt. I wanted his pain to be the same as mine. Until I realized its never going to happen. Our pain is different. I will never fully understand how much pain he is in--a sharp pain because he knows he is responsible for this situation. Its a total different burden than the one I carry. A totally different pain.

I really hope this helped and I hope any WS struggling during this phase of R will understand that your BS is working through the issues of fairness and processing the event so eventually they can get to forgiveness. Don't give up hope.

I think the feeling of "getting away with it" is going to depend on the situation, the level of remorse, R or D and so on... many factors play into it.

I feel that the only punishment fit for the crime is immediate D. The WS steps out, no matter what the reason, that is just cause to lose the M. Period. It's a choice unfortunately, with the hope of never being caught. Therefore the BS has the choice to end it.

As BS if we choose to try to R, it's like merely probation. The WS must check in regularly and prove they are a willing and active participant in healing the M; however, the BS still has to deal with themselves...I feel stupid for trying to R sometimes, thru the betrayal, the lies, TT, blameshift you name it.. so on top of the betrayal and limitless pain, there is guilt, for what? For being the bigger person and attempting to forgive the blatant disregard to an honored promise before God/the law whoever.

So I can only hope some WSs see that.. honor that, step up to the plate and WORK (like they should have in the first place at the first sign of trouble instead of having an A).

And for the WSs that don't see that, for those who remain selfish, for those who have multiple As: you're already running on borrowed time. Don't take it for granted. You don't know how lucky you are.

I don't think I got away with it. It has been the most horrible painful damaging and most regretted thing in my life.

Sadly my BH didn't get away with it either and he had no choice whatsoever and was innocent.

I'm so sorry.

I think if you get to stay in your marriage and your spouse forgives you ... and you get to come home and be a part of your family, you totally got away with it.

You got to live in fairytale land. You got to have a gf or bf while you were married. You got to get away from your life and you got to keep your old one.

Totally got away with it.

In many ways, I do feel like I 'got away with it'. My BS forgave me, wanted to stay with me, wanted to work to make our marriage better, and has never stopped loving me. Our marriage after 3 years is doing great and we love each other very much. My BH treats me better today than ever.

However, in other ways I did not get away with it. There are lots of scars. There are lots of thoughts and painful memories. I let down my kids, my friends, my family. I still can't look my H in the eye and tell him that I have no feelings left for the OM.

I think my WH DID get away with it, whatever repercussions he has had, have been minimal at best. I see it as a win-win for him with very little downside.

I still can't look my H in the eye and tell him that I have no feelings left for the OM.

Wow.

Ami, (and any other BS's on this thread)

It is one thing to speak of your own experience and perhaps your ex did "get away with it", but please don't tell others what happened in their home and marriages.

I see the dynamic a little differently. It's not so much about getting away with it or not. For me, it's not even about degrees of pain.

To me, the core difference is this. My consequences are the result of my own actions. My BW's are the result of my choices, not hers.

A murdered can get life in prison or the death penalty. And from a standpoint of legal justice, it may be seen as paying the penalty for their actions. But the family of the person they killed have to pay the price of their loved one no longer being there for the rest of their lives, and they have no say in the actions that caused that loss.

Do I pay a price? Sure. Weeks like this week are hard, having to watch the news of the Governator and his actions. Watching the way he's attacked and knowing I was just as low as he was. I'll pay that price every time infidelity surfaces on the news, on a TV show, among the neighbors, wherever.

But I brought that pain onto myself. I made the choices that led to that pain. It's not getting away with it, it's more like getting what I deserve.

My BW did nothing wrong, and yet she has to ensure her pain because of me. She's getting something she never deserved in the first place.

We may not have gotten away with it, be we are getting what we deserve for our actions.

"We may not have gotten away with it, be we are getting what we deserve for our actions."

@ Listeningclosely Thanks for that comment. That's what I want my FWH to get.