So, what is TT and why does it kill marriages. Well, Trickle Truthing is the continuing disclosure of lies after D-day. It’s a kind of slow-motion confession. Trickle-truthing means revealing facts in tiny doses, hedging every admission, divulging only as much as absolutely necessary per confrontation.
It has the effect of making the person being TT'ed feel slightly insane due to the constant discovery of more lies, more deceit and more betrayal. It some respects, it’s the cruellest part of infidelity because the “continuing deceit” keeps projecting the hurt and pain of d-day back onto their spouse day by day, again! TT is not just a matter of “forgetting the details” but rather it comes across as the continuing behavior of being selfish and making unilateral decision to hide the truth once more.
I can see a lot of newbie’s wondering, so what? what’s the big deal about another lie? After all, didn’t I just get busted for an affair?
Well, speaking for the BS community, the truth is that more marriages fail due to the presence of TT than they do over the affair itself. You see, the initial betrayal of the affair is hurtful but it’s the continuing betrayal of trust that kills off second chances. The continuing lies are not just one nail in the coffin; it’s the whole damn box of nails hammering the lid down tight.
authenticnow - I regret so much that I TTd. My BH got more and more broken each time I did it.
The reality is that TT occurs for a variety of reasons. I know that. I’ve rationalized it in my head too. We’re protecting them from more hurt. We’re protecting ourselves from consequences. We’re feeling ashamed and guilt and we don’t want to confess and face the monster anymore. We want to forget and move on. But regardless of our intentions and our motives, the ugly truth is that the price we pay for this TT is the continuing destruction of our honour, our integrity and our own self-worth. How can it be otherwise? We’ve build a house of lies and deceit and now, we have no choice but to keep building on it. We make up lies to cover up lies. We get so good at lying at times that we forget what he real truth is at times.
Lost68 - full disclosure is also very relevant in personal recovery of the wayward. Secrets, especially ugly secrets about ourselves, poison you. Disclosure forces you to face the music.
Well, we might be able to live with our lies and deceit but for our BS’s it wholly different. They simply can\t take the continuing lies. It’s like being in a fight and after the first round house punch in the face, we follow up with body shots. Today we hit, tomorrow we don’t and then once more we sneak in more lies and poof, it’s like the whole healing process was ripped away. The analogy that makes the most sense is one of ripping scabs off a wound. Each time that a bit of healing takes place but then another lie is discovered, it’s the same as ripping the healing scab off a wound. It leaves the wound fresh and open and hurting once more.
Unknown - If you trickle truth him, as it is known, it is like opening the wound brand new every time he learns a little more truth... This WILL prevent him from healing and will likely make him hate you.
The best way to counteract the damages of TT is honesty, transparency and a time line. Once the evidence is out there for the spouse to see (emails, chats, texting messages) then their ability to be able to read and verify the truth of your statements tends to make lying totally pointless. There is no use in lying if the truth is written down in the texts or letters. Might as well be honest.
Jagneer - I now know that weather she wanted to know or not, it was her right to know everything and should not have had to drag it out of me.
Transparency gives the BS some reassurance with regard to verification. Verification allows for trust to start rebuilding. Time lines also tend to create an atmosphere of truth and honesty. When you start to fill in the details, that lie that you want to protect becomes just another point on the timeline. You can start to see trends in your behaviours. You can face up to reality much easier when it’s facing you in black and white, written down. And once you face the truth, the easier it becomes to keep doing that. Keep being honest and to put all the facts out in the open in one fell swoop as compared to dragging them out, day by day.
I admit to having trickle truthed myself. I was a scared and fearful WS in the early days of the affair but LF had all the truth she needed to see in my email history. I wasn’t lying to hide the truth from coming out, I was lying to minimize my own weakness and failures. I was lucky to have been given some great advice in my early days here and between LF and those SI memebers, I adopted truth as the way out of the black pit that I had dug for myself. Truthfulness means not having to remember what lie you told to cover up the other lie that you told. The truth will set you free.
alexa071- For the BS, the truth hurts unimaginably but it's nowhere near the pain of the continuing lies. The truth is what has happened and cannot be changed. The lies are more pain you choose to inflict by withholding the truth.