SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am standing at the crossroad of divorce....finally freeing my H of my infidelity. I'm a coward. I'm filled with fear. I have always struggled with big fear of abandonment issues and a slew of other FOO issues. I have done 3 years of IC and MC for 7 months. During all of this, I was committed to my H. Our marriage pre-affair had so many issues. I have mirrored my parents marriage. My H treated me as my dad treated my mom. Verbal abuse...emotional witholding, some small physical issues between us both. I slid nicely into the affair. It became my refuge.

After d-day both parties fought for their marriages. My OM is now divorced. I'm standing on here with one foot in my M and one in the OM's life.

If you knew me you would think I'm a functional, professional woman. I'm not a whore. I'm not. I'm a loving caring woman. I teach handicapped children. I have a heart. I'm perhaps broken and flawed....and my choices have been despicable.

Why can't I let my H go? Why does he continue to hold onto me? I'm living in a triangle where I have stood on the fence in limbo. I've made promises to both men.

I know the first reaction to me is "wake up" idiot. But please don't judge me harshly.

How does one know how to proceed? I have read this site for 3 years. I read and take in WS and BS thoughts. I read BS filled with rage at the indecision of their WS. But I am here to say, it is a horrendous situation. I want to have boundries, a life filled with integrity, and life quietly. I never entered an affair lightly. But my God I have hurt people. I see the error of my ways. I have worked to find the why's. But none of that makes life decisions easier.

The knot in my chest is so huge. How does one know which way to go...the fork in the road lies before me. My heart tells me to cut loose my H. We have both hung on far too long.

Please, someone give me a compass. I'm so horribly lost.

I'm standing on here with one foot in my M and one in the OM's life.

If you are or feel that you are in any way part of "the OM's life", then you have never been in "reconciliation".

I have done 3 years of IC and MC for 7 months.

Did your IC know that you have maintained contact with the OM???

During all of this, I was committed to my H.

No. Not if you kept the OM in your head or more.

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 1:50 PM, October 24th (Monday)]

You cannot R without going NC with the OM. Do you love your husband? Do you want your marriage? If you do you should go NC immediately and stay NC.

There cannot be a marriage of three. You have to decide what you want.

You cannot got out of this situation until you make up your mind that you are going to do something one way or the other. Please don't keep your husband on a string. Either commit to him or go.

Verbal abuse...emotional witholding, some small physical issues between us both.

does this dynamic still exist?

Does your husband know that you've been in contact with your OM still? He should know if he doesn't. But it's cruel and unfair to make him the bad guy to end a marriage you seemingly don't want.

I have worked to find the why's. But none of that makes life decisions easier.

Gently, I don't find this remotely true at all. If you knew your whys, doing the right thing, is in fact, clear and obvious, even if it means ending your marriage.

Thank you for the feedback. I always hesitate posting on this site as it feels like the only folks allowed are those that CLEARLY know what to do....reconcile. What about those of us, and I know I'm not alone, who simply don't know?

The abuse has subsided and we are definately in a honeymoon phase. What I believe to be true is that me proceeding toward divorce actually woke my H up to the reality of our M. We did 8 months of MC where he dug his heels in angrily and would not relent. Now, when I have finally gathered my courage to take care of myself....he comes forward with proclamations to become less controlling, mean and nasty.

I did not continue contact with the OM for the whole part of MC. I fully committed. Now, the OM is working hard to clean up his mess, divorce, work on IC...and I see a clearer vision ahead with him.

Sometimes I wonder if my A was an exit A? I was desperate and weak. I always relented and stayed in my M. I found solace with OM because he really is a good person.

As I was driving this morning I realized I may make the wrong choice. I have lived so much of my life in fear. Fear of what "others" think...fear of abandonement, fear of change.

During my last 2 years I did an intensive seven day small group therapy at a well known clinic. It dealt sepcifically with love addiction. I DID dig deep. Deeper than anyone can do in one hour weekly sessions. I attended an ongoing support group with a trained love addiction therapist for a year. i truly have dug to the whys. It's now deciding if my marriage is right for me.

I have prayed, journaled, mediatated, talked, and hoped for a clear cut answer.

I remain on the fence. Can my H change? Do men change their behaviors after abuse to that degree? Will I forever live in the shadows of this affair?

I'm trying to sort it out.

);

I don't know if abusive people can change or not.

But I do think that if you leave the marriage that you need to be on your own for a little while and not jump into a relationship with the AP. I think you need time to decide who you are and what you want to do with your life first.

You need to decide first what you are going to do. Do you stay in your marriage and go NC or do you divorce? That is something only you can answer.

Ask yourself this....

Are you better with your husband or better without?

Sand crab...yes, so much at stake. These life decisions are crucial. I agree at not rushing in and I keep hearing that from others. I think that is part of my issue--I want things done and over on my timeline, speedily. I don't like conflict and how it feels. I don't like wasting time. I have learned through this that standing in one's truth is the only way to live. Now I have to figure out how to slow down my need to fix everything. My codependence is really showing!

I always hesitate posting on this site as it feels like the only folks allowed are those that CLEARLY know what to do....reconcile.

I hope you understand that those of us who posted on your thread are not, in any way, telling you to reconcile. What we are saying is that you cannot make a decision in a triangle. You need to cut off contact with the OM, get over him, and then make a decision about your marriage.

It may well be that the OM is the one you are meant to be with, that your H is not meant to be your life partner. That is perfectly reasonable. But you cannot make that decision until your head is clear.

I did not continue contact with the OM for the whole part of MC. I fully committed. Now, the OM is working hard to clean up his mess, divorce, work on IC...and I see a clearer vision ahead with him.

So you renewed contact with the OM. You are still in the affair. I would guess that you never maintained mental NC, that he was always in your head. Which means that you were never really in R.

That is totally fine. Divorce your husband, like, yesterday.

It is not wrong to divorce someone that you don't feel is your life partner. It is wrong to make him an unwilling part of a triangle.

Unexpected....The million dollar question....honestly I was not ever able to get OM out of my head mentally. You are so spot on. He was always my "addiction" or my back up plan. I made him out to be the villain until he actually got divorced. And now I see myself hanging on due to fear of losing him!

I truly think it would take me years or maybe never to get AP out of my head. I think I am looking for a savior.... Not a husband!

Thank you for nudging me.

honestly I was not ever able to get OM out of my head mentally

All those therapists, groups, books, even your love addiction therapist... did any of them give you techniques for getting the OM out of your head? Or did you keep the OM a secret in your head?

I truly think it would take me years or maybe never to get AP out of my head

This is not true. You have to be honest with yourself. You don't want to let the AP go. Why is that?

I fully committed.

No, you never fully committed to your marriage. You kept the OM in your head the entire time. What are you afraid of if you commit to your husband? Do you feel emotionally unsafe with him? Are you with him because your family and friends think you should be with him?

Who abandoned you when you were little? Are you transferring any of those feelings onto your husband?

Obviously my addiction work didn't work as I wasn't able to let go. Your questions are EXCELLENT....I have felt emotionally unsafe my entire marriage. My husband is a very unemotional man and always resented my emotional personality. I have always felt vulnerable in that way. I think staying married would mean I would resign myself to staying in a marriage where I didn't have the emotional piece. Can I do that? I don't know.

It boils down to realizing that at age 48 I have to grow up and take responsibility.

I have felt emotionally unsafe my entire marriage. My husband is a very unemotional man

I think that, in spite of your protestations to the contrary, you feel safe with an unemotional man. I think that that is how you define love.

I would bet that the OM is also unemotional. I am sure that, during the affair and now (which is still the same affair), he talks and emotes. You realize that emoting is the currency of affairs, right? There is no silent affair. But I believe that if you and the OM end up together, you would be in the exact same kind of marriage - the OM would become the husband / partner that you feel you have to protect yourself from.

You need to figure out that piece before you can let down your guard with anyone.

Lifelesson, your husband sounds quite a bit like my ex. I opted to divorce. If you've read any of my posts you'll see the work I've had to do, and still continue to do on myself has been very difficult and painful.

That doesn't change whether you decide to reconcile with your BS and yourself or yourself alone.

US has asked great questions. The OP (I hate the "my" ) has just as much work to do no matter what he and his BS decide.

The thing you need to realize is that when you and the OP do the hard work needed there will be nothing left bonding you two as it was a wholly dysfunctional bond.

Keeping him in your mind is like curing your cancer but choosing to hang on to the tumor.

This is such great food for thought. You both cut close to home and I do believe you helped me surface a big piece of this puzzle. At the end of the day I have to admit that OP is as flawed as my husband. Just in different ways. He has foo issues galore. I think I initially based my decisions on one or the other of the two men being more "emotionally intelligent" but my husband comes up short. However the OP, although more emotionally available--could in time close me off once he has won me over. Will I then replace his XW in his mess?

I have to admit that OP is as flawed as my husband

Well, everyone has flaws...

However the OP, although more emotionally available--could in time close me off once he has won me over

This is my belief, based on absolutely no data... but based on the kind of person I think you would choose and how you would affect each other.

I don't think it's necessarily the OP or your H. I think that you would close yourself off, regardless. When someone is in the position of holding your heart in his hands, you protect yourself.

What was your H like during courtship?

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 1:17 PM, October 25th (Tuesday)]

Unexpected,

We dated only 9 months before marriage. He is 7.5 years younger than me. Our age seemed irrelevant at that time. I guess when we dated I was in a hurry to get married! I was 36 and heard my clock ticking. He seemed so "stable" and I liked that about him. But now he seems just so controlling and although I crave that stability I also crave emotion closeness. It seems neither of us can do it. With OP it came so easily. Then again you made the point that in affairs our "dialogue" is so different. Do we present ourselves and sell ourselves as this ideal person?

I do fear being known for the real me.

Although the real me is stronger and gentler than ever before....I still feel like the vulnerable little girl inside!

(side note....do you attend any SLAA or SA groups?) based on your signature you identify as SA???

I have been diagnosed SA by my IC and a CSAT. I do not attend any group, just do lots of reading, being here on this site, and talking to my H and a couple of IRL friends. It is shocking how just telling someone that the urge to hunt is starting up dissipates its power.

Secrecy is the strongest link in the compulsion chain. Break that and the others are much easier to deal with.

[This message edited by UnexpectedSong at 6:10 PM, October 25th (Tuesday)]

I attended a SA/LA group lead by my therapist with 4 men/4 women for over a year. It was an amazing group. Yes, secrecy and boundaries are the two biggies. I have learned that recovery is a lifelong process. I think that I need to learn to trust my own judgement now.

What would your group say about your renewing contact with the OM?