SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is where I am sleeping these days. After my husband asked me not to come home on Friday night (written in another post thread) because he read part of the timeline and it really triggered him even though it was the early part that he knew last year, I did come home but slept in the guest room. I'm still there. He told me I could sleep in our bed 'if I wanted to.'

I don't know...I'm just so tired. Tired of feeling torn between finding something that made me feel alive (even though it was fake and full of crap and I would NEVER want to be with that person...ever, he's a piece of shit actually). I want to feel alive in my marriage, with someone I love who I think loves me.

Tired of pretending that our marriage was anything but broken even before this affair. Tired that because of this affair we now have WAY more work to do...it almost seems too much at this point. My husband has been in a bad mood for 4 years....and now I'm not allowed to be annoyed by it because I'm the one who cheated.

I'm just....tired.

[This message edited by helpemegetoverit at 6:33 PM, July 17th (Sunday)]

Trigger alert: My spidey senses tell me that you're about to hear from a lot of people who can't help but notice you're making everything about yourself.

Oh, I am sure I am, I get how this works. But right now I am just so low that I needed to post....not sure how it will help my depression to get flamed on here, but just needed someone who may understand to 'hear' me.

He doesn't want me to even come home but I knew that was a bad idea so I came home and am trying to make do with the best I can, do stuff with the kids and him, planned a special afternoon for us as a family, etc. But it is like we are right back to where we were before the affair (not a good place). I also know that I don't deserve any more than I am getting. I made my bed.

Everyone is allowed to get worn out. This is as good a place to post in that situation. I think there is a big difference between "not getting it" and getting exhausted from the situation. No flames here.

Hang in there!

This is gut check time.

You have to make the difference now. Your marriage will be the same if BOTH of you don't do anything about it.

I realize that you may feel exhausted. That's expected, but if you want to save your marriage..you have to put quadruple more the effort into it than you did your affair.

A marriage is work in itself. Adding an affair definitely makes it very difficult for it to survive.

I know you feel you want to escape. That is what you did with the affair...didn't make anything better did it?

This is the reality of the affair now. Not the fantasy you made it to be.

Your BH is now looking at what you did..it's not pretty. It never was.

If you want this marriage to survive..you are going to have to be willing to eat a lot of crow.

Let me ask you a few questions...

Have you pretty much always did what you wanted to do?

Did your BH let you do most of the things you wanted to do?

Are you use to having your way?

[This message edited by floridaredman at 7:06 PM, July 17th (Sunday)]

Jrazz, this forum is for WSes to work through their feelings. It is protected for a reason and is not the place for BSes to swing 2x4s or make snide remarks.

He told me I could sleep in our bed 'if I wanted to.'

That's a clear indicator that he is looking for you to take the initiative. He has been hurt and is no longer going to be the one to stick out the olive branch. That is now your job. Somebody has to be the bigger one in the relationship (your turn now) and take a few hits while reaching out for reconciliation.

Tired of feeling torn between finding something that made me feel alive

Nobody else can do that (make you feel alive) but you. You are seeking externally when the answer is internally. In your quest to feel alive, you will find many things do the trick, but none of them will stand the test of time. They are distractions and not your authentic self. Also, let me say that life is not a joy ride. There are some real potholes in the road. I believe they are all there to teach us a lesson. It's always nice when you have someone to hold your hand through those times that has seen the best and worst of you, has exposed the best and worst of them, and still supports you/wants to be with you. I hope you find the person that you can reciprocate that to. Good luck.

[This message edited by positively4thst at 7:48 PM, July 17th (Sunday)]

I'm proud of you, HMGOI. I think my WH had very similar feelings when he finally came home. In fact, he was home for about a month before things finally "clicked" for him.

He had spent so much time rewriting our history that he didn't know hot to deal with reality. He had made such a mess (far beyond the affair) that I'm sure he felt like he was in quicksand, just struggling to deal with the magnitude of the situation.

Hang in there. The WS's here on SI are amazing. They won't steer you in the wrong direction. You are doing great, and with time and the work I know you are willing to do, I am hopeful that you will be able to see how far you've come.

It is a new week. You can do this!

Sometimes small steps help . . . (sometimes not, but lets go with the thought they might)

So . . . take some time and think of one thing that is completely within your control that if you did it, you would feel like it was productive for you, your husband and your relationship . . . just one thing . . . that is completely within your control . . . do that. The hard part might be thinking of the one thing, so set aside some time and a place where you can clear your mind and think it through.

Start there and move forward . . .

good luck

helpmegetoverit,

I seem to remember that you are still not very far along with actual NC, just a month or so in, is that right?

I want to encourage you to hang in there.

You've already figured out that it was the feelings (not the person) that you were attached to. It took me months and months to figure that out (thank you Inchoate!) but once I did, enough time of NC had passed that I was able to begin really detaching from both the person and the feelings. I still have triggery, difficult moments, but overall I've made a lot of progress.

It seems like you are detached from the person but perhaps you just need more time to get through the withdrawal from the feelings. For me, at least, it really has gotten better with time.

What do you have to lose if you move out of the guest room and back into the bedroom, if he doesn't object to you being there?

Your post made me think of this poem; Rumi was a Sufi poet. Hang in there...

The Guest House (Rumi)

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

I know as a bs that "If you want to" comments are definitely backhanded invitations. We don't want to lose what little control we have by feeling like, in this case, we have asked you to leave, you didn't and now a day later we are asking you to come back to our bed. We want you back in the bed but our pride (I know pride is a sin) just won't allow us to admit it out loud to you. As a bs I don't think I could ever say "please come back to the bedroom and hold me and tell me you l love me and that you are sorry." instead we give the backhanded invites hoping you will be able to see through all our pain and know what we actually need/want. I hope that helps.

I reread your post a few times, and one comment I would like to make, if you do decide you dont want your marriage to work, do your BS a favour and yourself and leave because you're unhappy not because you have someone else. Having said that, I honestly and truly believe that the big prize is waiting at the end of this dark, long road. That's when you and your BS will look at each other and feel love like you've never before. It's just making sure you have enough provisions and get enough rest on the long journey down this road...

can't help but notice you're making everything about yourself.

It's HER thread about HER feelings. She accepts the blame for HER choices.

Who else should she post about?

I'm just....tired.

This is a statement that has a different meaning for WSs. To be sure, BSs also reach a point of exhaustion from this whole mess. A (remorseful) WS has to accomplish the work of R, fix themselves, and KNOW that they are the reason for it all. It's a burden that wears you down. But you have to keep moving forward.

I say this to tell you this, hmgoi: the STOP sign is your friend. Don't be afraid to use it.

Hang in there. We ALL get worn down and I've come to expect it. During those times, just remind yourself that it will pass and you have to keep your eyes on the end result.

I have to agree. It sounds like your husband was giving you a backhanded request because he doesn't want to be rejected. If you want to be close to your BH sleep in bed with him. As a BS once we have been hurt it is hard to put ourselves out their to be rejected. It's a good sign that he said that. Stay the course, fight the good fight! You can do it!

Hi all,

Wanted to respond, and also let you know that I did sleep in our bed last night. Husband is away a few nights this week (as he is almost every week) but I'll stay there as long as he'll have me.

Let me ask you a few questions...

Have you pretty much always did what you wanted to do?

Did your BH let you do most of the things you wanted to do?

Are you use to having your way?

I would say yes to most of this. I tend to be very driven. I wanted to go to graduate school, so I did. Ended up in a good sales career afterwards. My husband moved (we were dating at the time) to be with me during graduate school.

I wanted to move closer to be with family and after MNY discussions, we did (note: this ended up being a VERY hard transition and most likely contributed to the downfall of our marriage and my affair).

I wanted to quit my job and get into the career I am now, and while it required considerable buy-in from my husband both emotionally and financially, I did it.

He does say that I tend to do what I want with my life. I have encouraged him NUMEROUS times to do the same but he has never found anything that he has passion about. He also feels most of the financial burdon since he makes about 6 times what I make.

I seem to remember that you are still not very far along with actual NC, just a month or so in, is that right?

Yes, I am barely 2.5 weeks from our second and most devastating DDay when it was outed to OMW and REALLY ended our relationship.

I am most certainly still in the withdrawal phase. Some moments it's all I can do not to try to contact him (although those are few and far between now and I think he would file a restraining order if I did :-) ). I still struggle with the fantasy but am slowing coming out of that.

I say this to tell you this, hmgoi: the STOP sign is your friend. Don't be afraid to use it.

I am always torn on this....honestly, I like to hear the BS responses, even if they are harsh. I like to get the insight from the other side since my husband doesn't share much about what he is going through.

Thanks for answering the questions.

You always getting your way has been a stumbling block for your boundaries.

You can get in the mindset of

"If I want it..I'm going to get it"

Appears to be the same with OM. You want him..but can't have him..which drives you to want him more since you are use to getting your way.

People who learn to sacrifice are willing to give up things. Even if it hurts them as long as the thing they are giving up is helpful to someone else.

You have to learn this. You have to be willing to sacrifice your own hurt for your BH.

The yearning for OM is nothing more than you wanting to have your way.

In this situation..that can't happen.

Being selfless is a virtue.

Being selfish creates victims

Being selfless is a virtue.

Being selfish creates victims

I think it is a question of balance. Being selfless can create victims too. It appears your husband has been selfless in this marriage.

You mentioned that you wanted to move close to your family and that was a trauma to your relationship.

Why? Was that something your husband wanted as well? The change in your job that required such sacrifice from him...what did you give back?

Your move didn't contribute to your affair.

You state your husband had nothing he's passionate about. He's passionate about his family. He's sacrificed and worked so you have been free to pursue what you want both career wise and location.

That's his passion. He hasn't had an opportunity to explore anything else.

That can work in marriages. I supported my ex while he went to school and got training in a field he was interested in. He lost his job as a firefighter because of his schedule. The understanding was he would support while I took classes as well when he was finished. Thar never happened but I've seen it work in marriages where two people work together.

You need to learn to give. You need to reach in to your inner child and give her a much needed time out. So often we ignore our inner child. Yours is running amok and is a spoiled brat. Time to put the adult in charge.

"If you want to" sounds like a cry for comfort and reassurance to me.

Aww honey. I always say what was the truth in the past is a different truth in the now. You have to focus on the now.. To move forward you have to stay on the now and the future ok?

Your feelings matter don't think they don't.

You mentioned that you wanted to move close to your family and that was a trauma to your relationship.

Why? Was that something your husband wanted as well? The change in your job that required such sacrifice from him...what did you give back?

Our plan had always been to move back (we were within an hour of here before we moved about 9 years ago). We actually only expected to stay there for 18 months while I was in school, but we were in a place near all of my college friends and just really really had a lot of fun. Bought our first house, had our first child, etc. The entire time trying to figure out when we would go back......

It was hard for BOTH of us to leave. We really really liked the area, but being 7 hours away from both sets of parents was hard and we watched our friends kids having some nice 'grandma and grandpa' time and wanted that for our kids. We also probably would not have been able to afford to move to a bigger house in that area as it was a very affluent area.

But the move was hard on both of us. I had a baby 3 weeks after we got here, and we both basically had no friends. I think we have both spent the last 3 years wondering if we made a mistake in moving. It was very hard on us, our marriage, etc. We both firmly agree that the A wouldn't have happened had we stayed there because I had such a nice network of friends to rely on when my husband was gone all week every week. Obviously there is no way to know for sure, but our problems all started after the transition. I have created a new network here and just in the past months have finally 'seen the light at the end of the tunnel' but my husband still has not made friends, so it is still hard for him. He became friends with all of my friend's husbands in that last area, so he's not necessarily 'good' at making friends on his own.