SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm really struggling the last couple of weeks with wanting to take a friendship to a more emotional level and I know that it is just out of spite. After WH has had 2 EA I just want to feel that rush that comes with a new relationship too. We are doing great with R but I have been so tempted lately and I don't know what to do.

(((Stillblessed)))) I understand your impulse, but would argue that you do know what to do.

It can be a struggle, overcoming the sense of unfairness. But there's no such thing as "payback."

It would just bring more pain, and you certainly do not need that.

solus is right there is no such thing as payback.

You would only be hurting yourself more than you are already hurting. Talk to any of the madhatters around here. It simply does not work and makes things WAY more complicated to deal with.

Revenge/payback is never the answer. You WILL only end up hurting yourself more in the long run.

Talk to your WH about any needs that are going unmet that might help fulfill that desire for the "new relationship" feeling.

Maybe a slightly different view - the trouble is, no matter what, the BS has been blind-sided, and that's part of the hurt. The WS can't be blind-sided, there's no way to actually pay the WS back.

In any case, there's no way to hurt the WS without hurting yourself. Believe me, I've spent energy on trying to find a way around this.

Focus your energy on healing yourself - that's way better than revenge, even if revenge were possible.

(((Stillblessed)))

What my mom always used to say...

Two wrongs don't make a right.

You have enough damage repair to work through, without adding more things to fix. Take a step back, recognize that you are flattered because you've been reminded that you are desirable, and keep it in check.

It's just your reaction to feeling that you were not desired to fill your H's emotional needs, and you want desperately to show him (and yourself) that you ARE the desirable person you know you are. Remind yourself that everyone wants to feel wanted, and this urge is part of the residual fall out from his EA's.

Maybe you can try Poisenette's suggestion to talk with your H- tell him what needs you have and ask him about his... it's a better pathway to your "new relationship" than adding more damage.

DON'T DO IT!! No one would suffer more than you from making this mistake. It's not who you are - remember that.

the BS has been blind-sided, and that's part of the hurt. The WS can't be blind-sided, there's no way to actually pay the WS back.

Sisoon is so right on.

I have thought about revenge too (really who hasn't?) BUT I always come to back to above.

We, BS's, had NO idea, right? Well, the WS's will never been in that same place, so you can't hurt them to the same degree.

Also, do you really want to go there? As then, your WS, can declare that you have just "evened the score". So where would that leave you? JMHO

Two wrongs dont make it right but it sure makes it even. :-)In a marriage it never has to be completely even(50/50) but it can't be (100/0) either.

I had never really thought about the fact that it would be impossible to blind-side my H. He has even asked a few times since this all happened if I was planning on doing the same to him to get even. He would certainly be expecting it. He even accused me of having sex on-line when in reality he was trying to justify his own EA (that nearly turned to PA) with a woman he met on a message board that he uses for business.

When I talk to this friend it does make me feel more desirable even though we talk about nothing deep or flirtatious. To make matters worse, he is one of my H's co-workers.

I do need to talk with the H about how I'm feeling because we have two sweet kiddos at home that don't need to see anymore damage done.

(((to each of you)))

Dont do it. Is this friend married? If so,you would be doing to his wife what was done to you. She doesnt deserve that. Just as you didnt deserve it.

That rush that comes with a new relationship would only last such a very short time.

It's not worth all the damage that it causes, and you'd probably feel worse than before.

Is your R going well enough that you could bring this up with your WH?

I have felt the way you do, and I think many BS's do. I recall after DDay finding comfort in any kindness that came my way and wondering what it would feel like to be wanted again. Fortunately, I am blessed with super strong boundaries.

One other thing to consider, if you need a practical deterrent is that for some active WS's (mine included, before he came to his senses) they view their BS cheating with somewhat wishful thinking. Almost like a potential get out of jail card. Don't give him that opportunity! (Apologies to the FWS's on this site for the generalization, but I've seen it a few times and it does irk me.)

Stillblessed; never jepordize your Character. Keep your values close at heart and your moral compass pointed true.

Once you lose your integrity, it's damn near impossible to fully regain!

Blessings

Is this friend married? If so,you would be doing to his wife what was done to you.

He is not married and if he was I would not even be thinking about it because I agree that no one should ever have to be the BS. Ironic since we all are.

I tried approaching the subject last night but didn't get very far. I kinda chickened out I guess. It is hard for us to have much time together since he works the night shift and his days off are during the week. I hate trying to bring up serious stuff when he is trying to get ready for work.

I still struggle so much with the fear that he will do this to me again and I don't know how to stop him.

So confused sometimes.

I get what you're saying BUT if you want R to work. You can't put your attentions/affections in anyone else but your spouse. If its not going to work do you want to be the responsible?