SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What are you doing to address those things that no normal person would have done? Why do you think that makes you unfixable or unlovable?

There are things in my past that could be considered horrible. I'm still me. I'm working through those things.

Why are you not letting yourself work on these things?

In the couple responses you've made, you seem to like when someone points out how wrong or bad your choices are, but you are interpreting it as YOU being bad as an individual. Separate the two. There is you. There are your choices.

I do feel somehow defective. I hope that time will give me some perspective.

I miss him terribly. More than I miss our children. I often wonder if that's wrong.

Threw it away, what you're feeling sounds perfectly normal to me.

I couldn't wrap my brain around WH's infidelity and so I spent the first 2 years after my dday researching whether or not my WH was defective, like, organic.

And if I believed that there was a defect in him, well, it makes sense that you would question the same thing about yourself. The good news is that he's not a defect. You're probably not one either.

The best thing I did was research and it's the best thing you can do for yourself also. Because the more you learn, the better you understand and the brighter your future will be.

About the kids...I think this is normal also. My dday was a trauma like I've never known. I disengaged from being a parent for quite a long time. My thoughts on WH and the A became more important than my children or what was happening in their lives. It's just the truth and I was doing the best I could.

You may be the wayward but in the end your infidelities caused you a huge personal trauma also. That's where your head is- in the trauma.

The way you phrase what's going on in your head, idk, you don't sound defective or hopeless or unloveable...a little fucked up maybe but I think you're going to be fine.

Trauma takes a long time to sort through, heal and become healthy. I'm 3 years sorting and healing. Don't let yourself get over it. Make yourself do the work- and the sun will shine again.

In the couple responses you've made, you seem to like when someone points out how wrong or bad your choices are, but you are interpreting it as YOU being bad as an individual. Separate the two. There is you. There are your choices.

This is so important! It's also difficult to achieve this state of mind when the very first person who tries to point out that there's NO difference between you as a person and the choices that you make is your BS. They have a good reason - one that you gave them - for doing this. That doesn't make it true. This is not easy, and since you're pretty early on in the process, it may get even harder. What are YOU going to do about it. What can YOU control. The capital letters are a clue...work on YOU.

You deserve to be the person that you want to be. It's your responsibility to make that happen for yourself even if the D goes through. Focus on that and let him do what's right for him. That's when peace will come.

I hope that doesn't sound over-simplified. I really do understand how hard this is, and I wish you both all the best.

LRH

It would be nice to be able to separate what I am from what I do. I hear from many that I need to learn that. But I am afraid to take that path. I kept far too many things in separate little compartments for far too long, and I fear that to disavow my acts as poor choices, lacking my identity behind them, will lead me back to where I started.

I did aberrant things as a young girl because I wanted to. I may never stop wanting to. My hope is that I can find the resolve not to do them.

threw it away, be assured that he is hurting and after reading your posts I think you might want to consider what the alternative to his leaving would be.

If he had stayed, you'd see him hurting, every minute of every day. You'd get to watch as he collapses under the strain. Yeah he'd get back up, he's that kinda guy from what you said, but you'd see him crack and buckle, like a slow motion train wreck.

You'd see him trigger from a song on the radio and watch the horror of it all come right back and smack him square in the face, or worse, you'd see him come home after such a trigger when the horror has shifted to rage and the only target for it is you. You'd be the bone that monster he's carrying around right now would chew on.

I'm no expert, but from what you say in your posts about your self, you ain't ready for that. He'd eat you alive.

You have a lot of getting healthy to do for yourself. Do that. Once that is done there may be the chance to reconnect. You share kids so at some point you will be speaking to each other again. If you are very lucky, I'm talking God puts an angel on your shoulder lucky, you might get a second chance with him in a year or two. It ain't over till it's over and as long as you draw breath, it ain't over. Maybe you never get that lucky, but it would be to your benefit to be prepared to show him you've learned from the experience, grown because of it, and that you are someone worthy of his notice again. It never hurts to try.

As for your past. There is not a thing you can do to change it, stop trying. What you can deal with and control is you in the here and now. What you do next, is far more important than what you did before. You can let past actions define you or you can commit to defining yourself by better actions. Your choice.

Choose.

What is the plan now? How long do you intend to stay at at your parent's house?

Your kids need you

[This message edited by pichaku at 4:32 AM, March 11th (Sunday)]

Compartmentalization seems to be big with you.

I am also gathering that you like doing things in secret, having the upper hand unbeknownst to whomever.

This is where you fell and failed in your marriage.

Keeping secrets have always been big with you.

Pardon my blunt honesty..but you also seem to be self-centered.

Wondering if your BH is suffering from the pain you caused him..and if he is..it's enough for you to know he still cares.

If what you did was as calloused as you claim...he probably will not let you see it because he will be thinking you never cared in the first place.

Now..if you want help..open yourself up to get it by being specific about what happened. If this is just a purging or venting outlet for you..then I can understand that too.

The children have their father. It is better that way, they need strength now.

I have no doubts about my self-centeredness. I had a man who would have given his life for me. I took him and our love for each other and discarded both like garbage. Self-centeredness led me to where I am. There is very little to say about what happened. I am that very thing that most say is the one exception unforgivable, the chronically unfaithful, the serial cheating scarlet woman. There was nothing wrong with my marriage. My husband did not neglect me, he did not chase other women or look at pornography, he truly made me his world. As for the others, they were not players pursuing the stereotypical vulnerable woman with weak boundaries. I actively sought them out, I wanted them and I wanted to be married to my husband as well.

I do not know what will come next, but whatever it is, I hope that I can accept it and always remain truthful.

Pardon my blunt honesty..but you also seem to be self-centered.

People in pain are extremely self centered. Often it's the only thing they can think about. That's pretty universal.

Threwitaway, you're doing some good work. Honesty with ourselves is one of the most difficult steps some can take. You aren't sugar coating. You're owning. You're examining, and you're confessing.

I love Oscer Wilde's statement..."it's the confession, not the priest that gives us absolution".

It's so nice when members keep posting their progress and continued work even when the relationship didn't survive. So hopeful.

Threwitaway? Have you thought about the end game? How did you think the whole thing would end? That you would keep doing it until you got bored of it?

[This message edited by pichaku at 4:19 PM, March 11th (Sunday)]

threw it away

Have you been cheating your whole marriage? How many many men? Did your husband know them, who were they? Long term affairs? If he would take you back, could you be faithful?

[This message edited by FordGT at 8:29 PM, March 11th (Sunday)]

Each time, I resolved that it would be the last time, the end. It never was.

I don't think that it matters how many there were, or for how long. As I have said, my difficulties have been with me since I was very young. None of the men were his friends or acquaintances. I was very adept at keeping the two sides of my life isolated from each other, or at least I thought I was.

Could I ever be faithful? I can only hope that I could be, but I may never get to know. It is something for a future which I cannot see yet.

[This message edited by threw it away at 3:49 PM, March 12th (Monday)]

Quit moping around and wallowing in self pity. You are the one with the least amount of the problems compared to the rest of the family. You are the one that does not have to question everything in your marriage.

Then you run away leaving the kids with him? What are you actually grieving? Is it the loss of his companionship? Or is it the loss of your regular life? Or how you destroyed your marriage?

Have you considered counselling? Maybe the counselor can help you find what it is with this OMs. Maybe they have a certain quality that made you pursue these affairs(power, money, access to resources beyond your marriage etc). Identify them so that you can actively avoid this in the future.

Keep talking to him in some capacity. The doors might not open but that is the only hope you have here.

As I have said, my difficulties have been with me since I was very young.

Can you tell us a bit more on this. You mentioned that there were some minor problems when you were younger but nothing major.

[This message edited by pichaku at 4:51 PM, March 12th (Monday)]

Yes, I know it seems like self-pity. But it isn't, I know very well what I've done.

Our children are really better off with him now. Even if I did not have so many bad days, I will not be asking for any support from him and will have to start earning a living, have to learn how to earn a living, before I can make a home.

Some will say, as he does, that my actions prove that I did not love him. But I know what is in my own heart and it is very much love for him. That is what I grieve for, for the loss of both the present and the past. Both hurt, very badly.

Can you tell us a bit more on this. You mentioned that there were some minor problems when you were younger but nothing major.

I am not the best person to ask if you are looking for insight into childhood traumas or problems. I was not abused, I was complicit. There is really nothing there to excuse my infidelities. But I can say for certain that I was not after their money.