SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would like to ask other BS's if you also have a need to know "everything" about your WS affair. My WS can't understand why I need to know all the ugly details. He thinks this is stopping us from moving forward. Just when I think that I don't have any more questions something triggers and I have a whole new set. Does everyone need to know all the details or is it just some people? For the people who don't feel the need to know everything don't you wonder about the things you don't ask? My WH is being very honest and answering all questions ( more or less) and we both find it excruciatingly painful. I know the unasked and unanswered questions will cause a rot to set in for me. In the past I let things go and didn't insist on answers and look where I find myself! And does the need to ask the questions ease at some point?

I did.

I had been lied to so much, and my life was so *different* than I actually thought, that I needed to know EXACTLY what I was dealing with.

Also, my imagination was usually worse than reality.

And, most of all, it ended the "special secrets" that FWW & OPs shared; there were no secrets between them any more.

It's also good for WSs (IMO) to have to actually confront and fess up to the shitty things they did. They don't want to tell you because they are ashamed and don't want to feel like a Bad Person - NOT because they don't want to hurt you or are trying to protect you, blah blah. If they didn't want to hurt you, they wouldn't have cheated in the first place!

To me it seems very convenient for a WS to "not want to hurt you" or "not want to put us through any more" AFTER the fact. At the same time, they can compartmentalize what they did and pretend it wasn't soooo bad.

I needed to know everything. Thank God FWW stopped TT'ing me after a month.

I asked questions in stages. Some things I didn't need to know right away and later wanted answers to those questions. Some things I couldn't handle knowing right away.

I needed to know. I needed to know a lot of the ugly details. Like Crossbow said, my imagination was way worse than the actual details.

If I thought of a question, I would wait a day, think about if I really wanted the answer and then ask. Sometimes I decided I didn't want to know or that the answer wouldn't make a difference. Also- we set aside a time to ask questions so it wasn't constant peppering with questions. For me, it has really helped my healing.

Early on, I did want to ask a ton of questions and get details on the A. Now, I could care less, I really could....

I needed to know everything, but he says he "forgot" a lot... so I snooped and found out stuff on my own, including things he said didn't happen (they did).

So I decided he's lying or conveniently forgetting, but until he owned up to his actions I felt forced to discover on my own.

I discovered enough to not need to know any more.

I just wished he'd told me before I found out on my own, ah well.

bbw

Yes, I needed to know everything and I feel I know everything about the affair. There are other things that I don't know and those things are tearing me apart and that is exactly why some of us need to know everything. We need to know because we tear ourselves apart and fill in the blanks ourselves and probably fill it in with worse than the truth. You need to know because you need to know. You and only you get to say what you need in order to move forward.

My WH was like yours in the beginning. He didn't feel it was good for me to ask some of the questions I asked. I told him that if he doesn't answer my questions, than I will fill in the blanks with my own answers which were probably worse than the truth.

As other said, when the WS answers all of the questions and puts it all out there, it takes away the specialness they felt they had with the AP and that is what needs to happen. There should be no specialness or secrets between them as it takes away from the marriage even more.

Also, truth is likely the only thing that will set you free to decide what you really and truly want. I think filling in the blanks with our own answers is detrimental to our mental health, which is why the WS should answer any and all questions truthfully.

Again, only you get to say what you need for healing. It is denial of the truth that keeps us back. Truth helps to move us forward.

Keep asking the questions you need answered. If it is exhausting to your WS and exhausting to you, then set aside an agreed upon time for questions and answers. Sometimes it is better to do it in MC rather than on our own. A third party can keep things under control. My WH and I have had many conversations about his affair that have gotten out of control and caused more damage. However, it is sometimes hard to wait until the next MC appointment in order to get our answers.

For the people who don't feel the need to know everything don't you wonder about the things you don't ask?

I am one who doesn't need all the details Just the fact of the A and how long were enough for me. It was the why we had to work on.

I didn't feel that I needed to live that betrayal with them in order for me to realize the problem.

Besides what does knowing the details get you but more pain that does not deal with the problem, and make you hurt more. It has nothing to do with healing.

Although I must admit over the years I learned more than I wanted to know through TT. But I was still set on my goal to R and did not question or push any of that. ...... Nothing can ever be unheard.

I needed to know every tiny detail and really feel that it helped me to know as much as I do. For me, it is better than wondering.

I needed to know everything. Once I had a real answer, I could file it away. The "wondering" was the hardest part, and like most, I filled in the blanks with the worst case ( safest ) scenario. IN some cases, I was right, in most, I was wrong.

In the end, we need to know because we need to know that we can get the truth from our spouse, no matter how painful it may be.

I don't think I REALLY needed the details because I needed the details, I just think I needed them because I needed to hear the truth, instead of more minimized bullshit.

My deal with my wife is that I am not going to walk around believing a single thing that isn't true, and that this is HER responsibility. If, in a year, I ask a question and get a different answer, or find out the truth on my own, the deal is off, and I'm gone.

It is very common for the wayward to say that your questions are "setting you back." Well, they are the one that got you in this place and they don't get to dictate how yout get out.

Your questions are not unnatural or abnormal. You ask what you need to ask. I thought of new questions to ask for years. I still do now and again. It's what I need to heal and he is obligated to assist me.

I needed to know the time line. I needed to know a lot of things. And I kept asking, even when he would B**S*** me. Until I wore him down. I hated that he didn't want to give the answers. It made me feel like he was still trying to keep the fantasy. The more I made him answer the questions the less there was in the "fantasy" world he created. But the answers, as painful as they were, were better than the mind movies and fears that I was creating on my own in my head. The truth, in my opinion, does set you free. Free to choose.

arais:

I haven't read all the responses, but yes to all your questions.

And, yes a lot of WS and mine want to just rugsweep and not answer the questions.

But I do think the unknown will cause a rot inside you.

I am sorry you are going through this, too.

The fact that your WS is answering your questions is a very very encouraging sign.

It was suggested to me that meting out the questions in small doses is a good idea rather than asking too many questions at once.

Also, the type of question you ask is important.

For example I was cautioned not to ask if she was a better lover than I because the answer may be very hurtful.

basically all affair sex is better than married sex. It's the same type of sex that is so intoxicating at the beginning of any new relationship.

A stable marriage can not compete with the newness of sex in an affair or any new relationship.

But affair sex is fantasy land. So, don't forget that.

I did. I needed to know my life. And didnt want others to know more about my "M" than I did.

If that bothers your WH, tell him to eat it.

I needed to know...to help me understand how this infidelity thing could happen to us. I used all the bits and pieces to put together the puzzle of infidelity. I didn't understand how this could happen and still don't fully understand. I feel that if I have all the answers to my questions, I'll understand it. My H also "forgot" a lot of stuff. He also skirted around a lot of questions I asked, which makes things worse. What's wrong with just being honest and owning up to what he did? Getting the answers to the questions I have, seems to me, to help in understanding this mess-which I still don't understand. If the WS thinks they're sparing you some pain by not answering questions, they're hurting you even more. It's like they're still keeping secrets. When my H doesn't answer a question I feel like he's got a secret with OW whore and I'm the outsider. I NEED to know to understand.

I needed every single detail. My husband got the heaves and threw up disclosing some of them. Electro-shock therapy

For myself, I had to put myself in all those memories, actions and words. I had to remove the bond that they represented. I know all the dirty secrets, so that they can no longer be used to hurt me. If ap ever decides to be callous towards me, I am heavily armed and extremely dangerous to ap's "good christian" persona that ap likes to flaunt.