SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I too have thought that the only way to get any relief from this SHIT is to let her go and get a divorce. In my state I would lose everything, pay her alimony for 7-10 years and I couldn't' retire like I could have in Nov 2012. My WW would get PAID for her infidelity. I would have to start over...

I have the EXACT feelings that SeanFLA has.... EXACT SAME FEELINGS. Read his post again. That is what he is feeling. Everybody's situation is unique to them, mine included, but this pain...you have no idea what it feels like. If I didn't love my wife I wouldn't feel like this. 23 years...I don't know if divorce is coming or not. I just want to heal...4 1/2 months out from DDay...I don't know if I can handle anymore pain....BTW I am in IC and MC, it helps...very little, it does help.

double post sorry

[This message edited by Mandmr1 at 12:13 AM, June 29th (Wednesday)]

Thank you all again for your support.

We talked on the phone for about an hour and a half. I was working through an exercise the MC gave me to start going through grief. He texted me and asked if I wanted to talk (we had brief contact as he picked up the kiddo from my apartment). I said yes and was determined to give it one last go.

We cried together for a fair amount of time--I honestly had never heard him like that before, perhaps feelings of pain pouring out unguarded. I'm thankful for this, because it helps me understand his pain, though I don't want him to hurt like this anymore.

I asked for 1 week of continued work, to let me "step it up" as so many of you encouraged. To reassess myself daily and determine what I can do better. He didn't say yes, but didn't say no. I felt like I even stepped it up when I repeated back to him everything I felt like I had heard from him, both verbal and implied. He agreed that I could communicate with him even though he's not sure whether or not to give me the week or not. Maybe this hail mary will earn me the time I need to kick my own ass even harder.

I honestly was ready to give up. Your encouragement has given me perhaps a week more, and hopefully my follow through will start to make him feel at peace, one step at a time.

On a side note, _After the Affair_ is listed as a book in the healing library. Perhaps, if so many of you feel so strongly about it, it might should be taken off? Or maybe there's a way to add ratings? (I'm not a web person, so I'm not sure how realistic this is).

Please keep myself and my BH in your thoughts...I hope I can pull though this week, and the next, and the next, ...

That's good to hear, daylily. Divorces take time to go through anyway, so realitically you have more than a week. Keep fighting. Even if it doesn't work out, the work you're doing will make you a better person.

Go to IC, work on you. Get to your "why". How did you give yourself permission to do such a thing? He needs to see that effort too.

Hang in there!

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

In my opinion, by far a superior book for both WS and BS. It examines the circumstances more from a clinical view than slanted one way or the other. Provides a useful pathway for both to recovery.

Fight for him!! If you don't want to divorce then fight for him.

Right now, he needs to know that HE MATTERS!

My WH did so many things right as we reconciled. He held me while I cried uncontrollably, he was so tender with me, but the most important thing was when he would tell me - often several times a day, that he isn't leaving me, he wants to be with me. He told me how he wanted to grow old with me. He basically took divorce off the table. He told me he didn't want a divorce and if I filed he wouldn't sign the papers.

Everyday he made sure I knew that he was going to be there day after day after day. I could throw anything I wanted at him, he was still going to be there. And believe me, it wasn't easy because pure venom spewed from my mouth.

If he hadn't fought for me, I wouldn't still be here and we are 5 1/2 years out. AS I look back, that is the thing I most remember about dday and the months following - that he fought for me.

I feel like he's taking the "easy way" out

And you weren't?

When I told him this last night, he cried and said "why couldn't you have done that a year ago?" (pre-A).

What is your answer to that?

When I told him this last night, he cried and said "why couldn't you have done that a year ago?" (pre-A).

What is your answer to that?

My initial response without any deep reflection is that I felt hopeless in the marriage, didn't feel loved, and didn't have the strength or motivation to work on it-and when I say strength, I mean the inner core of beliefs and values to believe that working on myself and major strides towards building a better marriage.

I know now that is still what I have to do, plus continue to work on myself in relation to the the A so I can give him/show him that I have made myself a better person worth restarting a life with.

If only I could turn back time and push myself the way I'm pushing (and constantly repushing thanks to support from numerous folk) now. Perhaps I wouldn't have been to the point that I made the stupidest, most hurtful choice in my life. But, I can move with the clock and work, assess, and reassess myself and my BH's perception of where I am, so that (trying to look for short term goals here) I will earn his confidence that I am worth consideration of reentering his life as someone he could love again.

Today was much better emotionally because I am trying to make sure I am completely exhausting all the resources and realms I have, that I am beyond a doubt confident that I tried 100%. I read ALL of How to Heal Your Spouse last night and smacked myself with my own 2x4s. My main goal this week is to reassess myself as a successful rebuilder, staring with an assessment how how much I understand his pain, the humility in knowing I caused it, and what lengths I can go to heal it.

[This message edited by daylily80 at 7:49 PM, June 29th (Wednesday)]

I read ALL of How to Heal Your Spouse last night and smacked myself with my own 2x4s.

This is great, daylily. And it is really great to see you set yourself some solid, daily goals. I hope this helps your situation. Best of luck.