SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This has been a really bad year. My Dad died. My oldest daughter died. My mom had double mastectomy. Now I find out that my soon to be three year old is not mine.

I have been reviewing some of the men's sites on the web. The issues of infidelity and cuckholdry are common. Since our sex life has been nonexistent it nagged at the back of my mind.

Now, our oldest daughter was hospitalized numerous times, (often out of state), so that limited the contact we had.

But our relationship had gotten so bad that at the end of 2006 I started keeping track of when we had sex.

We have had sex 5 times since December 2006. the last time being November 16th and 17th, 2008.

After all of my reading I started back tracking the calendar. We had sex eight months and one week prior to "A" being born. My guess now is that she missed her period after fucking someone else so she slept with me two nights in a row so there would be plausible deniability.

I ordered a DNA test kit online. It said that there is a 0% chance I am the father. I paid $500 for one that will be admissable in court and it said the same thing.

I ordered a second kit for my kindergartener; she is mine. I called a geneticist to see if they can trace DNA from my dead daughter's baby teeth or if I may have to have her body exhumed. Has my marriage been based on lies since Day 1?

She doesn't know that I know. She is gone again on business and will be back Thursday. I am going to see a lawyer Thursday afternoon.

I don't want to tip my hand. I read Sam Margullies book, A Man's Guide to a Civilized Divorce. I want to ambush her with this info but I will not. I am engaging in a covert contract at least until Father's Day. I told her I wanted my credit card (which she ran up) paid off. She said she thinks she can do that.

I have lost 15 pounds. I have been working on myself. At this point I don't care about the relationship. I want her to suffer for what she has done to me and our family. But I want to extricate mysef cleanly as well. I want custodial visitation with the 3 year old but I want the biological father to pay child support.

I have a very good idea who he is. She is probably with him in San Diego right now. I have given her so many chances to be honest with me.

Any one been through this? Being cuckolded and then finding out the child is not yours? To be clear I love the 3 year old. I just don't want ot have to pay for her if we get divorced. Id o want visitation rights however

I wish I had something to offer you in the form of advice but all I can do is offer my utmost sympathy.

I'm so very sorry for what you're going through.

Come here often, vent, read, share.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

There is a special forum here for people whose spouses have had children with their affair partners. I believe there are a few men who participate.

It is in the I can relate forum under OC,(other child).

Try to take care of yourself. Make sure to eat and drink.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and your daughter.

What state are you in? In California the court doesnt care if the kids are biologically yours during a divorce proceeding. If the kids were born during the marriage, the courts assume that the child is a child of the marriage and child support is ordered regardless. I highly suspect that my two oldest kids are not biologically mine but the kids are too young for me to approach them with this. Im going to wait until they reach 18. Even if I did ask them to submit to test now, I dont think they would go along and their mother would tell them to not agree to be tested.(why would she want this ultimate betrayal exposed). The tests Ive seen involve cheek scrapping

Court ordered paternity tests only comes into play when couples have a kid but they are not married

[This message edited by heartbrkn0209 at 5:54 PM, June 15th (Wednesday)]

((the hollowman))

In California the court doesnt care if the kids are biologically yours during a divorce proceeding. If the kids were born during the marriage, the courts assume that the child is a child of the marriage and child support is ordered regardless.

Our country has some seriously f*cked up laws.

Your telling me. I just dont get that one either. Court also doesnt care about infidelity or how many people your WS was with during the marriage. Its almost like the laws were written by a WS. There is also the fact that we signed the birth certificate.

In retrospect I wish I had never legally married my WW, rather I could have just lived with her and when we had our kid and I suspected I wasnt the father, I could have had a court ordered paternity test then and there.

I really dont get why a man in this day and age would ever get legally married. You risk losing everything for the satisfaction of having this piece of paper.

[This message edited by heartbrkn0209 at 6:09 PM, June 15th (Wednesday)]

hollowman,

I have no words of wisdom, just sympathy for all you have been thru, and will go thru.

I am so sorry.

In some states, there is a legal mechanism to deny paternity. One of our membership, Alexa71, has done this. There is a specific window--you need to ask the attorney about this. Legally, you should know all of your options, particularly those dealing with paternity and visitation and child support for children that are not biologically yours nor legally adopted by you.

Cat

=( im so sorry =(

((((hollowman))))

cat has good advice.

my prayers for you and the little girl.

Wow hollowman.

I am so sorry for all the things you are enduring. I am a strong believer in the saying that God will never give you more than you can handle. Good luck.

Oh, my goodness, ((((hollowman))))I'm so, so sorry I wish I had something more constructive than hugs and the wish that you find peace tonight for a few hours.

Listen to Cat. You need to get specific legal advice, not presumptions or "I think the law says..."

Your three-year-old has known only you and, to be fair to her since she is NOT the party to blame, you should act the father for and to her. She could get seriously screwed up by trying to puzzle out why her daddy isn't her daddy. That's talk for a later age, when she's ready to hear it.

In my own case, I found out my daughter was not mine by birth the month I found out my first wife was a serial cheater. The child had one blood type, my wife had another and I had a third. No chance I could be the dad. A fact my WW confirmed later. She was just 4 when I found out, but I kept her in my life (actually, i got custody of her and my other daughter) and acted as her father and daddy to the day (She's 26 now).

Her mother, my ex-WW, decided when the daughter was about 18 to let her in on the secret one day when she got mad at me for something. So, unprepared, she was told I am not her bio dad. She was upset and bothered for awhile, but I still consider her my daughter and will until the end.

IF you always keep your daughter's welfare at the forefront, there is nothing bad that can happen between the two of you, even if she finds out. You're the only dad she's known and that, my friend, is a powerful and awesome responsibility.

[This message edited by bronzermike at 9:27 PM, June 15th (Wednesday)]

Hollowman,

First let me welcome you to the best club you never wanted to join. You'll find lots of advice and support from folks who have been there and done that.

I'd like to direct your attention to the yellow box on the upper left. The Healing Library has a lot of very useful information. You'll find tips and advice that will stand you in good stead.

As mentioned before there is an OC support thread in the "I Can Relate" forum but you need not restrict yourself there. Keep posting here and the other forums, it really does help to talk about it and somebody is always up to listen.

I'm going to add a couple of links to threads you should read. You'll have to copy and paste these but they are well worth the reading.

Bro, I'm sorry you had to find us like this, I know it's a huge kick in the gut, but I'm also glad you did. Now you've got some really wonderful people on YOUR side. Lean on us and we'll lean back. You are starting on a painful journey but be assured that by it's end you will have discovered just how strong you really are.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051&HL=21836

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Good luck and, again, Welcome.

C=64

I am sorry, brother.

That is an awful story you just told us here.

Just the fact that you are here and not curled up in a ball sucking your thumb, speaks volumes about your strength.

Check out the OC forum like boudicca mentioned---I think you may get a lot of good advice from there.

In the meantime, hang tough.

Sorry that you had to find us, but glad that you did.

I am so sorry. What a terrible trauma you've endured, even by our SI infidelity craptackular standards. You sound very strong and together. Please get a kick ass lawyer, the best you can find, and forget a civilized divorce. Do find out from your attorney what your best options are for the daughter that isn't yours biologically.

If you know the OM, or suspect, by all means, out him to his wife (if he's married).

With this level of betrayal, going back so long, I hope you're in IC (individual counseling). Reading on here four years, and having been married to an NPD -- look into personality disorders like NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and sociopathy. It's one thing to cheat -- it's another thing to keep up deep levels of deception, a double life for many years.

I think your life is about to get a lot healthier, and ultimately, happier, when you get out of this marriage.

(((Huge hugs))). Sending you strength!

I am sorry, brother.

That is an awful story you just told us here.

Just the fact that you are here and not curled up in a ball sucking your thumb, speaks volumes about your strength.

I agree. So sorry for what you are going through.

It's lawyer time, brother. You need a trained warrior to represent your cause. I feel for you. I can't imagine....but then again, I can.

hollowman,

So sorry to hear that you have been dealt this awful blow. I found out about my FWW's affair and the possibility of my son not being biologically mine around Thanksgiving of last year. Wanted to try to salvage the holidays as best as possible and took the DNA test at the beginning of this year. The test came back with me being 100% excluded as the biological father of my only child, my almost seven year old son. In my case, I am reconciling with my wife and OM is out of the picture.

I echo everyone else's advice on here for you to seek legal counsel, which it looks like you are doing. In every state there are statutes of limitations for a father to contest the paternity of his own child in court. In my state, it is five years. Other states I have heard are three years. Sadly, contesting paternity and having the OM pay child support would most likely involve you being taken off of the birth certificate, and OM being put on. From what I understand there is a bit of separation between paternity and custodial rights in the court of law. The courts could grant you custodial rights, but on the other hand, OM may seek and get those rights as well. In cases like ours, the cards are legally stacked against us due to laws that were in place to protect wives and children of deadbeat dads. Because of this, your wife, daughter and OM will likely have the right to contest paternity until your daughter is the age of 18.

Aside from the legal aspect, I would echo what bronzermike said:

Your three-year-old has known only you and, to be fair to her since she is NOT the party to blame, you should act the father for and to her.

This is the stance that my wife and I are taking with our son. We've got a long road ahead of us, but the focus is on him. I can tell from tone of your post out here that you do love your daughter. She IS your daughter. Biology does not make a Dad a Dad.

Emotionally, this is hell to go through, not only for me, but for my wife, who did not want the DNA test to come out the way it did, and she has been grieving along with me ever since.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or would like my thoughts or opinions on anything. I am here for you, although I am going to be out of state and offline for the next few days. Once I get back, I would love to offer you any type of support or advice that I can lend.

Again, many condolences on the chain of events that has hit you and your family, and I am deeply sorry about the biological disconnect that you are now experiencing with your daughter. I know it hurts like hell.

Hang in there, brother.

Losfer