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I feel like I am worth absolutely nothing. A nice home with nice things, two beautiful children and one on the way (within the next few weeks), and I'm fairly attractive. But a 20 year old is worth more. A 20 year old who can't pay her bills and got evicted, so now ex has to live in his van is better than the thought of coming home to your family. He is choosing a child and being homeless over coming home. Are me and the kids really that bad?? I think I would have felt better if he was living the high life than choosing what he did over us. I can't seem to get past it :(

I completely understand. DBFT is spiraling down at a very fast clip right now - he's now moved in with a friend an hour away from the kids and me.

He looks awful, is seriously depressed.. hates life.. but makes NO attempt to fix anything or come home to his family.

It's seriously mind boggling.

(((RB)))

His choices are based on what he thinks he is worth, not what you are.

There's a thread in JFO titled "Honey, they always affair down." It may be time for you to reread it for some perspective.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=326449

You are very worth it. And deep down, I think you know that. It's just buried under a lot of hurt and pain right now.

Your self worth comes from within, not from the choices that a person who is broken and sick with fog can project on you.

He does not determine your self worth.

You are a great and wonderful person. You know you are a good mother, and an attractive woman. Just because he doesn't see these things, does not mean it isn't true.

You would not let any other homeless person determine your self worth, or anyone who was sick in the mind, do not let him either Rock.

You and the kids are #1 for you now.. Let him and his illness go.

((rock))

I read it. I know it's true, but in that post, the OW fails...in my case, she "won." Not much of a prize, but she took my husband and the father of my children away from me and her self-esteem and happiness seem to be doing just fine.

[This message edited by rockbottom2468 at 10:54 PM, February 3rd (Friday)]

rockbottom, I truly believe that sometimes they choose someone else because the OP is less than, not better than you. In the crazy mind of a WS, they do not believe that they deserve you (they are not worthy). So they go for someone who is more in line with what they think they deserve.

If I remember correctly, you are the primary breadwinner in your family. That can be a big issue for some men. If he has not been successful in his career, he might leave to be with a woman who he can be better than (like a 20 y.o drug addict who can't pay her bills). This is his issue, not yours. You are great--he is a hot mess. I know that it doesn't feel that way, though.

Believe me Rock, she has not won.

Someone on here has a saying that say "If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you will be married to a man who cheats on his wife"

She already knows where his values about family are. He will not respect her, as she was willing to be with a man in a committment. Its just gonna take time. And really, you are so much better than that.

I'm not trying to minimize the pain that I know you are in. I know it hurts and it is hard to come out of that sucken hole that we get in when we look around and wonder what the hell has happened. You can only control you and your reactions. Your hormones I am sure are not helping this matter. Try to stay as strong as you can, for you, the kids, and that precious baby.

Not much of a prize, but she took my husband and the father of my children away from me and her self-esteem and happiness seem to be doing just fine.

Really? Think about it. She was willing to be with a man who cheats. She knows he was sniffing around your doorstep since you kicked him out, and she's willing to accept that. She's an addict. Addiction and high self-esteem don't live in the same brain. She's not fine. She's taking your leavings and has decided that that's what she's worth.

And you are wrong. He's not the prize. YOU ARE. He just failed to earn the right to have you. If you haven't noticed, he's made several attempts to see if you are willing to take him back. He knows very well how much you are worth.

F2S, he's changed. He shows nothing towards me, absolutely nothing. I don't know what snapped, but them getting evicted pushed him farther into OW than he's ever been. He is doing whatever it takes to make her happy, while living in his van. He treats me as though I am a stranger, meaningless to him. It is really, really painful to have him act that way towards me.

I KNOW he has done what I should done long ago, moved on. I am nothing in his book. The problem is, through all of this, as sick as it is (believe me, I know this sounds bad), his "cake eating" at least made me feel wanted, made me feel as if he knew he was losing something, but now? He is high as a kite to be rid of me. He is happy in his van, and happy to do whatever it is necessary to make OW feel safe and protected while he has to be there. Me and the kids are nothing anymore, and it hurts, bad.

So he says. I wouldn't be too quick to say he's happy. I'd be more likely to say that now he thinks that since his sob story didn't work, giving you the cold should might soften you up. And I really do believe that.

I know it's hard, especially now with everything else going on. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I really am.

I do believe this is just another attempt at manipulation on his part. Everything is falling apart around him (he's homeless for crying out loud), and working an angle seems to be his best strategy for getting himself out of the situation. He tried guilt, he tried threats, he tried the sob story, and now he's trying to be cold. It's not about you. It's about how screwed up he is.

And I don't think your desire to have him treat you with kindness is sick. RB, you are having completely normal reactions to all of this. Of course you want him to behave with kindness and respect and it hurts that he doesn't do that. But it isn't a reflection on you that he doesn't. It's a symptom of his broken brain.

F2S, I don't know. Even just the other day, I told him that I don't think it would be a good idea for him to "visit" the kids in my house while I am on maternity leave. He initially fought me on it a little bit. Then I mentioned OW and said that she probably wouldn't like him watching the kids while I am in the home. His response was "Yeah, you're right. I'll find somewhere else to watch them."

It's that kind of stuff. It's just matter-of-fact now. OW is most important and her feelings take precedent over everything and control all of his actions.

ETA: I think that is it. The madness and the craziness of the cake eating and fence sitting is gone, but so is ex, completely. Any ounce of love for me I saw in his eyes is completely gone. I always held out a tiny bit of hope that he would finally come to his senses and it all feels so final now. He has moved on 100% and that brings on a whole new pain for me.

I know in the end it is for the best anyway, but it hurts a lot to see it and feel it.

[This message edited by rockbottom2468 at 11:48 PM, February 3rd (Friday)]

That's part of the A mindset. You were in the dark about it before, but it's always been there. It's why he was willing to leave your house and go rushing off to the hospital when she was having "panic attacks."

He gets a rush off pleasing her. It makes him feel valuable (he's told you before how "everyone" thinks he's a good guy because he's "helping" her). You know too much. You know the truth about what kind of person he is and that's a hard thing for him to have to face. He's clinging to her to validate how "worthy" he is. That's a sad state of being.

It comes back to that thing about affairing down. She accepts less. She's willing to take him broken. You aren't. He knows this and he's clinging to what he has. That will eventually fall apart, but it doesn't make it any less painful for you to watch.

The bloom will eventually fall off the rose for both of them. In the meantime, focus on finding something of meaning to bolster you up so you can feel good about yourself. Surround yourself with friends and family so you know you are loved and valued by people who who do really matter.

Believe me, I (most of us) understand that whole lack of self-esteem thing. I think most of us are conditioned to blame ourselves...to think that it is something we lack that makes them leave.

In time, once you gain some perspective, and can better deal with the pain he has caused you will come to understand that what everyone here is saying is so true. It really isn't about us. I know that right now though, it is hard to believe.

Personally, your WH sounds very immature to me. Sort of reminds me of a friends husband who kept seeking out younger women (he was in his late 40's) simply because they came with less baggage and were just as immature as he was.

Please stop beating yourself up with those thoughts of not being good enough...so not true.

(((rockbottom)))

Pairs couple-bond.

Your worthless ex has detached from you, and your children, and is now attached to dysfunctional OW. The sooner you PERMANENTLY remove yourself from this farce of a TRIANGLE, the healthier and happier you will feel.

And your children deserve ONE healthy parent!

I'd be more likely to say that now he thinks that since his sob story didn't work, giving you the cold should might soften you up.

^^This I feel is true. And not so much to soften you up, just to be more stubborn and bullheaded, like an "I am going to show you" type of thing. My WS got WAY worse when he moved out, it in fact escalated, like he was going to show me that being out of the house meant nothing to him. NC and 180 helped tremendously with this issue.

He gets a rush off pleasing her. It makes him feel valuable (he's told you before how "everyone" thinks he's a good guy because he's "helping" her). You know too much. You know the truth about what kind of person he is and that's a hard thing for him to have to face. He's clinging to her to validate how "worthy" he is. That's a sad state of being.

^^This^^ is true too. Sadly I have seen men (women too) just walk away from families when they have affaired down. This is about their own self worth and not yours, although you feel it as you have been left in the dust. I agree that they feel the person who just helped them destroy a family is now all they deserve. Add in the fact that he fees superior when with her adds fuel to the fire. I also have found that when this kind of "walk away" has happened that one or the other or both have abuse or addiction issues. Just seems to follow a pattern.

So having said all of this...it is NOT about you. Truly it is not. But you have been left to pick up the pieces for you and your children. I would work very hard at complete detachment from his craziness, for your own sanity. Continuing to engage with him only will drag you down to his and OW's level.

((Rock)) Even tho it feels otherwise, an affair has nothing to do with the bs and all to do with the ws/ap.

Your wh seems to have issues he cannot deal with; he seems to be running and hiding.

Please don't base YOUR worth on how he thinks of you, but on who you really are. Love yourself as the same you love your kids.

rock

I know what you are feeling. You are a bundle of nerves. This month you welcome a new little life into your world. An event that should be one of joyful anticipation.

I remember sitting on the edge of my bed one morning soon after D-Day looking down at my giant belly thinking oh crap, this poor little guy has no idea what a shitstorm he is entering. I was angry that the DDs got to enter to happier circumstances but he was coming and I had no idea if my FWH was even going to be be around. He was more interested in breaking it off gently with his skank than helping his very fat and pregnant wife. Then I got depressed because I was huge and I hadn't lost the baby weight from DD2. Then I stopped and thought that if FWH didn't even want to be around me (and he knew what I looked like young and skinny) what kind of guy would want to be with a chunky, 40 year old woman with three kids with the stigma of an A hanging over her head. Irrational yes. I can see that now.

But at the time, I didn't. Rock you are 8 months pregnant right now. Your XH is an asshat. Even with a "normal" pregnancy what woman feels sexy lugging a swollen belly, ankles and God knows what else around. And that is with a H telling you how beautiful and sexy you are.

Take a deep breath. You will feel very strong and powerful after you deliver. Every fiber of your being brings a baby into this world.

When I was ready to deliver, I kept thinking of this song. It helped me, maybe it will help you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NRdA0ST4Zg

big hugs to you.

Water seeks its own level hon. Ergo your POS ex is seeking HIS level.

Being with you is very uncomfortable right now because you hold a mirror up in front of his face and he can very clearly see the massive POS reflected back at him.

He is lazy, pathetic, and an utter loser. OW suits him because she is a stupid, easily manipulated, not in reality POS herself. She is just the rotten apple lying on the ground that is easy for him to pick up. You on the other hand are the Princess Apple at the top of the tree that requires EFFORT to reach. He is simply to stupid and lazy to do it. He would rather just have the wormy bit of garbage apple that is sitting in a piece dog crap. Which shows what a real fucking idiot he is.

Huge hugs.

[This message edited by sammie at 4:01 PM, February 4th (Saturday)]

Rockbottom, just wanted you to know that I am sending you hugs and support. It is important that you stay strong for yourself and your children, especially this baby on the way.

Isadora, thanks for these words:

Rock you are 8 months pregnant right now. Your XH is an asshat. Even with a "normal" pregnancy what woman feels sexy lugging a swollen belly, ankles and God knows what else around. And that is with a H telling you how beautiful and sexy you are.

Take a deep breath. You will feel very strong and powerful after you deliver. Every fiber of your being brings a baby into this world.

I am 9 months pregnant too and needed to hear this today. Thanks for sharing your story and words of encouragement.