SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been reading repeatedly that the 2 most important things to do is to expose the affair and 180.

I have had a very hard time doing 180 on my WW. I want to talk to her. I want us to be friendly. But she continues the A and whenever I ask her to reconsider she says she cannot leave the OM.

Yesterday she said that now she has STRONG FEELINGS for him. I cannot continue living this way.

You all have also stated that by keeping her secret I am enabling the affair.

Last night she left again for a sleepover with the OM. Every one of the kids were asking "Where is Mommy?" My response was that she was with a friend. Of course the younger kids wouldn't understand and do not need to know the details but the teenagers are certainly piecing things together.

I need to push that we have a family discussion with the older kids ASAP and get the truth out. I think what will bring that out is when I file. I am looking at the finances and I think I will have enough money to start things rolling on the 15th. Then we will have to say something.

In the meantime, I wrote a long letter to her best friend and sent it via Facebook telling her my side of the story and how WW used the BF as cover on two occasions when she was with the OM. The BF is very opposed to affairs and I know that she is not happy with my WW.

I don't know if this was a good thing to do or not but it is out there. She may just forward it on to my WW or just ignore it but I am not covering for her any more.

I do not want this D and I cannot be a party to this A. Everything is what makes her happy while I am turning inside out. I expect WW to go ballistic over this but ... so what? I told her I would fight for her and I was not going to disappear quietly. And I am being very fair and discreet still and not blabbing to everyone who could give her grief.

If she cannot handle the fall out from her actions, that is not my problem!

Expose and 180, hard.

IMO your best chances at surviving her A at this time.

There's an old saying, "when you play with fire you get burned."

There will be consequences for her actions, unfortunately she is bringing everyone close to her into the flames as well. Put the fire out and get your family back in order.

Got a response from WW's Best Friend. She is appalled by WW's behavior and told her it needs to stop. So WW has distanced herself from the best friend she ever had becasue she disapproves of the A.

Is this guy that worth it that she not only throws me away, cannot see how she is tearing apart her family but also essentially drops her best friend and the hiking she was so passionate about?

Now I understand what you mean by the fog. Is there anyway to bring her head out of the clouds?

I ask her to reconsider she says she cannot leave the OM.

This OM.....he married???

Do you know who he is??

Your wife is NOT a good source of information....can you verify this without asking her???

Have you talked to an attorney, bro.....i think you may need to "lawyer up".....openly dating should be a dealbreaker. I didnt want a D either.....but it took me "filing for divorce" to get her attention that i wasnt gonna deal with her "dating" that SOB either.....

I cannot continue living this way.

Nope....dont expect ya to, either... I know i couldnt...and didnt.

I want us to be friendly.

I think your marriage is way past the "friendly" stage.....you need to get pissed....

gahurts.....bro, this shit sucks...it does....but you now have 2 choices...you can decide live with her openly dating...or not. You can file or not....its the only 2 choices you have....

She may be having an exit affair....i dont know all the details of your marriage....or....she could be one of those people that are cake eaters...she wants to be married to you, and have something on the side...

cake eaters will say shit like..."ILYBINILWY".....i want to seperate - but NOT get a divorce...in essence...shes cheating for "shits and giggles", she needs outside validation from other men for that "feel good" escape from reality.....self medication for pre-affair issues...much like a junkie on crack...

This type of cheater are lookin' for that "high"....again, like an addict...and will engage in addictive behaviors like drinking, drugging, spending money, gambling...video games....or having affairs.

They are NOT in love...they are "addicted" to that giddy feeling they get while texting and "hooking up with other men".... Affairs are a self medicating behavior..it is a selfish action by a "broken person".

Affairs are new, exciting...and forbidden....and they are bullshit. Affairs are rainbows, disneyland, and unicorns.....and they are bullshit.

Your wife may be in a "fog"......we're in love, we're soulmates, he understands me....yada, yada, yada.....more bullshit.

your wife needs a "reality check"....big time. You are not gonna "nice guy" her back to reality....wont happen. She will not end her affair as long as the benifits shes recieving from the cheating is greater than the benifits she gets from being married to you and not having boyfriends...real or imagined....(cheating is all one big fantasy - its an escape from reality - remember?)......

Outing the affair to the OMs wife and your kids, family members, friends etc will help that fantasy end.....exposure is reality...

She has rewritten your maritial history...(imagined perspective) in her mind to "justify" her cheating......thus making her decision to cheat...your fault.

Her cheating...you did not cause it, cant control it...and you cannot fix it. You can however, control your reactions to her decision to cheat.....

No man should sit by and watch his wife....

Last night she left again for a sleepover with the OM.

...time for you to do something different....

Im not trying to beat ya up bro...your wife is already doing that.....

Dude....you have the option of not staying married to a woman that is openly dating another man.....time for you to draw that line in the dirt....make a stand...and "back it up".....

Keep us posted...

Bufffalo

Bufffalo,

I know you are right. And I have reached my limit. I met a lawyer the Monday after D-Day. It will cost me $1500 for a uncontested divorce. She has nothing so I do not see how she can contest it. Payday is on the 15th and I will be making an appointment on the 11th (happens to be my b-day) and give them a check to file papers the following Tuesday.

Money has been a big issue and she has had me in the fog of not wanting to throw her out on the street without anything. Well I can help her out a little (I am not heartless) but she can get some money from family or the OM to cover her expenses. I'm cutting her off.

She wants to have as normal a Christmas for the kids as possible. That has clearly become that she wants things to be like this until then. My IC said that was OK if I chose to accept that for the sake of the kids. Then she asked if I could do that. At the time I said I don't know. Well I learned this weekend that this is unacceptable.

I have also been worried about how I could manage the kids. Well I can find a way.

I may have to wait until the money comes in but it is time for some action on my part.

As hard as it will be: 180 starts tonight!

Yes the OM is married and going through his own divorce which supposedly has taken 2 years.

How can I find out how to get in touch with his BS? I wonder if she would be interested in this latest news.

Dude...you are in the exact same position I am in. My WW now lives with the OM. My oldest son is starting to clue in on everything, the younger kids are clueless, but they sure do know that mommy isn't around much anymore, at all. My WW is now incommunicado with her best friend, most of her family, and everybody else who tells her the A is stupid, wrong, and so very completely selfish.

The first thing you need to do is to get the WW completely out of the house. If she isn't 100% working with you to try to fix the marriage, she ain't your wife right now, and she definitely ain't your concern. She is picking somebody else to fill her emotional needs, that jackass can also meet her financial needs!

About the holidays, I am trying the other way. Full 180 for yourself is completely necessary for survival. As far as special occasions, do what you gotta do. If you do go for the 'special occasion relationship', like I am trying to do, know that she DOESN'T deserve it, you are giving it to her as a gift...and it is ONLY for the children. If you are using it as a last grasp at what you had, it makes 180 impossible. If you don't share special occasions with the WW, well, she sowed the wind, she can reap the whirlwind.

Hang in there, gahurts, it sucks ass to be where you're at, but the good news when you're on the bottom of the world is that you can only go up from here...and it's going to get even worse for her when the shit hits the fan.

[This message edited by WTFfatheroffive at 10:05 PM, November 6th (Sunday)]

On the whole I agree with Buffalo.

I disagree with him on one point. I don't think I would directly out her to the kids. Don't lie for her, but just out of the blue telling them the full story will likely seriously hurt chances of R --if you still think you would want to R. Utmost raises the stakes and intensity level too much.

The older ones will figure it outontheirown soon enough and explain it to the younger ones as best they can

You will need to be ready to truthfully verify when they do ask; I just wouldn't initiate it.

Right now, she's choosing the A over family, so she needs the FULL experience of what that entails. No pretending of normalcy beccause right now there is none. Holidays, she can do her's, the rest of your family will have yours.

As far as the kids, DO not lie or minimize for her, be totally honest.

She needs to feel the FULL consequences of her actions. If that means ailienating her, so be it. She made that bed.

making the A a difficult place to be is an effective tool if your want R.

A good friend of mine told his 3 teenage daughter from jump street what there mom was involved in. When all 3 told her they no longer considered her as their mother, it hit my friends WW like a brick. He combined that with filing for D, and exposure to everyone; instant defog.

Best of luck and prayers to you.

Yes the OM is married and going through his own divorce which supposedly has taken 2 years.

This information...you get it from your wife??

gahurts....cheaters lie, bro....at this point in my FWWs A...i didntbelieve anything she said....and only half of what i saw.

A 2 year divorce??? .....sounds kinda hinky to me...another tactic WW/WH will use....the other spouse is dying, is crazy, is suicidal, is violent....you see where i an going with this....

Do you know who he is??? Name?? You can check her facebook....talk to her friends...google OMs name....etc.

Need to verify his maritial status....WITHOUT getting information from your wife.....

Bufffalo

Yes this was information my WW gave me before the cheating started. When she first met him and was telling me about all the people she met he and his situation was one of several.

Apparently the OM and his BW agreed to some kind of divorce proceedings where both parties have to agree 100% or they cannot move forward. After talking to my own lawyer this sounds fishy.

When I first suspected the A, I found directions to his house when I was snooping. I did a people search and found that the place was his butI felt so guilty that I deleted all the info.

Last night I did some more googling and found out his BW's name. I am going to pay the few bucks to get the public records and try to make contact with her. Let's find out what is really going on and just what Mr. Wonderful has to hide.

GREAT!! [sarcasm off]

I was so distracted this morning that I just got in a fender bender. The bumper of my truck is damaged as is the fender of the other guys car and his headlamp.

Saturday I almost got in a collision when I made a right on red (I don't even know if I realized the light was red) and cut some guy off with only about a foot to spare.

I've got to get my head on!!!

I did hold tight on the 180 last night when WW came home and then again this morning only telling her specific things and keeping it short and specific. I did call her when I got in the accident to tell her that I was in a wreck because I was distracted. Gave her the info she needed - I am OK the truck is drivable. But that was it. She did say she was sorry it happened.

Well WW IT'S YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!

ga....

Try to "slow down", bro....(no pun intended).

Do some digging....without telling your wife....telling her will allow them time for damage control.

Try to eat....get some rest....exercise helps....beware the "infidelity diet"....it WILL slim you down....

Always remember that her cheating is NOT your fault...you have zero blame in her making the decision to cheat.....

If your WW is still dating....go with the assumption that the marriage is over....and procede accordingly....

Keep us posted.....180!!!

Bufffalo

gahurts,

YES, this does sound fishy:

Apparently the OM and his BW agreed to some kind of divorce proceedings where both parties have to agree 100% or they cannot move forward. After talking to my own lawyer this sounds fishy.

My guess: OM is married. Period.

Personally: I would not considered allowing your WW to remain in the home; and continue a dating/sexual relationship/AFFAIR with OM...and her spending overnights with OM.

Talk to you attorney - and find out what you can do legally to move her out.

NO ONE should put up with this type of nonsense: Having a husband's cheating wife conducting a sexual affair, while her husband babysits the kids.

I'm enraged on your behalf.

gahurts, so sorry to see you here. I know where you are coming from. My WW is still screwing OM and says it's an enriching experience

I expect WW to go ballistic over this...I am being very fair and discreet still and not blabbing to everyone who could give her grief.

I wish I had followed the advice given to me here on SI from the start. Especially about exposing her A.

You don't have to blab about it to everyone, but let the people who are going to be affected by the D know what is going on and why you need to do this.

Better you tell them now, than WW gets to them first with some bs lies about why this is all your fault.

Hi ga, I'm from ga too.

There is a quote floating around here that says

I (you) have realized that the only thing worse than losing you (your W), is sharing you (your W).

I know you are doing the 180, but if you do end up talking to your WW, tell her the above. It will let her know exactly where you stand.

It's a very powerful statement.

Isa

GET - RID - OF - HER

You don't want the divorce because you love her and want your family. Well, by NOT pushing her out, you've given her options. She has chosen Option C - all of the above.

She gets her home, her kids, her H AND her boyfriend. Where exactly do I sign up for that?

You don't want to be the winner my friend. You want to be the prize.

The sooner she realized OM is all she has, the sooner she'll start seeing the flaws in him.

If she doesn't, then I'm sorry but she's already gone.

Neverbelieve, she's has enough time for option C. Obviously she made her choice. I should have thrown her out on D-day but I went soft.

She will be shaken when she hears the conditions that she will have to meet. Maybe it will wake her up a bit.

Be strong. Listen to buffalo. Tell your kids. It does not have to be together nor does it have to be the gory details. "your mother is involved in a friendship which I find unacceptable. for now, she and I are not talking until she ends that relationship. I am very sorry and I knwo this is scary and hurtful. adults are not perfect. we will always be your parents and love you, but this is an unsettling time for you and I am sorry. i love you"

ga...

Time to draw that line in the dirt...like Travis at the Alamo..

Tell your WW that dating other men is NOT acceptable...let her know what your expectations are...then back it up.

2 choices here, bro...live with a cheatin' wife that has a boyfriend and is openly dating.....or "lawyer up" and get out of this toxic relationship....

You have talked to the OMs wife???? Good chance that she isnt aware of all this....and i dont buy the "2 year divorce thing" either....your wife is NOT a good source of information....

Dirty Harry (clint Eastwood) said, "a good mans gotta know his limitations"....you need to know yours, bro....

Your wife is a cake eater...shes got a H and a BF, not good. Time for you to turn off that oven, and take away her fork.....

Me?.....i'd think that sharing a wife with a POS OM would be worse than losing her.....JMO...

Bufffalo