SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For sure I will do everything in my power to prevent my kids to have any contact with all this, my wife wants to have visitation rights once a month but I will only allow this with if supervised, I'm sorry to say I can't trust her right now with the safety of my kids.

She has been involved with anti death penalty work for years and doing activist work for inmates rights that's how she started corresponding with this guy, she believes he is victim of the system etc etc

Yup, she also gave me the soulmates speech, that even if he is never released doesn't change the fact he is her soulmate, they really love each other and other bs, told me this morning that hopes one day I will find this kind of love...right!!!

WOW!!!! She is very broken. Something is very wrong. This is not based on reality. Giving up custody of the kid to follow this type of warped dream. Very unrealistic and unstable.

In this state of mind, she can't be very healthy for the kids. Strike while the iron is hot. Get custody and get support. Be in control of this situation as soon and as best as you can. If she get better---sane again, let her back in to their lives. BUT, in the mean time do what you must NOW.

Oh wow. I am so sorry, he sounds like a sociopath/psychopath.......at least it sounds like he will be in jail until your kids are old enough to be on their own and not deal with him, but I would definitely have something written in the divorce decree that she is not to take the kids to see him.

And I wonder about her state of mind that she is so easily manipulated......

Your first responsibility is to protect your children. Do what is necessary for their safety. See a lawyer and follow their advice.

So sorry that you have to be here. Be strong and come back often for support as needed.

Wow, this just proves the point on how they always "affair down". We've seen members who's WSs have affairs with crack addicts, swingers, sadists, serial cheaters and people with warrants out for their arrest. We all wonder what's wrong with them and what causes the blinders to impair their thinking.

The answer is in the pages of the cheaters handbook. (fictional, but one day someone should pen one.) This creep stroked her ego, validated her and probably manipulated her in order for her to help spring him from the big house. She's in what we call "the fog" you can read up on it in the healing library.

There is no way you can talk sense to her right now. Even seeing the kids crying and begging her to stay won't work. Like Buffalo said, she's got her head up her ass. It's not going to pop out unless she either hits rock bottom (probable, given the gem she's hooked up with) or if reality hits her right where it hurts. But basically there's not much you can do if her mind is made up to D.

I am so sorry and I too am very worried about you and your kids. I hope this thug doesn't have connections on the outside who could stalk your family. Please look into his case and find out when and if he could get out.

I think the fact that your WW is letting you have full custody is wonderful. You do NOT want your kids having to go visit him in prison or hang out with his creepy criminal friends. They belong with you, the sane, protective and loving parent.

It's not going to be easy at first, but you and your kids are going to make it and when they are older they will know just how much you love and they will respect and appreciate all that you have done for them.

I'm glad you found us here, no story is too wacky or unbelievable when it comes to infidelity, sadly cheaters tend to leave their brains at the door.

Again, welcome.

Sounds like she is having a MLC, but I agree she has been manipulated by this guy. Try to get her into IC (for the sake of the children too)

I would spare them the details at this point...

(((dad5)))

I am sorry you are dealing with this horrible situation. I agree with the others who suggest getting your ducks in order with regard to the custody of your kids. You can always change things later if she gets help and gets her head straight.

How much can you find out about this guy? I always go back to what motivates someone to choose something, and since I can't see that this guy has anything to offer her, and given his record, I wonder too if he is manipulative. If so, is she the first "advocate" he has had? Anything you can do to destroy the fantasy she obviously has created about their potential future will help.

I'm sorry I can't provide much more than moral support, but despite the specifics, there is a script to most affairs and this site can definitely help you navigate through this.

Dad5,

I am sure you are very hurt right now. But use your hurt/anger and run, run, run to your attorney. Get the D done as fast as you can. Not just for you but to protect your kids.

When a mother loses all maternal instincts to protect their children from a threat or bad influence (yes , an inmate serving a life sentence is a threat to their safety)then she is a lost cause. You cannot fix her.

If you get full customdy of the kids and you should she should only get supervised visits.

I am truly sad for you and your kids.

Move on and never look back.

HM64

I'm sorry you're here, Dad.

I advise you to follow through on the divorce, make it clean and easy while you can.

Get some therapy for yourself, and as a family. The children will need help getting through this adjustment.

I just don't understand a woman that is willing to leave her kids.

What a punch in the gut, Dad5!

My experience isn't quite the same, but I can share that my SA/WH had (has?) an EA with an inmate. She was the love of his life before me. They broke up, lost touch, I came along, we got married...

I guess he never stopped carrying a torch for her. He did an internet search & found out she was an serving a 6-year sentence for dealing heroin & meth. He started writing to her via an inmate pen-pal program. I found the letters...

She is now out of prison, having served her time.

He says they aren't in contact any longer, but I don't really believe him, he's done nothing to prove to me that they don't have contact any longer. I have found phone calls on his cell to the area code she was serving her time in, I'm 99% certain that they'd communicated on the phone while she was still on the inside due to stuff I found around the house...

I don't have any advice for you. Just sympathy and a little understanding of how mind-boggling it is to find out your spouse sought out a friggin' FELON for a relationship! What a slap in the face!

Thank you again for the warm welcome!

My biggest concern right now is my kids, my marriage is over, even if by some miracle my wife "gets it" I'm done, I don't want to be married to this woman anymore, my kids is my biggest concern, not just now but down the road, my 16 year old has many, many questions and I don't have answers.

Over the weekend I will put down on paper what I want to get from an amicable divorce, I will take advantage of her willingness to play nice to protect my kids, if she agrees I will put up with this crap for the next few weeks until this is all sign and on paper and divorced file, once this is done I want her out of the house, I don't want to be subjected or subject my kids seeing their mom go out to visit this guy in jail anymore, I'm done.

I wish I could make sense of this all, I was told off the record (long story) that my wife is the only person to visit him in years but who knows if this is true or not, I have begged her to accept counseling, not for myself but for our kids sake, in order they can keep some sort of contact with her but yes denies she needs any help, how can I get her to seek help????????

Nature_Girl, I'm sorry your husband did/is doing this to you!!!! yes yes yes!!!! It's nothing but humiliation!!!!! I gonna tell my co workers what?????? my family?????? my friends??????? that my wife is leaving me for an inmate!!!!!! We own our own house, are debt free, I have a high paying job, I'm a great dad, was a good husband, been a good citizen and she wants to leave me for an inmate?????????? My self esteem it's at it's lowest!!!!!

I did not expose any of this to her family, in the last couple of months I told them my concerns about her relationship with this guy and I always got the answer I was being paranoid, the guy is in jail nothing could be going on etc etc etc

How do I handle the kids contact with their grandparents????? Can I trust them with my kids????? in the sense that will they allow my wife in the future to have access to my kids without my knowledge????? if for example my kids spend the night over their house????? How involved should I let them in my kids lives?????

How can I handle this without cutting them off from their grandparents lives?????

I gonna tell my co workers what?????? my family?????? my friends??????? that my wife is leaving me for an inmate!!!!!!

I say tell them exactly this ^^^

no one out there is going to judge you in any of this, not if they have one shred of common sense!!! if they do, they are not someone you need in your circle of support at this point.

and I would say tell her family. find out more about this guys history and let them know exactly what kind of person she's "in love with" and then set boundaries for YOUR comfort level as to what they should allow when the kids are with them. If they can't/won't agree to YOUR comfort level, make visitation with them supervised...

big ((HUGS)) dad5, lean on the folks here, you'll be glad you did

dad5 - while the specifics are unusual I don't think it's all that out there. If you think about how many affairs are Internet & long distance based, where each of the cheaters communicates remotely for huge periods of time and only see each other rarely, it fits right in to the typical formula. Only this OM is in jail instead of behind a computer screen 600 miles away.

It sucks to have to be here, but there are a bunch of great folks that can help. Hang in there.

dad5, I don't have any concrete advice, just wanted to tell you that it does happen.

My stepsister stole money from her family and took up with an inmate, leaving her 3 children in my xBIL's care. She frankly lost her mind, and drugs were a part of the problem (her boyfriend was in for drugs).

Several years down the road, her exH is remarried, and she has gradually begun supervised visitation.

Her wonderful jailbird boyfriend nearly killed her by clocking her in the head with a telephone (rotary dial, the old, heavy kind). She started waking up then, but her marriage was long gone.

Just so you know that it's not YOU. It's her and this manipulative, dangerous person she's fantasizing about.

Do whatever you can to keep the kids as far away from her screwed-up world as possible. My exBIL was the kids' rock during all this. The littlest one didn't see her mother from age 6 to 11. tThat bond is broken.

You're not alone.

dad5 - I am so sorry for your situation. With 5 children and a job, you will need a lot of help. Once people know that your W has left the family, they will offer to help with dinner, carpools, cleaning. Take them up on the offers so that you can focus on you and your children. Also, I would recommend finding a child psychologist who deals with parent abandonment issues and who can help you with what to tell them. THe road before you will be difficult, but you can do this!!

I work within the Department of Corrections, and hate to say -- this is not uncommon! I see it daily! Women who involve themselves with prisoners do not realize that..

1. They may not be "his" one and only. Many have 4..5..6 pen pals. Many of them are for the "companionship" and the "money". Nothing is funnier than to watch these women take their "visiting" day...and even a few have collided when his "schedule" gets mixed up!

2. Of course he can say wonderful things that build her esteem, after all, he does have 24 hours with nothing better to do.

3. Those sweet words he writes may not be his own...for the trade of a candy bar, I see these letters mass produced to woooo.

4. The percentage of these relations do not survive after prison. If he gains his freedom, why will he need her?

5. Many times these women become the "mules" into the facility..drugs, cell phones,etc. She'll end up with a record, then won't be able to visit at all. She'll be pushed aside for the next "love of his life".

She needs immediate counseling! I hope she gets it before she ruins the rest of her life.

In no defense for her, but it's the most vunerable female population that fall for a convict!

[This message edited by Cookie7088 at 7:26 AM, January 12th (Thursday)]

I'm so sorry dad5 :(

It is clear that your ww has taken leave of her senses. Just a small word of caution from me. She may say she will be amicable now, but once you serve her and things get official she may change her tune. Just prepare yourself for that possibility ok?

(((dad5)))

Dad5

I am so sorry for you and your children.

The only advice I will give is to act fast. Your window of opportunity may not be that long.

Protect your kids to the fullest extent of the law (which you already seem to know).

I would get GP's visitations in writing also. Go for worse-case scenerio. YOU can always change your mind as time goes on. Parents do have a history of taking care of their child (WW) first. But how they might defend her is beyond me!!!

You are an amazing dad to being able to put this all together so quickly after DDay. Most of us couldn't even spell our names!!

Hugs and strength to you and your babies.

Thank you for all the support.

I'm thinking what I will tell my in laws and how I will tell them, they are aware of this relationship and know who this guy is, their reaction to the fact this is an affair will dictate how I will act towards grandparents visitation, I don't want cut my kids off their lives but I'm not willing to put my children's safety at risk, my main point with them will be that my wife seeks counseling in order to be able to keep a relationship with our kids.

I don't wish my wife any harm but I cannot believe there's any chance this will end up well for her, she had a normal childhood, as a teen she didn't had any major issues, I don't know what can possible be going through her mind or how she can possible think this will work out, even if for some miracle this guy would be released his early parole chances are in 12 years, she is 38.

I will play nice until I have her signed up some sort of agreement and filed for divorce, after that I want her out of the house, I don't trust her around the kids anymore, maybe I'm being too paranoid but can't take any risks.