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i was watching the pastor td jakes on tv a few days ago. he is really inspirational. he was talking about forgiveness and "letting things go." he was referring to marriage issues, childhood upbringing, problems with friends and family..you name it. he was saying that the best give you can give yourself is forgiveness. he said by forgiving, you allow yourself to release all that hurt, and live for the future...and be happy. he said that holding on to the past accomplishes nothing....and asked the audience to really think about what he said. what can you do about the past...really? that is what he said. he then said that we need to let go of the hurt but confronting the person who wronged us, and then move forward so that you can be happy. if we live in the past and be comforted by that past pain, then we can never truly be happy in the future....and that we deserve to be happy.

i thought it was very interesting and wanted to share. when i think about my husband's cheating....it hurts me deeply...more than i ever thought i could hurt. it has been a solid six months since he broke my heart. i will never be the same. but i do know that i want to "let it go." i do. i feel like i am dwelling on this hurt...the details, the mind movies, the destructive behavior...all of it. i want to let it go...and my therapist is helping me...but it is still just so hard.

but isnt the pastor right though? how can we be happy in the future if we continue to be focused on the pain.

my husband is remorseful...doing everything he can. don't i deserve to be happy again? i didnt do this mess...he did. i want to get to the other side of this pain and be happy again. i know that if i can forgive him, then i have a chance to be happy.

td jakes says that you can let it go and forgive...and still not forget..and that is okay. dont ever forget. but to be happy...forgive and move on. we only have 1 life on this earth...dont we deserve to be happy?

i dont want this affair to destroy my future.

anyone else feel the same way? i'm scared to let it go though....is seems safe in some ways to stay in the painful state, you know?

sri,

I think that's true when you are purposefully holding on to pain (being a martyr), but there is a difference between that and still feeling the pain.

I'm a rape survivor. Years ago, I was advised to "let go" and "move on." That advice was very damaging. You see, I hadn't worked through the pain. I hadn't come to acceptance about what happened and its consequences on my physical self and my emotional self. What I did was start pushing away the pain and any uncomfortable feelings. I went into denial. That led to depression. Then I started showing signs of PTSD. In the end, I found myself strapped to bed in a psych ward on suicide watch.

I know that's an extreme example, but I'm sharing it to make a point. There does come a time when you let go, but that time comes when you have confronted your pain and worked your way through to the other side. That way, when you let go, it's not following you from the shadows.

That's why rugsweeping is discouraged here. It doesn't resolve the hurt and it doesn't truly help you heal.

I don't hold any anger and resentment toward FWH anymore. I've forgiven him. That forgiveness was hard won on both our parts because we did the work of R. By the time I said the words, "I forgive you" I truly felt them and it wasn't an exercise in spirituality or sacrifice or denial for me. It was geniune.

And that's when you let go.

[This message edited by Fighting2Survive at 8:42 PM, April 13th (Friday)]

I understand the "comfort" of the pain. 6 years out and I have not fully let it go.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. If I get fooled a third time, then I'm just an idiot

Holding on to a little bit of the pain keeps me from becoming an idiot.

Early on the marriage is still so shaky (the feeling of waiting for the "other shoe" to drop in terms of new info etc). You're still in fear mode, and at six months, probably are just entering an anger stage or soon will be.

Since he's working on himself and the marriage, you will reach the forgiveness stage eventually. He's alive and not bloody dead on the floor, so I'd say that is about as much forgiveness as a WS can expect early on. The other bit is when they aren't thrown in the street naked to hitchhike to a hotel as you burn their clothes and favorite possessions in the back yard after you've cleaned out the bank account.

So.. you already have a good start in forgiveness process.

Marriages that remain in the fear stage, and it's because of constant new contact or the WS had a pattern of cheating in prior relationships that renewed in yours with him, don't get around to forgiveness for a long time. One, is BS insecurity (and rightful insecurity in these circumstances). The other is because I don't think the decision has yet been made by the WS who keeps "fishing" or in contact, to stay faithful. Maybe the only decision the WS made is to go deeper underground or be on a "we'll see" basis of staying in marriage. Or want to stay married but date. (Some people are PIGS.)

I think a BS has to be confident the WS isn't being deceitful in order to forgive, because on-going deceit through flirting, evasiveness, hiding passwords etc is a new knife being inflicted every single day, by the WS choosing to allow the BS to believe he/she has something to hide in the marriage, and so therefore, is still allowing the BS the perception of WS being deceitful.

In other words, it's difficult to forgive when you're still under attack.

BS'es whose WS'es have done the reconciliation work in full and transparent honesty can forgive.

BS'es who divorce their WS'es can forgive since they eventually become indifferent as to who the WS is sleeping with - not their problem and no longer their vow - and get on with life. BS'es after divorce get over the broken heart and the main issues after some time passes has more to do with child support/ visitation and schedules.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:52 AM, April 14th (Saturday)]

That was way too long. lol. I'll sum up:

Once you feel secure in the marriage and adjust to ramifications of what it means to the future, you will forgive.

But the reason why a BS can't forgive after a long time - years - is possibly the same reason why you wouldn't be able to forgive someone for hitting you with a car while they're still continuing to shift in reverse and then hitting the accelerator to keep backing over you multiple times.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 9:01 AM, April 14th (Saturday)]

I'm going to chime in and agree with the other responses here. I think that, yes, you CAN forgive, move forward and never forget; BUT it is a process and you still must work through the pain. If not, there can be consequences down the road as Fighting2 talked about.

We are only 8 months out, and while R is going pretty well, I do not feel anywhere near ready to say, "I forgive you" and to do so too soon would be cheap forgiveness and would eventually come back to haunt both of us and our M.

I know I'll eventually get to forgiveness, because as Heavy stated, I have a fWH who puts in the work, who is remorseful, and transparent. A part of me would love to just put this behind us and move forward, but I have done that with other issues in my life, and well, am now finding out that I did not truly deal with and process through it like I should.

he then said that we need to let go of the hurt but confronting the person who wronged us, and then move forward

Said like this, it seems simple and quick, but if you really look, it is not.

In order to let go of hurt, we have to first understand and realize that hurt, this can take time. I know it took me 3 months to process D-day info, and then another year after that to realize a little anger, etc. I am 4 years out and I still have realizations and awareness of things I had not realized or understood before. Sure, as each thing becomes realized I can deal with it, and forgive and move forward, but the big picture "let it go" takes time imo.

So, long story short, I do agree, but I think the timeline is different for each of us based on how we process, how much damage was done to us, the attitude etc of the WS, etc.

Grace

..let it go.. turn the other cheek, let bygones be bygones.. and 'don't worry..be happy'

.. all simplistic cliches for sticking your head in the sand and ignoring ones catastrophies in life..

.. they don't just disappear by saying 'uh, i'll just let it go!' .. there, i feel so much better... UH.. HELL NO! I DON"T FEEL ANY BETTER!

..but that's just me and how i feel..

..i'm all in favour of people solving their problems with inspirational quotes from anyone, be they pastors, MC's IC's, or one's nextdoor neighbour.

..i do know that i couldn't have said 3 years ago, "Oh just let it go." and saved myself from undergoing 3 years of sheer hell.

..the whole thing is just way more complicated..

..flapping my arms ain't gonna make me fly!

..there will be no forgiveness for bfOM.. ever!!!

t/j... tell me again just why we all 'deserve' to be happy? ..part of me sees this as the exact reason why OM decided he'd use my wife to get off so he could 'be happy'!

..(((((sri624))))))

hope you can get to that happy place..

smy

tell me again just why we all 'deserve' to be happy?

You beat me to it..."I deserve to be happy" can be used to justify almost any behaviour, cheating, doing drugs etc...

Most people want happiness, but why do we all deserve it? Shouldn't you earn happiness? Work towards it? The cosmos doesn't owe anyone happiness, but it is there to be attained (without hurting or causing pain to others).

Blindfully forgiving and forgetting will get you blissful ignorance, but not necessarily happiness IMO.

[This message edited by Betrayeddaddio at 10:05 PM, April 14th (Saturday)]