SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

oh boy did I. the things that came out of my mouth were vile, hurtful and sliced like a ginsu knife.

I beat many a garbage can with a baseball bat...

the rage was (I thought) uncontrollable.

coming to a place where I realized that no matter what I said or did, he would never be able to feel what I felt. he could empathize, but he would never FEEL it.

we learned how to communicate our feelings in a healthy way. and yes, even those vile, bring me to my knees, how the hell could you do this feelings could be said in a way that wasn't harmful.

it took both of us... learning to not only talk, but to listen. cause until he could listen in a healthy way, it made talking in a healthy way really really hard.

if I needed an outlet to spew, I came here or journaled...

communication, healthy, productive communication was key in our R.

that and garbage cans can get really expensive when you go through so many of them .

During my first dose of TT where I found out that my H actually had sex with his PA twice and her home, I proceeded to vomit in our toilet. While he came up behind me to try to comfort me, I turned around and looked up at him from my head being in the toilet and I threw him a right hook to his face!

In my whole entire life, I had never punched anyone in the face before. My sister and I would slap fight when we took each other's designer jeans back in the 80's...but that's another story! Anyway, my feeling is that he physically assaulted my heart in that moment of discovery...I had never felt pain like that before. My punch was in reaction to his assault....and I don't feel guilty one bit even though I know that others would say it was wrong. I am in the camp that says that I was out of my ever loving mind in those initial moments of discovery...so I plead insanity!

Of course, repeated and continued physical assaults are never ok...I get that. And I do believe there may be a level of hypocrisy when it comes to a much bigger and stronger man hitting a WW....but I wouldn't know about that in my case since I am the BS.

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 10:10 AM, March 6th (Tuesday)]

I seem to be in the minority. I don't really take out anger on my WH...not in a common fashion anyway. I don't direct my anger at him. I may begin to verbally spew however, I recognize when I am doing it and call for a time out. Never hit anyone. Ever.

Therapist is concerned I am holding in my anger. This was troubling for me. I gave it much thought. My anger is there, just not very big.

I like to throw things that break. My favorite is small electronics but plates work well. From where I am typing, I can see my stack of old dishes, purposely placed for easy access should I feel like tossing one, or all.

Funny thing is, one of the first questions I am asked by friends, therapists, about my DDay is, "Did you hit him?" Apparently I missed a great opportunity!

t/j-

I like to throw things that break. My favorite is small electronics but plates work well

this ^ , yes. and the cleaning up of said things was very cathartic and a good time to reflect.

*unfound, fellow thrower

what dance4me said.

he broke my heart - I stunned him a little.

I beat him up many times with my words....I also threw a shoe at him once...and then laughed because it seemed so cliche.

I have many times had the desire to break dishes....I am jealous of those who have done so.....it seems like it would be very cathartic.

dishes...went and bought some at yard sales and thrift stores. Got great deals when I told them what I was going to do and why... Putt them in a contracors bag and beat the hell out of them with his torque wrench (he had to get a new one once I was finished)

Did I hit him? Not while awake but I did grab him during a nightmare and landed a good one right in the mouth. Seriously..in my sleep. Guess that kinda woke him up.

I hit him in the head with his cell phone when I found the message from her. He was asleep on the sofa, so of course it shocked him. I confronted him, and he finally told him the truth. I kept the phone, which of course, he replaced the next day.

The only other violet outburst happened 3 weeks later, we were talking, and he looked at his phone and began to check his messages when I was midsentence. I have always found that rude, but this time it sent me over the edge. I took his phone and smashed it with a hammer.

Of course, he replaced the phone the next day.

I guess he can live without his wife and kids, but not his precious phone.

My FWH has also given me the invitation to punch him a couple of times... I am just now coming thru another really angry period. My H hates when I use profanity and especially F bombs... He has had to hear a few in the last couple weeks, along with some other choice, skin tingling words. I try not to "take my anger out" on my H but I do feel the need to *share* it with him. kwim? It is a crazy ride this reconciliation journey. When the road gets really bumpy I have to remind my H that he is the one who booked us on this trip.

Noell, I also broke two cell phones, one after each Dday (one for each A)... It was the least I could do.

[This message edited by Flatlined at 1:45 PM, March 6th (Tuesday)]

"For the last couple of decades, there has been growing evidence that men and women are affected by domestic violence in similar numbers. Some studies show that DV (Domestic Violence) committed by one partner is actually more commonly committed by the female partner.

A 2006 study showed that women in the United States commit domestic violence against men 33% more often than men do against women, and women commit severe domestic violence twice as often as men. ---McDonald, Renee (2006).

"Estimating the Number of American Children Living in Partner-Violent Families.". Journal of Family Psychology

"women are as physically aggressive or more aggressive than men in their relationships with their spouses or male partners. However, studies have shown that women are more likely to be injured. ---Archer J (2000). "Sex differences in aggression between heterosexual partners: a meta-analytic review"

Here is an article that everyone can read regarding abuse against men.

http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/dom/hines01.htm

Observation:

Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for all U.S. men according to National Center for Injury Prevention and Control.

Males take their own lives at nearly four times the rate of females and represent 79.0% of all U.S. suicides.

The percentage of male suicides is decreasing in countries that are addressing male abuse... interesting.

Ive never hit anyone before d-day. Ever. I came from a very violent background. So much so that my stepfather SHOT my mother in the head when I was 9.

On d-day I physically attacked my husband. I slapped him several times,and when he wouldnt take his wedding ring off,I attempted to bite it off. I am NOT proud of my behavior. I plead insanity. Finding out your husband of 10 years,the man you have loved for over 14 years,the father of your children,your world,the one person who I thought would protect me..had been offering..and giving blo-and-goes on craigslist caused me to lose my mind. Double standard? Perhaps. I would appreciate it if you didnt judge me unless you are in my shoes. Cheating on your spouse is one of the cruelest forms of abuse there is. It is emotionally and physically abusive. Hell,it could have killed me.

This has become a very interesting thread for me. I actually hadn't considered a double-standard. I really wasn't thinking about the gender aspect of the hitting part.

I think one reason is because he told me to go ahead and hit him. I realize that was probably due to his need to 'be punished' for what he did. I have hit pillows before in front of him, but I really feel that he wanted to be hurt (this could be a whole other thread).

I also used the word "spouse" in the thread title, and I think everyone who has responded has been female. My initial curiosity was about how others deal with anger towards their spouse. Although, I am sure if a BH were to talk about how he hit his wife there would likely not be as much support.

I don't condone physical violence at all; but I do feel that some people can't access or don't know of a better way to communicate their anger (or other emotions). I guess I fell into that category when it happened. I was overwhelmed with rage and, at the time, it came out like vomit.

..so... it's OK to punch your spouse, as long as it is only once in a while????

I think the key concept I took from a lot of posters was not that it is OKAY if it only occasionally. Rather I took it to mean that an isolated incident is different than a continuous pattern of behavior (in which case some assistance would be needed to get out of that behavior). The message I got was that it's understandable.

One thing to keep in mind before the verbal vomiting--if your WS is not completely remorseful then anything and everything you say will absolutely be used against you. Every word you say will be twisted and used as a way to make YOU the bad guy. Then the WS will take the ugliness you just spewed to all of their family and friends to PROVE that you are bitter and abusive.

Luckily this is not my situation. My H is EXTREMELY remorseful and would not turn it around (I can't say the same for him before the 'fog' was lifted).

I did apologize to H for spewing at him, especially for the hitting part. He is not mad because, as Flatlined said, he booked us on this trip. But we are working hard at communicating better. That's been our biggest relationship issue (well, except for the whole 4 year affair thing ).

[This message edited by needtofindwhoiam at 5:56 PM, March 6th (Tuesday)]

Oh, i also wanted to add that as i think about how i was really feeling not only was there pure rage, but i wanted him to feel how much i was hurting.

I'm going to put the turd in the punchbowl and say that regardless of your gender it's NEVER ok to lay hands on your spouse. I come from a long line of very tall gorillas, and this was drilled into me since childhood. Regardless of how much smaller you might be compared to your WH, domestic violence doesn't do anything. There has probably been plenty of times where he'd feel the desire to shut you up before the A started, but many of you haven't experienced that. Respect for the self precludes physical assault on others. The golden rule.Whatever.

fWW slapped my face and punched my shoulder on d-day after I called her out and did some name calling. She's 5-2 and maybe 115lbs. I'm 6-2 and 240. Doesn't matter. It was uncomfortable, and she was in the wrong to do it,and I wasn't tempted to give it back to her, but it would have been equal treatment.

If you engage in physical violence, you're throwing away the opportunity to communicate- whether it's dealing damage with words (far more effective against men, anyhow), or not, you're giving a great signal that you're not worth talking to.

I'm not saying any of you were wrong- I've beat the hell out of someone as an adult, and it felt righteous, and maybe in your situation it was understandable and felt cathartic, but that still doesn't make it right.

I would appreciate it if you didnt judge me unless you are in my shoes.

I didn't judge anyone. I purposefully didn't say anything at all. I posted statistics only. Information only.

I actually was an abusive wife before my A. I smacked my husband all the time. I'm 5 foot, and 125 lbs. I didn't "think it hurt him".

I was a screamer when we fought. It was "what he needed to hear". Not.

It's bullshit. It's abuse. I don't care what your excuse is. I don't care if you have a vagina or a penis. If you are physically laying your hands on another person in anger you are assaulting that person and your ass should be in jail.

Having a vagina doesn't make you less of a abuser.

***Insanity upon finding out not included.

I didnt direct my comment towards anyone specifically.

Thank you for including this..

"***Insanity upon finding out not included,"

And not that it makes any difference,but FWS physically abused me many times during the first few years of our marriage. The last time he hit me was because I rolled over onto his side of the bed in the middle of the night. I was asleep. He got angry,and literally tossed me out of our bedroom,through the bathroom,through my son's room(who saw this),through the kitchen,and out the back door. Then he locked me outside. I was naked. It was December in Indiana. He broke his wrist doing this. He then posted pics of the cast on his hunting board and told them all he couldnt attend the 3-d shoot because he had fallen in the middle of the night and landed on his hand. He got lots of sympathy for that.And the cashiers at the grocery store felt sorry for him too. I got to stand there and listen to him lie about why he had a cast on,and listen to them feel sorry for him. He hasnt laid a hand on me since that day,6 years ago. Mostly because I told him how our son cried so hard that morning after he left and drove himself to the hospital(he let me back inside after about 15 minutes,and I crawled into bed with my son and held him). My little boy cried so hard he couldnt catch his breath,he was terrified and shaking. But,no,he hasnt hit me since then. But he does use his size to intimidate me. He will stand in front of me and refuse to let me out of a room,or he will grab me and refuse to let me go for a walk to get away from him when he is being a jerk. He's a bully.

Does any of that excuse my actions. No,not at all. Im not even sure why I have typed all of this. I guess because Im triggering over a thread on general and this struck a nerve with me.

Im not making any excuses for what I did. I was wrong. I am sorry for what I did.

Wow. Reading all of this really makes me wonder why I am bothering to R with this man. Ive never told anyone any of this.

[This message edited by confused615 at 7:32 PM, March 6th (Tuesday)]

Ok, first of all confused615, your story made me so sad. Wow, just wow! ((((hugs))))

Second, I don't believe violence is the answer and I have apologized to my fWH for my actions in hitting him.

Third, the question on the thread is "Do you take your anger out on your spouse?" not do you think your justified in taking your anger out on your spouse? I didn't think any of us here that admitted to violent actions said we thought we were right. In fact, most of us appeared to express remorse and realized it wasn't right.

What my husband did to me was crush my soul, my life. He blow up everything I knew, he decimated my very being. I was not in my right mind for several weeks after d-day. I had to take a leave of absence from my job b/c as a nurse I couldn't safely care for my patients. I don't remember the majority of the months of August and September. So, yeah, I went a little crazy and hit him a few times. But hey, if I can forgive him for carrying on with another women behind my back and trashing our lives then I guess he can just work on forgiving me for hitting him!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey Confused,

I just wanted to say that I hope it was helpful in some way for you to get some of that out. It sounds like you have kept that inside for a long time. I'm glad you're in a better place now. Or, I hope you're in a better place now. I am really thinking that no one had the intention of judging. We are all here because of unfortunate circumstances. Right or wrong, we have all made mistakes and no one is perfect. And no relationship is perfect. You are not alone.

I really didn't want to start any controversy. I feel really bad that people are offended or hurt because of a thread I started. I guess I didn't think it was going to strike such a nerve.