SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I guess my point was, if you or your SO was drunk every time they cheated (whether it was once or numerous times)...do you consider the fact that they never get drunk again a good enough safeguard against future physical affairs?

No. Dry drunks don't get drunk but they're not really sober either. They have the same thought processes and personality traits of a drunk without being drunk.

Dry adultery is not fucking anyone else...not being faithful.

The absence of one doesn't mean the presence of another.

We see that here on this site in the posts from members who's spouses aren't in contact with anyone but have done nothing to fix themselves or help their spouse heal.

It's like my 4 year old told me..."you can make me stop doing it but can't make me stop wanting to."

What UO said-I'm living it. My f?WW quit drinking. Went to 3-4 AA meetings, bought the book, and that was it. Looking thru it the other day, she has read one chapter, and hasn't touched it in 2+ years.

She seems to think it fixed everything by stopping the drinking, but I'm not so sure. Not much else changed.

I think there's a reason people abuse alcohol, and depression/self loathing led to my WH having A's, which led to him abusing alcohol and weed, which led to more self loathing and more drinking. It all went hand in hand. Quitting drinking and quitting the A's were all done at the same time, I just didn't find out about the A's until later.

BS here: I am one who is technically "still in the dark" and although all the signs are there my husband holds to his, "I've never had sex with another woman" story.

As I have confronted him with things over the past few months though I have heard the following:

" I was really drunk. I MAY have kissed her."

"When I'm home alone I drink some beers and always get a desire to look at porn."

"After a few beers even the nasty girls start looking good."

I'm not convinced that alcohol causes affairs necessarily, but it certainly doesn't help. I also believe that if someone is going to cheat, they're going to cheat, regardless of where they work, what career they have, how good or bad their marriage is, if they're an alcoholic or not, etc. In my particular case, my H has a reputation of doing wrong things while under the influence of alcohol so for him to drink when I'm not with him is out of the question if he wants to save our marriage.

I'm not a wayward, but I can give some useful input.

"why was the person abusing in the first place"

John's Hopkins developed this questionnaire, it helps identify people's drinking problems and why.

http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm

The question that a skilled counselor can help you with is "why do you feel this way" so that you need to drink so that you don't feel this way, or that way, or so you can cope.

Go to AA meetings, a lot of them, and you will find out as well.

Or do you think there are always other 'reasons' for it. I'm not talking about an alcoholic, just someone who only cheated or cheats when they are 'buzzed' or drunk/high.

While not present in my maritial situation, I know from first hand experience while in college, drinking certainly lowers inhibitions. I think that it would be easier for me to forgive a ONS where WS spouse was drunk and being drunk was a rare event for WS. However, where WS habitually gets drunk and has multiple ONS's, that's a completely different story

My FWH is an alcoholic, and through his recovery, all the reading, AA for him, and Alanon for me, we learned that for the alcohol abuser it's not a matter of IF they will cheat, it's a matter of when. There is a good thread on this topic in the I Can Relate forum. FWH was not buzzed as far as I know each time he cheated, but his brain had been altered from years of abuse and living with the disease in general. In AA, they call it stinkin' thinkin'. Alcohol is not an excuse for cheating, and doesn't cause it, JMHO, but it's can be ONE more symptom of a the larger problems that exist.