SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is the sad story of why and how I betrayed my loving husband. The most amazing man I have ever known. It is my hope that this story will bring some sort of clarity and understanding. However, I realize that my “why” will never be an excuse for my actions or take away the pain and hurt I have caused. For that, I will always be remorseful.

I remember the first time I met my husband. After our date he walked me to the car and leaned in to kiss me. Without thinking and feeling scared, I pulled away. Instantly, I apologized and with a smile asked him to try again. He did and I had the most amazing first kiss of my life. He didn’t try to do more. He said goodnight and watched me drive away. That night I knew he was different than other men I have known. He was a gentleman. He was sweet and kind. He did not push but asked. Within two weeks he asked me to be his girlfriend -and then patiently waited a day so I could think about it! I was scared, cautious. Could this be too good to be true? My mind, my body told me to run.

9 months prior to meeting my husband my boyfriend died in a motorcycle accident. I was still grieving-unable to accept the reality of death. My ex-boyfriend had been emotionally abusive and unfaithful for the entire four years we were together. Yet, I stayed with him even after I discovered his unfaithfulness twice. He even had a baby with the other woman. He was never remorseful and blamed me for everything. After he died I went to therapy and it was the first time I realized I had allowed myself to be treated like that. I didn't have boundaries. I blamed myself for not leaving the relationship sooner. I didn’t trust myself.

My husband was a breath of fresh air. The way he cared for me and loved me was something I had never experienced before. But I was still scared I would allow myself to be treated poorly again. I was extremely hyper vigilant. And I didn’t realize this at the time but I began to build this wall between me and my husband. A completely unnecessary wall, but one that I thought I needed at the time to protect me from being hurt again. I fell in love with my husband, I followed my husband across the country to support his job, I married my husband-but there was always this wall between him and my heart.

I have to admit that I did not give my husband the love he deserved prior to the affair. There were many times where I was demanding, controlling, rejecting. I felt like I needed to control everything to feel safe. In addition, My husband often wanted to make love to me. But I never wanted to have sex and when he would attempt to make love to me I felt uncomfortable. At the time I didn’t know why I felt uncomfortable or why I was avoiding sex. But now I know it was because making love was foreign and terrifying to me. It meant that I needed to emotionally connect during sex. I didn’t know how to do that. To me, sex was something I used to get attention and validation. It was not a way of showing love. Prior to the affair I used to walk away from fights, I would call him names, I would scream. I was selfish. But I was also fighting with all my strength not to let another man take advantage of me. My perception toward my husband was distorted. I viewed even innocent things as him trying to hurt me or control me. And so, I continued to build the wall.

Time passed and we both sunk into depression. We were 2,000 miles away from family and friends. We both hated our jobs. I worked as a counselor with female inmates who had drug addictions. The traumas they experienced slowly began to permeate my soul. I couldn’t separate my personal life from my work. I started to feel as if I had nothing to give at the end of the day. My husband was suffering.

We finally moved back to our home state one year ago. We both thought things would get better. But they didn’t. Neither of us had really dealt with the origin of our depression. About a month prior to the affair my depression escalated. I wanted to quit my new job, I didn’t think I wanted to be a psychologist anymore, I didn’t want to take the exam that I need for my psychology license, I didn’t think I wanted to have children, I wasn’t sure where my life was going. I had lost hope. All I felt was sadness. I knew I was failing my husband. But I had lost my strength, my fight. I wanted to die, but didn’t have the guts to kill myself.

On January 10, 2012 my husband left the state for a work training. This was difficult for him as he experienced some trauma at his last work training. He needed me to be there for him. But instead I started to become close with his sister in law. We talked constantly. On January 28, 2012 she took me to a bar she had been to before. That is where I met OM. I hate even writing these words. I don’t believe why I started the affair and why I continued it is the same. I started the affair because I was looking for any escape from my depression, because of the euphoria, because I didn’t care about anyone-including myself. I started the affair because I didn’t have appropriate boundaries, because I had forgotten what was important in life, because I was selfish, because all I could see was the present moment, because I had already built a wall between me and my husband.

The affair lasted until February 27, 2012. It included four face to face meetings, two physical encounters, a few phone calls, and over 100 texts. I was attracted to OM because he was familiar to me. His disrespectful comments and desire for only sex was something I knew well. This is the sick part. I can’t say, well OM made me feel appreciated or listened to me. I can’t say, OM filled needs I wasn’t getting in my M. No, OM treated me like I was nothing. And I pursued him. Part of the reason I continued the affair was because I wanted to make the emotionally unavailable man desire me, long for me. This has always been something I have tried to do. I find the most emotionally unavailable man and I try to fix him. I have done this since I was a little girl.

Both my parents are addicts. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive. My father’s love was conditional. I remember falling asleep most nights crying. I always had to prove myself to my father. My father was also emotionally abusive towards my mother. She often chose him over me and my brothers. She never stood up to him. Just recently I came to realize I have never felt truly loved. As an adolescent and a young adult I have chosen men that have mirrored my father. I have never resolved my need to gain my father’s unconditional love and so I re-create that experience with other men. When my husband tried to show me love I didn’t truly believe him. I still felt unworthy. My husband wanted me from the very beginning. I didn’t have to prove myself. Yet, because it went against everything I knew in my heart I didn’t believe it.

I continued my affair because I was selfish, because I was trying to resolve a childhood issue of feeling unloved and unwanted, because of the fantasy of the affair, because of the high, because I am self-destructive, because I never learned how to deal with my issues appropriately, because in my distorted thinking I thought, “I already screwed up”. Because I was justifying the A every step of the way by telling myself and everyone else that I was unhappy in my M, that I wasn’t attracted to my H anymore, that I wasn’t in love anymore. But in reality, I had every chance to just STOP. In reality, I was destroying my M and the man I love more than anything in this world. In reality, I was the one destroying our marriage all along. In reality, I had put a wall between me and my husband long before the affair. I WAS THE PROBLEM.

For me, the affair was my rock bottom. I began to see reality. I failed my marriage and my husband. Since the affair, I have opened up to my husband in ways I didn’t think possible. I have risked my heart, knowing he could still walk away. I have broken down the wall. I have everything to lose but I have to let go of my fear. Let go of what I can’t control, believe in something different. I am slowly beginning to feel my husband’s love and believe that I am worthy of love. It is terrifying, but it is absolutely worth it. I still have a long way to go, but I can make it. I’m not going to give up this time. I am showing my husband the love he deserves. I will always regret what I have done, the pain I have caused. I hope my husband will one day give me the grace of forgiveness. I don’t know what I would do without him. He has taught me how to love and be loved. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is my hero.

Thank you for sharing. It is heartbreaking, and each of us has a unique story, yet with eerily similar parallels. I think you have developed some good perspective.

(((Lost333)))

thank you Mrs. Panda.

That takes a lot of courage to put that out there for everyone.

Those walls are so easy to build, and we don't think they block our view of anything, but they block our view of ourselves in some weird way.

Keep that sledgehammer in your hands to keep it knocked down.

BaxtersBFF-thank you. I never thought of it that way, but the wall did block my view of myself.

Sledgehammer is in hand!

Lost,it must be very hard for someone like you,who has felt unworthy of being loved,to cope at times in your R with your husband,as in his pain he has the ability to reinforce that belief even if only unintentionally.You sound like you're finding your strength as a person through self-examination and positive change and that can only benefit you,your H and your R.

As someone who has been betrayed,when I read posts like yours and other waywards who fully own their deceits I feel optimistic,not just for you,but for all of us who have and still struggle with with the damage of infidelity.

Thank you for sharing your story so far,I hope your H is doing better and I wish you both the best in your R.

Lost, I too hope your H is better. My heart goes out to you both.

Your story is heartbreaking.....

I have hope for you. Your love is strong.

LMYE-thank you for reading my story.

it must be very hard for someone like you,who has felt unworthy of being loved,to cope at times in your R with your husband,as in his pain he has the ability to reinforce that belief even if only unintentionally

This is so true. It is hard because I cannot tell my H this due to him needing to express his own pain. I know he does not mean to hurt me when he does. I need to somehow find it within myself to nurture and love myself during this time.

Belle- thank you for reading my story and for your thoughts. I hope to hear your story one day.

As you spend more and more time on this site, you find that you become emotionally invested in couples and people. You start looking for their their threads and/or posts. You root for them. You find a virtual connection with people you don't even really know. As people's stories unfold, you find similarities in your own. I want you to know that for HT and I, you and DTOM have become one of those couples. Yes, there are differences, but as Mrs. Panda said so elloqently, "there are eerily similar parallels".

I want you to know that your post has touched me. So much so that I became emotional last night after reading it. Talking with HT, I was on the verge of tears several times discussing the unfairness of giving him insecurities that I have harbored for so many years of our marriage. That by the time I have been able to see him without the wall I had built up around myself, I have given him all the bricks to build his own. It's maddening to know I have done this and yet I am powerless to take it back. There are no do overs. You can't fix it. It will always be there. But you can work on you. You can express the love you have always had freely, unbound by walls. The more you dig into your issues, the more perspective you gain. The more vulnerable you allow yourself to be will better your chances. Every time DTOM pulls back, step closer. Don't allow that wall to reassemble itself even for a moment. I have struggled with this. But I have to tell you that your situation (as well others here) have helped me to open conversations I may never have been able to do on my own. Keep reading. Keep digging. You are on the right path!

I am sorry, I'm rambling. I just wanted you to know that you are never alone here. You and DTOM are understood far more than you can imagine. I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Although it may be difficult to see through the trenches and rubble, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for posting this Lost. It is scary to put everything out there.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 7:07 PM, April 30th (Monday)]

Thank You for sharing your story.

I am closely following you and your H journey. It closely resembles mine.

What you are doing now is very honorable!!!

Blessings

WalkinOnEggshelz-

thank you for reassuring me I am on the right path and that we are not alone in this journey. As we continue to be a part of SI we do feel less alone. It warms my heart that others are walking with us.

Aubrie- thank you for your sweetness.

Madmichaelj- In a time when I feel so less than honorable, thank you. And thank you as well for showing us we are not alone.

To all- It is amazing how much everyone's words have really touched my heart. To know that others out there are thinking of us, rooting for us brings tears to my eyes. You really have no idea the difference you have made.

So, an intense pang of shame hit me tonight. Maybe it was my BH's sad looks at me, maybe it is because he is locked in a hospital because of me, maybe it was me writing my story...I'm not sure. But it is there, in my heart.

I was always a "good girl". I never did anything bad. I am no longer a good girl and it feels like every good thing I ever did has been erased. I think I need to resolve my image of needing to be the good girl-why can't I validate and love myself?

Shame. I know it well. I was the good girl too. I'm gonna quote some of the posts I've received over the year from SI. Sorry I can't give credit to the original poster.

With some work and help...a good IC...you can start rediscoverying your outrage at the fractured boundaries both done to you and by you. Warning: it's painful and will cause some real short term discomfort but it's vital

When we are alone or in an introverted mode, or with another person whose acceptance makes us safe, we may open to a "deep shame" which turns to anguish and sobbing.

Is it surprising that there are many defenses against shame? Donald Nathanson, the psychiatrist who has written most comprehensively about shame, has grouped the defenses against it into four areas. These areas are withdrawal, avoidance (which can take many different forms), attacking others, and attacking the self. There isn't time to go into these here, but let me just say that if you read his descriptions of defenses against shame you can see in slightly different language, practically all of what psychoanalysts have called the ego defense mechanisms.

I think as you work through your processes you will find your perceptions changes drastically. Once you become healthier and reflect what you tolerated and viewed as admiration and appreciation was far from either of those things.

There's a saying I read somewhere that you should judge your success by what you were willing to give up to get it. I think that's very true with choices to cheat. Whatever you felt you were getting what did you give up to get it? Everything you are or could be

Fixable, though, thank God. Acknowledge this and how much you recognize what a precious gift it is.

A good IC can help you find what your inner choice process looks like. What checks you have in place and what gates your either have or don't have in place to filter and control your impulses and how you react to what feels good in the moment. What default you have in place and exactly what feelings and thoughts are triggered when something presents itself and creates those feelings.

There is no wrong answers here as you want to identify and the only way to do that is absolutely honest evaluation of exactly how you felt. Your IC is a very safe place to do this and a good one is priceless.

Hang in there.

thank you lotsofhope. I think I have been using many defense mechanisms against shame and I need to accept the shame in order to overcome and heal from it.