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My xWH had a LTA that resulted in our D and his now engagement to OW. He shows all the signs of MLC and still is in the fog of blaming me for the A and the ruin of his life. Currently we are completely NC. We have 5 children and only 1 is a minor. He is transported by 3rd parties for visitation. Now, I can plainly see that his current relationship is recipe for disaster, I am wondering if any other fWS went so deep into the fog? Did you ever reconcile after divorce? What was your experience that began to lift the fog? How long did it take before realizing that OP in a relationship wasn't near as appealing as OP as an escape? Just want to hear from those who got deeper into the A, fog, MLC than they ever thought they could.

I don't really have direct experience, just indirect observations. But I wanted to give your thread a bump!

Indirect: My WH's A was with a MOW. Her BH was once her AP while they were both married to other spouses. They divorced their spouses and got married.

I know that the A between my WH and the MOW was at least her 2nd A since being married to her new husband/former AP.

I'm sure that her husband realized that the grass wasn't greener at least by the time she cheated on him the 1st time.

His WW/ former AP obviously realized the grass wasn't greener before her 1st A on him or she wouldn't have cheated.

When they de-fogged and learned that the infatuation stage isn't sustainable, why didn't they go back to their former spouses?

I'm not sure but I'm guessing it was for a few reasons. In their case, neither had children with their former spouses so repairing the family wasn't a motivating factor for them. But after the two M'd, they had a child together.

I know that his former BW did move on and re-marry so that was also a reason for not going back to the former BW.

I think reality will hit and your WH's feet will eventually land on the planet earth once again. What will happen then...?

I know there are members here who have been in your situation and are R'ing after D.

Sorry for the t/j but Rise&Shine you just made my head hurt! LOL

I personally dont buy into the MLC bullshit. I mean the could buy themselves a sports car, take up rock climbing or sky diving etc. Nope they all have affairs. I thinks its just another excuse for being a lazy ass MFer. Instead of working on their M. Which Ill agree gets routine and boring at times. They go and look elsewhere for some excitment. Heres an idea try having excitment or fun with your spouse. It saves everyone a bunch of heartache and money.

While WH's MLC A did not result in an immediate divorce (as MOW went running back to her BH and his $), ultimately it is going to as he still works with her; the fantasy has never been destroyed for him.

As I am 'incapable' of letting things go (as in him still talking to her about each other's personal lives and going to lunch alone with her, dancing with her at company functions when I am not around), he has decided not to reengage in the marriage and I am left her basically emotionally abandoned.

If you cannot get them to go NC, then basically all is lost, as the fantasy lives on and you will continue to be the devil of his existence. You will always be the scapegoat for all that went wrong in his life and led to his

A...period! You can't fight it other than putting your foot down and just flat out telling them that you will not tolerate any further activity. I could not do that because of kids and a situation where WH could not go in and ask for a transfer for fear of being let go. To me, it was worth the risk for my own sanity, but not to WH who thought it would put us in a vicarious financial situation so close to his retirement age.

Babbling here...but basically as long as your XWH has access to OW, he will never see her as the nothing that she really is. Perhaps once he has been with her 'solely' for a while will the flaws start to come out. But, then again, as long as you are still in the picture, due to kids, etc, you can still live on as the 'bad guy'.

MLC WS have to hit rock bottom. That is what it amounts to in a MLC sit. Mine isn't there yet and don't know that he ever will be as he continues to work/socialize with OW, not to mention that now that her BH had enough and divorced her, the KISA in WH kicked into high gear and he feels bad for her even more.

Sucks. At least you are out of the loop in being D. Sounds like you still have some feelings though and my heart goes out to you. That is another pitfall of the MLC...we have such a hard time letting go of the man that they used to be and just face what they have become. So many of the WS were great souls before they went over the edge. I often wonder if I was just wearing the rose colored glasses for all those years? Or, was he just an asshole waiting to happen?

I personally dont buy into the MLC bullshit. I mean the could buy themselves a sports car, take up rock climbing or sky diving etc. Nope they all have affairs. I thinks its just another excuse for being a lazy ass MFer.

I couldn't agree more. There's no MLC syndrome; it's an excuse for atrocious behavior.

I just got finished reading this website:

http://thehouseontherock.net/site/default.asp?sec_id=140003648

It was an eye opener to me. Hope it will have some of the answers you are seeking.

Yeah, I still have feelings for the man he was. After 17 years it would be hard not too. The man he is now has said and done too many awful things to fix, I still hold out hope for all the kids. I too thought MLC was a very easy excuse but I did a lot of research that showed me that it is a medical condition and you are right that he could have bought a car or something but he found a woman who was willing. She was also married at the time the A began, got "accidentally" pregnant with my xWH child and divorced her BH. This was not the first time she cheated, she had once been my friend and she had cheated on both of her former spouses multiple times. I do not believe that my xWH will be exempt to her cheating again nor her exempt to his cheating. I do not have any contact at all. I have opted to let him live with the choices he has made. They both still ask about me to the older kids and accuse me of things I have not done to them also. I do not respond. "If that is what helps him sleep at night...." has become my mantra. Still, I sometimes feel as though the only thing they have in common is vilifying me. Nevertheless, it would be nice to see the man I once knew again, just for a moment. Some days I still miss him so much and others I could care less. Still lost in my own fog I guess, and yes I am in IC. I have begun a new life for me and I feel really good and proud about it.

First of all I want to say that I do not believe in the fog, although I do believe that MLC does happen.

My FWS had been a loyal and trustworthy partner for 13 years. She never had any desires to have an affair. For many reasons, she was under a lot of stress, and made some really bad decisions. It was not the fog, it was bad decisions.

She entered into an EA, fell in love/lust with OP. I gave her an ultimatum OP or me. She chose to break up with me.

Once she went down that path she could not admit she was wrong for a long time. Her relationship was doomed from the beginning. OP never left and divorced BS.

She hung onto that relationship for a year, getting deeper and deeper in the hole. Unable to admit she had made a mistake, but I know beyond doubt that it was not a fog.

She lost me, had multiple financial and health issues for over a year. Her decisions cost her a lot.

She ended the now physical relationship after about a year. 4 months later we started talking about real R. It has been almost 2 years and we are now R due to some good MC and some real remorse demonstrated by actions by my FWS.

I applaud you for going NC, I was never able to do this and it caused so much pain for me. We lived apart for over a year. I would have never thought we could R, and I really think it was only because we had a strong bond and genuinely love one another that it was possible.

My FWS will admit she was not in a fog, it just was decisions that continued to snowball until she was too stubborn to admit she was wrong. She is now in therapy to help her cope and deal differently.

I firmly believe that she will not do anything like this again, but she knows if she does it is over with me.

Good luck with everything. I do however have to say that I believe sometimes people leave the marriage for the OP and they do end up making it work. Not every relationship that involves infidelity is doomed. Sometimes they do make it work.

I think you are taking the right steps for you in that you are NC and you are not directly involved. If I had been able to do this, I think my FWS would have ended the relationship much sooner.

I do not believe in MLC.

I believe in bad behavior with a dumb excuse.

Affairs are all cut from the same cloth - and follow the same script. We see that every day on here.

In every age group.

heart in a blend.. HOOOOly shit.

Thank you so very much for posting that link. I feel like finally - I get it! Someone out there GETS IT too!

I've been reading that site for an hour! THANK YOU so much!

I agree with the idea that there is no fog just bad decisions that keep snowballing. The fog seems to be vernacular that just sums it up. I also liked the link and thank you for posting. When I read about MLC I also was really struck with the "someone else gets it" moment. It was very reassuring and resurrecting to know that I wasn't the only one who went through Hell. So glad for you Holding for things getting better. Maybe I can keep some hope for me too. I also always felt that he and I were a good match and had a good relationship based in friendship. Thank you all for your input. By the way Holding, what was the situation that turned things around for your WS and caused her to come around?

I believe in the fog and in MLC. They are just words to describe psychological events or altered states of mind. Lots of words for altered states that aren't rational. Infatuation, obsessive, regressive, etc. My MLC STBXWH went in so deep and there he remains. The damage is surreal.

It is very important to learn about MLC in order to understand that it takes a long time. It is a regressive state of development. Repressed damage is surfacing. They run and create chaos to avoid facing the issues. Often called covert depression or replay. Just like an angry, defiant, selfish teenager. They are typically not the same after the MLC ends. Some stay stuck.

Houseontherock.net, Midlife Marriage Advocate, LifeTwo, etc. are good sites for information.

You have your own journey while he is on his. Please try to detach and focus on your own life like he is not coming back. In men, MLC typically takes 3-5 years or longer. We are not supposed to stop the process. They have to figure this out themselves. I wish I could be more positive, but you will feel better when you let go.

I believe that WW's are also susceptible to MLC's also. I have noticed that WW's seem to commence their A's right about their 40 birthday. Has anybody else noticed this?

Women definitely have MLC. The same behaviors. Like an alien is inhabiting their bodies.

Yep, mine nutted up right after his 40th b-day, just on time.... I was scrubbing the carpet at home for his surprise birthday party....while he was getting it on with his ho at the hotel.....

His started around 39 and he still remains in it. I hold a small amount of hope but I have gone on with my life. I have great kids and a good job. I go out with friends when I can and I spend a lot of time working on recovering me. I am in IC and FC with my son. I am finding that I like the fact that I get to decide how I live my life. I heard a great saying the other night, "Who we are is not what has been done to us. Who we are is how we choose to react to what has been done to us" I choose to make a sane, simple life with my kids and laugh and go on.

Speaking as someone in full mid-life 'questioning', I'm with Jung on this, and think that this period of evaluation can be dealt with healthily or unhealthily, and that's the choice.

Re: women and MLC. I'm not a WW but I'm positive I went through some sort of 'midlife crisis'. And yes, it was right after I hit 40

Whether it was a 'true' MLC (for those that believe in it) I can't say. All I know is I thought I was going crazy. Seriously CRAZY. Among other things I was unhappy with myself and my life, I questioned what I had (read hadn't) accomplished, I felt like a failure, I was depressed, I felt I wasted my life. I felt I hadn't done anything to really be proud of and feel good about, I had HUGE distress and preoccupation over my loss of youth (which I NEVER worried about before, I was so confident I would age 'gracefully' and I didn't think it would bother me as it's just the natural process of things, right?).

Anyway, the bottom line, I was ALL over the place

I was so frantic, I talked to WH about it (many times) and asked him wasn't he distraught about getting older, mid-life etc. etc. He blew me off, pppshaw! MLC?! No way! What was there to be in crisis about? He wasn't concerned at all about what he might have lost (time and youth). He was so grounded, NO question in his mind he was not susceptible to all the ridiculous behaviors "typical" of people in "MLC".

But then, I wasn't the one who ended up having an A.

So MLC?

the could buy themselves a sports car, take up rock climbing or sky diving etc. Nope they all have affairs. I thinks its just another excuse for being a lazy ass MFer. Instead of working on their M. Which Ill agree gets routine and boring at times. They go and look elsewhere for some excitment.

it's an excuse for atrocious behavior.

I believe in bad behavior with a dumb excuse.

I do think it had to do with the insecurities of growing older though as his AP was much younger (12 years younger than I, 21 years younger than WH).

As far as how long, it didn't take long for reality to hit but he needed the jolt of Dday for him to realize how far down he went and that he traded his wonderful life (and wife :tongue) for

[BTW: when I started to come out of it (about 2-3 years later) and started to find myself again it was great! I started working out again, having fun, feeling sexy for MYSELF. I was confident, I felt good and excited about the future. This was BEFORE I discovered WH's A. So I had essentially been doing a smaller version of the 180 for months already and I think he saw I had nothing to lose but he had EVERYTHING to lose and he did!]

YOU ((IrishLass518)) having a great life, feeling good and being positive about YOUR future will be the biggest wake up call for him!

sil

Thank you sad, your words meant a lot. I do believe that NC and me doing well is maybe the beginning of a wake up call for him. He keeps threatening me, through the older kids, and they both keep screaming about how "happy" they are and I never meant anything. I often feel that he and the OW keep saying all of these inflammatory things in order to make me engage them both. It is almost as if they both know on some level that they don't work well without the drama and they need a 3rd person so they can play the "woe is me, everybody is conspiring to keep us apart" game. They are learning quickly that living together is not nearly as fun as having an affair. There are kids, bills, jobs, work around the house, etc. It isn't all fun and games anymore. I was with him for 17 years, I know how he thinks even when he isn't thinking. I know that we still share a strong bond even when we are not talking. I know that he still finds out about my facebook posts even though I meant nothing.