SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Four years and four months since Dday.

I wasn’t in limbo initially. I truly thought we were on the road to R. But as the rose colored glasses have slowly come off it’s apparent that in four years we’ve only managed to achieve limbo status.

WH still works with OW. No amount of pleading or prodding will change that. The A is over but he believes that a minimum level of “cordialness” around her is necessary to “keep up appearances” for the sake of his job. Problem is he keeps the majority of this to himself. Still omits, minimizes and even lies to protect himself. Not just about contact with her, other things as well. In general, however, WH and I get along quite well under the circumstances.

I read the stories here and see heart breaking situations of people in limbo who truly have no way out. That’s not my situation. Our children are grown and on their own. I have a job that would not lavishly but comfortably support me. Excellent health. No substantial debt and one of the first things I did four years ago was start setting a little money aside that he knew nothing about. I have even paid a retainer to a divorce attorney.

I’ve been in IC off and on trying to figure out WHY I’m still willing to sit here in Limbo. I tell my IC it’s because of our children. Even though they are grown adults with children of their own I can’t easily do something that will bring their world crashing down upon them.

I’m sure the real truth is fear. Fear of what I just haven’t been able to figure out yet. It's not the fear of being alone. It's not the fear of "what if" because I know now I'm never going to get the kind of R that I need. In the meantime, I go through the motions day after day.

Thanks for listening. My heart goes out to each and every one of you.

A friend of mine told me that his divorce was very hard on his children, who were in high school and college at the time. He honestly believes it's almost harder for them than when they're younger. I don't know if that's true.

I'm in limbo, can't really bring myself to visit "Reconciliation" too often. You can't have R from one side only.

WH is NOT remorseful. He seems angrier with me than I am with him. He's angry that I snoop from time to time. He's angry I don't trust him. He's probably angry about a lot of other things, but he won't tell me what it is.

Where I'm trying to rebuild some kind of connection, he's distant and irritable.

I wish he'd come to counseling with me, but so far he refuses.

OW still works for him and will for at least another year or so. They are still in non-work related, outside of work hours contact. He deletes his phone records religiously, but once in awhile he'll slip and I get to see evidence.

I want to stop the snooping, but his behavior is still threatening any chance there still may be for us. I do not want a divorce, but it may come to that if I can't find a certain level of contentment and peace in my own mind. I can't do that alone, I need something, anything almost, coming from him too.

It's sad.

Hello Friends. That you to the staff for posting this topic. I have been in limbo for 2 1/2 long years. The thoughts of being betrayed are on my mind 24/7 and I would love to move on. However my WS has just swept it all under the rug. He is treating me like a queen and has given up the A, yet he won't go to MC or discuss it all. I have no idea what to do.

itispainful,

He may be treating you like a queen, but it sounds like he's not giving you what you want or need: Genuine resolution. I'm hoping that if he is refusing MC, that you are involved in IC for yourself. Hopefully you will find some resolution on your own... whatever that may be.

Before yesterday, I had not posted in a long time. Now I finally have found a topic that I think I can relate to. Hugs to all here. Your posts really speak to me.

It is such a hard decision to consider leaving even though I know that reconciliation can't fully happen when I am the only one working on it. I have finally had moments where I can speak freely in front of my H without him getting angry at me. Perhaps that is progress.

We,too, have grown children and I don't want to ruin their world with our divorce. However, it is pretty awful being the one who is carrying around the entire burden of this betrayal. I am sure the fact that my parents divorced when I was a child plays a part in all of this. I never wanted that for my kids.

I feel like I am rambling, but know that it is helpful to finally discuss this with someone who really understands. I have great IC, but this is nice.

I would never wish this on anyone, so know I am thinking about you all and hope this day brings some comfort.

This is another great thread. Limbo truly describes where we are right now... I'm miserable, can't afford to leave. I'm lonely, sad, mistrustful.... I try not to be bitter, but I just keep thinking of all the things I COULD HAVE DONE besides THIS. I did get two great kids out of it, but the rest?? The rest I could have done without and now here I sit, in limbo, for at least another year....

This thread also speaks to me...I wasn't in limbo either for the first 2 years ..just trying to R and regain trust and make sure he wasn't breaking NC. But, in the last 6 months, I am entering a new phase I guess...the reality that life will be very different from now on even if he doesn't ever cheat again is becoming clear. The reality of my life with him for the last 35+ years is seen in a new light and I find myself mentally preparing for an inevitable change...just not sure what it is/will be. I am not sure if I am more or less confused than I was 21/2 years ago when it all hit the fan. Then there is the fear factor...fear of the unknown.

I have imagined different scenarios and the effect they have on others in my life and financial things etc...it is less or more comlicated for different people and situations, but I truely believe there is ALWAYS a way out and a way to change your life for the better.

I am starting to go through the motions of life ... puchasing items, paying bills, planning my retirement, taking care of my house....etc...with a feeling that everything is temporary...very temporary. Plans for 1, 2, 5, 10 years are just a blur...so very different than most of my life has been before the A.

When D day first happened, with all the shock and disgust, I still felt all sorts of passion for my WS. Strange, but true. So, I really wanted full R and he was really being wonderful, although he is not the kind of man to talk and share about the A. But his actions spoke loudly and R felt right.

Now, I find myself thinking more about life on my own. I know that no matter what, I will carry this betrayl with me the rest of my life. I am changed.....less trusting, more cynical, and very hurt.

But, I stay in order to keep our family intact. I have been with this man for 33 years and the thought of re-inventing myself is overwhelming! Also, we are friends and continue to have fun together. If I am sounding conflicted, it is because I am.

itispainful

I can relate. I loved my WH so deeply and for so long that even in bad times I couldn't imagine - didnt want to imagine life without him. Now? I fantasize about being alone.Living alone, doing my own thing and not having to deal with this A stuff all day everyday. He can't deal with telling me the details and believes if we keep being together, enjoying each others company it will all work out. That is not going to happen. I still like being with him, he is a very interesting man and a good companion but it is all empty. So yeah I do dream about being free of this. Can I make that final decision to leave though that is the big question.What about our family? How come we have to be the selfless ones and think about others? why can't we just do what they did and say to hell with it : this is what I want and I am going to get it!

itispainful:

I could have typed all that you wrote here, except we haven't been together as long, although it has been well over 1/2 of my life

When D day first happened, with all the shock and disgust, I still felt all sorts of passion for my WS. Strange, but true. So, I really wanted full R and he was really being wonderful, although he is not the kind of man to talk and share about the A. But his actions spoke loudly and R felt right.

Now, I find myself thinking more about life on my own. I know that no matter what, I will carry this betrayl with me the rest of my life. I am changed.....less trusting, more cynical, and very hurt.

But, I stay in order to keep our family intact. I have been with this man for 33 years and the thought of re-inventing myself is overwhelming! Also, we are friends and continue to have fun together. If I am sounding conflicted, it is because I am.

It is an amazing feeling to hear from those who truly understand. Thank you. I really love my IC, however I have often realized that she just hasn't lived with the awful heart-wrenching pain of betrayal and the resulting wild mood swings. I send all good wishes and hugs to you, the support I am now feeling is so nice.

Question, even though I think of leaving often, will I ever be free of this pain? What do you think?

Just found this thread. I tried to read all the pages of posts, but some days, I get to the point that "I can't read any more." I can't believe there is this much pain in the world.

I am totally in limbo. My husband's infidelity was 6+ years ago ... I found out a little over 5 years ago. At first, he answered questions, but I wasn't buying any of it. I don't know if I believe there was MORE infidelity than he admitted, but I know the details about the infidelity were not legit. (To this day, he still holds that he wasn't being sexual when he sent a picture of his erect penis to a stranger on the internet...she said she wanted to see it, and he remembered he had this picture of when he as with the prostitute. Or that he was on "Find A Mate" just to "talk" with someone. Or that his experience with the prostitute sickened him - my question would be...then why were you snapping pictures? And do prostitutes "fix" in the mirror, and take all their clothes off to give a BJ?) OK - got off on a rant there, sorry.

After a while of my hysterics, and his answering questions in ways I could not accept, he no longer would talk about it. Now, if I bring it up, he rolls his eyes, looks at the clock, and says, "If I didn't care, I wouldn't sit here and listen to this!"

And still, I am in limbo. I think there is something wrong with him, (unbelievable FOO issues - dad put a gun to his head and told him to call his mother a WHORE - which he refused to do).

He says he feels shame and guilt, and that he knows I will never get over it, and he actually says he has given up on having true reconciliation - and yet he stays. When I tell him that this is not healthy, he tells me to do what I have to do, or he will ask, "Do you want me to leave, or do you want to leave? Just tell me what to do."

Sometimes he tells me that he doesn't know what else to do to make things better. I ask, "Do you want me to give you a list?" He says no.

I don't know why I don't leave. Honestly, part of it is probably because I am old, let my career go to raise our kids, have no way to make money, and the kids would be devastated. Also, my husband has a disability, and my kids have special needs.

But if I am totally honest, I would have to say that its because I have a slimmer of hope that one day he will "get it" and we can be as happy as possible for the rest of our lives.

Not proud of it, but that's my situation. I guess at some point I might get fed up, but my guess is that he will die, he will not ever be truly outwardly remorseful, and I will then have no way to cling to hope.

Sorry for this downer post.

Wow...so many of us in the same place. It's been 3 yrs since dday and I have always had one foot out the door.

My H rugsweeps, keeps telling me that was in the past, let's move forward. If I hear that one more time I'm going to scream. There is so much that has happened during his 12 year LTA that I will never have full disclosure.

I think the reason I stay is fear based. Not afraid of being alone, but fear that my standard of living will be less than what it is now. It has been me that worked so hard and have gotten us to where we are financially.

It's sad to think how I could immediately go from loving my H to having no connection whatsoever now. The rose colored glasses are off and I now see a man with issues that will never be resolved. He lies, exaggerates, omits, etc.

I thought I was the only one that felt this way...

Those of you that are in IC, has it helped any of you to see clearer as to what you should or shouldn't do?

It is amazing that so many of us have a rug sweeping H. I go to IC because I really need someone to talk to about this. I have gone to a few trusted friends and to my sister, but now it is clear that I am being judged for staying with my H for so long. In IC, I feel I get to air all my concerns in a safe environment.

I still hope for clarity about what I should do. I made it clear to my H over 2 years ago that I would give him the second chance he asked for, but would leave in a heartbeat if he cheated again. So far, so good and that is the approach I stick to for now. Not easy, but no choice is going to be easy for us.

Good luck, and I hope you can find a good IC.

Fear of what I just haven’t been able to figure out yet

"the only thing to fear is fear itself"

I think that is one fo the truest things ever said.

What we often fear is the unknown.

I think for a lot us we fear stepping outside of our comfort zone, even when we are not happy in our comfort zone

However, I absolutely understand you not wanting to disrupt the family.

I think about that too. yes our kids are grown, and yes they know what happened, but we are a family, albeit a dmaged family, not the same as we were before Dday. This (the plave H and I live), is home, not just for him and me, but for our kids. They don't have to live here for it to be home, but it is like the mother ship, the "safe" place they can always return to if they need to. The place where we can all be together, and the place that ione day I hope they will bring their kids to.

So much has been lost, so much has been tarnished, so many things that I had hoped and dreamed will not come true now. But the one hope I stil have is that there will be Grandchildren, and that we will still be a family, that our Grandkids won't be part of a divided family.

I don't feel as though I am in limbo any longer, though some will say that I am as we are still neither reconciled or seperated.

It isn't that I can't decide what I want now, I have made my choice. And for now at least, my choise is to continue to live as we are.

Life is good in so many ways.

I don't need romantic love in my life, I don't need that kind of relationship, I don't need a man to make me happy.

I miss sex, oh hell do I miss sex, but hey, there are worse things than flying solo.

I am being the best that I can be and making the best of my life as it is.

Things could be worse.

this:

milia said: The problem with limbo it seems is that none of us are getting what we actually want/need to heal and fix things.

Too many unresolved issues.

Healing is difficult like this, at least for me. I want to know that I matter. It hurts to be inconsequential,

My limbo is also rooted in the realization that my H kept me in limbo during our entire M, never listening to my input, but always making me look like I was the wrong one. For 19 years I followed him around, pulling on the dog leash when I knew he was going the wrong direction, only to be dragged along and thrown morsels so I would not pull so hard, and would follow him.

I made choices based on his words, and pretenses. Those choices changed my life drastically. Then, after 19 years he decided to chuck me and the promises we had made to our children and asked for a D to M OW.

Now he is back to trying to convince me with words. "Believe my words....just give me more time to show you through my actions." DDays #2 and #3 were a wake up call to me: he didn't just make a "mistake," he is a liar, and will do anything to take care of his immediate needs/wants. Every day I don't have a post nup in my hand, I can't trust, and I think I am giving him one day too many. I should have been talking with the D lawyer yesterday, but H keeps promising the post nup, to put down roots, get a home for us, and I know that if he really does that, every minute of it he will be resenting it, because that is what he learned in his FOO.

D would stop my limbo. Life would be difficult for a while, but eventually I would find the safety and predictability I yearn for....counting on myself, and no one else. But I keep waiting for H to come through, since he is saying he is "committed to the M."

neverendinghurt:

but we are a family, albeit a dmaged family, not the same as we were before Dday. This (the plave H and I live), is home, not just for him and me, but for our kids. They don't have to live here for it to be home, but it is like the mother ship, the "safe" place they can always return to if they need to. The place where we can all be together, and the place that ione day I hope they will bring their kids to.

So much has been lost, so much has been tarnished, so many things that I had hoped and dreamed will not come true now. But the one hope I stil have is that there will be Grandchildren, and that we will still be a family, that our Grandkids won't be part of a divided family.

my feelings exactly. H came from a broken family, and that is partly why he is "damaged." He has no "mother ship" his mom moves and vacations regulary with her 3rd and now 4th H. His dad is a drag on his step mom, who is the rudder for her own children.

My own family wasn't exactly "healthy" but my parents were devoted to each other, shared their dreams, and remained faithful until death. Their mutual love left me with a wonderful gift, which I wish I could give my own children.

Those of you that are in IC, has it helped any of you to see clearer as to what you should or shouldn't do?

nofun...your sitch is very similar to mine...in our late 50s, kids are 20 something but at home, WH had 2 A's with same OW ...old gf...the first about 20 years ago and last one 3 years ago...I found out about both in 2009...the rose colored glasses are definately off. My fWH is also the king of rugsweeping. Other than the off and on suspicion now and then and the fact that I have gone through incredible changes in my perspective of my whole adult life, our days together are mostly good. I will, however, be on this fence forever I do believe.

I think it is important to have someone to talk to ongoing...I do not have anyone now b/c I/we never told anyone...I did start seeing a really good IC about 4 month after dday and continued to see her weekly, bi-weeekly, then monthly for over a year..she literally saved my sanity.I haven't seen her in almost a year...I have been fine, but have considered counseling again. My IC had a lot of experience and was great in her ability to help me find myself and pull myself up, but I don't think she had a lot of experience with the effects of infidelity. At some point we probably needed marriage counseling, but you don't do that alone. I feel that I need someone to help me get past the things I don't know...the unanswered questions, the mind movies and the missing puzzle pieces I will never have...I need someone to help me with that...maybe I should go to MC alone.

Okay, I have been living in limbo or denial for 40 years. I know how sad that sounds, but when I look back over my life since 1972 I can't remember a single weekend not thinking it was going to be my last.

I have a love/hate relationship. A child/parent relationship too. We don't have children, so can't say I stay for them.

All I see is a blinking curser.