SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This statement bugs me for some reason. It's everywhere. "I hate him but we stay together for the kids sake." "We're going to divorce after the youngest turns 18. We're staying together for the kids sake."

Shouldn't staying be for your sake? Because you want to? I think staying in an unhealthy relationship is setting a bad example to the kids. I feel it sends them a message that they should stay in something unhealthy and unhappy for someone else's well being instead of their own. I just hate to see people resign themselves to a miserable existence "for the kids sake".

Instead of staying in a toxic relationship, wouldn't a better example be to be single, strong, and healthy to show the kids that you can do it, you can survive, and adapt to anything life throws you?

Maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. But seeing relationships close to me suffer and stagnant because of the "kids" doesn't bode well with me. Mr. Aubrie suffered for years because his was an out of wedlock baby. It was his fault his parents married. So couldn't kids have the same "it's my fault" feelings for parents who stay together in a toxic environment "for them"?

I agree with you on this, Aubrie.

My dad used to tell me and my sister that he and my mom are staying together for us. (I think it was an excuse, we're all grown and they're still married and more miserable than ever).

We used to cry 'why don't they just get divorced?' It was so stressful living in that hostile environment. And they were not 'fighters'. The tension was just so thick all the time. It was a very miserable environment, really sad for kids, IMO, growing up in that.

Shouldn't staying be for your sake? Because you want to? I think staying in an unhealthy relationship is setting a bad example to the kids. I feel it sends them a message that they should stay in something unhealthy and unhappy for someone else's well being instead of their own. I just hate to see people resign themselves to a miserable existence "for the kids sake".

Instead of staying in a toxic relationship, wouldn't a better example be to be single, strong, and healthy to show the kids that you can do it, you can survive, and adapt to anything life throws you?

Yup.

It was so stressful living in that hostile environment. And they were not 'fighters'. The tension was just so thick all the time. It was a very miserable environment

I was privy to this environment every time I was at Mr.'s house when he was still living with his parents.

For myself, I cannot put my children thru that. I'm working on my M for me. Because it's what I want for me. Of course my kids will benefit from that. I cannot and will not stay "for them." History will not repeat itself for them.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 3:57 PM, March 8th (Thursday)]

Unfortunately, due to our legal system and/or selfish and embittered spouses, "staying for the kids" is the only way for many people to remain in their kids lives, and to stay out of the poor house.

In a perfect world, I agree with you. Until then, I wont judge ones decision to stay for the kids.

I said this. I have stayed so far for the kids sake. Why is it a bad reason? It's not their faukt their parents can't resolve conflict so why should their world be destroyed? And just because it's an initial reason for working things out doesn't mean that things won't change in the future. So yes, I'm working on my marriage for my kids because they deserve a home with both their parents in it. I hope as we continue to recover that I'll want to stay for other reasons too. But initially I don't think it's a bad reason to WORK on a marriage. That's different than just staying in a marriage for the kids sake.

But initially I don't think it's a bad reason to WORK on a marriage. That's different than just staying in a marriage for the kids sake.

I agree. I think we all owe it to our kids to give it our 100% effort (and ourselves, too, of course, but we're talking about the kids aspect of it now).

But there are many who stay, even after all efforts are made, and the M is miserable...and that is the part that I don't agree with.

I think that kids do better with happy, split parents. Not together, miserable parents.

Except for my W's infidelity, I've been very happy with our M. If we didn't have kids I would have left in an instant...but since we do I think it would be pretty selfish to leave an otherwise good relationship that can be salvaged. My W is the one with the most problems in the M. She's going through a huge midlife crisis I think. Other than that she's an excellent mother.

I believe with work you can fix your marital issues and learn to love one another again, yes, for the kid's sake. If you don't fix the issues, both take responsibility and meet each other's needs...yeah probably you will be miserable.

I think it depends on what the issues are and how you handle them. If you are constantly yelling and fighting in front of the kids, yeah that's bad and needs to be stopped. In our case, we have some SERIOUS issues but we keep it toned down and away from our daughter....mostly anyway =p

I agreed to stay and try to R the M for the sake of the kids. I don't think it's a bad reason. I hate to be so frank about it, but without them I would not have even considered R. Mr.j2p and I get along very well and are great parents together. I certainly wouldn't describe our home or family right now as miserable or toxic. If it were, I would have filed for D by now.

But there are many who stay, even after all efforts are made, and the M is miserable

This was the point I was making cs2384. If you are actively working on your issues and trying to salvage your M (And since you are on SI, I think this to be true) then I see your point.

As I work on myself and things stemming from the A, my BH has also been working on himself. This thread is an example of what he's had to live and deal with and it was very traumatic for him.

In our case, we have some SERIOUS issues but we keep it toned down and away from our daughter

I hear ya. We made the decision early on to step out of the room and close the door when anything A related needed hashed out. As crazy as this sounds, most of our major discusions are in the shower. The kids are in bed, and with all the doors shut and water running, we deal with what we need to deal with. I'm sure the kids have felt "tensions" if you will, but as far as the yelling and fussing, we keep it away from them.

My children are the main reason I am staying. I LOVE my husband. But I am pretty sure if we didnt have kids I would have left him on d-day. But I do have kids,and I feel I owe it to them to give their dad a chance. ONE chance. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure they grow up in a happy,healthy home where they see their parents being loving toward each other. As long as their father is trying to work this out with me,I will try also. If we can not provide them with a happy and healthy atmosphere,then I will leave.

I dont see anything wrong with staying for the kids initially. But if it turns out that we cant truly R,then it's best for the kids if we divorce.

Unfortunately, due to our legal system and/or selfish and embittered spouses, "staying for the kids" is the only way for many people to remain in their kids lives, and to stay out of the poor house.

x2

I'm really glad that Wal stayed "for the kids sake." Selfishly, I am grateful for it.

He even said more than once to me, "We're going to divorce after the youngest turns 18. We're only staying together for the kids sake."

He didn't say this to our kids!

He left the possibility open to staying together and reconciling. 7 years later and we are happily married. Fully reconciled.

So couldn't kids have the same "it's my fault" feelings for parents who stay together in a toxic environment "for them"?

Only if the parents are asshats and say that to them.

It's the parents' responsibility to make a safe environment for the child. As a good parent, one makes one's children feel wanted, loved and included in the family unit.

One does not make one's child feel responsible for the state of the parents marriage. Period. Ever.

We made sure that our boys knew that Mom and Dad were having grown up trouble that had nothing to do with them and that they were wonderful. We made sure that they knew that they had done nothing wrong. We let them ask questions, answered them age appropriately etc...

Kids aren't stupid. Even stepping out of the room, they knew when we were fighting, we always reassured them when we were done that we were okay, not mad at them in any way, etc...

People in Toxic Relationships that aren't looking for a way out, usually have to have something really traumatic (a rock bottom) happen to get them out of it. On SI, most people are working on their relationships already. I don't think anyone on SI is sitting in a toxic soup with their kids because they want to be.

I hope people choose to stay because of love, and love alone.

Love for their partner, love for their kids, love for their M life.

I know in the beginning people are willing to try for the kids, I do believe if we did not have a child my BS would not be as open to trying.

But I do not think people stay soley for their kids. I think they eventually remember/see the good in their partner and feel the love.

I do feel staying in a "bad" M is a dis-service to children. Kids who are subjected to a hostile or loveless enviorment are often doomed to repeat the way of their parents.

I feel I am a perfect example of what happens when two people stay "for the kids sake"

When I opened up to my mother about what I had done to my BS - she was so sad and could only say she was sorry for not providing a good model of what a healthy relationship looks like. . . .

I agreed to try R for my son's sake. Without him, there would have been a cdnmommy-shaped hole in the door.

That being said, I am not staying because of him.

Kids are not a good enough reason to stay in a marriage, at least for me. But they're the best reason to try!

If it wasn't for my kids, I would be long gone.

The, months of TT and taking the affair underground will do that to a person.

We are only 8 months out. If I get to the point where it ever feels like there is no reason other than the kids to stay, I will leave.

It's not fair to anyone.

Right about now, though, he should be grateful for them...because if I was childless there is no way I'd still be here.

Shouldn't staying be for your sake? Because you want to?

In an ideal world, yes. But in reality, that is often not possible. I realize this is just my opinion, and I don't fault those who have decided to D a WS, but I believe that a parent should evaluate what is best for their children first, not what is best for the parent. I have a responsiblity not just to provide food and safe shelter for my children, but also an environment in which they can develop through childhood without needing to worry about adult problems their parents have created.

I think staying in an unhealthy relationship is setting a bad example to the kids. I feel it sends them a message that they should stay in something unhealthy and unhappy for someone else's well being instead of their own. I just hate to see people resign themselves to a miserable existence "for the kids sake".

I agree to an extent. If the relationship is toxic, then I think it's best to end it. I think the stress created by constant arguing and bickering and insulting does more harm for children than D. That's what they would come to expect, and it sets them up for an unhealthy existence.

But our family is quite the opposite of this. It's not miserable at all. I can't say that my relationship with my FWW is what it should be as husband and wife. Frankly, I don't love my FWW anymore. Not really because of the As, but rather how she handled the fallout. She could have helped us recover from them and we could have truly reconciled and rebuilt our marriage. But she didn't. She's only considered what she wanted, and that was to forget about everything she's done. Sweep it under the rug, in other words. There was very little if any consideration for what I needed or what was truly best for a healthy marriage. As a result, I don't see us ever truly reconciling.

So although I've given up romantic love in my life for now, I see it as a small price to pay to be able to show my kids everyday how much I love them and how worthy they are of love. And I'm not miserable. Our family is, quite honestly, viewed by our friends and neighbors as a model family. The kids don't know about the As...nor do the neighbors. There really is very little in the way of arguing, never raised voices, and it's rarely done in front of the children. Both my FWW and I are VERY involved in the lives of our children, and we're very close to them. My FWW and I go out on dates. We take vacations with and without our children. We do a lot together. We do show each other affection (appropriately) in front of our children. We probably do far more together than the average marriage, including the sex. I treat my FWW with respect, much in the way I want my children to expect to be treated. I do care about my FWW. I don't really want anything to happen to her. It's just that, after her betrayal and her failure to put much effort into rebuilding our marriage, I would just rather not be her husband anymore.

I do often evaluate if the conditions for my children currently are what I would consider better as a family than if they family were disolved. And the answer has always been yes. Things would have to get much worse for the scale to tip the other way.

Kid's so often blame themselves, wrongly, for "making Mommy or Daddy leave". I certainly don't want either of my children going through life carrying this burden. It's not theirs to carry. Their mother screwed up, and she is too weak to face what she did. Despite the pain it's caused me and continues to cause me, my total happiness is not my first priority. The physical and emotional health of my children is my first priority, and I'd be ashamed of myself if I couldn't endure the pain for them while they develop into mature adults.

I'd give my life to save my kids. What I've gone through is really peanuts when I consider the damage they may have suffered if I had chosen to run away from the pain instead of working through it. And I consider the lack of romantic love in my life right now to be a small price to pay.

So, yes, I'm staying for the kids. Because I think it's best for them in the long run.

[This message edited by inabadplace at 9:00 AM, March 9th (Friday)]

I wanted to add, if my personality was different, I could see making the choice to stay for the kids. I am fairly emotional, and during the A when I knew something was wrong it took everything I had to provide "normal" for my son. I did a hell of a job, but it took its toll on me physically and mentally. I know I can't rationalize it well enough to do it post A, but having heard one of the LTA tribe talk about "the path of least regret" I can see how it could be a very good choice for some.

Thank you all very much for your replies. They offer difference perspectives and situations. (The beauty of SI)

So couldn't kids have the same "it's my fault" feelings for parents who stay together in a toxic environment "for them"?

Only if the parents are asshats and say that to them.

I know a couple people who that award goes to unfortunately. And I suppose it's about those type of people that I'm speaking about.

Parents that show restraint, a united front, and work thru the crap in a healthy way I admire. I have a great respect for them.

Never did I dream that I would be in this situation. And now that I find myself here, I'm so very sensitive how it will affect my kids. To protect them is a priority. Knowing that atmosphere my husband grew up in, I'm adamant my kids will not have the same.

I'm staying in my marriage for me. For Mr. Aubrie. For my kids. But ultimately because I want to.

"I hate him but we stay together for the kids sake."

Yep. It is sadly prevalent. I do understand the posts that say staying for the kids can be a start. True. If you hate your spouse, not so much, though.

There are vents both here and IRL that unless those that vent are oscar worthy actors and actresses there is no way that doesn't come through loud and clear. Even if it's just looks. Dear God.

I needed to read this today. Been feeling horrible about how drastically the kids' lives will change.