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need advice! My H moved out and signed a year lease.I kicked him out the week after I found out about his first affair, and since emotions were very high this 2nd time around we both agreed him leaving was best. Tells me how sorry he is and how much he loves me and how she meant nothing to him. It was all physical. Still wearing his ring even though I took mine off (his ring did not stop him or her from this affair). OW is due any day now. When you found out about the pregnancy, did you try and reconcile right away? or did you have time apart? Did you talk about getting through this together or did you wait for him to bring this up and tell you he wanted to stay married. I guess I am just confused on how to handle things. He is not a man of many words, though he has opened up more to me then I have ever seen and showing much emotion these last few weeks. But only when I ask questions. So he is not one to initiate talk. Hence big part of our problem was lack of true communication. I feel I am working on my communication telling him how I feel etc. But do I bring up to him that I will stay by his side, or is it too early?????

[This message edited by livelaughlove at 1:39 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)]

For me, I knew right away that if he wanted to try to stay together, I was willing to try. I told him about 48 hours after I found out. Sometimes I think I made it "too easy" by not making him sweat it out for awhile, but in the end, we are together and most importantly, happy together. I didn't make it easy all of the time because he had conditions of R (although I wasn't on SI then so I didn't call them that) that he didn't always like but in the end he understood.

Good luck making the right decision for you!

Thank you want2bok! I think the first time I made it way to easy for him and a lot was swept under the rug, hence here we are again today and now a child soon to be born. But the past is the past and I can't look back to say "if only I..." but only move forward and learn from the past. I have told him that I will not abandon him. We are not talking divorce so I guess only time will tell where our marriage is headed. And who knows how I will feel when this child is born and paternity results come back. So in a way maybe being separate is not such a bad idea for now. And if there is any hope of R for us, I will demand MC. I went to IC the first time, he did not. Thank you again and you give me hope that there can be a bright future. I wish you continued happiness

This time around he moved out and signed a year's lease?

If the above is correct...I would wonder why someone who wanted to work it out would sign a year's lease. I would also wonder if he plans to lead a double life while in that year's lease.

I have not posted in here for a long time, but I still wanted to show you love and support during this difficult time. I can't beleive it has been 5 years since dd and my taking custody of the OC. Now I am set to go in front of a judge on both 8/14 and 8/16. One to remove myself as guardians of the OC, since they now live with my stbx and OW, and 2 to finalized my divorce after 24 years of marriage.

All I can say is in this scenerio there is not right or wrong here. It is your life you are the one who has to live it and some of your decisions may not be popular ones, but make sure that they are ones that YOU can live with. I wish peace and understanding for you all. And I am still here for support if needed. Hugs to you all.

I'm new to SI. I've been reading for a year since Dday. I found out last year about PA and a couple of months later WH finally tells me that OW is pg. He claims he's had NC since then. Claimed he had no idea if OC had been born. I snooped his phone and SD cards and found pix/video of OC. He claimed they had been sent by a 3rd party. For our anniversary, we decided to seriously attempt R and promised to be truthful about everything. 2 days later he tells me that OC was born the day b/4 our DD's 5th birthday and that he was present for the birth 500 miles away from home. (At the time, he told me he was on a business trip). I am devestated. I don't trust anything he says. He claims its possible OC is not his and has not had Paternity test, nor did he sign birth certificate. Also still claims he's had NC w/ OW or their child since her birth. (Yeah right). I don't know what to do. I'm trying to keep my family together for my kids. Part of me wants to run for the hills with my 2 kids in tow.

BTW, I love this site! It has been so helpful, just reading other's posts.

This time around he moved out and signed a year's lease?

If the above is correct...I would wonder why someone who wanted to work it out would sign a year's lease. I would also wonder if he plans to lead a double life while in that year's lease.

coastofsomewhere: Believe me, I have thought all about this too. Though he could not go to a family members home cause they are very unhappy with him and all of his friends are married. And in all honesty I knew he had to go. I could not make things so easy for him anymore. And his best friend - his wife does not want my H over her house anymore cause she is so upset with what he has done. My husband is a runner from things. But he can't hide from this any longer.

He is only 10 minutes away, so even if he plans on living a double life, all the truth will come out in the end. He is not a man of many words, and has not said to me he wants to work things out and if I asked him why he has not said it, he would say " I have no right to say that to you with all I have done, how could you ever forgive me." So that is why I told him I will not abandon him, but even though I want our marriage to last, he needs to step up to the plate and do some work. Or maybe he does want it to end but not man enough to say it. But then I feel then stop telling me you love me and how sorry you are, and crying and calling and texting me and wearing his ring.

Of course when he got the apartment, close friends of mine would ask "is he going to move the OW in". And I thought, well he would be very very stupid if he did with being literally only 10 minutes away from me. He swears no he is not and realizes he got caught up with a pyscho - someone who wanted to get out of her moms home and thought having his child even though she knew he was still married would make him want her. Joke is on her, the sorry person she is.

If things are meant to be with him, then only time will tell. But I do realize that I can not do all the work. If he want his marriage to last, he needs to really fight for his family.

It just all sucks.

Thank you BMC0415 for your advice. I am so sorry for all you are going through. 5 years of custody of the OC and now this. My heart breaks for you. But remain strong.

[This message edited by livelaughlove at 11:35 AM, August 2nd (Thursday)]

He claims its possible OC is not his and has not had

Paternity test, nor did he sign birth certificate. Also still claims he's had NC w/ OW or their child since her birth. (Yeah right). I don't know what to do. I'm trying to keep my family together for my kids. Part of me wants to run for the hills with my 2 kids in tow.

2good4WS: I am so sorry for all you are going through. I am new to this site too, and I am thankful to have found it. It just sucks that we are here and scary how many people are going through the same thing. But good to know we can lean on each other for advice.

He needs to get a paternity test and if for anything your peace of mind. I would demand it. The OC in my situation is due any day now and I told my WS that I need to see the test results. For this is just all so surreal.

If he did not think it was his what did he say for the reason he was in the hospital when she gave birth?

[This message edited by livelaughlove at 11:49 AM, August 2nd (Thursday)]

livelaughlove...just please be careful. There are many incidences here at SI where the WS moved out to work on things...which really meant keeping the BS on the hook while the WS "dated" the OP as well. This is known as a cakeeater...and they are very common.

As for his comment

I have no right to say that to you with all I have done, how could you ever forgive me.

See how nice and easily he has put R onto you? Watch out for it being a nice little excuse for why he won't do the work to R and help you heal. It keeps you on the hook with no responsibility to hold himself to.

See how nice and easily he has put R onto you? Watch out for it being a nice little excuse for why he won't do the work to R and help you heal. It keeps you on the hook with no responsibility to hold himself to.

I will be careful coastofsomewhere, and thank you for this. Sometimes I get so lost in emotions and just think all will work out. But if he does not do any work towards R then I need to wake up and realize he will not change and maybe then he does not want our marriage to last. My home can not be a revolving door anymore. The door opened back up to easily for him the first time. Our son is older now and more aware. So he will not step foot back into this home without intense MC. My husband is good at avoiding things - "out of sight out of mind". Just like when he had the affair, he thought of only himself. He needs to really grow up and take a look around at all the people he has hurt. And I have to realize too, that I can not change him, he is the only one in control of that.

I would think that he would finally learn his lesson with her. I could see her though after this baby is born and if it is his, her trying to lure him back. He would be an idiot cause then most likely baby #2 would be on the way. If he does sleep with her again after all this, then they deserve each other.

I could see her though after this baby is born and if it is his, her trying to lure him back.

Oh believe me...she will try. The fact that he went back to her a 2nd time and she took him right back a 2nd time can almost guarantee you that she will try for a 3rd time.

[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 3:00 PM, August 2nd (Thursday)]

"If he did not think it was his what did he say for the reason he was in the hospital when she gave birth?" (Still figuring out how to quote)

He claims he just found out that its possible he's not the father in June (OC born previous Oct). I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, so who knows the real story. He claims he can't find OW to get a Paternity test. SMH. Thanks for the support.

He claims he just found out that its possible he's not the father in June (OC born previous Oct). I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, so who knows the real story. He claims he can't find OW to get a Paternity test. SMH. Thanks for the support.

I feel your pain, and just know I am here if you need to talk.

My WS swears he is finally telling me the truth about things, but I am still taking everything with a grain of salt. But I keep telling him "you cant hurt me anymore" so just come clean already. The only way he possibly could hurt me more is if he ends up with her. Which he keeps on saying he had and has no intention of that. I figure you denied me and your son during the affair, if you want to be with her then at least stand up for someone. But still no, no, no from his mouth. But as I always say, only time will tell and all the truth will come out in the end.

I think too that our WS get so brainwashed when the OW says they are pregnant that they truly believe it is theirs. But little do they know what this OW has been doing. Since there affair started on a lie and continued on lies, only a paternity test will tell the truth. The not knowing is tough.

[This message edited by livelaughlove at 8:57 AM, August 3rd (Friday)]

Thank you and know that I am here for you as well. As you said, only a paternity test will reveal the truth. All in due time, I guess.

I agree to the sentiment that only the paternity test will tell the truth.

THere have been a few changes in my situation.

WS & I had a huge fight over his continued lies and lying by ommission.

Latest is that he thinks that if he continues a relationship with OW he "can gather eveidence for helping him to get custody.

I requested ..no ...demanded NC with OW except for info about OC..

I guess I know where I stand.

I have given up on reconciliation. and I am now wishing that they both get what they desreve.

LOL we will see how that works out ..I don't see it going well. they are both NPD.

and she likes to play the victim card.

He just wants to have someone to his household chores and be a playmate.

[This message edited by feeling bi polar at 6:04 PM, August 4th (Saturday)]

RepeatBS326- has anyone heard from her? She hasn't been on here in ages and I always kept up with her story. I hope all is well with her and the family!

Off to courst again in two weeks. I am going with WH this time. This is a big deal as it means a trip half way across the country. WH is going to visit the OC while there and I will go for one day of that as I don't think I can handle two. We are having a difficult time right now. I am still not dealing with the visits very well at all. I told him that if the visits continue to set me so far back he may need to choose between a relationship with the OC and his marriage. He didn't directly answer but his comments and body language seemed to indicate he'd choose the OC. I am devastated. First he chooses the cOW over me and now it looks like he is choosing OC over me. I guess I know where I really stand. Am I being unfair to make him choose? I am hoping we can work this out but if those are his true feelings then I guess my children and I have always been what he settled for. There is no relationship at all between him and cOW. So, he just want this OC. He never really wanted to spend time with our children, why this one? I feel like my world is collapsing around me.

(((Rayofhope))). I'm sorry you're going through this.

I told him that if the visits continue to set me so far back he may need to choose between a relationship with the OC and his marriage. He didn't directly answer but his comments and body language seemed to indicate he'd choose the OC. I am devastated. First he chooses the cOW over me and now it looks like he is choosing OC over me. I guess I know where I really stand. Am I being unfair to make him choose?

rayofhope - The OC in my situation was just born, so I am new to all this and what things will be like after paternity is established. But I feel making him choose is not the way to go. The OC is innocent here as yourself and your children. You and the OC did not ask to be brought into this mess. But things have happened and you can not change the past. Denying him the chance to have contact with OC is not the way to go. Again, I am saying this now and who knows how I will feel if my husband and I do R and now have to deal with the OC and of course still the OW. I guess I just firmly believe the innocense of the child. And as long as you and your husband are with this OC together, then maybe over time things will get easier. But I could see how it hurts if he was not always there for your children but now wants to be there for this one.

The OC was recently born and amazingly when I asked to see a picture of the child, I only cried for a brief amount of time. My WS and I even though separated, still talk daily. And of course I wonder if he is talking to her. But since my WS has never been a man of many words - I just imagine if he goes to call or text her and he started to talk about work, as he is so good at doing to deflect what is really going on. She is at her moms house with a newborn. Or even if he asked her how she was doing. I could imagine those talks. My WS is a big texter cause then you figure he can still avoid talking. So I kind of laugh when I think what those conversations would be like if they are talking.

He said that the OW did not give the OC his last name. Oh, did she finally realize that her plan back fired. I laugh cause as he was lying to me about the affair, he was also lying to her by telling her that he was still living at his moms from the first time I kicked him out in 8/2010. The poor thing just found out he was living back home since 3/2011 this June. She must have been devastated, lol. You mean she was lied to too. My heart breaks for the sorry ass she is - I would think you would do more investigating on this man to see what was up. But she is so pathetic. So here you have a man who she thinks 2 years is still living at his moms, and you do not see him much cause he says work is busy, his mom is a holy roller and since he was still legally married she would not go for this, never met his sister cause he told the OW that myself and his sister were very close, never went out with his friends, and weekends he had his son. So REALLY- she really thought by having this child that all would be good. That he would get a place with her and live happily ever after and meet the family. And the apartment he does have now is so small that if she did move in, that would be so much fun having a new born. Same game, just different players is all that an affair turns in to. But again my belief is only time will tell.

I wish you much strength rayofhope.

[This message edited by livelaughlove at 7:19 AM, August 8th (Wednesday)]