SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ll try to make this short, but it’s very complicated. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. My D-Day was September 18, 2011. I had been married to my wife for over 26 years. I had been with her since I was 18 and she was 16. I had known that something was wrong with my W since around April of 2010. I kept begging her to come home after she got off work, but she would not. OT or she would be with “friends” in the parking lot was her excuse. She did not get off work until late, usually 11:30 pm. She would not get home until after 2:00 am or so. Of course she adamantly denied an affair, and even stated, “I’ll make up something if it makes you feel better.” In February of 2011, I picked her up at the airport after a brief visit to her sister’s house and informed her that I was going to leave her. She still denied an affair and begged me to stay for our children. I did. A week later she was with OP.

2 days after D-Day she spent 8 days in a mental health hospital because she was suicidal. She did not attempt suicide, but said she was thinking of it. She has been in the “fog” since D-Day and is still in it (as of January 2012). Things are still just trickling in. I have recovered several pictures and email accounts of hers. The best I can determine about the affairs is this: In February of 2009 she started an affair that lasted until D-Day. Her story has changed several times but she has admitted to sleeping with at least 10 people since then. She has been with this OP with three other men at the same time, and one of the men she has a threesome with OP at least 3 times. OP was a coworker form another job. 5 of the OP were from her current job. Most of which were one night stands or just (excuse the language) oral sex in a car. She has admitted to “sexting” several other ppl also.

I have read some of the text messages and anytime someone would give her a compliment, she would jump on it (sometimes literally). We are both white and all but two of the OP have been black (no raciest intent) and all looked like scum. I mean sick, nasty scum. She said that this was just who came on to her.

We are both going through therapy (both individually and together), but she is still not telling the truth about everything. I don’t think she is still seeing anyone, but she is still not being completely honest about the details of the affair.

There are a lot more details to this, but you get the story.

I know I have a long way to go, but am I stupid for still trying…….

(((bassnn)))

I am so sorry for what you are going through, but you have found a wonderful place. I am new to all of this too and have found everyone here to be very supportive. I think you have several things working in your favor--1) You are both in therapy and 2) You are here. Remember to take care of yourself and put yourself first. Try reading some of the Healing Library (click on "Healing Library") in yellow box on the left side of this site. I don't think anyone will say that you are "stupid" for trying. No one has walked in your shoes. (((bassnn)))) My thoughts are with you.

Wow - that is just brutal. Feel very bad for you. What I did after my D-Day is get some sleeping pills, anti-depressants, and exercise. My dogs have really helped me and I am on the forum all the time. Feel free to vent and share your feelings here. There are lots of people here that will try their best to help you. Sorry you are having to go through this.

Bassnn,

Man you must really love your wife. I truly feel for you and your situation.

You have a lot on your plate, especially with children involved.

Only you can decide if you are able to Reconcile with your wife.

I am glad that you both are in IC/MC. You both need that type of help, especially for the length of the infidelity and multiple affair partners. I imagine the sex was unprotected so I hope you both have been checked for STD's.

You just can't wipe away 26 years of marriage.

I assume you are the primary care giver for the kids with the amount of time she spent away.

Take all the time in the world to make any decision. Make sure your conditions for Reconciliation are clear to her. If you truly love her then you will take the time to make yourself well and then look at your options.

Best of luck and keep posting. You are in the right place for advice and far smarter people with more experience will give you som of their knowledge in dealing with this type of betrayal.

HM64

No, you are not stupid for trying. It took my H a long time to tell me all the details. But let your wife know that the more she hides, the more painful it is for you.

Sometimes they lie to protect themselves from their own shame/pain....which is self-serving, but it's common.

Some marriages come out much stronger after an A,but it takes some time and work.

Your WW needs to be treated for sexual addiction and her therapist needs to be well-qualified...hopefully someone with a degree in psychology, PhD level.

Good luck and sorry you are here!

[This message edited by kevmo at 4:58 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)]

It IS a long road. There are good days and there are days that I wish I could get in my car, drive away and never look back. My d-day was October 21,2012. I have been walking around in a fog ever since. I will begin counseling tomorrow because I can no longer cope with the constant thoughts of revenge, checking up on where he is, who he's with, how long it takes him to get to and from destinations. I have to get better mentally or I will go insane. Many days I feel as if I am at my wits end. I just have to believe that things will get better. I pray that things will get better for you as well. Stay strong!

I am sorry that you are here, friend. September 18th just is not a good day for either of us.

You are going to hear on this website---time and time again---that you cannot fix her...only yourself. You can take several actions that steer her in the right direction, but it is only she who can truly help herself. As it is only you that can heal yourself. Outside factors will contribute into your healing process, but ultimately it is you who has to pick yourself up off of the ground...and start to reclaim your life.

You have to accept one absolute truth---THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Not in any way, shape or form. It was her choice to cheat...and only hers. You have accountability to the condition of your marriage, but none at all for her affairs. Do not ever forget that.

I have to ask, because of your long time together with a recent D-Day: How was your wife and marriage up until a few years ago? Do you look back now, and think that this behavior could have gone on longer than you believe? Did your wife have any life-changing events just prior to this?

She obviously needs a lot of help right now. But she also has to believe---I mean TRULY believe---that you will not always be her support to lean on...especially if she continues to treat you this way.

It is going to take a monumental amount of work to possibly get through this...and that is with two fully committed partners. You can't do this alone, or with her giving less than 100% effort....99% won't cut it.

So concentrate on yourself. As much as you do not want to, it is imperative to do this...so you can start to climb out of this mess. And the more that you work on yourself, and the more that you detach emotionally from your wife, the sooner that you will start to heal.

And if she can't see the extremely generous gift of R that you are offering her, then it will be her loss when you reach a point of indifference...and may not want to reconcile at that point. But let's not put the cart in front of the horse...yet.

Keep us posted---the more that we know, the more that we may be able to help. You will see---down the road---that it doesn't make a difference if it was 5, 10, or 100 men. The fact is that she is a very broken person, and needs to get her life back on track before she loses everything good in this world.

Good Luck.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 6:01 PM, January 4th (Wednesday)]

Man, I would literally be unable to touch her after that. 26 years and all of a sudden she's getting gangbanged by black guys like a porno? This didn't just all of sudden start, you need to get to the bottom of this.

Personally I would just cut her out of my life.

Sometimes there's a point of no return. You are a better man than I. I can without hesitation say if my FWW engaged in group sex as you've described, she would now be my XWW.

No truth or remorse cries out for 180 time for you. Read up in the healing library and start now. This is not to shake her out of the fogm but for you to begin to heal

Saying a prayer for you my friend.

so sorry you are dealing with this. My d day was a week after yours and I can not imagine the emotional turmoil you must go thru in still dealing with TT. I would not ever jusge anyone for giving someone a second chance so no I don't think you are stupid.

I don't think you are stupid. It's 26 years of believing one thing to be true and finding out something else. That's a lifetime. I think forgiveness is the greatest gift we can give our WS. You need to figure out if you can forgive this. There is no race to figure it out though. You have been deeply wounded. Take time for you now to figure out what's in your head. Too many times we try to figure out what's in their head, and forget that we have a say in this.

I would make sure she sees a SA counselor ASAP. I also don't know if I would believe that for 26 years she's been faithful then all of a sudden she's having 3somes. Find a good IC for yourself too...

Unless your WW had gone through some very serious traumatic event in 2009 I dont think this behavior just started 2 years ago. Her behaviors are not just nasty. They are hazardous to your helath. She is having multiple sex partners and you say she claims 10. The usual logoc is to at least double what they tell you. Get yourself tested for all STD ASAP. Do not have sex with her. She needs testing too. 26 years is a long time but Im sure your going to find out that she has been playing this game for many of those years. I mean group sex with multuple men all of a sudden ? I dont think so.

Its also quite common for the WS to play the suicide card when they are busted. After My XWW house of lies collapsed she tried the same shit. Even did the hospital stay and all. She got out and went right back to her old ways of lying and/or omitting things to me. If you are thinking about R your in for a long tiresome haul. She needs lots of professional help. And I think your only scratching the surface of the true story here. She been passed around at work like a 40oz. Everyone seems to have had a sip.

I suggest you consult legal advice as once you get the real story you may opt out of this M. It cant hurt to be prepared even if you R. Personally I left after finding out about one A. Turned out there were more that I did not know about at the time. Three confirmed to date. And Im almost postive there are more that I just dont know about. But as Im D I dont want to know. I had enough mind movies with just one OM. I cant see getting over at least 10 including group sex. But its your life and your choice.

Your early into this and trust me it takes years to get over the betrayal. If ever. Use this time to think about how you want your life to go. You dont need to make a decision right now. Dont allow her to blame you for any of this. This is all on her. Also dont allow her to ckaim mental illness all of a sudden. The WS loves to be a victim. She needs to give you the whole story when your ready. You could possibly ask for a POLYGRAPH to verify. But after 10 admitted dudes and multiple nasty sex acts you kind of get the picture already. I dont know brother. Personally I could not continue. But its your choice and I want to wish you luck in whatever you do. Please keep posting and reading on this board. Its a great place for advice and to read about the situation. Folks here are great and supportive.

((( bassnn)))

I suspect mental illness on her part. Sounds like a sudden and huge shift in her personality.

That being said, it doesn't make what she did to you any less horrible.

Only you can decide if you are willing to stick it out. No one would blame you if you didn't.

Has she been identified as mentally-ill?

Thanks for all of the support and comments. To answer some of the questions in your replies:

1: She swears that they all wore condoms except during oral sex. Was not sure about the gangbang bc she was blindfolded.

2: We both were tested for STD’s with negative results.

3: No life changing events just prior to all of this. WF told me that about 4mths into the A with the 1st OP she agreed to anal sex and it turned into a rape. This is the OP that WS stayed with until the end. She even said the gangbang with the 1st OP was agreed to at 1st, but turned into a rape. WS said the “life changing event” was the so-called anal rape. WS was raped when she was 16 just a few weeks after we first started dating.

4: I did wonder a few times during the marriage about her having other affairs, but was not sure.

5: When she was in the hospital after D-Day she was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder? I think. Even after being in the mental hospital for 8 days and going through 4 weeks of outpatient, she still hadn’t told the Dr’s about everything.

6: During our marriage she had always been very passive sexually. She would hardly initiate sex, but would agree to it any time I wanted. W/O going into details, 90% of the time she would reach climax (new, so sorry if graphic). At one time during her numerous confessions, she said she felt that she had to be “too proper” for me sometimes. Still not sure where she got that from.

Neither one of us drank. She just told me today (01/04/2011) that she started drinking at her lunch when her team would go out together. She still denies any drugs, but now is saying something may have been put into her drink during the gangbang bc she is not clear of the details of the event.

At one point just prior to D-Day we started “sexting.” We had never done this and I had no idea that she was sexting other ppl. She sent me several pictures of her and asked me which one I liked the most and I told her. I found out later that she sent the same picture to at least one OP.

I am to the point of radical acceptance. I don’t know if I’ll ever know about everything or about everyone. I have told her all along that I MAY NOT be able to live with her knowing what I know, but I know I WON’T live with her knowing that she is still lying or hiding things. Even up to today WS has been lying about her actions. It is going to be a long road no matter which road I decide to take….

(((bassnn)))

As you said, it's going to be a long road. Sigh...I don't know what to say given your new information you just posted. I know I don't know you or your WS, but I feel very strongly that given this new information, she definitely has at the very least cheated in the past. You need to figure out if this information is important to you. I know for me (but not everyone thinks like I do nor should they) I felt like I could start new with my WS once I felt he had told me everything. I felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders which had been burdening me for what felt like forever. How important is it to you to know the absolute truth?

I am curious if prior to the gangbang had your WS had threesomes before this? or could this gangbang have been the trigger for her to keep "pleasing" this OM out of shame? Just a thought...again trying to figure out how she escalated to 3somes etc...

I believe the easy way out would be to pack your bags and RUN...but it doesn't sound like you want that. YOu would be justified in running and no one would blame you in the least. I believe she needs to know from you what a thin leash she is on if she really wants a real man in her life...YOU. She definitely needs counseling. You definitely need counseling. I think a counselor can help you figure out your next steps whether they are with her or without her...Keep posting, keep reading, have you gone into the "I can Relate" section? There may be even more helpful posts in there for you to read as well.

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 2:37 PM, January 5th (Thursday)]

Broken1again.

It’s important for me to know the absolute truth if I am going to stay with her. She cannot hurt me or our marriage any more that she already has, but if she does not tell me the absolute truth, our relationship is definitely over.

According to WS the gangbang was the first time she had multiple partners. WS said when she agreed to anal sex with OM and that it turned into a “rape” that was when she was “broken.” My question to her was if he raped you why did you keep going back to him. After the gangbang WS was with OP and one of the other people from the gangbang two more times.

I am a Law Enforcement Officer and I have interviewed a lot of ppl. In order for me to find most of this out I had to disengage myself and “interview” her just like I would interview a person that committed the most horrendous crime. Threw her lies and omissions about the details is how I “trapped” her on most of the affairs. Most of the stuff I found out she did not readily admit until she thought I was going to discover it on my own. With this in mind, the gangbang is something she has changed her story on several times. Her reason for this was bc she said it turned into a rape and that it was “foggy” to her.

She started out by telling me on D-Day that the 1st time she was with OP was when she agreed to meet him at a hotel and that she had changed her mind, but when she got to the hotel he forced her inside the room and all of the men were there. She even was saying this while in counseling. She said they took pictures and that he blackmailed her into coming back again and again. It was not until I was going to go to the motel in uniform to get the motel records that she came clean that they had been together before the gangbang.

The more I talk about this the more I feel stupid for considering working things out with her…..

If she is claiming rape why are there not charges being filed right now ? Your in LE. And why did she not report rape right away and continue the A ? Then she goes into group sex with multiple men. And dont think for one second that protection was used each and every time. She is claiming she cant remember details but she remembers condoms ? Come on this story is getting worse by the minute. If she was indeed raped as she claims. People should be in jail. And personally Id take the rape allegations with a grain of salt. Again like the suicide attempt she is playing the victim.

Im sorry if I sound harsh. But I had a friend who was charged with rape as a youngster. When in fact he was caught with this girl by her father having sex. To appease her Dad she claimed rape and this poor kid was arrested and had to go through much heartache. Luckily he was eventually released and cleared. But people always looked at him funny and his family had to move away. All because she lied.

[This message edited by stronger08 at 3:38 PM, January 5th (Thursday)]

4: I did wonder a few times during the marriage about her having other affairs, but was not sure.

This makes me wonder if you would consider scheduling a polygraph for her on this subject?

It seems like this is a key issue ... is her recent behavior the result of some recent change in her personality? (and therefore perhaps reversible?) ... or is it something she has been part of, in one way or another, all along?

I just want to say that you sound like a pretty amazing guy and your WW is very lucky to have you. For most people this kind of sexual behavior is a deal breaker.

I can relate a little bit because my fWH acted out in a way I find disgusting. It turns out that he is a sex addict and his behavior disgusted him too. He just wasn't able to stop.

Your WW may have a sex addiction. It would be a good idea to explore this more fully. If she is, there is treatment and hope. It's a long difficult road, but it can be done.

If she isn't a SA, then at least you know that and can take another approach to dealing with this.

Again, kudos to you for sticking around to find out and give her a chance to fix herself instead of just booting her out the door. I hope she realizes just how lucky she is.

((HUGS)) to you.

If she is claiming rape why are there not charges being filed right now

I honestly don't think it's that simple for a rape victim let alone someone who was having an A then got raped...If she's telling the truth and let's just act as though she is for a second, I could almost understand why she did not press formal charges, and as sick as it sounds why she would keep going back. She may even be thinking "I deserve this" especially considering that would be her 2nd rape. How does one admit to rape when that would mean outing her A to her BS and admitting not only did she sleep with one man, but she was raped by 3 or 4 men. I honestly could somewhat imagine the shame, again assuming what she is saying is true. And then if they took pictures and filmed it? Oh my...

I think paulb brings up the only way to find out the truth...a polygraph. I think it's your only hope of getting the truth. YOu need to know what you're dealing with. I mean at this point in time who knows what's true and not true.

Do you know when she admits to sleeping with all of these OM? I wonder if you ask her without leading her down a path, let her answer on her own, "when did you sleep with all of the OM besides OM1?" Get her to draw out a timeline. Tell her you need the timeline to be very specific, without telling her you want to know who came before and after the rape. If she feels the answer is too important she may just say all men came after the rape (except for OM1) in order to appease you. I wonder if after the timeline, you may find that all of these OM came after the rape/gangbang? If so that may explain alot...doesn't make your life easier, but can explain why someone you have been married to for 26 years would all of a sudden start engaging in that behaviour.

I think you are a true warrior for wanting to stand by your WS given all the facts. Sometimes things aren't so cut and dry, and nobody here will judge you regardless of what you decide. Stay strong...remember to eat, sleep, drink water, and most importantly breathe...

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 4:49 PM, January 5th (Thursday)]