SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not ashamed. I know that I did nothing wrong, at least nothing that I can remember, and my wife has told me that.

Probably unusual, but she has told me that she can't figure out what it was, the trigger anyway, that started her to feel like she "hated" me and wanted to hurt me.

Yet, I've never told anyone. One of my brothers may know, there was an inappropriate interaction when he was visiting and the other man grabbed her ass while my brother was around. She told him "stop that, you can't do that". However, he sensed that something was up from his actions later but never said anything.

Nobody in our families knows. She has told two friends, and of course three counselors and two psychiatrists, involved in her treatment after she confessed, know and I'm a local medical professional.

I have to admit though, the pain was so great when this happened, and the fear was so great that she was leaving me and going to take away the children if she could, that no level of shame could even begin to compare with that fear. Shame didn't even cross my mind.

It was the most horrible thing I ever imagined.

I also feel the shame. I am trying to fight it but it is not going away. I can partly fight in my rational daytime moments, but it comes back to haunt me in the night.

Shame that my decision-making was so poor in the first place.

Shame that others may judge about what was wrong with me so that he looked elsewhere.

Shame that I am not strong enough to remove myself from the situation.

When I first found out about my husband cheating, instead of keeping it to myself, I actually went out and told everyone from the bank tellers to the clerks at our local convenience store. We live in a very small community - and I was so full of pissed-off-ness that I was going to completely humiliate both of them. You know what made it even sweeter? Is because the MOW who was not only my ONLY enemy in our state (yeah, thanks "humbleintn") but because she is a 5th grade teacher at the local elementary school and she was absolutely appalled when she found out that he was caught and threatened him that "your wife better not find out who I am". Oh but honey I did!! And I tell ya, within 24 hours everyone from the mayor to the teachers at the all 3 schools and everyone in between knew what they did. I didn't fear anyone thinking it was something wrong with me for the simple fact that I knew he'd be SO embarrassed for anyone to know who he was screwing as she is butt ugly to a baboon's butt. And that's not a jealous wife talking; it's actually what my husband has always said about her, that she's ugly! But it just goes to prove that it doesn't take good looks to make a man stray; no, a man with some already underlying issues (his low self-esteem brought on by years of porn use I just found out about combined with a form of sexual addiction he is being treated for) that is propositioned by some ugly whore can actually have sex just for the sake of having it. They don't have to be pretty, or even attractive. Just willing and eager. But see, I didn't stop with just telling people about what they had been doing for 2 years. Oh no, I'm not that nice. He also (he's been transparent though it's hard for him to see me hurting when he's being honest but knows he has to) admitted to me that the last time they had sex was in the high school boys locker room. My husband and I have always been overly involved with our high school girls' extracurricular activies (basketball, softball and band) and that night he was cleaning the gym after a game and she stayed and followed him into the boys locker room when he went in to go to the bathroom and they had sex. So......being the nice wife that I am (insert sarcasm), I told everyone. Now, while I am filled with disgust about it, to my husband's credit, his remorse and willingness to help me heal and for him to come clean about everything, he did personally (he even asked me to come with him) marched over to the central office and told them that he had had sex in the locker room with one of the school systems teachers!! And he ever took copies of proof that she had sent him hundreds and hundreds of texts during the school day to him (a huge no-no for a teacher in our area). He literally humiliated himself by admitting this in person in the superintendent's office so that showed me he was willing to do what he needed to do to clean up the mess and become honest with people.

But it didn't stop there - he has also taken her to court over 3 incidents of physical abuse on her part to try to get an order of protection against her. She had threatened him on more than one occasion and would hit him all the time when he kept pushing her away and telling her he'd never leave me or his kids. She'd beg him to love her (how pitiful) and he always told her he didn't feel that way towards her, that his love was at home (well no my definition of love, and not really his either but now that he's out of the fog he cries almost daily at what he's done and is determined to clean himself up). See, whenever she would badmouth me, he'd take up for me and then she'd get so full of rage that she'd start hitting him though she knew from the get-go he didn't love her and that he was only there for one thing (sick as that is). He used her; she couldn't stand him taking up for his wife. How pathetic the whore is.

He has also filed two police reports against her for physical abuse.

He sent her a 5 page no contact letter (I would love to have been a fly on the wall when she read it as he asked me to mail it both to her home address as well as to the school to ensure she received it) telling her to have no more contact with him, me or our girls (to this day, she still tries to talk to our 18 yr old as her daughter is also on the bb and sb teams). Crazy bitch.

Anyway, sorry to ramble, I get to typing and can't seem to quit. I only recently signed up for a profile and just being able to talk out loud (er, well, type out loud anyway) is therapeutic in some way. My point is is that I DID tell everyone and yes, we were definitely the talk of our small community for a little while but I am the one who got the support - she didn't have any friends to start with and he is mortified that people knows he touched that ugly wartface. (not to mention that he's 48, she's 56, he didn't even realize how old she was.....so now when I'm mad I remind him of his senior citizen attraction....embarrasses him to death but hey, if you're going to cheat (please don't) at least ask the MOW whore how old they are. Geesh. (also, please, I mean no offense to those who are 56, it's just a way for me to get my husband's goat because it works).

Since DDay, he has been doing everything right and then some. He was brought up as a preacher's son but turned his back on God when his parents divorced when he was 17. 5 days after DDay, he became a born again Christian and I have NEVER in my wildest imagination though my husband could be who he is turning out to be today. He is at church every time it's open; he reads books (his latest is Kingdom Man); we have gone to a 3 day marriage intensive and he is going to Nashville in June for a 4 day sex addict/compulsion seminar. He wants to leave no stone unturned in his journey of making himself better. He also goes to IC once a week and we are both in MC once a week.

Sorry so long - BUT - just remember that those who do know/find out, most haven't been in your shoes. And for those who care to judge you, for one, you don't need them in your life and two, judging you only brings out the fears that they themselves could be vulnerable. No one likes to think it could happen to them but we all know if it happened to us, it CAN happen to anyone. I was the poster child for "if you ever cheat, I'm out of here", we all probably were, but here we are.

Keep your chin up and know that even though there will be those who judge negatively, there are just as many who see you as a strong person for staying to try to make your marriage work. At least down here in the Bible belt there is. Also, some who find out have been there in your shoes and while they may not tell you outright, they will sympathize with you.

This road sure does suck.....but I refuse to let it bring me down.

When it first happened i felt like they both slapped me in the face and were laughing behind my back as they new what was happening, over time i realised i have to love myself more, i am proud of the person i am and people will judge that was the hard one, as im very sexual all my friends know how much i enjoy it, well used to with him, and then i felt like a fool, oh it mustnt be that good then, now i know the truth he is such a broken person, and he sabotages every relationship, i am reclaiming my true self and people will judge until it happens to them and needs to learn oh its the ws fault its the pathetic ones who turn to others fault.

[This message edited by LostMySoulMate1 at 8:20 PM, April 25th (Wednesday)]

I haven't felt shame or ashamed, but what I am afraid of and don't want is people's pity. I don't want to be looked at like the poor pitiful cheated on wife.

I have had moments of thinking that I won't tell anyone so not to embarrass him. Which is stupid. But I also know him enough to believe that if he admits to it he will be ashamed of himself. And I love him enough to not want to hurt him.

That alternates with wanting to cut his nuts off with a rusty spoon, so I'm not in complete denial.

SweetTea -

After you cut it off with a rusty spoon, then you put it in the garbage disposal. I mean, we wouldn't want them to be able to sew it back on, right?

I told my closest friends...they have been completely supportive of my decision to R. It turned out one was a BS and they have R'd. She probably saved my life....as she was my lifeline in the early days after DDay.

His family is a bunch of rugsweepers. No support for me of any sort there. My MIL even said to me early on 'well the OW knew he wasn't leaving his wife" (Figures as she had an A years ago..but that's a WHOLE other story)

No..I do not feel ashamed in any way for my H making his choices. They are his and the consequences that go with them are also all his.

I feel really ashamed because he cheated on me before we got married. We broke up for a year but eventually got back together and then married. Everyone told me he would do it again. I thought he was genuinely remorseful. But he lived up to their expectations.

Now I am giving him one last chance to R, which also feel quite ashamed about. I was very close to just walking away. I've hardly told anyone because most of my friends aren't married and I just don't know if they would understand.

yes, i feel ashamed that he cheated on me and that i stayed with him. i feel like the minority...one of those sad women who have such low self esteem that i stayed with a cheating husband. a lot of people say that i am the strong one for choosing to forgive and keep my family together.

i told everyone about my husband's cheating.

I told our two grown daughters but no one else. They in turn told my oldest sister as they felt I needed her support. No one else knows about his affair. I have no one to talk to about it except now my SI family. I don't talk to my sister as I do not want to damage the close relationship that she and my husband have and I can't talk about it to our daughters. I am too ashamed to tell our friends or other family members. I do not want anyone else to know. I don't want them to hate him or think badly of him.

[This message edited by BaldwinBeauty59 at 2:03 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]