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What if you have no idea what fills your soul? Seriously, I've been trying to figure this out for a year...good point about mental NC

What if you have no idea what fills your soul?

Then this would be a good thing to examine in IC... Why don't you know? And start to figure out how to figure it out.

Music? Children? Reading? Volunteering? Gardening?

What do you like to do when you have nothing else to do? Or that you would do rather than what you are doing? What do you find beautiful?

Finding your bliss is critical on the path to happiness.

That sounds really effing cliche, but when I lose my way I force myself to remember that. I call my friends. I take more fish oil. I get pedicure. It is hard to be a good partner if you don't know your own self.

In reality, an A does not represent anything good or healthy. It's very self-destructive and wrong.

A's may be fun for a while, but there is a very high price to pay in the end.

As one poster says: it's soul suicide.

The things you pinpoint in your original post are some very simple things to achieve.

Why can't you have those with your spouse? Open up to each other, one thing I've learned from this is that inhibitions have no place between spouses.

Another thing is to not let fantasy control you. We all have fantasies, and we all need to escape the daily grind now and then. But to completely ditch reality is never going to be healthy. Learn to love your life. Start looking for solutions instead of problems.

affairs represent selfish excitement at a great expense to everyone you're hiding from. Understand that and the allure should go away as long as you dont have some narcissistic disorder.

[This message edited by stilllovingher at 7:16 PM, June 24th (Friday)]

Thank you all again, this is very helpful.

Today I had a 'run in' with OM. After being so good for so long...we ended up chatting and I flirted with him. Yep, and he knew...and promptly told me to 'end it and act professional.' I hate myself. I came home and told my husband and also told him that I must be broken somehow....

UnexpectedSong - you bring up some good points for my therapist. I feel as if I go in every week and have the same story - still having the thoughts and wanting to reach out..nowhere near feeling more removed from it. Every week.

And all who said that NC includes thoughts - that part hit home pretty hard. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still fantasize about the interactions, the flirtations...sometimes I will be driving for an hour and all of a sudden realize I had an entire 'encounter' of verbal exchange while I was driving....almost subconsciously??

I know that you are all judging me, and I am judging myself. I don't want to be this person and I am trying. Posting more in an attempt to get some help and ideas.

I'm not judging you.

In my fwh's case, when his behavior of flirting and cheating caused him enough pain, he was ready to change and he did change...completely.

It seems that your A and consequences haven't created enough pain yet.

Help - I understand about fantasies while driving. I stopped talking on the phone to friends - it felt too much like talking to him. I started blasting my music or I listened to new stations. Anything to break the routine.

You need to take active steps to stop the fantasies.

And do try to find something to fulfill you. How sad it is that what currently interests you is something that blackens your soul.

I'll ask again. Where is your husband in your thought process when you're feeling the lure of an affair? Do you see him as an obstacle to your happiness? Do you see the affairs as an escape from an awful marriage? If not, how about bringing HIM to the forefront of your mind when you start thinking about other men? Imagine he is right there in the room, too.

It sounds to me like you just don't hold him in your heart. What if you came home one day, and he had left you, for good? Would that bring home how much he means to you?

Maybe he doesn't mean that much to you, in which case you should be honest and end it with your husband.

I probably don't belong here. This thread is trigger city for me.

IMO you sound pretty normal and human to me. You enjoyed the excitment. It was fun and you miss that. Everyone likes a mystery, everyone likes feeling an adrenaline rush, everyone likes to feel intrigue, excitement, anticipation.....

I do believe it is something that you will have to work through (and it may be very hard), it may take some time to let the old feelings go and shift them to something else or somewhere else. Just how long is not certain. What takes another person a week or a month could take another a year, two or maybe more. Hang in there. Wishing you the best.~ Winner

Per filling your soul -- where are your small children in your thoughts and life fulfillment? I remember when my son was small, and I worked for myself, it consumed my whole world. It's hard when they're little -- I found an outlet taking art classes.

I divorced when my son was 4 (not about infidelity) -- and was a single mom. That's a very hard road.

If you need to snap out of your fantasy life, why not consider your children's needs? And also consider how if you actively work towards the destruction of your marriage, not only will you break up their home, you will be a single mother -- assuming you get custody, a big if should you be exposed as a cheater. (OM could be deposed in your divorce). If you go down that road, boredom will be the least of your problems.

Im on the side that believes that if you dont find what you are missing (sounds to me like you know) then you can't start to ask your husband to fulfil these needs for you. To act as though you dont have these needs because you feel its wrong to have them is a recipe for disaster. I dont know if you have picked up the book "his needs, her needs how to build an affair proof marriage" but my wife did and it outlines an idea for a marriage philosophy known as toTal transparency. If you follow it (and it will be one of the hardest things you have done if you do) it means telling your spouse everything. every feeling you have, every thought, even if you know it might hurt his feelings. I should stress however that he also has to be willing to do this and be totally honest with you. if you both embrace this lifestyle you will experience closeness like you've never experienced before with anyone. close because he knows everything about you. and you know everything about him. my ww and I will sometimes pre-empt the hard stuff by saying something like "in the spirit of total transparency, I was just thinking that I might like you start working out so you can be in better physical shape so that I can be more attracted to you" - that's hard right? but if its on your mind then your partner knows. Its a great way to build a much stronger marriage than youv ever thought possible.

Yep, and he knew...and promptly told me to 'end it and act professional.' I hate myself.

Do you actually hate yourself or the outcome? How would you have felt about yourself if you had not been rebuffed?

I think you're feeling "broken" because you won't have a "project"...or a challenge that gives constant rewards.

You have your husband. He's no longer interesting. Even less as he seems a sure bet. I'm afraid this recent "boundary" will increase the drive for success.

Helpme, I don't know you and only know what you write. It feels to me like you have never developed skills to deal with boredom and are pretty emotionally immature.

You're right. As long as those things exist your IC will keel hearing the same things.

Until you work on those two things your perception won't change and you'll always be looking for the next new thing.