SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

as a man I am horrified of anyone finding out just because of the unspoken belief held by men (those who haven't been through this) that the cuckold husband must not be an adequate man or his lady wouldn't have sought the comfort of another mans cock.

In fact you guys here at si are among the select few who know. Most of my family has no idea....they just see we have problems now. And they probably think I am the cause since I act like a bit of an ass sometimes now.

((Emptyshelldad))

It goes both ways. I'm the pathetic woman who couldn't "keep her man," so I must be incredibly boring, especially in bed.

Before my STBXWH's A, I never thought that a man who was cheated on was "weak" or "inadequate." I always thought that the cheating partner was the loser-- she was taking for granted what she had and was hoping that the grass was greener on the other side.

Just remember that it's not you-- it's her. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise is not your friend and doesn't deserve a moment of your thought.

Oddly enough, the few guys I told had similar experiences-one buddy had actually paid rent for a neighbor who was doing his WW at the time.

Most guys kicked their WWs to the curb, but ones w/kids stayed-just too much to lose to the courts. One guy I know lives in a camper now-he pays for his WW's house/ car/etc. etc.-all court ordered.

The great thing is now I no longer care what anyone thinks. I was once a good H, I just chose poorly when it came to a partner.

It is not your fault.

It goes both ways. I'm the pathetic woman who couldn't "keep her man," so I must be incredibly boring, especially in bed.

Yep, me too. not trying to minimize what you are saying in the least bit. Just trying to point out that it works both ways, so maybe some of us women here can understand too!

It' not about you, guys. It's about them. It's not about what it missing in you, it's what's missing in them. It's not about your inadequacies, it's about theirs. You are not the ones who are weak. They are. You are not the ones who are pathetic. They are.

I am proud for people to know that I stayed with my wife when so many people said "I don't know how you have the strength to do it mate".

I suspect this is a gender-irrelevant issue. Infidelity knocks the self confidence, but the sooner you realise it's about their problems rather than yours, the better.

The great thing is now I no longer care what anyone thinks.

Yep. I don't go broadcasting but that's because I feel it's my business. If they didn't walk through fire, their opinion on getting burned don't mean much to me.

(((Emptyshelldad)))

I think there is a flip side to this as other posters have pointed out. As a BW, I must have been frigid, or controlling or emasculating myself, right? After all, if I was taking care of my man, he wouldn't have gone looking elsewhere. And this is a view, I think, often held by both men and women.

Not so.

Our WS's As have nothing to do with us.. They are about poor boundaries and bad coping mechanisms. You could be the most amazing lover in the world, but if your WW needed to justify her affair by saying you didn't load the dishwasher the way she liked, that would be her pathetic excuse.

You may just need to keep telling yourself that. I spend a lot of time on self-talk to remind myself that it is not about me. It does work, but it takes time.

This is how the BH of OW1 (my neighbour) feels. He took on the shame of it because in his culture he believed it would be seen as a weakness in him if his wife had gone elsewhere. He even apologised to me saying it was "all his fault". I was devastated for him that he would feel this way.

It is not about you being inadequate. It is about the ego of the WS's and their selfishness. Don't let HER choices dictate how you feel about yourself. That would be a tragedy.

EJ

((((Emptyshelldad))))

I'm so sorry for your pain. Whether you tell anyone irl or not is a separate issue. There is nothing wrong with YOU that made your W have an A. I am sorry that you feel emasculated, and I hope that in time you will see that is just not true.

As for the 'how to deal' aspect - well, I'm not a man so can't give any first-hand advice. But one thing that has helped me with the flip side is reading and learning more about As. The more you know, the more you realize and eventually internalize that it's not you it's THEM that is broken. That, and time.

((((Emptyshelldad))))

It's been my experience that someone who hasn't "been there" won't get it.

We get it, and it's not emasculating. In fact, many women would agree that seeking out a community to get advice on a life issue is a very attractive quality in a male. It shows depth, and concern for your children.

Her actions have no bearing on your masculinity. Come here to vent, we all get it.

Oh yeah, it's emasculating! Especially if you (like me) had doubts about your sexual abilities. Other than a couple instances of backseat wham, bam thank you maam in high school and one cougar while i was in service my FWW was my 1st and only, REAL sexual relationship. When I discovered her LTA and subsequent other affairs I immediately thought it was because of my inadequecies. Making matters worse was OM#1 was hung like a horse and could fuck for days and I was "white bread" average. So obviously (to me) I was unable to satisfy her and she had to go elsewhere for her sexual gratification. When I stumbled upon S.I. I found out differently! However, and this may just be my low self esteem but I still feel I can't hold a candle to her "affair sex" and I'm ther consolation prize.

Don't mean to make you feel worse. Just letting you know you're not alone in your feelings.

[This message edited by cuckhold at 3:19 PM, January 20th (Friday)]

Yeah, this one drives me crazy. Mostly because I know I thought the same thing about other BH in the past.

I *know* this wasn't about me, it wasn't about sex, the sex WAS BAD, there was nothing "missing" in the M other than things caused BY the A and not the cause OF the A.

I still don't want anyone else to know about it, mostly for this very reason.

I wanted to keep details of my WW's affair to as limited group as possible - only people we both agreed could be trusted and had no relation to our work or broader friend group.

She had 2 friends, I had one friend and brother and his wife.

I since learned she has told 2 people from her work and another friend. I'm devastated by that, and I anticipate given the size of where I live, our secret will find its way to my work.

Which is where I find myself not coping with the thought of other people knowing and judging me, and my attempts to R. I know previous to this event in my life I would have always told people to leave (I did when I was engaged and it happened to me). Its way more complex now with my W - I love her, she has been my best friend for over 10 years and we have 2 children under 5.

I expect I'm going to face the pain of doubt, gossip and judgement from everyone who knows. Yes I am the BS, but I think that is actually much harder than being the WS when people find out (family and best friends excepted who will know otherwise)

So, yeah I think your fears are normal. I imagine most BS's are in the same boat.

[This message edited by Gdi224 at 6:42 PM, January 20th (Friday)]

Woman's perspective:

1. Your not a cockhold just because your WW had an affair unless the affair is out in the open and you look the other way and do nothing - maybe even drive her to the OM house.

2. Your WW not the affair emasculated you......the only person who can emasculate you is YOU by your reaction to the affair and your WW.

3. If you lost the ALPHA in you, get it back. Broadcast to your circle of friends and family that you are married to a cheating bit## and not sure R or D is in the works.

4. Out the OM to his BW/BGF

5. Take charge of the situation

..fortunately i have not let this aspect get the better of me.. i knew the OM a very long time and so i knew of his short-comings..

..i think of the affair as something that 'De-feminized' my wife..

..it took away the 'specialness' of our first and onlies beginnings..

..she threw herself in the gutter and that destroyed the "image" i had carried in my mind of who i thought i had married..

..

smy

This was posted earlier - I love it

The affair is not your fault. Your wayward spouse did not have an affair because you weren’t meeting their emotional needs. Your wayward spouse had an affair because they failed to protect themselves from their own vulnerabilities. Affairs are rooted in fear and are in no way a reflection of the marriage regardless of whether they blame it on you, the marriage, the other person, your doggy, or anything else under the sun.

- Affairs are the manifestation of a wayward spouse's attempt to medicate their internal fears. Often, the fear is of intimacy or inadequacy and these fears create the barriers preventing one from getting their emotional needs met. A lack of a solid, stable inner core enables the drive for external validation that greases the slope of inappropriate behavior.

- This inappropriate behavior conflicts with the vision they want to have of themselves which drive the necessary lies, denial, and self deception in order to justify and rationalize their behavior. Your wayward spouse is not under some foreign influence – one must be in command of their faculties to know which lies to tell themselves.

- Until your wayward spouse does the necessary introspection to take responsibility for their choices, if they ever do, your marriage will not get better. They need to resolve why they did this and how to have a healthy, functioning relationship. You are not responsible for their choices, or for the consequences thereof. This does not, however, absolve you from doing what you can to improve yourself for yourself.

- You cannot control your wayward spouse and, as such, you cannot directly control the outcome. Let your wayward spouse make their own choices and focus on yourself and your healing. To do so requires setting up boundaries. A boundary is not an expectation for someone else to change, but a conditional requirement for you to change in order to protect your wellbeing. Your own wellbeing will never interfere with someone else’s.

- There is no quick and easy way out of this. Action is needed to promote a change and there will be risk associated with any action. However, no action will promote no change.

- Fear is the great paralyzer that draws the shadows longer. You must value and protect yourself, in spite of the fear of losing your wayward spouse or enforcing boundaries, because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway. The threat of the wayward spouse is a direct affront to your intrinsic value.

- You are always a worthy human being, and there is never any reason to conduct yourself, or allow others to force you, in any direction in which your basic merit and rights as a human being are challenged.

- Your goal is not to rebuild the marriage at any cost… your goal is to guide yourself to where you need to be, regardless of the outcome. You cannot directly choose your circumstances, but you can control yourself and indirectly, but surely, create the world you seek.

- You need to look out for yourself and figure out what it is that you want. Do what is best for you and do not compromise on your fundamental beliefs, values, and character. You alone are responsible for writing the chapters in your story.

- Change is inevitable… and you do possess the capacity to rise above it.

- Life will move on… but you gotta move with it.

- You're gonna be okay.

I agree with tryingagain. The only men that would view you in that light seriously are probably ones that have cheated and have used an "inadequate" mate as their excuse. I doubt very seriously that she was seeking comfort from his "cock." She was seeking excitement and ego stroking. So sorry you feel unlike a man. Same for us women. We think everyone thinks we were a bitch or fridgid, etc. This is a terrible thing to go through, but a lot of people do it. Hugs and good luck.

I hear you , Emptyshell.

Although we know better, that feeling of inadequacy lingers in our minds.

A lot of that IS based on the generalization that men are alphas...and our women don't cheat---they just can't.

So how do we respond when they do? Our entire understanding of how things are supposed to be have just been blown up in our faces.

As wrong as it is, I can still say that a lot of the secrecy I held about my WW's affair were for the wrong reasons--pride, humiliation, and vanity are a few of the reasons at the forefront. I now know better, but it is hard to rid myself of these feelings.

Sorry, friend---I know how much that this sucks. But it does get better over time.

And I say that because I am living it.

I apologize if my post or the wording thereof implied that women would not understand. I always invite members of this unfortunate club regardless of gender to comment. I appreciate getting both perspectives. Though I do consider the issue different in some respects, women have to deal with some people thinking they drive off their man for some reason. And men deal with a feeling of being less of a man in some peoples eyes.

On a separate note relating to my original post, I find the feeling of emasculation is far exacerbated when the man decides to stay. Like you can regain some respect by leaving the cheating tramp and never looking back, but by staying for whatever reason, your viewed as as totally pathetic. I always wanted to be Rhett butler from the end of gone with the wind, where Scarlett is begging him to stay and says "but Rhett where will I go, what will I do?" And he simply turns and says

"frankly my dear, I don't give a damn"...and he walks away with his pride.

And it just occurred to me, that to quote gone with the wind in a post, probably removes any latent masculinity that may have been hanging on.