SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He is on SI and in IC. He has some friends he can lean on. I'm just going to keep being here for him and loving him. He's my life.

Wishing you both a long and restful night! So glad he is home and sleeping it off.

May tomorrow bring you both some peace.

Okay, I had him drink some water and he is tucked into bed....the night feels quiet again as I silently tread through and assess the destruction I created. Thank you all for the support you gave me tonight. Sorry if I was frantic. I just don't want anything to happen to my H. But we survived another night.

((((L333))))

Lost333-

Is it possible for your BH to PM me ?

I am a BH, but in my relationship prior I was a BSO. I confronted OM and it didn't end well. I think I can help him

At a minimum I can offer him a cautionary tale ? The obsessive anger, the planning, drinking to "allow" himself to override his common sense are not good signs.

Just thought I would offer him someone to talk to. If he doesn't feel comfortable with PM, that is OK too. At least an IC can work this through. I would ask him to schedule an appointment soon. Better yet, schedule it for him.

numb&dumb--

Sure, I will suggest it to him tomorrow. I'm sure he would like your advice. He is looking for other BH's he can relate to so he doesn't feel so alone. He is in IC already...although he didn't go this week....You can always PM him too. He would be fine with that. His name is DontTreadOnMe. You should be able to find it on one of his threads.

Lost--I'm glad to hear that DTOM is home safe and sound. Without incident.

I feel really badly for him--and I don't even know him. You must be beside yourself. Just keep doing what you have been doing--being a calm, consistent center in the storm. I cannot imagine how hard it is to play that role, but you seem strong and sure and up for doing whatever you need to do to help him.

Again ((hugs)) to you and ((hugs)) to DTOM. And FYI? Bananas are good for hang-overs.

As long as your focus is on your husband and not rhe OM in any way shape or form, you'll be okay.

Its perfectly normal for your husband to want to set the OM straight. I felt this often and still do. You gave something to the OM that your husband held dear.

Its so nice to hear a wayward that feels what they did so deeply and so clearly. Keep on doing what you are doing. Your husband will have a clearer head in the morning. What he'll remember is that you were there for HIM.

Lost333,

I just want to commend you on how you handled the situation tonight.

I would definitely encourage your BH to vent or discuss his feelings about OM in the General forum. Let it all out. That's what I did, and I was helped immensely by Numb (thanks again, my friend!), and a bunch of other SI members. There's a lot of us out here, BH and BW alike, who have had similar feelings.

If your BH is anything like me, this will most likely not be an isolated incident.

In my case, it did also help to have my wife call me when I was driving to OM's mom's house (where he lives), with a baseball bat within arm's reach. If my wife hadn't called me and talked me out of it, the only thing that would have prevented me from either killing him or beating the crap out of him was if I couldn't find him. I'm typically a peaceful guy, and I was completely sober at the time, too.

Hang in there. I'm glad you and your BH are both out here. I hope you are stocked with gatorade or something similar, because your BH's head is going to be throbbing in the morning.

Losfer

Thinking about you and your H this morning. I hope today is a peaceful one for you both.

Hi everyone.

This morning is okay. He isn't feeling too hung over which is good. He said he had a dream about killing OM. Maybe the dreams help him process?? I don't know. He still woke up angry but I have been trying to be sweet and calm for him.

I know it's over for tonight (last night?) but as others have said there may be more to come, and while I'm not suggesting you panic, I do think that calling his BF at least needs to happen. As much as you know your BH, you don't know him under these circumstances, and it's very easy to get completely out of control early on after D-day with a few drinks inside you!

I know he's an adult and is responsible for himself, but we all need help sometimes to stay on track when our life has crumbled all around us. I'm glad he's found this site, and I hope it helps him realise that risking his career for revenge on OM is really, really not worth it, as tempting as it may be.

I gently say this, as I struggled with this when my H called OM. Make sure you are not getting off on these two discussing you, your H fighting for you, or the other guy stonewalling. it's very easy to feel special when two men you have had feelings for fight because of you.

Not saying this is you, but it was me, so that's why I offer the warning.

BW...no stop sign

Lost...you have to allow DTOM to deal and process the A in his own way. He's in MC and IC so he is learning healthy ways, but sometimes it just doesn't matter to the BS. We try to use logic and reason but the anger and hurt is so deep that it is sometimes impossible.

I understand your concern and that's great. My WH was so scared that I would go to OW house to confront her...and probably end up hitting her.

Unfortunately, it's not up to the WS to control how the BS reacts to the A. Yes, violence is not the answer and I never went to OW's house but I did have to contact her H and herself to get my anger out. You should be there and support your BH and dicuss how he thinks seeing the OM will help.

My WH has learned that he can't control how I react to his A. WH decided to have the A without my input bc that's what HE wanted to do. He was not using logic or reason bc if he had then there wouldn't have been an A. WH would have realized how much it would destroy me and our family.

I am now responsible for the actions I take to procees the A, not WH. I have to work with my IC so my anger doesn't win. Your BH has to process the A in his own way and figure out for himself thst it is not a good idea to look for OM at a bar while drinkng.

Support him, open up and discuss your fears, but don't try to control him it will only make him more angry.

[This message edited by TryingHard-2012 at 7:46 AM, April 8th (Sunday)]

The best advice I can give is to mutually agree to remove or drastically reduce alcohol from the situation as it's going to be like pouring gasoline on a fire.

I drank like a fish the first month (as did she) and we both wound up in jail because of it. I was NEVER a big drinker in our 8 years, whereas she pretty much has been a daily user the entire time.

Since the nasty jail incidents, we've both vowed to reduce our alcohol intake to sane levels (like a beer or two tops) and no more getting drunk until we're past this. This has helped us quite a bit as well.

It's hard because sometimes the desire to just want to drown this situation is a strong pull! The problem is- t the booze will often times only make things worse. I hope you can work with your H to make a similar commitment or promise as it will likely help.

Alcohol is a depressant anyways so it's really not a wise thing to be adding additional depressant into an already depressing situation!

[This message edited by MediumRare at 1:22 PM, April 8th (Sunday)]